I've forgotten just how sweet your mercies are Lord, could you remind me? I'm learning to need you. I cry out your name, I'm in need of your mercy Jesus. Despite my pride and my shame, I'm learning to need you.

I'm rethinking my "decision" to do Honor Academy next year, and do Masters Comission in Great Lakes, Michegan instead. When I first talked to my pastor about the Honor Academy about 3 months ago, he actually recomended that I'd partake in Masters Commision instead. So I've really been praying alot about it, and I was really feeling the program, just not the Spokane Washington location, you know? Anyway, this weekend some guys from Michegan came, lead by Bo, someone who had graduated from Spokane mc a while ago. Apparently Bo is setting up a masters commission nect year in his own church, which is awesome, because I really think that I want to be a part of it. I met some really cool guys this weekend, and it really seems like an awesome program. All of the guys, especially John and George(?) are convinced that they'll be seeing me in September, and Bo and I will be keeping in touch and talking very soon about what I want to do. Awesomeness.

Quote of the day:
Josh: So you coming to MC?
Me: I dunno, I'd really like to. I've got to pray about it more.
George: Its okay we'll pray about it and let you know what God says.
John, George, Josh: *raise hands as if in prayer*
John: He says go. See you in September!

Ubair is out of his mind. He suggested a headline for my article on ephedra last period. It was entitled, "Ephedra- good or gonna get you deadra?"

I lover him.

So incredibly hungry. In need of dominos. Since Ubair's parents are on holiday in Arabia, he's got the credit card... which means that we're ordering dominos. W00t! Funny how much I hang out in the yearbook office considering I'm not on the yearbook staff, isn't it?

Quote of the day:
Me: "Aw Ubair, I'm going to miss you. Don't forget about me, okay?"
Ubair: "Jenise, How could I forget about you? You know, you're kind of like a disease. I mean, I don't mind the diabetes much, you're always around and I really don't mind that you're here."
Me: *smack*

He is so socially deficient that he could actually rationalize (after me hitting him) how his seeing me as a disease was meant as a compliment and how I shouldn't be so stupid to think that we won't be friends. He is off his rocker.

I feel like commenting on something which I have no business commenting on, and I feel like punching someone I have no business punching.

But despite my knowledge of how this is not my place, I will say one thing, and try to put it nicely. If you have been with someone for over a year and are not in love with them, or even have to think about whether or not you love them, when you know the insane amount of love they have for you, then you shouldn't break that person's heart twice. It isn't fair. You should not lead someone on, whether its for your own self gain or to spare the other person's feelings because it just makes it harder in the long run. And if you are the unrequited lover, you should not be stupid and be with someone who has crushed you and whom you know to not be in love with you. It will not make you feel better, only worse. I'm sure that both people involved in that type of relationship are absolutely awesome, and they deserve someone who will enjoy there awesomeness, not shun it. Okay. I'm done.

Hopefully, some time this week I'll be hanging out with Salmon, Sean, and Julio. Trying to convince them to come play in the snow with me, rather unsuccessfully but Julio the metal kid (Sorry, but Insane clown possey and Cradle of Filth are not real music) wants to hang out and play guitar and such so we traded off info today. Sean keeps making fun of me but thats because he's stupid and now that he's cut off the magical hair that defies the laws of physics, he's also chopped off his personality. Salmon is just out of his mind. Thats why he's so great.

Also this week I will hopefully see my prep friends (ie Matt, Brig, Laura, Ed, Zinc, Roma, and the like) for Katy and I have regents week and don't have to go to school, well I do, but only for one day. And I really miss Marielle. Alot.

Knowing I've hurt... lets call him "green pea"... is the worst feeling in world. I hate it. Even though I know he doesn't hate me, I still hate it.

I feel like such a slut for some of the things I've done. I've compromised my standards for some guy who really didn't care. And I feel like an idiot for thinking he did. I mean... before we were anything else, we were friends. Its like, dude, I thought we were friends. Pyro resists going to the land of "I told you so," while some other friends have no problem going there. I don't want to be one of those girls who dwells on it and blames herself, but sometimes I still feel really sucky. And I understand that that guys intentions probably weren't to hurt me or ruin any respect I once had for him, but I feel like I've been played. And that is downright not fun. Not to mention I really miss an awesome, introspective, and funny friend I once had.

Katy and I have way too much in common these days. As much as I love not being alone in all of this, I wish we weren't in the same boat.

I just want to get out and hang out with my friends, but thats impossible these days. I miss everyone.

