Dads getting married friday, I know I should be happy... but I'm really not.
Gah. Too messed up in la cabesa to really write anything worth reading.

Tim managed to throroughly scare the bejeezus out of me last nite. Thank God he stayed on the phone with me until I fell asleep. Note the the not so wise: Talk of UFOs and Demons at 3 am will scare me to the point of my losing my mind.

Its okay tim, I love watermelons too.

All the papayas in the world could burn in hell for all I care. They suck. At least right now. Funny how when the tables are turned I lose my mind.

Lock in tonite... I'm really needed to spend time with God. Bad.

I will never understand boys. They are just too stupid for comprehension.

Last night's cell group was awesome. We talked about faith. I want to be like Elijah. In case your not familiar with the old testemant, all of the prophets pretty much prayed to God and then did what it was that God told them to do or say. Elijah was different. He spoke and then confirmed with God. He had huge faith. Thats the kind of faith I want. I want to be able to say, "And God's going to rain down FIRE on all of yall... right God?" and then have it happen. Yeah, sounds stupid. But tell me the size of your faith, and I'll tell you the size of your God.

I really shouldn't be listening to the Juliana theory at all hours of night. Thinking too much can get you into trouble.

Ubair came yesterday, I missed him. He kicked my shin and I almost died. Such a sweetheart. We made a promise to go backpacking through Europe together eventually. And with Ubair, promises are promises.

Quote of the day:
Mrs. Mastrangelo: You know Ubair, if you weren't with Christina, you and Jenise would make a really cute couple.
Ubair: Are you mad, woman!!?? SHE"S A REPUBLICAN!
Me: HEY!

I'm really looking forward to Master's Commission next year, and I'm really excited that Giovanni might me going with me. Can anyone say "Culture Shock?" I know God is going to do awesome things in everyone's lives this coming year, and as much as going to a place where no one knows me sounds like an awesome adventure, I'll be really really happy if Giovanni is with me and I won't have to be alone. Even if he is a tiny little Puerto Rican boy who burps alot.

Someone called me a Jesus freak and threw a paper ball at me today. At first I was upset, but then I realized... hey, any publicity is good publicity, right? They know not what they do. "Let them say what they want about me, its alright, its alright. I don't care what they think anymore, its alright. I will read my bible and pray, I will follow You all day."

Funny how I can begin a day being completely antagonized by my own uptight and bitter physce and end it giggling on the phone with Katia. I suppose its part of the whole being a girl thing.

Anyhoo, on to my point. I began Valentines day (Or February the Osht, as Timothy likes to call it) in the usual cynicism I wake up with every morning, I was even more so bitter because I had vowed to boycott all Valentines day activities a few days prior. But for some reason, by English class, I was feeling pretty okay. This has much to do with the fact that my dear friend Julio is in that class. Anyway, the end of the day came and it was time for me to head on over to the money tree making factory (ie: work) more commonly known as Hitler's favorite concentration camp, Discount catholic products. But before that of course I had some time to kill. And who would meet me outside the gates of hell, but Julio, mi Mexicano amigo.

We walk and we talk and I ask where he lives since we're obviously heading in the same general direction, and he points in the opposite of the said direction in which we were walking. So, being the inquisitive young woman that I am, I asked why he was walking this way, which was clearly not leading him to the home front. He responded with a shrug and a, "Do you want me not to?" and so of course I said no and we continued walking down the dirty city sidewalk that is Elmhurst, NY. As we walk, I notice him bump into my arm a little and look at the floor alot, which kind of made me smile for some unknown reason.

We head into the mall because I have some time to kill before greeting Hitler for the first time in 2 months and we wander around the second floor where there is absolutely nothing. We go up the escalator and talk about lighting and philosophy associated with light and I discover that in comparison to him and Ubair, perhaps I do not analyze things to the state of utter nonesense, but am rather insightful as they are. So we head into some stores, commenting on the fact that we always go into the same stores, yet never buy anything from them, largely due to the fact that we are both nothing but poor minstrels. The walking continues until we get to the dreaded pretzel counter where we both get pretzels and argue over who is going to buy my pretzel for about 47 hundred minutes, when he pays for it anyway. We take a seat and he looks so nervous that I almost laugh, not at him... but with him. He comments on the fact that its a little akward for him, he's never really hung out at the mall with a (gasp) girl. Wow, I think to myself, I didn't know I counted as a girl.

