a brain that never stops ticking
sometimes an on-off switch would sure come in handy
a mind that’s constantly cutting up and dissecting
looking for answers committing murders along the way

is it the red wire or the blue wire
just pick one and cut
it just doesn’t matter anymore
or did it ever
cause I could never control when the bomb would explode
oh god I love you
I mean forever
I left my body behind to break the news
looks like it’s over
please remember all of the things I never got a chance to say
like you look smashing in your fourth grade picture
the one that we hung by the door
in our house that was so beautiful
there in our little home

if this medication upsets your stomach
take it with crackers bread or a small meal
we understand it won’t do shit towards the cure
but if you buy this I promise you’re gonna like
the way it makes you feel

is it the red wire or the blue wire
just pick one and cut
it just doesn’t matter anymore
or did it ever
cause I could never control when the bomb would explode
oh god I love you
I mean forever
I left my body behind to break the news
looks like it’s over
please remember all of the things I never got a chance to say
like you look smashing in your fourth grade picture
the one that we hung by the door
in our house that was so beautiful
there in our little home

-Rocky Votolato "Suicide medicine"

1 guess why I love this song so much...

roarrrr

So things could be worse. I could have no John...
Who cares about John? I could have no nose!!!! I can't stop thinking about it... It's really sick. My dad isn't mad... he didn't even yell... worsererer... he's "dissapointed"... I made him sad, I broke his heart, I destroyed his dreams for me. So not only did I screw myself over... I hurt the one person who loves me most. God, am I jerk.

But it seriously could be worse.. I'll still have Katy... plus all my friends (Larrie, Marielle, Ed, Eddie, John, Rich, Brig, Matt, etc etc.)

Bleh... at aunts house. Better to just not think. Mehhehehh

I'll probably update saying absolutely nothing later. Adios.

Soooo... I am officially transferring out of prep.

And it sucks... alot.

I mean, alot alot.

Dammit... sometimes I hate my life.

most people spend their lives wanting things they don't need. while the rest spend their lives needing things they don't want.
-Duckie

his eyes tell a story
just one of his stupid smiles can make it all go away
he loves indiana jones and has a sick obsession with macguyver
I can talk to him for hours at atime about nothing
and I think I may be drowning... falling... into what? I can't even begin to fathom.. but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't mind not being able to get up...


In other news... 4th of July---> PARTY!! Most likely taking place at the beach (hopefully Riis), all are welcome, email me or Marielle if you wanna come/have suggestions.

roar

So this week has been okay other than a few screwed up conditions...

Early this week I went to the city with Marielle, Brig, Matt, and Karen... mucho fun, check out Marielles xanga for pics. I nearly had a heart attack when Matt and Marielle started throwing a digital camera between carts in a ferris wheele 50 feet in teh air!. We went to central park and did some stuff. Just had a really great time.

Wensday (?) I went with the John, Juin, Ben, and Marielle to "play baseball", and by play baseball I men sit on my fat arse in the grass and tan. You could say I had a good time, I got to see John which was cool cause I dont know when I will next, and I got to make fun of him... tee hee.

2 days ago I went out with Stones, Anothony, Brig, Matt, and Katy. We sat around eating and playing Taboo and dancing and stuff. Then Matt and Katy had to go so me, Stones, Anthony, and Brig went to Holy Cow park where we further debated whether flip-flops were shoes or slippers and I braided stones' hair and Anothony and Brig argued (rather cutely I must say). Fun stuff. I love those guys.

Yesterday I kind of called John in desperation and now I think he thinks I'm crazy, which I am but not for the reasons your thinking. I felt bad because I kind of just wished Tim was around 'cause he'd know what to do and I told John all this stuff that I kind of wish he didn't know now and I dunno... then I talked to Marielle and deliberated what to do and agreed I should go home and then bmaybe talk to Danny and see if I could spend the night there. There was no need to though, luckily.

Today I went out with Kim, stopped by pizza hut where my money is apparently "no good" and hgot free food from danny... and he's got a car!!! Woot... no more walking everywhere!! Maybe I'll see if he picks me up tonite so we can hang out with some of his friends after the red zone show.

Must go now, mucho amor<33

How Would YOU Take Over the World?

Which Legendary Actress are you?

I'm dying to know do you do you like dreaming of things so impossible
or only the practical
or ever the wild or waiting through all your bad bad days
just to end them with someone you care about
and do you like making out
and long drives
and brown eyes
and guys that just
don't quite fit in

Went to the city with Matt, brig, Marielle, and Karen. So much fun, but not time to elaborate. Talked to el greco. Missing him like a fat boy misses chocolate cake.

