Marilyn Manson ate my girlfriend.... by far the best song... ever.

School starts next friday, Oh joy... I get to be a prisoner yet again. I am definately not looking forward to walking through the gates of hell... again. I went to buy a few notebooks for the school year tooday and let me tell you how much fun it was. Okay, now imagine eating a slug, throwing it up, while having a bird slam into your face during a roller coaster ride. Now picture stabbing yourself in the eye with a spoon at the same time. It is about 4 million times less fun than that. Though I admitt I miss Laura and Alex and my other "friends" and such. i have also made a desicion to not conform to those of so called "pop culture". I would rather melt into my keyboard. I have yet to do the summer Mathassignment and am hoping they don't collect it right away. I am hoping to come out of this school year unscathed and still slightly sane.

Anyway, I'm now hoping Matt will come on because he is so cool. And I don't mean cool as in "I'm popular now kiss my butt".... I mean kool as in he is a super hot and nice and funny emo dude.... and he has the ability to cause me to hyperventilate. Last nite he called me his "dream girl" and when I told him that I'm not even the dreamgirl type, he replied "yeah thats what makes it so perfect.... and I mean that in the nicest way possible." he's just sooo cool. And he's also willing to help me in my plans to take over the world.

Well I am trully exhausted so I think I'm going to take a nap and come back on later hoping to talk to Matt. L8rz and much love <333

blah

I just got off the phone with Jordan wich was quite interesting. It was really nice talking to him even thoughI think I annoyed him a tiny bit. anyway, I have to go so bye

crap

I closed the best conversation ive ever had and didnt save it. I am truly stupid.

he called me his dream girl....


::Dies::





::but is smiling while she dies:

Bliss

I'm talking to Matt. He's so kool.

I just finished watching Save the last dance.

And Laura reminds me of Julia Stiles in the movie. I don't know why, but maybe it's the whole ballet thing. Anyhoo, my dad talked to the school and they settled something with the payments and all. Tommorrow he's taking me to the village ::shudder:: But going to the village with a parent who lets me get piercings is better than not going to the village at all. I'll probably hang out with Laura sometime this week and then I'll seeher again on friday when school starts. I think we're gonna meet by "the wall" before school starts. Anyway I'm talking to Jordan right now wich is way kool because we haven't talked much lately. But this being labor day weekend and all he has no classes so it's all good. Anyway I better go but I'll be back later....maybe

Softer to me

Here I am, exactly one week away from the first day of school. And I have yet to do my summer math assignment. I was looking forward to the first day of school, see my old friends, take a really cool art class, etc. But now there's a possibility I may not be returning to prep. I am pissed. Turns out the loan my dad took out to pay for my school tuition hasn't come yet and the money is due today. I'm hoping he gets an extention. We got the letter today saying that he needs to give written permission to get the loan. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if the money wasn't due today because after signing the form, we'd get in a month. I really want to go back to sfp. I really like all my classes and I have alot of friends and I don't want to have to start all over again. I really miss Laura and Steff and Alex and Stephen and everyone else. Blah. God, pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaase let me not have to go to another school... please.

VMA night

I just finished watching the VMA's a little while ago and I have a new found aprreciation for Jimmy Fallon. I'm also really pleased that Dashboard Confessional won a VMA although it would have been nice to see the strokes win as well. Anyway I'm way tired and I tried IMing Matt but I guess he's busy because he isn't responding but I supposse I'll get over it. Nite!!

...Okay..... Can you tell I'm bored .....

Don't worry... no more quizzes for a long long time.

Yes Yes... Boring me is taking the stupidest quizzes on earth

Which Angry White Boy Band are You?

test by

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?


Which era in time are you?

Am I The Greatest Song In The World? Nay: I am but a tribute to the greatest song in the world! Are you the greatest song in the world?

I Am The 3rd Party: The American Heritage Party: A Christian Theocracy Party, you wish to make the ten commandments law and scriptures the inspiration for governance. Nobody seems to like you... Find out what 3rd party you are!

The B-Movie That Suits Me Is: Robot Monster: Although Blood Feast might deserve this title better, Robot Monster is known as the king of crappy movies. Unlike Blood Feast, this movie played in major theatres. One of the writters took it so seriously that when the movie got much deserved bad reviews, he attempted suicide. In his mind it was art. Find out which b-movie suits you.

Book Worm Meter for Teen Angst

Shut In 71% . . 29% Out Of The House Intellectual 77% . . 23% Moron High Attention Span 95% . . 5% Low Attention Span Bookitude 96% . . 4% Book Burner Book Worm 84.75% . . 15.25% Bug Stomper

Take your bookworm readings.

My Romance Meter

Optimist 50% . . 50% Cynic Close 59% . . 41% Distant Long Term 69% . . 31% Brief

What does my romance meter read?

. . . What is my spectrum? I am blue: My main color is blue. I am a little bitter when people choose a blissfully ignorant aproach to life. I try to see things for the way they really are. . What is my spectrum?

You Are a Cybernormal!

You know how to find all the online action.

But you only respond if you have a strong attraction.

You've got to step up, if you want to get down or dirty.

Or you might not get laid again - until you're 30!



Are *You* a Cyberslut?

What Inuyasha Character are you?



What Obscure Animal are you?



What obscure band are you?

	Yuoo ere-a zee Svedeesh Cheff! Yuoo ere-a a guud cuuk, thuoogh yuoo cun't speek Ingleesh fery vell. Bork Bork Bork!
Take the What Muppet Are You? Quiz!

Take the animal crackers test by MK

Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna




What Psych-Ward do you belong to?



Which "Natural Wonder" are you?



Which Computer Component Are you?






Take the Desert Creatures Test!



Which of Andrew's Friends are You?

Who's Andrew.....?


Who's your daddy?? Find out @ blackhole





Which Spice Girl Are You?







You are the good ol' thumb! You are the family one, the one who not necessarily everyone loves but the one who everyone can't live without. Always willing to lend a hand or comfort a friend when they need it.

Which finger are you?
Take the quiz to find out.


What color should your hair be?!
;

Created by Vurui!

Which of Kelly Osbourne's hairstyles are you?
by Razorstar

See which Greek Goddess you are.

Take the new and improved Dashboard quiz!

By Tiffany

How dumb are you?




You are Brian Krakow.

Find out which My So-Called Life character you are.




Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz









What's Your Love Style?

Yeah I know....



M&M's are goooooooood.......












Really....me smart....


I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.


Really...I'm cool...sort of....







I am 37% Emo

Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.

Take the Emo Test at fuali.com

Emo rocks ...so there.... and I love Dashboard confessional...so there.....and I am NOT looking at my shoes....


I am 36% Punk Rock

Well, I may know what punk is, but... Okay maybe some people think I am punk, but is that enough? Nope.

Take the Punk Rock Test at fuali.com

I wanted to be more punk than that... Oh well...


I am 24% Geek

I wanna be a geek. But I'm not. Why would I even want to be one. Do I think it's fun? I should try writting an online test application at 1 am in my underwear

Take the Geek Test at fuali.com

Geeks are kool...heh heh...


I am 37% Goth

Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com

I am 40% Ska

I know the scene, I've heard the bands, and I am burned out. Well, these things happen. I will now go ahead and go through the same thing with Punk and Emo.

Take the Ska Test at fuali.com

The Real Thing.

"Not for nuthin' though, but compared to the youth of shobc i think your one of the few that are actually real," she said. I'm talking to Miriam online right now and I've just about finished spilling my guts out. I've known Miriam just about all my life. Our parents were in a band together, we grew up in the same church, and now we're both in the same youth group at another church. Although I've known Miriam for a long time, I've never really taken the time to really get to know her...Until March of 2002 that is.

In March, our youth group went to this youth convention called Blizzard. Blizzard basically consists of all the youth in the eastern region Open Bible churches. We all get to gether in Ohio and stay in a hotel for three days. During that time we have three services with the worship part being like a concert. We have games to "break the ice," get prizes, have speical presentations, and towards the end a "preaching" that is sort of like a message that we teenagers can relate to. Afterwrds and during the day we had activities like rollerskating, going to the mall, bowling, etc. Anyway, Last Blizzard, Miriam and I (along with three others) shared a hotel room. SInce Miriam and I shared a bed we also had the privelage of staying up late and talking. I'm really glad that we shared a room because we really got know eachother.