When I realize I'm 20 minutes late for work, he walks me outside and to the bus stop, pausing to ask if I'd be interested in going to a concert in a couple of weeks. I say sure and we part ways. He shakes my hand. And for some reason I can't quite define, I'm left with that little nervous feeling in pit of my stomache. You know the one that leaves you alot more confused than neccessary? Yeah, thats it.

So today, as I exited out of that wonderful school of mine, I noticed Julio hanging out with his friends. Since his back was turned to me, I headed on towards my destination and surprise surprise, who would come out to meet me but Julio. We walked and talked some more and a friend of his came out and met up with us. We got to the mall, as we did yesterday, and found a place to sit. Since there were only to of those little arm chair things that are probably breeding some weird bacterial disease, Julio and I squeezed into one of them and his friend, we'll just call him Ralph, sat on the other chair... for about 3 and a half seconds. Ralph proceeded to spot some other people, shook my hand and went off to meet them. So here we were again... Julio and I.

We just sat there and talked for like an hour and a half, and he really is a tremendously cool person. Very insightful, chivalrous (holding open doors and guiding me through them before himself, taking my hand when I get up, and the list could go on), christian, and overall just a really good guy. We have alot in common, and it was easy to talk to him about my family and my beliefs. Every once in a while he'd blush and get all shy, and for some odd reason, the thought of me making him nervous is a little entertaining. He agreed to accompany me on a pilgrimage to Central Park sometime next week to see The Gates, and when I needed to leave, he waited with me until my bus came. And before this time, instead of shaking my hand, he got all nervous and gave me a kiss on the cheek before running away. Again, the feeling came.

Now this is all very very confusing on my behalf. Partly because it has been a while since I formed an actual "crush" on someone, especially someone who is the complete opposite of any guy I have ever been into, and partly due to conflicting feelings for a certain someone else. Nothing can or will happen with him, at least not right now, but I am very very confused none the less. I do think Julio is very very cool, and I am really enjoying the fact that he isn't "making a move" on me or doing something stupid. I guess we're just getting to know eachother and hanging out as friends, which is also pretty awesome. I really like the fact that we hold similar beliefs, but I suppose it is too soon to tell anything. I know this is very long and very personal, but I wanted to write about it because it is important to me. I guess we'll see what happens.

<33 roar.

Please remind me why I wake up at a ridiculous and ungodly hour every morning, robbing me of my alotted eight hours of sleep?

... Oh yes, I remember now. It's so that I can take a shower and doll myself up (ha) without being late for school.
It is not so that I can get ready and nearly walk out my door forgetting my glorious cd player, consequently leading to one very stressed guitar playing highschool senior searching for said cd player for 20 minutes everywhere other than exactly where she left it.

Don't ask me why, but the one time I place my cd player in a place where it will not accidentally get stepped on or fall off of the bed or out of the window or into the sink and leave it in the safety of the zipper pouch of my guitar case exactly where it was on friday, the last time I used it, I cannot seem to find it. And it was not until 20 minutes after I had to be on the bus leading me straight into the flaming gates of hell that it dawned on me to look, not under my bed or behind my computer desk, as I had been, but inside the last bag I had usedk, where voila! it was.

And 10 minutes later, the batteries died. And unless you are from the inusdtrial land fill known as New York, you have no idea how horrid the idea of riding on a bus next to someone who has clearly not showered in 12 weeks without some form of entertainment is, especially for someone with the shortest attention span known to man kind. It was 10 minutes of counting how many people were wearing hats and those parkas with the furry stuff on the hood before I found some batteries. Thank God. I thought I was going to die. I almost did.

So give it up for Valentines day. The day I almost died, but didn't... kind of.

So Katia, Julio, and I have been separated. Apparently we talk too much in class. I feel like I'm in the second grade.

Fortunately, I have the all time best news EVER.

Prepare for it...

I HAVE A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
... well kind of anyway. It's really my dads but he's going to let me borrow it "to practice on".

I HAVE A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its an ugly blue '86 Nissan and I lover it.

I HAVE A CAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!
... never mind the fact that I won't be getting my actual liscence until I turn 18. I drive now anyway.

I HAVE A CAR!!!!!!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAIHLYDJKSHLA!!!

And I want to live, I want to love You more. I want to be used, Father in all the world. May Your word be heard, and may stay on my lips to live what I speak until your kingdom comes.

Still amazed at how awesome God is, man.

Woke up this morning to a voicemail from Jonnie. He has the world's coolest eyebrows. Wow, I just realized how weird that sounds.