Mucho amor<3

Maybe I should stop treating my life like its some sort of mission.

Here is the website of the day: http://enjoyeverysandwich.blogspot.com

So there's this woman who murdered her children in coldblood, and apparently she was receiving federal aid payments for mental illness. Isn't that peachy? Getting paid for being crazy? Where do I sign up? I can't promise you that I'll murder the children of America, but I'm pretty sure I can conjure some wonderfully convincing hallucinations while drooling uncontrollably and lolling to one side.

Show me the money.

And now, not only have I lost my point, but I've forgotten the story. Thank you short attention span. Thank you.

10 things you're scared of:
10) helplessness
9) being completely alone
8) sex
7) "banannas"
6) That creepy guy in the white car
5) bees
4) centipedes
3) losing tim
2) losing those I love
1) losing myself

9 of your favorite possesions:
9) guitar
8) sketch book
7) photo album
6) pastels
5) camera
4)journal
3) music
2) ebony pencils
1) books

8 of your favorite people:
8) bea, nat, and Loptard
7) Jessuh
6) Marielle
5) Brig and Katy
4) Timmy
3) matt
2) John
1) Pyro
7 of your favorite bands:
7) Greenday
6) The juliana theory
5) Yellowcard
4) weezer
3) Taking back sunday
2) Count the stars
1) something corporate

6 things you wear every day:
(monday-friday)
6) cute underwear
5) puka shell necklace that Richie gave me
4) True love waits ring
3) prep uniform/dickies or jeans and tees
2) chapstick
1) cross necklace richie brought me back from camp... i lovethat necklace

5 things you use everyday:
5) soap
4) deodorant
3) toothbrush
2) pen/pencil
1) notebook

4 of your least favorite words/phrase:
4) its getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes
3) Jenise-Marie, why don't we have a little chat in my office...
2) fo-sheazy
1) nincompoop

3 of your favorite movies:
3) Dead Poets society
2) What a girl wants
1) Forest Gump

2 things you wish you could change:
2) some people's ignorance
1) the fighting at home

1 thing you couldn't live without:
1) my sister

okay so here is our new and improved layout dun dun dun!!

so heres an update on whats been going on....

Wensday, after regents went to pizza with sebastian, john, rich, ben, juin, and Marielle, then me, John, and Ben went to Rich's and played video games and watched Dragon Ball in spanish.

Sometime before that me n brig went to the city and ran around central park and found the world of purple cellophan and went to time square and stalked a smoker guy and went into the virgin mega store and saw a yound mr. Kiafa and went home and slept.

The day before yesterday me, Brig, Matt, Katy, Oscar, and Heather went and had a picnic on a big rock in central park and then went to the world of purple cellophane and slid down a rad slide with cardboard under our butts and got mocked by a red haired sarcastic 10 year old boy who was just so cool and walked around and set off fire crackers and ran around in the rain and went into the Louis Vuitton store on 5th avenue and felt out of place and left.

And now im tired.

Adios <33

First best friend: my cousin Eri, Beatriz/Sasha/Natalie/Marielly/Yadita?Miriam- the crew

First car: none yet

First date: My first reeeaaal date... I went to see the two towers again with Steve. I was 15.

First breakup: I "broke up" with Josiah, my long distance ohio-er that I met at Blizzard, when I was 14

First screen name: Laindia512- it means little indian girl in spanish, my uncle started calling me that because of my long dark hair and tanned skin, I looked like pochahantas

First self purchased album: Me and Brig are in the same boat here- the backstreet boys, I still like that album...

First funeral: my mom when I was 9.

First pets: Elmo, actually Angie's puppy.

First tattoo: Not as of yet.

First credit card: ditto

First enemy: I don't think I've ever had any real enemies.

First musician you remember hearing in your house: Led Zepplin

LASTS :

Last cigarette: none, I do not wish to die of cancer/emphazima.

Last car ride: yesterday my dad took me halfway home in his truck from work

Last kiss: Yesterday before my wonderful and romantic boyfriend left me to go watch Mcguyver... MCGUYVER!

Last library book checked out: lol, the healing time of hickeys and the great gatsby, both of which i still have.

Last movie seen: in a theatre: Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban, at home: The princess diaries.

Last beverage drank: orange juice

Last food consumed: oreos

Last crush: before John, Mike

Last phone call: John, surprisingly

Last shoes worn: pink and white flip flops... theyre really cute ok?