As Miriam and I continue to talk, she brings up the Blizzard experience. "You know in blizzard im really glad me and you shared a room together 'cause thats when I felt like you know Jenise is a real person I always knew you was but I felt like we were two different people but I realized I have more in common with her then most of these other people." All I can do is agree with her and thank her for the compliment. We continue talking about life and I continue spilling my oreo-infested thoughts to her. We talk about how many people look down on me because I'm "different" And how I'm constantly being told to "dress like a girl." We agree on the fact that everyone should bethemselves and I remember how she told me I was "real". Alot of people take that for granted, but I don't, because in the world of Brittney Spears wannabe's and people who buy the same exact shirt for Aeropostale... at the same time, being real and being yourself is very important.

Soon after Miriam leaves, my cynicism returns to me as I realize how hungry I am. On the way to Mcdonalds I can't help but think about all of the things we talked about and how for the first time in a long time, I appreciated one of my friends. Maybe I'm a little strange and I don't always do the right thing. I climb into the back seat of the car with my Algebra summer assignment that I should have done a month ago. My cool brain is ranting, "Just forget it and copy it when we get to school. Everyone does! Be normal for once!" But my nerd brain just laughs. I take out my calculator and refocus my eyes on the workbook. I might not be doing the right thing, but I was doing the dorky thing- the only thing I was good at. At least I was being myself.... Miriam would be proud.

hating it here

Blah My dad is such a pain. He has just finished shoving a bible down my throat and forcing me to pray all the time. He's making me read thebible and take notes and everything and it's not that I mind doing these things... But I want to do things for God because it's in my heart. Not because the obesse phsycopath I call "dad" is making me. He's also threatened to make me drop out of the pantomime team. AND he said he wants me to dress like a "girl". Blah... Why can't he just accept me the way I am. I'm not a druggie or a prostitue and I'vehad like 1 freaking boyfriend in my entire life. I've never done anything horribly bad and I don't have a criminal record. haven't peirced my nipples or anything so why does he hate me so much? Gosh.... And he's like "why do you skateboard...your a girl...?" And its just so annoying. He was also like "you don't have a choice in anything and you don't own yourself.... so you cant do whatever you want you have to do what I tell you to do. And don't think I'll spare 'the belt'. " I don't care. The day he severly beats me is the day I move out. I swear and I'll take Kimberly with me. Grrrrr... sometimes I hate this place.

Hey you know what's a good song?

Weezer's keep fishing. Go and download it....




While your at it download "my girlfriend" by relient K.

bye

o and by the way

I AM NOT OBSEESSED WITH HIM PYRO SO LEAVE ME ALONE.... ;-)

Just got back from church

It was okay I guess, I'm actually glad I went. It's weird to see my dad in church though... It's been years since he was actually into God. Edwin Jr. (one of my favorite little 4 year olds) drew me a whole bunch of pictures. He's so cute, I love that kid. He has ADD but he's still the koolest, funnest, smartest little kid I know. he's so much fun. Also, I think my dad is breaking up with the long distance lover. It turns out she's not a very nice person. Weeeelll there's not much to say So I guess I'll go now. I'm just waiting for Matt to hopefully come online and watching friends (I can multi task) So i guess I'll update later. Peace <33333333

I just got an email from Jordan.

Turns out he wasn't abducted and hes super busy and it isnt all that fun anymore and a whole bunch of other stuff. Jord, youre in my prayers.

peace <333

Parents are evil

My dad is actually trying to be the "responsible, loving parent".... It only took him 15 years to do it. I don't know whether to be pleased that he actually cares about me or to be appalled by the way he's trying to shove a bible down my throat. In fact I'm sick and throwing up and just feeling horrible today and he's dragging me to church. the one day I don't have to be in church on a tuesday night (the pantomime team is in ohio...well other than me and a few other youth of course) My dad's forcing me to go. Today he had a seizure at work and when he got home( he was in the hospital) before I could even hug him and say that I'm glad he's okay and stuff he started yelling at me and threatening to take everything away and how that he hopes something bad happens because he wants to see what we're going to do and blah blah blah. He never shuts up. I mean I love him, but it's like he's so annoying sometimes. He thinks he knows me so well and the truth is that he hasn't even taken the time to get to know me. But no no no it's all my fault. Whatever. I've stopped caring what he says and stuff because all he ever does is hurt me anyway. I mean he tries to make it up to me by buying things and whatnot and occaisonally spending time with me without fighting with me, but it doesn't take away all the hurt he's built there in the past. I mean I've forgiven and fogotten.... But sometimes it's just like so hypocritical. Anyway I've gotta go get a bible shoved down my throar so I'll be quick.

School starts next friday. I've miissed so many people.

I miss sitting in Lesbian lane and wandering around the halls with Laura.

I miss punching Alex.

I miss Stephens hair.

I miss randomly giving flowers to people on Bell blvd. with Steff and Laura.

It's okay I'll see all you guys soon!!! I talked to Matt again last night. He's soo kool. I also really really really miss Jordan. ALOT. I'm thinking he doesn't miss me all too much because I haven't even heard from him in the longest. I bet he's having laods of fun at college and is really busy and just doesnt have time for me. I knew it was going to happen like this.... It's amazing how fast some things change.

SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I'm so tired I just got back from babysitting Kathy, Justin and Joey. don't think my dad's gonna let me sit for em anymore because it's so late and I was suppossed to be home at 11. =( Anyway Im soooo sleepy and elysa hates me and Jordan left right after saying hi to take a shower and i havent talked to him in a million years and i miss him because hes my best friend but im talking to Matt and stuff so everything is a little better. I better go. much love <333

InNeR rOcK sTaR

It is sooo boring here...I really need to clean my room. But whatever. Anyway Right now I'm reading Jessica's blog wich is really kool. She just started it last week I think, but it's coming along good. Last night when I was online when I was suppossed to be sleeping I met this really kool (and cute) guy online. I know it sounds dumb but he really is awesome. He's in a band and he plays guitar and he's just really kool and nice and funny and stuff. We exchanged pics and stuf and hes so hot. He's like this original rocker-type boy and he's really kool. He's from Texas or something though so I mean nada is going to happen. If I knew how to post pictures... trust me I would... Anyway enough about Matt.

JORDAN!!! Where are you man? I miss him sooooo much... it really sucks because I haven't talked to my best friend in ages. My sister (aka Satan) is being such a pain.... She is so lucky I'm not allowed to hit her.... She is such a pain sometimes....grrr.....
...... On a brighter note school is starting soon!! This is the last week of summer and I haven't seen Laura (my dearest Pyro bestie) or Steff in soooo long... all summer in fact. I also miss Alex and Stephen, I'm really hoping the Cors don't get bumped or else Laura might be gone (she's one of the last P's =( ) Who else do I miss from sfp? ooo Hot skater boy...lol.... It's fun to stalk him but I'm starting to think that maybe he graduated because he was either a junior or senior last year (I don't know on account of me never saying a word to him in my life) I miss being late to Cor and sitting in lezbo lane with Laura and Jenny during lunch. And I miss punching Alex. And I miss Stephens wacked out hair. And I miss seeing Johnny in the halls after lunch just saying hi and stuff. I guess I'll see Laura around labor day though, because she swore to rescue me from the long distance lover for at least a week. Oh wow, I have to go clean up, my dad will be hom soon. ttyl!!much love and keep the peace!!

Yeah right... I'm not going to sleep... but yay!! Friends is almost on!!! Go Joey!!!

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey

My dad's actually trying to be the "responsible parent." He wants me to go to bed now... it's not even 11 yet. whatever. Well I can't stay online so I guess I better go. And Jordan, email me to let me know you haven't been abducted by aliens yet, okay? I'd email you, but well, I can't. much love <333 Peace.

I've been thinking about sweet 16's.

I'm never going to have one. Not one of those really pretty dresses and cool parties. I'm gonna get to celebrate it with my "family" aka my dear paranoid father and my little pokemon-loving sister. That should be fun. I wish the world were more creative... maybe I wouldn't stand out so much. I wish that everywhere you went people were paintingmurals on the sides of buildings and no one dressed the same. I wish I could go to school im my Pj's and not get strange looks. I wanna wear a tiara and a black prom dress with fishnet tights and combat boots alone with sparkly gloves with the fingers cut off. "Are you feeling alright?", you ask. Of course I am. Welcome to my mind.