I'm joining the bitter bandwagon and boycotting Valentines day. Or as a dear friend calls it, "Remind me that I couldn't get a girl [er.. or guy] even if I tried for 24 hours day." Just can't wait till the day after for the discounted candy.

Best peice of advice ever recieved....

"If you light yourself on fire, people will come watch you burn."

P.S. God is so cool.

If it snows again tommorrow, I'm going along with Zinc and boycotting snow.

Is it weird that I liken the freshman year posse of Laura, Cia, Stefferz, Laura B., and I to "Teen Girl Squad"?

Yesterday was pretty rad. School was a bore and I wasn't feeling too hot, but since I promised Laura I'd be there I went by prep.... and surprise surprise she wasn't there. Not to be a cynic, but I had a feeling she wouldn't be. John looks taller and Steve looks older and Ed looks like a potato. I missed seeing them.

Visited Mrs. K, during liturgical and then the "crew," Roma, Brig, Matt, Laura B., Katy, Zinc, and I headed to Brothers and then to Holy Cow park. It felt like old times, you know, with Brig shivering and Ed giggling and Matt dancing like a fool. A simple evening, with Zinc driving us home afterwards. We were sitting in the car listening to "Wonderwall" when I became nostalgic. It seems like only yesterday it was freshman year and we were all meeting eachother for the first time. Now, 4 years later, We barely see eachother (largely in part because Katy and I don't go to prep anymore) and next year we're all going to be in different parts of the country. I'll be in Michegan, Zinc like 6 hours upstate, Katy possibly in PA, Matt probably at NYU, Roma possibly in Cali, and Brig somewhere in Yonkers. No more doing nothing at Holy Cow park, No more trying to avoid the crazy lady next door when we're going to Matt's house when his mom's not home, and no more getting kicked out of Brother's.

And yet... somehow, that almost excites me.

I've stopped responding to any name other than "The Huuuuuuuddge" in my Honors English class. Mr. Weigel has obliged to my wishes as long as I call him Batman.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like an idiot for being such a stupid girl in regards to the Kind of the Cheese sandwiches. It seems unlikely.

Sad that I'm not going to prom with 2 of my best friends. I hate division. I think Roma opted for out of our limo, which makes me sad too. But hey, what can you do?

Heading to Prep later on today... Missing Matt and Brig and Pyro and Roma toooooo much.

Tried to tell Katia that I wasn't planning on going to Newtown's prom unless I get asked or something due to lack of funds. She pulled a Matt and nearly decapitated me. I guess I'm going to both proms.

Hate PMS. Wishing that Adam and Eve hadnt friggin sinned and left me with clifford the big red... bad word... GAH.

I dunno why my United CD isnt working. No scratches but it keeps skipping. Stupid Cd player.

Asta.

I just though this was a really beautiful song:

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?

And this life sentence that I’m serving, I admit that I’m every bit deserving. But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair...


I was walking home from school the other day and slipped in the snow. For a moment I was taken back to being 12 "ice skating" with Jessica in the shop parking lot. Minutes later I was taken back to an earlier time. Back to my dining room (it really was a dining room back then with a big table and everything) with Kimmy and Mr. Bob, this art therapist that used to come to my house when my mom was sick. I think Mr. Bob played a really big role in my love for art. Every saturday he would come to our house and we would paint, or do paper mache, or make sculptures, or draw with pastels. It was so much fun.

For 3 hours once a week, my mom wasn't sick anymore. Kimmy wasn't annoying. My dad wasn't sad. I wasn't 8 years old and I didn't have to worry about school. For one day a week I didn't like a tiny New York apartment, I lived in France, or in Venice, or Jupiter for that matter. I could be a fairy or a princess or a runaway... I could have adventures. For those few hours every week I was whoever I wanted to be. Millions of miles dissapeared and barriers were broken, tears were gone and fear vanished, my mother wasn't in a wheele chair and she could run around and laugh and play like the rest of us. The christmas lights on my ceiling weren't just christmas lights anymore, they were stars.

I remember after she died, I took all of those christmas lights off and hid them away. I hated them. And it wasn't until about a month ago, some 8 years later, that I put them back up. I think it was about time too. Its been too long that I've pushed her out of my memories, too long that I've wallowed in self pity. I want to have adventures. I want to make what I do count. Life is a book, I want someone to want to read it.

So fall back on all of your premonitions
And just learn to listen
To those that have more wisdom than you
And just stop
Putting so much stock
In all of this stuff
Live your life for those you love
And I’m still waiting for
You to be the one I’m waiting for
Something tells me that this is going to make sense
Something tells me it’s going to take patience
Something tells me that this will all work out in the end

so I'll sing a love song for a savior...

