Poo
I miss steve... alot

Once upon a time me and Rob had a brilliant plan to take over the world
What happened to that????

New years eve is today... yay
So todays the last day of 2002. Ineteresting. I guess this is the time to look back on what has happened this past year..
I realized who my real friends are and Ithe fellowship officially began.
I got a boyfriend who's really cool/strange and he's one of my closest friends.
My grandparents and uncle disowned my aunt Lilly and angie and alex.
I finally got over Matt.
I found out that writing is my passion.
I joined the dance team.
I got really really mad at Jessie for a long time.
I was in the hospital alot.
I'm seeing a shrink.
..And I'm actually getting better.
I learned to love my dad.
I still kind of hate my mom, but I hope to get over that.
I did REALLY bad in school for the first time ever.
I spent alot of time crying and being depressed.
I can finally do a kickflip on my skate board. yay for me.

Now I guess I'll think of some things to change...
I will look to the brighter side of things and not pretend to be happy when I'm miserable.
I'll talk to someone when I feel horrible, even if it's just Laura or Jess and they yell at me for scaring them.
I want to improve my relationship with my dad and with God.
I want to work really hard in school and bring my grades up.
I will not say something mean to steve after I say something sweet. ie, i will not say "aww steve you have a prettyful smile... you moron".
I want to keep my room clean.

And thats about it for goals. Today was in general sucky. I mean it was good for a while talking to Steve, but other than that it sucked majorly. I just feel so bad lately. ugh... I was so getting used to feeling happy most of the time. I really want to not be sad or alone... but I can't help it sometimes. It's like theres this voice in my head saying "I don't belong here. I don't belong here." over and over until I feel so uncomfortable that I have to leave. At least my anxiety attacks have slowed down. I haven't gotten a really bad one since yesterday but before that it's been weeks. And lately everything seems so right, other than today I mean. I'm still kind of missing her I guess... but I really don't want to think about it right now. I'm really happy and steve is online and we're talking and even though we're not going out friday due to the game cube fest I'm still really really happy. And I don't want to ruin it by bitching and moaning about everything. I really want to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's horrible. I mean I notcied that I say funnier stuff when I'm miserable just because I hate everyone and I need comic relief... but I rather just feel happy. And I lately just can't keep a pen out of my hand because writing is just so great. And yeah.. I'm going to go talk to my wonderfully weird boyfriend now, but I'll be sure to update later. much luv and happy new year <333 * Asta

oh poo
Jessie's mad at me because I called Richard and didn't call her to talk. Poo.

I love my friends
I' feeling ALOT better now... I talked to Richie on the phone (okay I cried, he talked) for a long time and it made things alot better. He's really good at cheering people up. And then I talked to Laura, and then Rich some more. And then Steve. And we're going out again on friday. It gives me something to look forward to. And so now I'm happy. Oh and Laura, Rich's sister says that Josh is her best friend "but he's a blind retard who's afraid of committment and like 3 girls asked him out and he's turned them all down because he's stupid and blind." Anyway I still hate alot of ppl but at least im sort of happy now. Blah.. i have to wait a whole week to see steve again... =P... and Laura has confirmed my suspicsions. I have turned into one of the people we mock... I have become a sap.