On an end note, Jessica I ams o sorry. I don't know how I forgot your birthday. I called like 2 days before then and no one was home, but I still should have called. You're 18. 18! You know what this means!!?? Late nite walmart and IHOP runs in the roach!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I miss you so much. I want to be there with you. Don't go to Dutch-land... I'm more fun than Edwin!

I've also figured out why I like Ubair so much. He is Laura trapped inside a man. From the romanticised cynicism and downright insanity to the third eye blind fetish and talent for writing. I am a genius.

WAKATA, for old times sake.

Lets play in the snow.

In computer graphics right now... boored. I went to be sooo late last night. I think I finally fell asleep on Timo around 3am. Bleh. Can't wait to go home and sleep. Sleeeeep. Oscar and Andriy are sooo Annoying. They are sitting behind me being stupid boys. "Hey, I'm not annoying!!"- Andriy. In a Ukranian accent. "Go Home."- Andriy. "I am an idiot"- Oscar. He just hit me. Time to go.

Jordan, IE will eat your children!! And burn Firefox ALIVE!!

Happy birthday Marvin!! 21... wow...

Happy birthday Marielle!! 17... kind of wow...

Okay bells gonna ring. Bye.

God is awesome.

Just thought I'd let you know.

I have a ridiculous amount of work to do today. RIDICULOUS. And I have to head over to Mike's early before cell to practice my wonderful beautiful painfully nylon-ated guitar. We're doing "Your love makes me sing" and "Light the fire again" in cell. SO yes, looking forward tonight although it'll probably be another sleepless one.

This is the last full week of the semester. I have four days left to pick up my grades. I need to talk to my guidance counseler because for some reason my SAT scores never came in and because I'm not registered for health next semseter, which I need to graduate. I also have to take the Math B regents... again. And I haven't studied. Lets just pray it'll be a few days into regents week.

Anyway, I better get my butt to painting now. Adios.

Went to bed at 4am... slept about an hour... completely running off of caffiene (yeah, I know I spelled it wrong).

Jordan says he's South Dakotian, but really he's Canadian. Last night he said, "There's suuum shnooooow on the ground, eh." Ha! I win!! Mozilla is for big Canadian loser type people!!

Everyday since the second day of school, Ubair greets me by trying to trip me and saying, "Hey loser." Everytime I fall. I lover him.

I miss Tim. Him and his stupid LAN/video game party things. Thats what I get for being the best friend of a dorky boy with emo glasses. Ha. DeLounge hair.

Fingers throbbing. Was used to the electric guitar, but my E strings messed up and so I've been practicing on my acoustic. Nylon strings=PAIN.

For Ubair...

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe; he will never die
But how then will he know what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him
But here I go again,
Here I go... here I go...

This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
You love him, You love him
What Am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

I made it to cell group on wensday,and I'm really happy about it because it was a really good meeting. Giovanni is awesome. And... I'M GOING TO GHANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sooo stoked, you will not believe it. There are 3 programs offered through LEAP, one to Ghana, one to Indonesia, and one to Israel. Felito, Christopher, and I were nominated and I think I'm the only one who applied to the Ghana trip which is cool because they would have split us up anyway. The leaders going with us are Christine (Mike's wife), Nikki, and Juan. So sorry folks, I'll be away for a month this summer. Next week I will sending in my honor academy application next week. I'm sooo nervous. Anyway, bells going to ring. God bless!! <33

Yo yo, Its mad brick outside. Thats like saying, "wow. I feel really watermelon today."

And I quote...

Tuesday:
Me: Tim, take me to prom.
Tim: Okay. But there's no way I'm wearing a tuxedo.
Wensday:
Me: Tim, take me to prom.
Tim: Okay. What color tux?
Me: Powder blue.
Tim: No.

sooo sick. Heads going to explode. Need to get out of nazi work camp (aka school). Dying...

Must go to work, but if I do, I'm pretty sure I'll die. Must go home. Hooome.

Cell group tonite. Too sick to keep eyes open. In need of Nyquil.

Paper to write. Project due tommorrow. No escaping Adolf.

Achey fever stuffy nosed headache dizzy stuff. Nyquil calls out from the heavens.

Computer graphics is slowly killing the little life left in me.

I'm going to die today.

*Do you have a monkey on your butt? not presently
*If not, what other woodland creature? (I know what I wrote.) erm... kelp?
*What's your favorite sound..ever? either the way magazine subscription cards sound when you fold along the dotted line, or the way rain hitting metal sounds.

I hate consequences.