Just for the record, I <3 Matt Redman.

You know whats really great about God? He always keeps you moving forward. Sometimes you get off track and you're going kind of sideways or zig-zagged... but He always brings you back to where you need to be. I just thought that was awesome.

I've been going through the motions lately, I think I need to kidnap Larrie and take her somewhere where we can just scream. Valentines day is looking interesting. Since it is likely that I will not have a valentine, I think Kimmy and I are going to take my dad to this really nice spanish restaraunt for dinner. I don't want to be mean or anything, but I really don't want Claudia to come with. I just really miss hanging out with my dad (wow, who thought I'd ever say that). I keep calling Jessuh, but she never calls me back. Waaaaa!

Chris slept over last night, so there was an interesting conversation over kix this morning.

Dad: Are you seriously going out of the house like that?
Me: Uh... yeah.
Dad: Its 36 degrees outside and you're only going to wear a sweatshirt!!??
Me: 2 sweatshirts, dad.
Dad: I'll never understand you punk kids. You'd rather look stupid and freeze that look normal and be warm. When I was your age I had to walk 23 miles in snow over my head to school in a t-shirt and no shoes. What I would have done for a coat!! But not my beautiful daughter, so unappreciative of the wonderful things she has...
Me: 23 miles... in snow over your head...
Dad: You heard me.
Chris: Dad, you grew up in Puerto Rico.
Dad: Yeah, well I lived in the mountains!!
Me: The mountains...
Chris: Oh yeah, the icey snow covered mountains of the tropical island of Puerto Rico...
Dad: Shutup.

Go Barefoot

You are God in heaven
And here am I on earth,
So I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.

And I'll stand in awe of You,
Yes I'll stand in awe of You,
And I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.

The simplest of all love songs
I want to bring to You,
So I'll let my words be few-
Jesus I am so in love with You.

Got my program changed, hoorah. Never mind the fact that my first period halth class is post ESL.

I've been feeling down lately.

Learned some new songs, mastered your love is amazing.
your love is amazing- G, F, Dsus, Em7
Light the fire- D, Em, A, G, Bm
All day- E, Em7, G, A, C, Dsus

Its so stupid, but sometimes I honestly feel like I'm not good enough. I mean, I'm really nothing special, I've got nothing the next person doesn't have. I just wonder sometimes... what would God want with me? I mean, I look at people like Jovian and Sha and Marvin... and I just think, man, God, you see... those are the kind of people you need. People would listen to them for hours... I don't know. I'm getting stupid and Jesus-y, I know. But if you think I'm weird for it, what you don't understand is how big a part of my life God is. How large a role he plays. I'm goint to stop right here and shutup now. I'm getting to inside-y for this blog.

3 periods away from the freedom I yearn for. Meh. 2 HOURS. Gah.

kfjsls.

so Blah.

I repeat: Blah.

School screwed up my schedule for the second semester. I went from periods 1-8 to 2-9 which is a very long day. meh. I got transfered out of my first period economics class, where I am finally sitting in front of Joe the awesome... who I'm now never going to see again. Again, meh. If worse comes to worse, I'll drop health and take it in independent study, at least then I'll still be done with school by 1:30. Why is my schedule so long?

Gotted my report card and was pleasanly surprised, I thought I'd do much worse.

Participation in Government- 90
Girls PE- 65
Honors english- 90
Painting- 80
Journalism- 70
Computer graphics- 85
French- 85

Pretty good considering I didn't do much of the work on time for Journalism, and I'm missing half a term project for Painting and computer graphics.

Screwey schedule for 2nd term:
Period 1- free
Period 2- economics
Period 3- Honors English 8
Period 4- free
Period 5- Painting 2
Period 6- Journalism 2
Period 7- Computer graphics and design 2
Period 8- French 6 honors
Period 9- Health
Period 10-13- free

Gah. I don't want to be in school until 2:30 everyday. I guess I'll see how the class is today and call my dad and find out whether or not I should drop it. I like being in a class and all, I would rather be in one than take independent study but I really don't want to be in school that late everyday. Le sigh.

Must type article now. Asta la Vista.

John, who'll be doing MC next year with me is incredibly pretty. I mean... really. I had to take a moment to admire God's handy work. Sigh. I'll see them all again in March at blizzard.

Anyway, bye.

PS. Larrie I miss you!!