Bored Bored Bored..
The village was fun... I found steve a cool christmas gift. =( i have to wait all week to see him again (friday). Blah blah blah.... I am soo bored and I thought maybe I'd write and stuff because I heart writing and people keep on coming into my room and reading everything and grr... why won't people leave me alone. The entityof the human race is so stupid sometimes. in 3 days it'll be 7 years without my mom. I think maybe I should feel sad or something but I don't. I mean I guess I do a little just because I wish I knew her... but I don't have like an ache in my heart because she's not here because well... I don't know... I guess because it's hard to love someone you don't know. And I wish I could talk to someone about it but there's not really anyone to talk to. Laura is probably still asleep and Rob isn't really a phone person. I mean he'd talk to me if I needed him but he's just not a phone person and I rather not bother him with silly things. And no one's online... and I don't think I could talk to anyone else about this and expect them to understand or even get what I'm trying to say (ot6her than Laura and Rob of course). Maybe Steve would but I don't know... I'd probably call him and not say anything anyway because I'd just chiken out. And Laura and Rob are the only people who can like sense what's wrong jusr by seeing/hearing me. And I KNOW Laura would drag it out of me because that's what best friends do. And thats the way it should be... and thats what I need. But instead I'm here not saying anything in particular because I don't even know how I feel. I guess I miss her some of the time... damn... I just wish I knew her. She was always so sick so I didn't even get a chance to know her. Bastard doctors. Do you know what it's like to not know what your mom sounds like? Do you know how bad it feels not to remember her voice? Of course you don't. And now I feel like I'm about to start cryinga nd I don't even know why. HOw can you miss someone you never knew? Maybe thats why I miss her... because I never knew her. And I have a picture of her and she's so beautiful. And I remember she used to always say "shoot". But thats pretty much it. She was so pretty though... I wish I looked like her. People say I do but I know it's just to make me feel like I have a part of her somewhere... but I don't. It's not fair though... really it isn't. People shouldn't have to never know their parents. And no one even told me what was wrong with her untril after she died. I hate them all... every single person who lied to me. They said she had phenomnia (can't spell it)... why would people with just that get so sick? they all fucking lied to me.... they LIED. All this time I thought she was going to get better and she didn't. She had AIDS... something you never get better from... and they lied to me. You die from aids... you don't die from phenomnia. Why did they lie... did they think it would be easier for me? Well guess what. It wasn't. It made everything 10 times worse. At least if I knew what she had I'd know she was going to die... I wouldn't be lying to myself. oh god i hate them all. What the hell am I supposse dto do without a mom? I don't even get a mom to yell at me. I just wish I could hear her voice one more time. Just say goodbye. But no... I can't. And you know what? The last thing I told her was a LIE. and I was mad at her so I didn't even kiss her goodnite. I was such a little bitch... rrrr... I hate this.You have any idea what it's like to say "hey dad I have my period" or make him take you to buy bras or any other embarrassing stuff. And my dad left me whan I was little.... the bastard left me. and then he came back when my mom got sick. So i didn't even know him either. He didn't even love me enough to stay. It's like I just wasn't enough for him. I am so mad... and I don't even know why. And I'm freaking crying. I HATE crying. I am not a baby. I refuse to cry because my mommy's gone. I refuse to. And I hate her. I hate her for leaving me. I hate her for getting sick. I hate her. And I hate my dad too. I hate him for lying. For leaving. I hate them all. And I hate everyone who ever told me my mom wasn't gonna die. If you freaking bastards are reading this let it be known that wish you would have died instead of her. Thank you very freaking much God. Look what you did. I thought you loved me. I never thought you'd lie to me too.

Dance like no one's watching... Ahh!!!!! the enter button isn't working so this is all going to be in one paragraph okees? Anyway right now I'm at my aunts house waiting to go into the village. And Erica keeps on making me think about Steve... she deserves to die. And I have come to the desicion that I'm no longer going to write about things like Steve in such detail on this thing because all my best friends read it and it's just so... weird I guess. And then they tease me wich is okay but I still don't want to freak anyone out or anything. So I'll just keep it in a seperate journal... the details and such I mean. So Yesterday we did absolutely nothing when me and Eri were suppossed to hit the mall and then the village but because someone came over we couldn't. Poo. Anyway we baked cookies wich is fun because I heart cookies and then I spent the longest time writing stuff and I guess that one day I'll post it on here but not as of yet. And then today we went to see the gangs of New York wich was awesome and I personallyt think Leonard Dicaprio is an amazing actor despit what some peopel *cough* Laura *cough* believe to be true. And in about half an hour I'm going to the village... yayz!!! It's like the best part of NYC. And maybe I'll even peirce something or other. fun fun fun. Dup Dup... I just emailed Steve and I wish I c ould talk to him even though I know I wouldn't be able to think of anything good to say... I just like talking to him and stuff and... yeah... I know, here I go again. Well, I think I have to get offline now but I'll update soon. Much love to all <333 *Asta (paragraph would end here) PS.. I feel so happy lately... for the first time in a long time... things just feel so right. (enter enter enter) PSS... I miss Laura... The fellowship lives on!! =)

I'm not saying George Bush is stupid, but it's a bad sign when before summit meeting, other world leaders are high-fiving and whispering "this is going to be easy."