Last cd played: blink 182: enema of the state

Last item bought: ice cream cake for my sister.

Last annoyance: Dad hitting my dog.

Last disappointment: finding out Katy's leaving this week... and I dont even know when shell be back in ny!

Last shirt worn: "I'm out of bed, what more do you want?"

Last website visited: http://recroommag.com

Last words you said: "argh."

Last song you sang: Superchick- "barlow girl", with Jess on the phone

What is in your cd player?: Greenday mix

What color socks are you wearing: none

What color of underthings are you wearing?: yellow panties with little monkeys in superhero capes that say "bang" and "pow" all over and a yellow and blue polka dot bra

Whats under your bed?: I like to call her Bessy.

What time did you wake up today?: only God knows.

FUTURE :

Where do you want to go?: right now- to the beach, in the distant future- I dunno... college?

What is your career going to be?: dunno yet, hopefully something having to do with film an/or freelance writing.

Where are you going to live?: Flaflooga.

How many kids do you want?: eighty seven kajillion

What kind of car: jeep

CURRENT :

Current mood: antsy

Current music: The whoo- behind blue eyes

Current taste: er?

Current hair: that thing i do with the hair and the bun but not really cause its all ponytaily too and its fallinga part now...

Current clothes: "I'm out of bed, what more do you want" green and orange tee and olive chords

Current longing: Dont want John to go to greece, dont want danielle and rich to go to australia, dont want matt to go to pittsburg, dont want katy to go to Haiti, dont want Laura to go to London... without me, in no particular order.

Current desktop picture: snapple

Current favorite artist: greenday

Current book: Knocked out by my nunga nungas

Current color of toenails: just clear polish

Current time wasting wish: if i tell you it wont come true

Current hate: dad

My name is: Jenise-Marie

I may seem: insane

But I'm really: just smarter and prettier and radder than you

Sometimes I feel: angry

In the morning I: throw the alarm clock against the wall

I like to sleep: naked. butt naked.... okay so maybe i dont, but i do like to sleep.

If I could be doing anything right now I would be: in central park in the world of paper cellophane going down a slide with a peice of cardboard under my butt.

Money is: scarce

One thing I wish I had is: a midget named bridget

One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: my aunt calls them "thunder thighs"

Love is: something I live for.

If I could see one person(s) right now it would be: part of me wants to say John, the other part says Jessica... i miss her soososososo much

Something I want but I don't really need is: another peircing

Something I need but I don't really want is: a job

I live for: anything acoustic

I am afraid of: being helpless

It makes me angry when: I cant find my socks in the morning.

ok grounded so ill make it quick. Weekend hungout with JLoptard and had not so bright idea to cover all furniture in grey electrical tape- parts that i actually had the willpower to complete look cool.

Quote of the week: (yesterday)
ring ring
Jon: Hello?
Me: Why don't you ever call me!? Youre the guy! I'm sick of being the man in the relationship!
Jon: Well... I thought youd find it empowering.

I miss him, leaves for greece in early July and wont be back to mid august

Today after regents went to Vans with Ben and Jon, played video games, watched tv, etc. fun stuff

Before thatw ent to pizza with the entire crew

agh dads yelling, asta

screwed things up with my "forever friend"... I can't believe he remembers that. I want to hug him and tell him I'll never hurt him again... I want to fix things, the only thing is, this time I screwed up. I really screwed up.

I need a new summer-ish skin... hmmmmmm...

Today I sat around my house watching old home movies. Made me kind of nostalgic... I can't remember those times firsthand. It's like watching someone else do these things. At one point I was dancing around in a pink tu-tu. I must have been 4 or 5. Angie was there, Mogli hair cut and all in a baseball cap trying to trip me. We looked exactly alike, except for our noses. Kim was a baby still and Alex was like 10 or a 11, way too cool to hang out with us. It was cool.

I've been hanging out on my roof alot lately. Spending alot of time writing and thinking of concepts for my are of concentration next year for art: the power of music. If any of you have suggestions, feel free to let me know. Anyway, I'm off to cover my window in purple cellophane.

Asta<33

Maybe when the room is empty, maybe when the bottles full,
maybe when the door gets broke down love can break in.
Maybe when I'm done with thinking, maybe you can think me whole,
maybe when I'm done with endings this can begin.
Maybe when your hair gets darker, maybe when your eyes get wide,
maybe when the walls are smaller there will be more space.
Maybe when I'm not so tired, maybe you could step inside,
maybe when I look for things that I can't replace.
I never though you'd last, I never dreamed you would.
You watch your life go past, you wonder if you should.
If you could be my punk rock princess
So I could be your garage band king
You could tell me why you just don't fit in
and how you're gonna be something
If I could be your first real heartache
I would do it over again
If you could be my punk rock princess
I would be your heroine.
You know you only burn my bridges
You know you just can’t let it sink in
You could be my heroine
You could be my heroine

OMG MAYBE GOIN TO LONDON!!!

perhaps not with pyro but shanes bro's friend.