I love Ming. His youth announcements:
"Okay, so friday at 6:15 we're meeting to eat and talk and hang out before the youth service. so get here so you can eat pizza! If you get here at 7:00, you will get left overs. If you get here at 7:15, no food for you. You will be praying in hunger like Jesus."

I talked to Jordan last night for the first time in about a year... for 6 and a half hours. I think we broke a world record. I really really missed him a ton. His voice got deeper. I think that aside from tim, he is the most interesting person I have ever met. I love you Jordy, silly gato azul.

Also talked to Josiah, he's grown up alot from when I first met him 3 years ago.

Freaking about finals and regents and college. Bleh.

Tommorrow, Theresa and I shall launch operation get Sean to ask me to prom. Hopefully itll work, I mean we're friends and I could just ask him. But we all know I won't.

Homework to be done.

No, I don't hate you. Don't want to fight you. Know I'll always love you. But right now I just don't like you.

Monday I sprained my ankle when the lovely girl twice my size decided to clothesline me while playing basketball. I shouldn't be in school for the rest of the week, but I really can't afford to miss any days, what with the end of the semester coming up and all.

Giovanni taught the cell group last night, and I must say, I was impressed. He's normally so quiet, but he really knew what he was talking about and really drove the whole message home. I'm really proud of him.

Talk about prom has finally reached my circle of friends (erm, the English Honors kids- Mr.Guy, Mr.I-love-the-doors-guy, Thesesa, Solmon, and Michelle; and the journalism kids- Ubair [and christina of course], Rolando, and Rakira). On one hand, I really want to go with Matt to prep's prom, hang out with my old friends, have the whole "prom" experience with them. But on the other I think it would be fun to get together with Theresa and Michelle and do our hair and nails and just go in a big group together. We're all poor so prom itself is a big stretch for us, so we'd all squeeze into a limo and maybe hit the beach after or something. I don't know. My only problem would be in finding a "date", I don't really know that many people in the school or anything. Although there's this guy in my Government class... but we're not even friends or anything. He just seems cool and smart and stuff. But anyway, enough of that.

My ankle really hurts. Its just throbbing... I'm not even walking on it or anything. I almost want to cry. blah. Suck it up Jen!! The day is nearly half over!! 4 classes away from the freedom I yearn for... and then the long walk to the bus... meh...

This is the last time I'm going to mention this, I promise.
Sadly, its gotten to the point where I want nothing to do with you. I never thought the day would come when I'd pray that you'd just stay out of my life for good. I'm tired of hurting while you laugh it off. I'm tired of compromising my standards for some guy who says he loves me and doesn't mean it. I am not your toy, you cannot just pick me up and play with me whenever you get restless. I tried to be your friend, but you'd rather ignore the problem and pretend it'll go away. "I tried to move you, but you wouldn't budge. I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge."

So its a new year, can you believe how fast the last one just went by? In 7 months I will be 18, in 8 I will be moving out of my house. GAH.

I'm taking this new year as a much needed fresh start. I've let things get a little out of hand, and hopefully I'll get my act together. New Years was spent with family... until midnight when I ran downstairs to Loptard's house where we had a strobe party... only without the strobe, and the, uh, other people. Went to bed ridiculously late, and ate alot of food.

Absolute Truth= Teenagers are bottomless pits.

So now is an opportune time for new year's reslotutions:
1. Improve relationship with God. This requires spending alot of time with Him, after all, He's my everything.
1.5. Give God my whole heart, all of it. I want Him to have all of me. And I want my desires to be what He desires for me.
2. Save money for Internship/car, whatever my dad doesn't pay for. Oh and pay bills on time.
3. Be more giving. Maybe volunteer at a children's hospital.
4. Be less of a downer.
4.5. Be more forgiving.
5. Spend more time with my family.
6. Do homework on time.
7. And I quote Matt, "eat more bacon."
8. Spend more time with Katy and Dannie and all the people I don't see anymore.
9. Keep room clean.
10. Do not use sarcasm to instigate arguments with parents.

So that is alot of resloutions, but they're kind of little so hopefully it isn't too bad.

Perk of the year= Befriending Matt B., He is seriously awesome and joining the sons of thunder cell group and rekindling a friendship with Cia. Went to Texas.
Downfall of the year= ex-nae on the ellowship-fae, things getting sucky with other Matt, and all around drama. Went to Texas.

You all better leave me comments or else I'm going to feel really sad. I have a counter! I know you read this!!!

a) first, recommend to me:
1. a movie
2. a book
3. a musical artist, song, or album

(b) i want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less

(c) then i want you to go to your journal; copy and paste this, allowing your friends to ask you anything.