I'm not attracted to buy things because they're part of a "limited edition". Everything is a limited edition. There's not an infinite amount of anything. And why are things like a collector's plate more valued just because fewer people have them?
If it's something you need to live, like water, and no one has it, then it's valuable. But an old musket? Given a choice, people in the 1700s would have wanted something better.
Why do people get off on the fact that other people don't have what they do? Collecting is all about arrogance. And collecting gets mistaken as a talent. People say "I'm a great collector." It's not a talent. All the stuff exists, you're just putting it in the same room.

I don't get it when I see signs that say "wanted dead or alive."
Shouldn't you pick one? That seems pretty important. It's a big difference. Dead means they're no longer breathing.
I guess what you're really saying with "wanted dead or alive" is "wanted dead", but you're just too shy to ask.

Steve thinks I'm weird. Is this good or bad? Too bad it cannot be helped...

Asta

A perfect circle
Okay, I didn't update last night because my computer was hating me and I was on the phone with Laura forever. Anyway... yesterday I went to the movies with Steve wich was really really great, aside from me being a teensy bit hungover. We saw LOTR the two towers again, went to the pizzaria, and then just walked around for a really long time. And it was really great. He felt bad that I lost my GC poster so he bought me a LOTR one for christmas. It's Frodo. And it's cool. Yeah. And he's so... chivalrous... the boy gave me his jacket. And he's funny, and cool, and nice, and sweet, and cute, and one of closest friends, and he's part of the fellowship, and he like's paintball, and he's all cuddely, and I don't know. It was just really really great. And I feel bad because I was hungover and felt really really horrid through half of it and I wasn't much fun because I was all woozy from christmas. But I still had a really great time. And he's so weird... we were walking through snow and stuff and there'd be like a 3 foot patch of non-snowed on ground and he'd like stomp the snow off his boots and by the time he was done stomping the snow off his boots we were walking in snow again... it was so cute... so really very strange... but cute none the less. And he really is a pyro. And I'm just now realizing that the only people who read this are part of the fellowship and are probably getting freaked out by the fact that I'm writing everything that happened and it must be weird for them and blah blah blah...
Yeah.. I'm done now. And Cia... I lover you!!!!
much love <333 * Asta

ps. I almost forgot... I accomplished some of my goals... and here they are...

8. I want a star named after me.2002's christmas gift to me from Darleen. It's name... Jenise-Marie in the Orion constellation
27. I want to make a pact... never to be broken.The fellowship-> Sir Steve of eccentricity, Laura of fire, Jen of punk, Roma of Quietsometimes, Richard and Ed of gamerstown, and Rob of fucked up
41. I want to have a moment that to the equivelent of the sisterhood of the traveling pants with my best friends.The fellowship exceeds any sisterhood..

Merrry Christmas!!!
Even though it doesn't really feel like chriistmas.. it has been good so far. Okay... so I have a star named after me, PJ's, Some kool Hot topic stuff ( a new really big punk bead chain, pipe jeans, and a cool black t-shirt that says "I have alot of friends. You just can't see them.", and a pin that says "can't sleep clowns will eat me".), The perfect pancake maker (yeah and i knocked on rob for getting that for his siter... but it's really cool. And I heart pancakes), candy, a really cool black purse/bag thing from my grandma, the LOTR movie from Rob, A GC poster I lost from Roma, A toy duck from my sis, A monkey hand puppet from cia, A home-made scarf (wich rocks hard) and Harry Potter and the goblet of fire from Laura, and a date with Steve on thursday. I am really really happy. And I already know what my dad's getting me... an MP3 player and new ballet slippers. And then tommorrow (or rather later on today) I hang with my dad and his side of the family and get money because they all think I'm a freak and don't know what to get me... wich is still cool. It's also my dad's birthday and so he's all excited and happy... But it just doesn't feel like christmas... it's snowing and everything but still...