Dork=koolness at it's peak.
Got back from Angie's house today and instead of church I came home... I'm sooooo sick. =( It isn't fair. I've been in bed like all day and everything. Blah. I'm doing pretty much nothing except for trying to convince Josh that he's not a loser, just a little insane/paranoid. I hate when he's down on himself because he really is a pretty kool guy. It's like trying to tell him he's kool is like a suicide mission. Even when you come out physically unscathed you're still pretty burned. I always win though... =). Anyway I'm super bored....dun dun dun. I haven't from Jordan in a while and I'm wondering how he's doing. I guess I'll go email him in a little while. I was playing the SIMS a little while ago, but there's only so much you can do with 10 families and a neighborhood. Okay, Instead of boring you to death with the life of my virtual friends I'll just let you go read other blogs. Later.

To Grandmothers House we go.

Hey hey hey. I jus twanted to write a little bit before my aunt picks me up. We're all (me and my sister that is) are going to her house. She was actually suppossed to be here a little while ago. Anyway, so we're going to her and Angie's house. I was there last week and it seems as though ever since she moved back to the city we're always over. I guess me and Ang could make an adventure or something. Last time we spyed and forced our way into an empty apartment... yes I know, braking and entering. But we had to make sure that there really wasn't a dead body down there. Oh well, I guess we might go back there to check things out and stuff because last time we did it during the day and heard footsteps coming down the stairs into the same apartment so we had to jump out and empty window(it was on the first floor) But I guess we can check it out tonight since my aunt isn't going to be home. OOOOOoooooOOOOOooooooo shit...aki mushrooms. My dad is cursing. gotta go. much love and I'll update when i can.peace <3333

Ooo !!

I forgot to tell you about my doorbell. Anyway I went to Mandies a while ago and they had this wicked awesome sale.. and I bought this doorbell for my room. It's like a monkey and a bannana. The monkey is on my side of the door and the bannana is on the outside. Anyway, When you squeeze the bannana it makes monkey noises!! How kool is that? Wicked awesome I tell ya... wicked.

Grrr...

I hate when people look at everything as black and white, good and bad, wrong and right.

Dude, There's more than one explanation for things. Get a clue.

One day, I'm going to be a rock star.

And all of those people who wanted to beat me up in highschool are going to be buying my cd's. I've made a committment to myself to not get all down and stuff anymore or at least not get so down to the point of me questioning my life. I've been practicing my guitar and writing songs for OTWS (on the west side) alot lately... I've also gone through like three sketchbooks in the last month. So yeah, I guess I'm doing pretty good. Allyson, SHOBC youth pastor, wants me to get counseling. ick. Okay I'm not THAT depressed, especially not anymore. I had one of those crying fits and I kind of just missed my mom and stuff and I really didn't want to talk to anyone but she made me. I'm fine, once in a while I just miss her, is that so bad? Anyway, I'm doing pretty good. I keep on having these weird dreams though, oh well. I've had alot on my mind lately and I've decided to not sweat the small stuff, life's too short.
I have come to the conclusion that any meal with parents is a trap, even those from which you escape unscathed. Here's a thought. Breakfast with parents is a trap. They know you want food. And if they get you to a restaurant, then they can have their way with you and you can't leave. They can pester you about your life, and you can't get up and leave until you've finished your eggs over easy.
I have also begun to think that I have an unhealthy obsession with Fabrizzio Moretti. Really. I took this "Wich stroke are you?" Quiz that Laura sent me and I got Fab. I kno just about every detail about him wich is pretty sad... Oh well. When school starts my unhealthy obsession with Fab will turn into an unhealthy obsession with Hot skater boy. I remember the first time I saw him. It was right before gym (he's a junior and im a sophmore) And he was outside skateboarding during his lunch period, when suddenly his kickflip/ollie type thing when utterly wrong and he fell into me. It was a beautiful start. Of course I've never talked to him in my entire life except to stutter "Don't sweat it." when he apologized for running over me withhis skateboard.I don't know his name, either. But hey, I have a whole year to stare at him, hoping he doesn't notice the drool on the floor beneath me. Lately I've been rocking the tie/tank top combo (Big thanx to Avril Lavinge and Kelly Osborne) and hopefully I'll be going to the village next weekend. I need clothes so badly. I mean it doesn't really matter because with school and everything I'll be wearing a uniform everyday, but I suppose it would be kool to get some rocked out arrm warmers and socks and stuff. Also maybe some chains and stuff and a few more patches for my beautiful black bookbag. The only patches I have on it are from Blink 182, New found Glory, Green day, Bleach, RK, and saves the day. And now that I'm totally into something corporate I need to get a patch for them. I had a strokes patch (you honestly didn't think I forgot about Fabrizzio, did you?) but I made this wicked awesome bag from a pair of jeans (Yes... I am an unknown amateur designer....sort of...) and it's dedicated to Fab. I like transfered a pic of him onto an Iron on patch (Thank you, kinkos!!) and put it on and i have a few strokes patches and pins on there as well. Anyway, I know it seems I'm writing bits of nothingness to you people, but then again, welcome to mind. I was watching Harriet the spy today(excellent movie, by the way) and Gully had told Harriet something towards the end. I'd like to qoute it. "There is nothing more beautiful than the truth." And in mmy mind, and my blog,. this is my truth. And if you don't like it, well then don't read it. Whew I better go clean my room before my dad gets home. I don't need another meal with him so that he can try and force his way into my little mind. Well I must be on my way. Peace!! <333

I love lip rings...mmm...

WHY? Why lip rings? I haveno clue but I just think theyre sooo cool. My dream guy would have a lip ring and an eyebrow ring. Unless he was Fabrizzio Moretti... he's sexy all on his own. He doesn't need a peicing. mmm FAAAAAAAAAAB.

Blah Blah Blah.

I wanted my dad to here "Konstantine" by Something Corporate because it's my favorite song and he fell asleep a minute in to it (its about 9 and a half minutes long). He's still sleeping on my bed. Gee dad, I love you too.

I don't know. Jordan seems different. Not in a bad way... but in a distant way. It's weird how fast things can change.

Sk8r Boi

I just saw making of the video for Avril Lavigne's sk8r boi. I want a skater boy...........really, I do.

He left and didn't even say bye. I know I'm over reacting but still... he didn't even say bye... and our conversation basically consited of "hey whats up?" ":oh nothing much and you?" "Oh nothing much." I know I'm being paranoid. But I think I'm in love with my best friend... and do you know why? Because I'm stupid. He's only the most amazing person I know. Why is he so great? I'm the idiot in love with a guy who lives halfway across the country. I don't even know why but I'm like starting to cry. What's wrong with me???? I'm like suddenly going paranoid. I don't even know why this hurts. It shouldn't hurt. But he didn't even say bye... i haven't talked to my best friend in the world for a week and he doesn't even say bye. I don't even know why I'm mad... he didn't do anyuthing wrong. My life isn't even that bad... well then why the hell am I crying? Why do I feel so alone??? This isn't fair. And I'm a depressed freak who cries when her friend signs off without saying goodbye. He'll make new friends anyway. And eventually I'll be a memory and blah... why am I doing this? I'm totally overreacting and acting paranoid. It's just the thought that losing him hurts so much. WHATS WRONG WITH ME??? I don't know whats wrong with me. I don't even know who I am. And my best friend is happy and making new friends and stuff so I should be happy right? And I am happy for him. He deserves to be happy. But why why why why why am i crying. I don't know why. I wish I was talking to him right now. For some odd reason he just makes everything right in the world. But he left without saying bye and stuff so I guess I'll just forget about the world being right. I don't even know anyone who I could talk to about this other than him.... I don't know. He's making his own life. And he needs to. So I'm happy for him. I don't even know. I don't feel like talking. bye.

I'm talking to Jordan... so why aren't I happy? Maybe it's because deep down in my heart, I know things have changed drastically. I don't want to admitt it yet... I don't know. ALl of a sudden things are different. I hope he's happy... he deserves it.