Sorry John, but that accent.... *drool*

okay, so for a while now I've been considering joing the airforce. My dad really wants me to do it and it seems pretty cool. Thinking about becoming a flight engineer. I kind of wanted to be an aerial gunner, my dad says thats too dangerous and that its the easiest way to get killed in war and he's not letting his little girl do something so stupid. I was also thinking about and media production and documentation apprentice, but its a ground job and I wouldn't really be able to travel. If I did become a flight engineer, I could go to school in Washington... and I'd get to travel. Damn my stupid father... I wanna be an aerial gunnneeeerrr. My dad's the one who got me all slaphappy about the airforce to begin with, back in like 7th grade...

anyway... happy birthday to Loptard!!!!!!!! I lover you!!

TOday, as aformentioned, is Loptards birthday. The pool party turner fire hydren party was rad. It was Me, Peter, Loptard, JoJo, Kenny, Nikki, Nikki's sister, Dennis, Teresa, Rich P, Jen 2, Hobbit, Joe, and other random people and it was mucho fun. Ate lotsa pizza and hatchet-man cake goodness.

Avionics guidance and control systems apprentice also sounds pretty interesting...

Bleh, maybe I'll just join the ROTC and then decide, the AFA is super hard and rich and my uncle freddy (who was in the airforce for like 25 years)

anyway, must go, adios

Excuse me laundry machine, but what part of "rinse cycle" means leaving white stuff all over my freakin clothes?

Quote of the day:

Me: Aargh my hair keeps getting messed up.
John: Yeah, you're right.
Me: *deadly stare*
John: Well at least I'm honest... I mean... I love you?


Okay so today was the last day of school... kinda. I still need to come back for finals and regents and such... but I had my last math class... EVER... today, and that alone is worthy of weeklong celebration. It should be made into a national holiday. Strangely, it does not feel like the last day of school. I do not feel like the senior I am becoming... or that in as little as a montha nd a half I can get into rated R-movies. In fact, after school me, Matt, Brig, Marielle, Juin, Jill, Katy, Eddie, and Karen all went to Brother's pizza and then to the park to run around in the sprinklers... quite childish, but fun. In fact it has become quite a ritual. Afterwards, Brig and I got lost for 40 days and 40 nites but eventually got home.

I'm not nearly as nostalgic as I should be.

I feel bad because Josh has been all sad lately. I wish I could cheer him up. =(

At the same time I'm happy for the whore of constantinople (aka Katy) and eddie, as well as Marielle (flipita) and the Jew (aka Moses... aka Ben).

Suppossed to see Yanni thursday (I think), stupid Greek, he must tell me what we're doing (it's his turn to decide) and tell me so that I can think up an elaborate scheme to get out of the house.

I'm very tired, I think I'll turn in soon. Adios

Ten words that You feel Describe You:
1. weird
2. amusing
3. girly
4. creative
5. giving
6. eccentric
7. emo
8. satirical
9. cynical
10. sarcastic

Age - 16
Height - 5'5... almost
Eye Color - Browm
Hair Color - Dark dark brown
Hair Length - Bottom of Shoulder blades
Skin Color - tannish
Shoe Size - 8 1/2
Shoes on Feet - black and red convesres
Shoe Preference - none... except I am rather fond of the Jimmy choo Stiletos
What are you wearing? white calvin klien shirt, blue jeans, polka dot bra, sequined purple underwear
Would you rather be wearing something else? yes- pjs
(Other then filling out a quiz...) What are you doing now? talkin with mia and jonnie

Favorites
Color? purple/orange
Emotion? ... u kno, there's no real name for when ur feeling funny-happy. like when you've been laughing non stop w/ ur friends for an hour while trying to bus surf and play tweet baby as the q88 goes 90 mph. hmm... whatever that emotion would be called... it's my favorite.
Place to be? fire escape/roof
Person to be with? ermmm... I'd have to say Jessica... even the akward silences aren't so akward with your bestie around
Clothes? TBS pump up the jams shirt and dads old army fatigue pants
Place in the world? The magic water hole by Jessies or the old rickety wooden swingset upstate where Angie used to live. We used to sneak out at night and hangout with Aaron and wtach the stars and stay outr till the sun rose... it was way rad.
Place you want to go? New Zealand
Dream(s)? Being published in the NY times for my freelance writing... even if I do have to live in a box
Way to die? Quietly
Want to kill? No one
Word? brouhaha (lol brig n matt)
Job? free lance writer
Body Part? neck/collar bone