Uncle Junior won't let us near his house after he abandoned my aunts for being "gay"... and now he doesn't wanna see me either becauise our only connection was my mom who died like a million years ago. I really hate him... he's whats keeping me away from my grandma. Blah. So instead of the usual family get to gether thats so happy and fun.... we had a stupid christmas party at my aunts house. It was so stupid. It basically consisterd of everyone sitting around eating pizza. Then around 10 we decided it was time for santa to arrive so we opened one of our gitts. Then my aunt's girlfriend brought me home and I opened the rest of them. But let me stop complaining because I don't want to be the one to ruin christmas. And now I'm sitting here... doing nothing... watching A christmas story because Rob wanted me to. And my earing is starting to get infected. damn. My aunt (who's a nurse) said that it'll be fine though... I just have to clean it and put medicine on it yadda yadda yadda. Anyway, mom if you can see this... Merry Christmas and happy belated birthday. I love you and hope your semi-proud of me 'cause I haven't really done anything to be proud of yet.
Oh yeah... Happy birthday Jesus.
much love <33 Asta

Merry christmas!!! Feliz Navidad!!!!

Dance like no ones watching...
Life has been SO good lately. 1st I see the two towers, then steve asks me out, and now I have a star named after me!! I am SO freaking happy. It's Darleen's christmas gift to me and I'm so so so so so thrilled... it's unbelievable. That is one of my life goals and it's soo cool... It's in the orion constellation (my FAVORITE constellation) and it's named Jenise-Marie (after me.. duh) and I'm so happy. And things are going to be even better after thursday. Tommorrows christmas eve with my mom's family, and then christmas with my dad's, and then movies with Steve. Ha! I can't believe I'm going out with him.

And Laura, even though I prefer Strider, Legolas does have the cheekbones/jawline to die for. And he really does have a nice mouth... I never noticed until now....


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Sir Steve of Eccentricity, Laura of Fire, Jen of Punk, Roma of Quietsometimes, Ed and Richard of Gamertown and Rob of fucked up
-from rob's blog

Steve asked me out... I'm REALLY REALLY Happy... I don't even know what to say...
Rob and Laura are kind of ticked off. They think it's going to ruin the fellowship. damn.... i dont even know what to say. I don't think it will... I hope it won't. they think its going to ruin the fellowship. and its gonna be like when Ross and Rachel broke up and everythings going to be bad. and if it isnt messed up because we break up... itll get messed up because now me and steve are in the group and we're going out and it wont be the same and then others in the group will start dating and the group will either split apart or itll double... But I don't want to let this ruin my mood. I'm really really happy. I really like Steve and it's kool. anyway I g2g. mucho amor<333 atsa

Steve: when we go back to school and "bob" materializes on you i will have to give him the KOD

Roma: anyways the fellowship is too strong to get ruined by this you know so it shouldn't affect it


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ps.. Rob you are not f*cked up. I lover you... your one of my best friends.

Okay I'm ready now
Last nite was awesome. The movie was great. And I'm all crushing on Steve. And he held my hand. And now I'll go into detail about it....
There were 5 of us and the way we were sitting was Rob then Roma then Ed then me and then Steve. Me and steve like talked thru all the previews and sucky parts or whatever and he kept making me laugh like when someone died. Both of our arms were crossed and our hands were touching. after a while he was just like "Jen, your hands are cold" and I was like "good observation captain obvious" and so he like laughed and he kind of held my hand. Like he held my fingers sort of. Then after a while I was like "steve you moron, youve ruined the balance. Now one of my hands is cold and the other isn't" and he was like "fine well give me your other hand" and he just took it and put his other hand over it and kind of warmed it. And then he just held my hand the crossed-fingered way and it was kool. And it wasn't just like we stayed still. Like I'd move my hand for something and when I put it back down he'd hold my hand again or play with my fingers or something. Then of course at the end of the movie we had to act like nothing happened and just like we always act. And then we got pizza and bla bla bla.

Now the phsyco analysis part comes up. Steve isn't the type of guy to just hold someones hand randomly. He doesn't even really hug girls or anything. It's like high-five for everyone. Also earlier that day he was wearing my scarf and stuff and he asked for a hug from me. And he's one of the people who hates "Bob" the most. He's always commenting on how he's all over me even though I want to be left alone and how he deserves to die. And he held my hand... I mean you just don't hold someone's hand for no reason do you? And he's really cool... he's REALLY weird... but still really cool. He's... eccentric and he doesn't act weird or anything. I mean like when were holding hands and stuff he was still being Steve... a sort of sweeter Steve... but not freaky or anything. He was just being him. wich is really cool considering I like him. blah. And it's so freaking confusing... stupid moron had to make me like him. And what if itturns out that Rob's right and he really doesn't like me and it was just something that happened. Or what if it's like nothing happened when school starts again. Or what if it ruins the fellowship. damnit.... to much confusion. Blah. two weeks is too long.