My grandpa killed Mickey. I am sad. :-(

I'm missing Jordan alot. I got an email from him today... It was pretty short but at least I know he's doing great. He's made really kool friends and stuff and there's alot of christians in his dorm so it's really good. I'm still kind of hoping that not EVERYTHING changes... That we'll still be best friends. But I know eventually we wont. he lives a million miles away and with college and stuff he never has time for anything. Well at least he's happy and that's the most important thing. There's a christian girl who lives like one door down so maybe he'll get a girlfriend and stuff wich would be kool for him I guess. I know I don't sound thrilled but I AM. I guess I'm just tired and that's why I sound so bad about this. I think that I'm thinking too much about this. Liking your best friend as much as I do... just can't be healthy. Blah. I don't even know what's going on withme. I guess I just miss him. And no... I do NOT get jelouse... I want him to be happy and have fun and everything and having a christian girlfriend could be really good for him. I know I know... I like him alot but so what? Nothings going to happen between us and even if something does happen it won't be for at least a year and maybe more. Plus he lives so far away and plus... he's my BEST friend... ick... I don't know. Maybe I should just shuttup. Later.

watching a backstreet boys thing on UPN.... I don't know why because I strongly dislike boybands but I guess it's a little part of the old me. I'm even singing along to "I want it that way"...pathetic? I think not.

Blah.

Sometimes life sucks. Alot. I don't even know what I feel. I don't feel ... anything. I'm just so confused right now... There's just so much crap going on in my mind and I just wish it would all stop. I miss Brian. Alot. And the one person who can make me feel better about it... the one person who actually cares and shows it... is in college and hasn't called, not that I expected him too. I just wish I could talk to him... It's bee like a week since Jordan and I talked last. I miss him. And I miss Brian... and I must be a pain because I keep on bitching about this. I don't want to feel sorry for myself... I just miss my friend. I used to be so happy all the time and it's like I've changed so much and I hate the person I'm becoming but I can't help it. It's liked I've stopped caring. But I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. Actually what I'm not going to do. I'm not going to give up. Someone once told me that I have alot of determination and ambition and that they look up to me because I never give up. And that got me thinking... I can't give up.... Not now. Not ever.

Oh I forgot to tell you about the mouse who lives under my bed. I discovered him on friday and named him Mickey. At forst I was freaked out. But I can only imagine how alone in the world he must feel... I mean I feel pretty alone, but at least I have a family and friends. Mickey has no one. Well that's all folks.

Alright, I know it's been a few days, but I've been som what busy. On sunday I didn't do much of anything and then on Monday I went to my cousin's house because she just moved to the city. Anyway it was basically me , Angie(my cousin) and Steven hanging out on the balcony the whole time. I slept over and then today we went to drive my other cousin, Alex, to his college in Maryland. It was about a six hour drive so it took up the whoile day just getting there and back. I met one of Alex's friends and his old roomate... I think his name is Jason or Jake or something like that. Anyway Jason/Jake/whatever was really funny and stuff and pretty cool I guess. I didn't really get to talk to9 him that much outside of helping Alex get his stuff to his dorm because he's like 19 and a sophmore in college and stuff and I don't know, but if I was him I wouldn't want to talk to me either. Blah, Jordan didn't call so I am sad... so very very sad. I haven't talked to him in so long... I didn't even get an email. :( But I suppose he's awfully busy and stuff with college and everything. I knew he wouldn't have time to even think about me, but I guess I was still hoping he would at least call to tell me hes okay and give me his dorm number and stuff. Well at least I hope he knows he's always in my thoughts and that I want to make sure he got there okay and everything. Well there's not much more to say. I'm trying really hard to not hate life and I suppose I've gradually getting better. Well I guess I should go.
much love <3333

Okay. I walked passed his house. But I didn't go to the "party" ... I'm not even sure there WAS a party. Laura suggested that maybe I was the party but I dunno. Anyway I didn't have to sneak around or anything....I was sent to return movies and his house is like along the way so there. I am still good. I supposse I'll run into him again sometime though I mean he lives a few blocks away from me. Anyway there's suppossed to be this meteor shower around 3 am and I'm planning to go to the roof and see it. Anyway in two days I'll talk to Jordan.... I mean Bill again. I miss talking to him. Not only he is the most incredible person in the world... he's my best friend. And I don't know.. I guess I just like him alot. If we did go out it won't be for a at least a year and stuff and it would most likely be long distance. I really don't want to mess up our friendship and neither does he... I don't think either of us could handle losing our best friend.I supposse it's best to take things slow..although I really have to admit I've like dhim for like two years. Sure Dan is hot...but Jordan is the best guy in the world. He's really funny and sweet and kool and he's just the best. And I'm glad he's my friend. Anyway as for seeing Jordan I guess I'll see him the next school break because the long distance lover said that whenever I want I can take a plane up to Chicago and he can visit me from there and stuff. So i guess it's all good.
I took Kimberly(my sister) to see spy kids 2 today. It was pretty good for a kiddie movie. Anyway I don't really know what to say and a million people keep IMing me so thats about it I guess. Later and may the force be with you!!
much love <3333

ps... Yes I'm still depressed though things are definately looking up. I can actually smile. :-)

Yet another day in the miserable world of me......
......Except today wasn't so miserable. I was on the bus today and I saw this really really like drop-dead I can't form words but I can stare stare stare type guy. I mean he was really really really really hot and I could do nothing but stare. He looked at me too and stuff but I wasn't on the bus for long...AND I was with my sister and Granfather. Anyway just a while ago I saw him again... I was walking down the block and stuff and we saw eachother and he waved and smiled (gorgeouse smile)...then i saw him AGAIN on my way back home. Like he was coming out of a store and we ran into eachother on the corner. Anyway we kind of talked for a while and I found out his name is Dan and he lives like 6 blocks away from me. He was like "man I wish I knew you better because I'm having this party tonight...There's going to be alot of peopel you don't know...well not alot or peopel but people you don't know. But if you want, stop by. My house is the grey and white one on [so and so street]." I SHOULD have asked for him emal or number...but I was too scared and shy and stuff. I'm still plotting whether I'm going to go or not...If I DO go I'll probably have to sneak out, wich I don't like doing. I'm thinking about maybe just taking a walk tonight and coincidentally passing by his house. If I see him I'll stop and talk for a little while but I won't stay. If I don't see him... well I have the rest of the summer plus after school to walk down the avenue and maybe I'll see him again. He was soooooooo cute. He had like longish black hair (the kind that it would be fun to get my fingers into) and he was kind of tall and thin but not too thin. He had nice arms. He was wearing like a black muscle shirt and green/khaki skater pants. Anyway he was soooo hot. Thing is now that i FIND a really hot and kool guy who's obviously into me there's still another guy I can't ever get out of my mind. Lets call this guy "Bill". Anyway me and "Bill" have been friends for a few years now and we've gotten pretty close. He's very very kool. I just found out a little while ago that "Bill" likes me (yes in THAT way). Anyway Bill lives far away right now because he's in college a whiles a way from here. Even if Bill and i do ever have a relationship it wont be a for a few years and its probably going to be long distance... ooo!!it's raining!! im goin 2 the roof. much love and ill finish later. bye!!

SHE's coming to NY. The long distance lover is coming to NY. ick. She'll be here tommorrow. And I don't even get to see Jordan in the process. Fun.

Anyway, I woke up this morning as usual thinking to myself... damn I didn't die in my sleep. Woe is me. According to Laura I have come down with teenageritis...aka life sucks. I did the usual I am miserable let me dress in black because I am slowly going from punk rock princess to deadly suicidal artsy goth. Anyway I'm getting ready to redecorate/paint/everything my room. And I found the bedroom of my DREAMS in this book and when I showed to my dad he said we could do it so I'm really semi-happy/content/as happy as I'm gonna get. Anyway I was just watching Lord of the rings and I just got what Jordan was telling me about Aragorn and well I'm not really going to get into it but I'd like to say... Jordan I totally understand and sorry for putting you in such a weird position. Okay forget what I just wrote. I just read Jordan's email. And I will keep my thoughts to myself until you call on monday.
Anyhoo...about the bedroom... It's like this total artsy type thing with like yellow and red and it's gorgeouse. It's so like me. When I get my scanner working I'll scan a picture of it. Okay my other best friend Jessica just called. So I will go. bye.

oh yeah...


much love <333333

Guess what? Just a perfect ending to my summer. I'mnot going to Chicago. My dear freaking dad decided that since he wants to make me miserable... to take EVERYTHING i wanted to do this summer and screwing up. fun fun fun. Well I guess I won't be seeing Jordan until the next time my dad goes to see his long distance lover. I hate her.