Are You...
Seeing someone? yes *5-24-04*
Seriously? lol er, i guess
Seeing something? the computer screen
Sight worthy? very. not the computer screen. the boyfriend. yeah
In school? no, thank god
Working? unfortunately no. i live in a box.
Doing what you want? no
Getting what you want? kinda
Living on your own? nope
Living with friend? not till next year when me n jess move together... somehow that seems like a plan that could go terribly wrong. We need lots of alone time, we're too alike, we'd kill eachother.
Living with parents? yup

Friends and Love
Gotta best friend(s)? yep
Funniest? Katy or Jillian or Danny
Moodiest? me, marielle, Katy, or briggitte
Egotistical? John... yes yes, the boyfriend.
Calmest? Eddie (Zinc)
Relatable? Marielle or Dannie
Got a crush on one of em? er i guess
What’s there name!! John
Do they (your friends) read these posts? sometimes
How many of them have DJ’s? excuse me? how many of them HAVE dj's? alotta them have xangas and djs and blogs and such
Whose gonna complete this quiz first? who knows? who cares?

Have You Ever...
Climbed a tree? yes
Hugged a tree? no
Made sweet loving to said tree and then didn’t call in the morning? maybe...
Kissed a person of the opposite sex? Yes
Kissed a person of the same sex? Yes
Been in love? yes
Been thrown out of love? no, but I've been thrown out of trees...
Thought you were in love, got thrown out and then begged to come back? um no.
Felt as though your life was a country song waiting to happen? lol... nope, not brig
Sang in Public? yes (dont speak!!)
Spoke in Public? Yes
Been lewd in Public? erm, next question
Been in the republic? nope

Yes/No (The Dirty Bits)
Relieved yourself in public? yeah... i was going camping once when i was like 13 with abunch of friends and the car broke down and the guy in the gas station wouldnt let us use the bathroom so we all took turns peeing and formed what we call teh Nile... no one really saw though, it was like 1 am.
Been drunk? yeahhh
Been high? not on purpose
Been both at the same time? lol no
Been kissed? yes
Been fingered? uh no
Received oral sex? no
Given oral sex? no
Had sex (intercourse)? no
Had anal sex? NO
Had sex with someone while involved with someone else? no
Made out with someone you didn’t know? no
Gave oral sex to someone you didn’t know? no
Received oral sex from someone you didn’t know? NOOOO
Forget your lover’s name at inopportune times? lol no, but itd be funny if I did.
Been propositioned for such things (any of the above)? er..

Now Seriously!
Black or White - purple
Sun or Moon - moon
Sand or Water - water
Strawberries or Cherries - cherries
Love or Hate - love, though I think there needs to be a balance
Clean or Dirty - clean
Happy or Sad - cynical
Oranges or Apples - apples
Computer or Pad&Pen - sketchbook/little black journal
Knife or Sword - sword
Air or Sea - sea
HazelBlue or HazelBrown - hazel brown
Silver or Gold - silver

Last Questions
What time is it now? 9:50pm
Wasn’t that quick? uh no. i hate you.
Are you glad it’s over? yes
That wasn’t so bad was it? yes

__end__

Rich---- awesomest boy. heres the link to his xanga which i find rather amusing.

Had a panic attack today... like 30 minutes ago. I feel so sick now, but i have this rad med that isnt really an anti depressant cause i dont take it everyday, but I take it when I have the attack and it makes it go away. Good stuff... kinda.

Failed another class... wanted to die a lil bit. Called my dad cause I was freaking out and he wasnt even mad. He brought orange juice to school for me (it ups the blood pressure) and told me he knows I did my best (I did) and that that's all anyone could expect. He agrees with Amy for me to go on anti depressants though because the panics areinterfereing in my life. The disorder makes it hard for me to do normal things like concentrate and sleep and walk straight so I dunno... maybe I'll think about it. Lunch now, must go.

more later

If you come, we'll never be safe. Men will hunt us. The gods will curse us... but I'll love you. Until the day they burn my body, I will love you.

Okay so it turns out that I do not have mono. As soon as I found out I felt instantly better.

sad, isn't it?