Why is steve so weird. Blah... he deserves the kiss of the dragon the little freak. making me like him. And when school starts it wont even matter because we'll both just act like nothing happened. Steve is so weird... moron
(Rob and Steve)
Crashwithuhk: hes avoiding hte subject
Crashwithuhk: Now that jens gone. I saw you holding her hand at the movie. whats upw itht hat
Steve: oh
Steve: i dont really know
Steve: i thought you were asleep
Crashwithuhk: well i was looking over every once in a while cause everyone kept looking at me
Steve: yeah you should have seen yourself
Steve: it was pretty funny
Steve: ha xbox sux
Crashwithuhk: ha ha
Steve: as for your question ask her then you can tell me
Steve: g2g
(Rob to me)
Crashwithuhk: maybe he though you held his hand
Crashwithuhk: and he just didnt pull away

Jingle bell rock
So much has gone on... I don't know where to start. I've been hanging out with Rob, Steve, and Richie ALOT lately... theyve rubbed of on me. The other day we (me rob and richie) all ran through the girls bathroom (it was empty of course) cuz they wanted to see what it looked like and all Rob could say was "hey where are the urinals" then we ran out the door and landed in front of abunch of girls who just stared at everyone. The fellowship now consits of Rob, Richie, Steve, Ed, me, Laura, and Roma. I got awesome gifts... Rob gave me the Lord of the rings movie (I practically dislocate dhis shoulder when I hugged him), Roma got me an awesome GC poster wich I have already lost in the movuie theare (I practically cried... me, roma, ed, steve, and rob saw the two towers), and Laura knitted me a scarf and a really amazing card and got me Harry Potter and the goblet of fire cuz I really wanted it.... now on to the good stuff...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
HE HELD MY HAND!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!
Steve... held.....my...hand....in...the....two...towers....AHHHHH!!!!
I know I'm probably over reacting but oh well... it was so weird... good but weird. OMG I cant even type. I'll have to finish this later. ahhh!!
much love <333 Asta

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
And dance like no one is watching.
Talking to Matt right now... wich is really really great. Blah... I've been in this incredibly sappy mood all day... it's pathetic, but hey, me and pathetic get along just fine. I went with Rob tro get a christmas gift for his mom after school and then we hit McDonalds wich was kool. And The two towers comes out Tommorrow!! yay!!! We're all going on friday (Me, Pyro, Richie, Steve, and Rob) fun stuff. Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt Matt... blah... He doesn't get the effect he has on me... and I can't even begin to explain it. Today for the first time in a long time I've been completely and totally happy all day... Of course I had this stupid grin on my face all day but it was worth looking like a sappy idiot. Dup dup dup... I'm talking to him and I can't think about anything else so I'llc ontinue this later. much love <333 Asta

JeniNyPr: hehe... *offers bag of hershey's kisses*
SlickReservation: *sigh*...not near sweet enough

When Life hands you a lemon, say, "Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else ya got?"

You Are A Romantic Kisser!

You'll only kiss if the mood is right and if you think you are falling in love.

Some may say you're old fashioned, but when you kiss, you see stars!

One kiss from you, and anyone will be hooked forever.



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Physco is such a strong word...

blah blah blah... I'm talking to Matt. Gosh... Why does he have this effect on me... eh...

PS
Aaragorn from the Lord of the Rings is HOT. So is Legolas (Orlando Bloom) and Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood).... What can I say... I have a fetish for Middle earth.

Love is like war: Easy to begin. Hard to end.
Yesterday my blog was refusing to work so that's why I haven't written. Saturday I went to this family/friends party thingy wich was incredibly not fun except for the fact that I got to see the Lord of the Rings... again. This weekend I also found out a many great deal of things...
a) I feel alone most of the time, but I'm really not.
b) Timmy is one of the sweetest guys I know.
c) Laura is an awesome friend.. and even though she's really strange, she's my bestie and she only freaks me out cause she cares.
d) Matt doesn't hate me... In fact we're sort of actually friends again.
e) I'm not over Matt... even though sometimes I wish I were.
f) I really love my friends... the whole group ~> Rob, Steve, Ed, Richie, Josh (sometimes), Roma, and Laura.
g) Chris likes me likes me... it freaks me out.
h) Jordan is so... *sigh* Jordan-ish.... Jord, Never change.