Anyway, Jordan starts college on monday I think. He's packing up his computer today I think and I don't know when's the next time I'm going to talk to him. I told him to call me when he gets to Missouri, but I don't know is he'll have the time. I hope he does because I'm already starting to miss him and I talked to him earlier today. Anyway with school and stuff it's gonna be hard to find time to talk and stuff and I can only hope that we make time for eachother. I feel bad because I'm watching this documentary on teens who have seriouse drug/alchohol problems and are doing a hike for a program and I'm here thinking...wow that guy is SO hot. Geez..I think I have problems.

As for Brian... I'm still really missing him although that horrible empy feeling is starting to go away. Unfortunately with the departure of the emptyness I'm now in a lot of pain. Instead of thinking about how awful I feel and how much I truly hate my life I should focus on the positive. Stuff like:
a) I'm alive
b) I don't have to live in those I can't believe it's not butter commercials that mke you want to stab yourself in the eye with a spoon.
c) I'm not addicted to rat intestines.
d) I don't have a mean jerk of a boyfriend...but then again I don't have a boyfriend period.
c) I know how to stop myself from getting so depressed that I'm on the brink of committing suicide.
e) I have friends.
f) I have a nose.

Oh God... I'm still watching the documentary thing and theres this guy named Kyle. And wow he went through SO much, it isn't fair. No wonder he was into drugs and alchohol. It's called a child's last chance. Whatever it takes. I mean I can understand why they're so miserable and stuff. Well anyway, I guess there's better stuff I could be doing than typing crap. I hope Jordan finds time to email me. I love him so much. He's the koolest. Well I supposse I'll go now. Maybe I'll find time to write more later. Brian I miss you. Much love.
<33333

Flying saucers are real. The Air force doesn't exist.

I am not a punk fan... I'm a music lover. Bands like Something Corporate and New found Glory are great music bands... not great punk bands. I have as much respect for punk bands as I do for pop stars and stuff... as long as their music and lyrics are as deep. People would call me a rocker... but I would call me myself... a unique different person... someone unlike the rest. And I don't mean it in a bad way. Someone calling me diferent is about the best compliment that I could get. I've been thinking so much about who I am. I mean... WHO am I? It's like I keep on searching for myself..but in a way, I'm scared of what I might find. I supposse it seems just a bit absurd that I don't even know who I am... but it's like the person I thought I was all these years turns out to be someone I'm not...someone I hate. All those years I was too scared to actually be myself... and I just hope it's not too late to find myself. I just don't know who I am. I've always been the little girl who hot straight A's...who never once thought twice about herself...who never cared about how she was... who was really shy.... and I've just realized thats not me. At least it's not who I am anymore. It's never upset me as much as now that I go unnoticed. I just wish I knew who I was. I wish I was stronger... that I didn't freeze at the mention of Brian. But as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder.


Konstantine (Something Corporate)
I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar/
maybe cross the country/
become a rock star/
and there was hope in me that i could take you there /
but dammit you're so young /
well i don't think i care /
and if i hurt you /
then i'm sorry /
please don't think that this was easy /

then you bring me home /
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone /
and i'm dreaming in your living room/
but we don't have much room to live /
and konstantine is walking down the stairs /
doesn't she look good /
standing in her underwear /
and i was thinking /
what i was thinking /
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere /

my Konstantine came walking down the stairs /
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair /
and i've been thinking /
it hurts me thinking that these nights/
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere /
no /

this is because i can spell konfusion with a k /
and i like it /
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it /
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car/
when the first star you see may not be a star /
I'm not your star /
isn't that what you said /
what you thought this song meant /

and if this is what it takes /
just to lie in my mistakes /
and live with what i did to you /
and all the hell I put you through /
I always catch the clock /
it's 11:11 /
and now you want to talk /
it's not hard to dream /
you'll always be my konstantine /

konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do /
no they'll never hurt you like i do /
no, no, no no no no no no /

this is to a girl who got into my head /
with all the pretty things she did/
hey /
you know /
you keep me up in bed /
this is to a girl who got into my head /
with all the fucked up things i did /
hey /
maybe /
baby /
you could keep me up in bed /
my Konstantine /
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen/
and i said/
did you know i missed you? [x7]/
oh god i miss you /

and then you bring me home /
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no /
and you'll kiss me in your living room /
i know /
you'll miss me in your living room /
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room /
we don't have much room /
i said does anybody need that room? /
because we all need a little more room /
to live /

my Konstantine

Dork= koolness at it's peak

I guess I'm feeling somewhat better today... Not MUCH but hey it's something. I actually smiled today and laughed and stuff and it's been a while since I actually felt good about myself. Anyway I think things are slowly getting make 2 semi-normal. I was listening to this really good song by something corporate called Konstantine so u better check em out. They also have a good song called If you see Jordan.Also if you like them, check out Dashboard confessional... Right now I'm listening to Screaming Infedelities by DC... wich is good and I can really relate. Anyway I'm off to add Jenn to my list of friends so I'll be back in a few. laterz and much love <333

Sometimes I feel so lost. It's like I don't know whats wrong with me...but I'm not the same person I was a few months ago. I used to be so happy all the time and so cheerful.. now it's like I'm empty. I mean there are times when I'm like my old self. Times when I laugh for no reason, make amillion friends in one day, and actually have fun. But then there are days when I'm just so tired of living. Days when I just wish things were over. I know that sounded just a wee bit suicidal so let me rephrase. I'm sick of the WAY I'm living and all of the things happening in my life. I don't even know who I am anymore and I'm desperately trying to find myself. I don't want to be all depressed and moody but there are too many things going on here for me to actually be happy. I mean sometimes I'm happy for like brief moments...but I always go back to the way I was...depressed and morbid. It's like sometimes I feel so alone in the world. I know that I'm not and I know I have friends who love and care about me. But I don't always feel it. I'm changing so much. I mean I like who I am and I love myself. But there are certain aspects that I hate... like the depression and stuff. Like I said, sometimes I feel happy for a little while at a time. Like when I think about all the stupid jokes Brian used to make. Or just talking to Jordan....mi gato azul y amigo. Jordan is perhaps the most awesome guy I have ever met.. and he's a great friend. Yesterday he stayed on the phone with me until after 4 am because I was really upset and sad and stuff from finding out about Brian. I love him so much. It's like he always knows what to say, and he actually cares about me. He loves me for me and he doesnt care how I look or how I sound like I'm nine on the telephone. I love him because he's my best friend. And the way he always brings up the movie Signs when he wants to change the subject is so cute. And he has that voice.. the kind that makes everything right in the world. The way he cares about his friends and how he'd do anything to help them And how he always speaks of "Bill" wich is actually himself in code language. And the way he laughs when I tell people that I'm on the phone withmy 30 year old child abducting fiancee just to freak people out. And how he's so insecure yet so confident at the same time. There are not many things that I'm sure of in my life..and it's really good to know that Jordan is perhaps the one thing I am sure of. He's my best friend and I love him. That's all I have to say about that.

Just a song i wrote for OTWS... sort of about Brian.

How forever ended
I never thought you were the one I'd have to say goodbye to
I never thought it would end this way
You always seemed so full of life and happy
I never thought you'd take your own life away

I didn't even get to know you
Well enough to know what was wrong
You never once put a thought in my mind
That you'd go away and leave me all alone

And I'm thinking about forever
And how I'm waiting for that day
When my days will be over
And once again I'll see your face

I'll never forget how you always cared
and how never let me go
I'll never forget how you knew all the right words
and how you said you'd neverleave me on my own

And I'm still thinking about what you said
about never thinking of death
And then a couple of weeks go by
and I hear that you killed yourself

And I think to myself
I wish I would have known
I wish I could have done something
I wish I wouldn't have left you alone.

In a way I blame myself
I really should have called
I know i could have saved him
I shouldnt have been so self-obsessed

But now it's to late to help him
Because now he's gone away
but I still really miss him
And I wish I could have saved him from that terrible fate.

And I'm thinking about forever
And how I'm waiting for that day
When my days will be over
And once again I'll see your face

I'll never forget how you always cared
and how never let me go
I'll never forget how you knew all the right words
and how you said you'd neverleave me on my own

And I know you're looking down at me
from the heavens above
And I know that you're an angel now
And you've kept your promise about never leaving me alone

And even though I can't see you
I know that you're here with me
You'll always be inside my heart
Forever you will be

And I'm thinking about forever
And how I'm waiting for that day
When my days will be over
And once again I'll see your face

I'll never forget how you always cared
and how never let me go
I'll never forget how you knew all the right words
and how you never left me alone

Much love <3333333333
~Jen

Okay I am now arguing with one of my best friends...bea... know why? because im a jerk who takes out her problems on other people. Brian i wish you were here to make me laugh. I miss you.

Okay this is my glorious life:

Brian is dead
.
I am mom-less.

I think I'm rather depressed.

I'm addicted to the SIMS.

I hate this place.

My dad has a "secret" long distance lover who we're suppossed to visir over labor day (she lives in Chicago).

I hate this place.

I think I'm in love with my best friend.

I hate this place.

On the brighter side... I may get to see Jordan over labor day break because his college is a few hours away from Chicago. I don't know if we're going to meet up though. I hope we do... It would make the trip to hell a lot more deal-able. I know when he starts college next week we wont have time to talk very often. I just hope he doesn't forget about me and we keep in touch. he's an amazing guy. I'm still missing Brian though. I haaven't cried at all...it's as though I have no tears left. I feel nothing...literally nothing. And for some strange reason... It feels alot worse than pain.

I'm over the annitial shock of Brian's death. It still hurts though. I talked on the phone with Jordan all nite last nite... from around 11:00pm to well after 4:00am. He really cheered me up and was just there for me and I really really thank God for Him. I didn't know Brian very well or for very long... Maybe about a month. We didn't talk very often but when we did... it was always something special and something I looked forward to. I wish I had a chance to get to know him better and I really wish that I could have helped him live. He really was a great guy and I just wish I could have helped in some way. I've thought about him alot lately and I hope his family is okay. Maybe one day we will meet again.
Thanks Jordan...much love <3333333




Brian you are forver in my heart. I miss you. I'll never forget the way you could make me laugh no matter what and your wild sense of humor. I'll never forget the way you always knew what to say. And most of all... I'll never forget the way you just knew how to love someone unconditionally. You've taught me alot about life in the short time we've spent together. I'll never forget you. I don't know if you're looking down at me...maybe your now an angel..... And If you're reading this now. Just know that I'll love you. And though I might not talk to you or hear your voice anymore... You're in my heart. I love you and I'll never forget you. Adios mi amigo.
With much love <3333333
~Neicy~

"has anyone seen my will to live? I think i may have lost it."


Dont worry.. I'm not going to kill myself. I still love myself..but i honestly do feel like crap. Im sick of living at the moment.. I just hope I'll get back to normal....eventually.

Brian I miss you...much love <333333 your forever in my heart.

My conversation with Brian's mom.
ABS4UT: are you brian's friend
JeniNyPr: um yeah
ABS4UT: this is his mom i got bad news
ABS4UT: :'(
JeniNyPr: oh? whats wrong
JeniNyPr: ?
ABS4UT: brian died this morning
JeniNyPr: WHAT?
JeniNyPr: please tell me ur kidding
ABS4UT: brian comment suicide :'(
JeniNyPr: oh my God
JeniNyPr: oh my God
JeniNyPr: oh my God
ABS4UT: :'(
JeniNyPr: Please be lying to me
JeniNyPr: PLEASE
ABS4UT: i wish i wass lying :'(
JeniNyPr: oh my God
JeniNyPr: why? He always seemed so happy
JeniNyPr: omg omg omg
ABS4UT: i kno :'(
JeniNyPr: oh my God
ABS4UT: its so hard to believe :'(
JeniNyPr: i didnt even know him that well... but he seemed so kool... oh my God... OH MY GOD
JeniNyPr: this cannot be happening
ABS4UT: i kno :'(
JeniNyPr: oh no... please no... this isnt fair
JeniNyPr: oh God
ABS4UT: i miss my son :'(
JeniNyPr: oh no
JeniNyPr: no
ABS4UT: :'(
ABS4UT: please pray for my family :'(
JeniNyPr: i will
JeniNyPr: omg
JeniNyPr: im sorry
JeniNyPr: its like
JeniNyPr: im still in shock
ABS4UT: its so hard to believe huh :'(
JeniNyPr: i cant even cry.. i dont feel anything... its like im empty
ABS4UT: i've been cryin my eyes out :'(
JeniNyPr: ohm y God
JeniNyPr: im so sorry
JeniNyPr: im so so sorry
JeniNyPr: Maybe if I could have talked to him again
JeniNyPr: maybe I could have helped
ABS4UT: :'(
ABS4UT: i found him dead this morning..in his room :'(
JeniNyPr: Maybe I could have done something to help him... I just didnt know
JeniNyPr: If we had talked more maybe he would have told me
JeniNyPr: was it suicide for sure?
JeniNyPr: he seemed so happy and full of life... he was always making me laugh
ABS4UT: yes hun. he slit his wrist 3-4 times. and took like a bunch of pain killers
JeniNyPr: ohmy God
JeniNyPr: i just wosh i could have done something
JeniNyPr: i wish i could have stopped him
ABS4UT: me 2
JeniNyPr: I'm in New York right now... so I guess thats it..
ABS4UT: maybe so hun :'(
JeniNyPr: im never gonna talk 2 him again.. i never even got 2 say goodbye
ABS4UT: me ever :'(
JeniNyPr: Oh my God... I just dont know what to say...
ABS4UT: :'(
JeniNyPr: i mean i cant say anything
JeniNyPr: this isnt fair
ABS4UT: life sucks :'(
JeniNyPr: he was such a good guy.. a great guy
JeniNyPr: if only i could have talked to him one last time
ABS4UT: me to honey :'(
JeniNyPr: Im so sorry
JeniNyPr: im so so sorry
ABS4UT: thanks sweety :'(
JeniNyPr: its like.. i partiallyblame myself..cuz i was thinking about callinghim but i was too busy.. and i should have made time
JeniNyPr: i could have helped
ABS4UT: :'(. its not your fault hon
JeniNyPr: im so sorry
JeniNyPr: im so so sorry
ABS4UT: :'( dont be hon. its not your fault
ABS4UT: im gonna go




Brian... I miss you...I'm so sorry... im so so sorry...

I wish I could have helped... it's not fair.. I miss him. Oh God... Please let this be a dream....please let this be over.

omg..brians dead... i didnt even get to know him that well but he seemd like such a nice guy... so funny and full of life. I can't believ it. Brian's gone

Brian committed suicide ... i want to die too.

I've begun to wonder if one day my overactive imagination will get me into seriouse trouble. Not that having imagination is a bad thing... but I'm not sure I know where to draw the line. Is having a cynical,morbid sense of humor and a sarcastic outlook on life a bad thing??????

I am very bored right now.... And it looks as thoughmy hopes of journalism/creative writing will be smashed, but all is well I suppose. I'm almost positive that Guy has a girlfriend, wich I may think is a good think. It like makes it impossible for me to get hurt... since I'll never go out with him/tell him how I feel. I mean it's not like I'm obsessed with him or anything... I don't even like him all to much as more than a friend, I just think he's really cute anf kool and stuff. But I guess we'd be better off as friends anyway.. I mean I don't even really know him that well. Plus... although I hate to say it... I think I'm still in love with Jordan... I mean I'm almost sure nothing will happen between us. We've been best friends for years and I've really liked him ever since I met him.... in addition he's starting college soon so he'll be in Missouri. I'm not even sure how much we'll get to talk. And as far as Josh is concerned... I don't even know whats going on. I haven't talked to him in a few days and I have this strong feeling that he's avoiding me. But on to a brighter topic.
I just downloaded some saves the day, Something corporateand Dashboard confessional songs and have found that emo music rocks. I can really relate to the lyrics and it's just so cool. I mean music is one of the few things I have that I can use to escape all the crap with... I mean I know my lifes not that bad, but sometimes things juct suck. This whole sumemr has kind of been really bad, and it's like I really need to just get away from it all sometimes. And music helps me do that... Maybe I sound crazy but music and art are like my passions...there's nothing(as in inanimate objects) I love more and it's just so good.to have something to help take me away. It's just that sometimes I feel like such a screw up and it's just too much to stand at times, I just can't wait till college so I can get out of this massive hell hole. It's not that I don't love my family... It's just that every day just gets harder and harder to cope with. I knwo I could move in with my aunt anytime...but I don't want to. I know she doesn't really like me all ti well and that the only reason that she puts up with me is because I remind her of my mom.Well, I know I probably sound extremely selfish and sorry for myself... But I think at times I deserve the right to sulk. I can't do it in front of everyone, so I do it online. I just hope I get back to myself soon... I'm starting to not like the person I'm becoming.. But I can't really help the way I feel... So much is happening and I'm just hoping it stops before its too late.

okay... I am now out of depressed mode... know why? Because someone on bloghop thinks my site sucks... so blah. I mean at least my thoughts don't go unnoticed. Well, I have to go now but I'll be back later.