I did all my christmas shopping already and am very happy. Also I talked to Matt... it was weird, not bad though, just weird. I think we're friends again. He said little things that made my heart jump, even though I know it wasn't how he meant it. Things like "you fit in my arms" after discussing things about how short I am. Little things. It's really confusing though... I don't know... there's just so much on my mind lately. Laura(Pyro) really is a great friend... I know I scare the crap out of her sometimes but I'm really glad she's around. We were besties from the start and I'm really thankful. Today we talked on the phone for a while 'cause I was absent and I had once again scared the crap out of her and we started talking about stupid stff like the day she freaked Ed out with the not wearing abra story. We were all sitting in teh cafeteria (me, rob, Laura, Ed, and Steve) ...
Laura : I'm not wearing a bra today
me: So?
Laura: I don't know....
Ed stares at her and turns red
Laura: What? I'm wearing an undershirt with the built in bra thing.
Ed still looking at her like she has three heads.
Steve stops talking to Rob about war and stuff and notices Ed's face
Steve: What's going on?
Me: Oh nothing.. Laura's just not wearing a bra today
Steve and Rob: So?
Ed still looking vaguely uncomfortable and blushing
Richie and Chris come and sit down next to me and Laura. They notice Ed's face.
Richie: Hey
Chris:What's up with Ed?
Steve: Oh nothing, Laura's just not wearing a bra today.
Richie and Chris: So?
Ed still uncomfortable, staring at Laura all red.
10 minutes later we're on to talking about the two towers and seeing it. Ed is still staring at Laura and the bell rings that end's lunch. We all start getting up to go to class. Ed still stares at Laura insanely. THE END
It was funny reminising about stupid things we've done. Blah I need Cia's locker combo so I can stick her christmas gift in there. I already have Laura's and Rob"s. Anyway Thats about it. much love <33 Asta.

testing to see if my stupid blog will work today...

Can you make yourself love? Can you make yourself be loved?

I am...

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u wanna do IT, ALL the time, an for sum strange reason are obsessed with Pringles. I guess u take, the "once u pop, u cant stop" thing seriously, drum roll plz, ur kelso

hehehe....

dun dun dun

Today is the tommorrow we worried about yesterday
Today was okay I guess. I hung out with Richie in the AM until a little after 8. then he walked me to H period dance. Laura was out today :-/ i need 2 call her. Since she and Riob were gone I hung out with Josh, Steve, and Richie during lunch as Steve ran around screaming "Jen your alive!!!". It made me feel lovedededed. Then I had to go the hospital again and take some really bad tests. Once again they couldn't find my veins and stuck me with the IV about a million times. God I just wish I was normal. Peopel are always like "your so lucky! Your never in school!" If they only knew...
I hate being sick. I hate hospitals. I hate it all. I just wish I was normal. And the few people who actually know about my family use it against me. Since my mom died of AIDS and I'm always in teh hospital they jump to conclusions and they won't come near me. And for the record I do NOT have AIDS. God. I hate this. ANd I hate this feeling of not belonging. All day its like I'm hearing in my head "I don't belong here. I don't belong here. I don't belong here" and I feel so uncomfortable I just have to leave the room and I get so mad at myself and grr.. I hate it. I don't even know what I feel. It's so confusing. I just feel.... blah...
On to better news... I talked to Jordan today it was awesome... I missed him soo much. And I talked to Jessuh too. Two awesome friends in one day... at least that cheered me up. And theres so much on my mind. It's almost too much. I just wish I wasn't sick...
ooohh!!!! theyre giving the nutcracker on TV!!!! I love ballet... not as much as Laura tho. My thing is modern dance. Anyway it's great and I don't feel as crappy as I did before. Blah. here I go again... down into the depths of Jenna-land. And Jessuh is in love... geez... that sounds so incredibly weird. Jessuh is one of the most cynical people I know.... and now she's all dreamy and ugh... it's so cute though.... almost too cute. Anyway I'm talking to dearest Rob the koolest freak I know. Later.
anti<333 Asta

new update: I updated my goals and made a page for it. http://idlehyjinxgoals.blogspot.com

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family
The last few days have been a blur. This is how the events are in my mind:
flu.sick.dad.hate.love.Tim.Chris.mad.grrr.Chris.Rob.friends.Guy.confusion.broadway.beautyandthebeast.taleasoldastime.school.dance.skate.clothes.jordan.christmas. family.cry.live.die.nailpolish.twotowers.confusion.longing.alone.tears.emo.matt.sisterhoodofthetravelingpants.hurt.pain.darkness.alone.