I hate this place. thank you very much dad... and by the way, I hate you too.

I don't think anyone reads this anyway. I'm figuring my thoughts go unnoticed. It's like Im slowly losing my selfconfidence, wich no one notices because i always act so happy and positive. And then when I eventually do show some emotion or talk to someone about how I'm feeling, no one takes me seriously. I'm not sure whats worse... pretending I'm okay, or occaisonally showing how I feel and just feeling worse. I think I'm going to go draw or play my guitar. I'm starting to get too depressing. And that always help. It's amazing what 6 strings and a few frets or a sketchbook could do for you. Such as embarass you. I drew this picture of Guy last weekend and when I gave it to him i said "...yeah ... well, you have nice cheekbones...." I sounded very very stupid... and I supposse that's a bad example of what art can do for you and so I think I'll just shuttup now.

I once looked at someones profile and there was this quote that read "Has anyone seen my will to live? I think I may have lost it." At times like these... I couldn't agree more. Like I said previously, I'm not going to commit suicide. I still love myself.

I know I know... twice in less than 20 minutes. But I have so much on my mind and I just need 2 clear it. Guys are not all i think about.

Theres been so much going on and it's not even that bad. Mostly little things... but after a trillion little things pile up it starts to get annoying. I'm so tired of always being the happy one. I'm sick of being optimistic. why can't i ever get mad? Grr... It's like I dont even know myself. I'm not suicidal...I'm just tired. I'm so tired of it all. My sister.. yes my little sister is such a pain. Not that I dont love her... but shes always in my face and always listening in on my conversations and always saying something to someone and then she wonders why my freaking life story is all over the place. I'm always the happy one.. and when I'm not happy I have to pretend to be so that people arent running to my aid or rushing me to a hospital or something. No one gets that I'm not sick anymore. And if I'm not sick they almost immediately think it has to do with my mom. Everyone feels sorry for me and I'm so sick of getting pity..why can't anyone understand that its okay? So what if I don't have a mom? That doesnt mean that everyone has to be nice to me and make surenot to mention anything about mothers or hospitals or AIDS. I get it okay? she's gone...and she's been gone for like 6 years. I get it. I know she's not coming back so can everyone just back off!? I'm not stupid and I'm sick of being treated like I am. I'm sick of being "poor little Jenise" and I'm sick of everyone always saying in hushed tones "don't be mean to her.. she might just snap. That poor child.." cuz i am NOT a "poor child" and I'm not an orphan. I have a family an dthere are plenty of people who dont have moms so I would apreciate it if everyone stopped looking at me like I'm some sort of freak. I truly believe that the only reason my family puts up with me is because I look so much lik eher. I never asked to look lik eher and I'm tired of being the looked at and then bawled over. It's like I'm some sort of morbid death child. I just want to be NORMAL. I know I'm weird and I like that about me ... but I don't want to be weird because of my mom's death.. I want to be weird because of me.

Then theres the Jordan thing. Blah... i hate liking him sometimes. He's like my best friend and it just makes things so weird. And at various moments it just hurts... But at the same time it feels good. I'm not making sense am I? And then theres Guy... who's really kool.. I think... Although I don't know him very well. He's kool though and pretty cute and I just dont know. It doesnt matter though because for all I know I'll never see him again. And Jordan...blah... I just can't stop thinking about the whole situation and it's like driving me insane. I never used to be like this...I was such a tomboy and at least i enjoyed it then. I mean I still kind of am... but it's just different now. I don't know... blah. I can't really explain it. Well I guess I'm about done b*tching and complaing so i suppose I'll leave.
and yes, I still love myself... I'm not gonna committ suicide.

=P

I really don't know whats wrong with me.... but I wish I did.

I'm in such an utter state of confusion that I can't wait for school to start...at least it'll take mymind off of things. I will no longer me "Jenise, the freak of the family" but I will be "Jenise, one of the koolest freaks at SFP!!" Anyway, yeah. On saturday I talked to Jordan on the phone for a few hours(i think)...anyway it was really kool cuz I've missed talking to him. Life is tough when one of your best friends lives a million miles away. I said some stupid stuff but hopefully he's over it.

Boys. Enough said.

I don't even know WHY I'm so boy-crazy lately... must be a summer thing. There's Jordan.... the guy I've liked for about 2 years who's also my BEST friend in the world. Then theres Josh... I dont even know whats going on with him... I don't even know what to say... It's like whoa.... JOSH likes ME.... this is WEIRD... he's a really close friend. Then theres Carlos who I've known all of my short and space consuming life. He's cool but i dont know... hes just him... I love being his friend. And then theres Drew... or maybe I should think up a code name incase he may get the url to my blog. We'll call him "guy" rather than "cheekbones" as Laura calls him. LONG story...it's best not to ask questions. Mind you these are not guys who LIKE me... these are just guys that I happen to be majorly crushing on. I seem like such a weirdo... geez. I didnt even know Joshy liked me until a few days ago.... and im still in shock. Not like anything can happen though considering he is currently located in OK. What is it with all these outta state boys???? Guy lives in FL and Jordan will be starting college in Missouri soon. I think in a week or 2. And Carlos... he's like a brother to me. Anyway I doubt you want to hear about my non-occuring love life. So I will change the subject to my newfound love for emo music. I'm really getting into Dashboard confessional and saves the day... theyre really really good. I also finally downloaded the new found glory song "my friend's over you" (i LOVE that song).
I've been soooo sick this week... I think I have a cold. Anyway as I have been home all day with my headaches I've read almost 3 of my sister's Harry Potter books, learned how to play Yu-Gi-Oh!!( a game sort of like Pokemon...my cousin Jay taught me), and made a new bag. Yes me...the unknown fashion designer...and Fabrizzio Moretti freak... has made a bag dedicated to Fab(drummer of the strokes). I like cut the leags off of a pair of jeans, turned it inside out and sewed the opening where I'd cut, together, then I used the material left to make a strap, and pinned on Strokes patch that I got from Hot Topic to it. Then I went to kinko's and made a photo copy of Fabrizzio Moretti and made transfered it to a iron on patch thing. then I ironed it on to the front of my bag. "Obsessed?" you say.. naaah, I'm just a fan. It's all about the music.

ick

cyber hugs freak me out.

Okay, Since I'm in a state of utter confusion I think it best to take my mind off of things by writing in my Blog. The question is, what to write about? There is much on my miond but I don't waqnt to bore those innocent people who actually tine in to my blog. Anyhoo, I guess I'll free my mind now. During labor day weekend my dad,my sister, and I will be going to visit his long ditance lover (or Milly as she's known to the rest of the world outside of my mind) in Chicago. This should be loads of fun... really. With all the stuff that has happened, the thing I fear most is that the worst is yet to come. School should be starting soon and I will go from the young rebeliouse teenage punk of the family to the slightly known skateboarding Third eye blind loving freak of highschool. At least there are quite a few rebelious freakish punks at school and I will not be alone. Anyway, Today I went to fear.com and found some interesting fears that people have. I will list a few of my favorites.