I feel alone. completely and utterly alone. And Chris just really ticked me off. And I miss Jord. And Laura and Rob. And even Ed. And Steve (sort of) and Richie. And Cia. And grrrr.... i just want to roll up in a ball and die (not literally). And blah. All I have is this sadness alone.
anti<333 Asta

The worst is over you can have the best of me
I had a really great friday and saturday other than being sick until about an hour ago. I fougt with my family againa nd i'm really upset and now I'm sick because like it really stressed me out and blah. I'm just so mad. I'm beyond mad... If I had feelings I would almost say I'm hurt. Grr.
*throws a shoe against the wall*
anti-<333 Asta

I can't help it if I think your funny when your mad

The past couple days have been weird. Lots on my mind...but I can't really spell it all out. Jordan was in the ER 2 days ago but I think he's okay now. I haven't talked to Timmy in so long and I really miss him. Brother Leonard, the treasurer of my school, died. Today was his funeral. I didn't know him but I still felt really bad. I talk to Chris like evryday on the phone for like an hour now... I don't know why... we've justgotten close lately. He's still very much i love with Laura though he's thinking of just forgeting about it because he has "no chance in hell" with her anyway. I think I might be starting to get over Matt. I don't feel sick now and I have dance in an hour. I saw Not another teen mocvie last nite and it was hilariouse. Life isn't as bad as it used to be. I donwloaded a song by stephen Lynch- Special Fred. It is SO funny. I also LOVE that bare naked ladies song "one week" It's one of my favorite songs in the world. Anyway thats about all. anti-<333 asta

One week
It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to one side and said "I'm angry"
Five days since you laughed at me
saying "get that together, come back and see me"
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish,
Although I like the Chalet Suisse
And I like the sushi
'cause it's never touched a frying pan

Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like LeAnn Rimes
because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but i bust through

Gonna make a break and take a fake
I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours
Gotta see the show cause then you'll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
'Cause it's so dangerous, you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? well you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of takin off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said "You're crazy"
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees
It's been three days since the afternoon
You realized it's not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say you're sorry

Chickety china, the chinese chicken
Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin X-Files with no lights on,
We're dans la maison
I hope the smoking man's in this one

Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm tantric
like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I don't make films
but if I did they'd have a Samurai

Gonna get a set a' better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
just so my irons aren't always flying off the backswing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes
that make me think the wrong thing.

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean? You soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said "I'm sorry"
Five days since I laughed at you and said
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame, but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

Still be two days till we say we're sorry

Still be two days till we say we're sorry

Birchmount Stadium, home of the Robbie

I hate this
How can you be cynical and sappy a the same time? seems impossible doesn't it. Not for me... Captain Cynical sap

When the music fades
Today overall sucked. I mean there were a few goo dthings like I talked to Chris for a while and he cheered me up a bit. Other than that though, I just want to crawl up in a ball and sleep for a few decades. I feel sick to my stomache, my ear is killing me (I had to move the peircing around and then i accidentally hit my ear), and I think I'm in L-word with Matt... still. I'm just so hung up on him. He was like the most perfect guy I had ever met... and you know what sucks even more than that? I KNOW I'm the only one feeling this way. I wasn't a big deal to him (at least he didn't act that way while we were ending whatever we had)... but he was the world to me. And I have a feeling he's avoiding me... but if I were him I'd be avoiding me too. I'm this phsyco stalker chick who won't leave him alone. Blah. I am so patehtic sometimes... and it's not like I feel sad about it... I just don't feel anything at all. I feel empty... Like I am way beyond pain. I just feel sick. blah...
I hate school. I miss Jordan and Timmy. The world hates me and I hate the world. *throws a shoe at you*
anti-<33 the end.