the pope will laugh at you - [agree | disagree | 105/106 | 50% agree |
that she's only a friend - [agree | disagree | 89/55 | 62% agree |
Jared the subway sandwich guy - [agree | disagree | 76/53 | 59% agree |
That Canada is planning to take over the USA. - [agree | disagree | 60/83 | 42% agree |
finding out that bill clinton really did not inhale - [agree | disagree | 214/302 | 41% agree |
that no one will ever really understand me - [agree | disagree | 297/111 | 73% agree |
I may die without ever finding my true passion. - [agree | disagree | 307/115 | 73% agree |
if eminem went country - [agree | disagree | 136/179 | 43% agree |
The secret sauce - [agree | disagree | 250/185 | 57% agree |
god speaking to mankind through flying gophers - [agree | disagree | 159/269 | 37% agree |
Being in a situation where there is nothing you can do to help in any way. - [agree | disagree | 332/75 | 82% agree |
When you try to strangle yourself for no specific reason? - [agree | disagree | 160/142 | 53% agree |
when my electric appliances turn on by themselves - [agree | disagree | 594/228 | 72% agree |
scared that I already lost mr/mrs right - [agree | disagree | 358/264 | 58% agree |
that my dog sees dead people - [agree | disagree | 319/289 | 52% agree |
knowing that something's about to happen for no explicable reason, and then it does - [agree | disagree | 426/124 | 77% agree |
People who claim they think for themselves, but don't - [agree | disagree | 271/149 | 65% agree |
That the guy who said "We have nothing to fear..." lied - [agree | disagree | 327/110 | 75% agree |
Afraid that your crazed imagination might get you in trouble one day. - [agree | disagree | 242/82 | 75% agree |
growing up to be just like your parents - [agree | disagree | 324/114 | 74% agree |
reaching under the cabinet to find there is no extra roll of toilet paper - [agree | disagree | 322/77 | 81% agree |

To read some more make sure to check out fear.com!!!!
Okay well I guess I'll write some more later. bye for now!

Josh likes me....whoa

And Erica knows I like Drew.

Josh likes me. JOSH likes ME. oh my God.

This is my gorgeouse life:
a)I'm a freak...not just any freak mind you. An artistic freak with a skateboard. That's the worst kind of freak you can be.
b)I'm fat wich means I have to live in the Ugly home forever. Address:
Jenise P.
Ugly Home
Ugly kingdom
Ugly Universe
c)I'm "secretly" in love with my best friend...only wish I'd kept it a secret.
d)This summer is going terribly terribly wrong... I might as well just stop hoping for things because something always comes along and screws it up.
e)My two best friends on the planet live a trillion miles away.

Today in church, my dad threatened 2 hit me... like he whispered in my ear that when I got home I was gonna get a "beating".I mean my dad would never really hit me but i knew i wasg onna be grounded BIG time....my dads a ncie guy. When he gets mad he likes to threaten but hes never hit me b4 and I know he never will. Anyway I got really scraed, pretended that I had to use the bathroom and went in and cried. Then I went downstairs to where the kitchen is to drink some water. Anyhoo I guess That Carlos could tell that I was crying cuz he was downstairs too...just about to go up. Anyway he was like "hey Jenise...what? you don't say hi anymore?" And then I kind of like tried to push past him cuz I didn't want him to see the tears in my eyes and stuff. I guess he realized something was wrong cuz he like stopped me in my tracks and like held me there so I couldnt move and was like "Jenise, are you okay" and i just looked at him and then I started crying and he like hugged me and stuff and was like "come up to the sound room and wait for me" (He does the mic's and stuff.no one else was downstairs or in the sound room) Well I went up to the sound room to wait for him and while whe was coming up my dad came and like lectured me in the sound room and it was so bad... i mean like i felt like crap and stuff and it wasnt kool. When my dad left the soundroom Carlos came and sat next to me and asked if I was okay. I just shook my head no and I like tried to make it look like I was fine but tears started coming down again anyway. He just like passed me the box of tissues and like put his arm around me and stuff. I tried to make things better and I asked him if he knew that he looked alot like a cat and he was like "shuttup hehe" and then I dont know he started playing with my shoe and my ring and my bracelets and stuff and I dont know. It just made me feel really really good. okaynow about yesterday. Yesterday I went to this barbeque thing in conneticut. I told you about Drew (the guy i was suppossed 2 go to DC with) anyway hes soooooo kool. I really got to know him and stuff and hes reallyn ice. so is his brother Dereck. We(me,my cousin Erica, and Drew) watched saving Private ryan wich was really good but loooooooong, and then we ate some of this Tia vegeterian stuff they had and then me and Erica went outside to watch Daniel(Ericas brother) and Dereck(14) play basketball. Then Drew came out and we all started playing a game. It was me and Drew against Erica,daniel and Dereck. about 2 hours later Dereck tried to push drew and then ran inside so it was just me and drew against erica and daniel and it was sooooooo fun. We played for hours on end and i was like sweating like a boy...it was so gross but i still had a lot of fun. My hair was like dripping and i was like ewww this is so gross and then Daniel said "Hey drew... you kn ow your butt is wet?" and Drew was like "see Jenise....Sweating on your butt is way grosser than your hair." and like a while later we went inside cuz we were so hot and tired and stuff. on the way up the stairs drew was like "Erica, Jenise!! Stop looking at my butt!!" and i was like "Oh drew...you kno I cant help it...it turns me on." and stuff and i dunno it was fun. We went inside (AC!!!) and watched the scorpian king on TV. Me and Drew were laying on the floor in living room and Erica was on the sofa. Anyway after that we played pictonarie and it was so much fun. the funniest part was when Drew was trying 2 make us guess the word "vibration" and he drew and earthquake and stuff and we like werent getting it or anything and then he drew a vibrater!!!omg it was sooo funny!!! Erica was like "OMG what is that" and i was like "I dont want to know" and then Dave(one of the adults on our team) was like a vibrater!!! it was sooooooooooooooooo funny omg. lol anyway

earlier in the day i had drawn a sketch of Drew cuz i kinda like him and he has really good cheekbones...lol...yeah that sounded weird. anyway right b4 we left i asked him if he wanted the sketch i drew of him and he was like "what sketch" and i showed him and he was like um "sure...but r u sure u dont wanna keep it?" and i was like "its yours" anyway he kept it and like he was smiling and stuff (hes soooooooooooooooooo cute) and i was saying bye to some of the ppl and i caught him like staring at me and he was sort of smiling and stuff and i dunno lol... hes really kool.But it sucks because he lives in FL and he's only in NY for vacation. He leaves next weekend and I'm probably not going to see him during the week and stuff but im going to ask my cousin Erica to get his email address and stuff. and hopefully I'll get it and everything will be okay. He wants to go 2 college in ny tho so chris (my aunts gf) said that he was going 2 stay with them. He's 17 so i guess its only a year and stuff. Anyway hes really kool and cute and stuff. he has like black spiky-ish hair and glasses and he has like kinda pale skin but not TOO pale and hes taller than me and he's kinda skinny but he has nice arms. lol okay... im not like in love with him or anything but i do have a SLIGHT crush on him as with carlos and as with "bill". I guess ill get over it. Chris was telling me that Drew is REALLY shy with girls and stuff and that girls have to literally go up to him and say "Hey!! I like you" for him 2 realize it and even when they do he like looks around and says "me????" ANyway I hope the drawing showed that i liked him cuz i mean i had to STARE at him to draw him and i told him he has very defined cheekbones and how thats good for drawing and stuff and i know it sounded really weird but i noticed his CHEEKBONES for crying out loud and well...thats it. lol i hope u could actually read what i wrote cuz im not sure i can

I am back...did ya miss me? I know I haven't written in oh lets say, forever. But I've been pretty busy doing absolutely nothing. Yesterday was my birthday.... yes MY extremely horrific birthday. I spent the day doing absolutely nothing. Then I went out and bought The SIMS...big mistake. I am now hooked and I'm afraid to say that by the end of next week I'll have absolutely no social life. But it's okay if I don't have real friends. I can creat virtual friends who HAVE to like me. After the whole SIMS deal my family and I went out to pizza hut. fun fun fun. On the way home my utterly embarrassing but loving father stopped the car at a green light because there were some guys walking down the block who I was momentarily drooling over. He asked, "Do you want me to wait until they pass by?" exageratingly loud while me and my sister scremed, "GO GO GO!!!!" At that exact moment the group of guys (one of wich was beautifully displaying the sexiest six pack I've ever seen and skateboarding at the same time) all started staring at me because my darling dad had stopped the car at a green light therefore making my drooling session even more noticable. Anyway, enough about my birthday. Today, I did as you can well imagine...absolutely nothing. My friend Tim called me wich was cool but all he could talk about was "I miss ashlie," over and over and over. I can't blame him though. Long distance relationships are super hard. I should know. Well, I haven't talked to Jordan in some time and I am starting to miss him. Though we constantly email eachother, it isn't the same. Well, I must go now, but I will be back...eventually. until next time.... May the orce be with you.