The misfits, the freaks the enemy you and me. Those are the ones for me.

My air conditioner is broken. I have been reduced to walking around my room in my underwear, and I don't mind at all. I'm strangely comfortable with my body and enjoy being in my snoopy underwear that say "Cowabunga" on the butt. They're orange. And my tank top is orange too... so it matches. You can never have enough underwear... anyway, wrapping Cias present... tee hee fun!! I found the cutest dress, but I'm saving up for paintball and warped tour so I couldn't buy it. It was strapless and kind of slinky, but 50"s style (I have a thing for that vintage look). It had a whit ribbon round the mid top and a white flower... it was way cool, and you could see just a tiny bit of white tulle and it was only $14!!! But I'm stingy and I still gotsta but gifts for stev and ed still so I didn't buy it... :-( anyway, someones knocking so I better put some pants on, l8rz people <33

On the other hand. You have different fingers.

You know what I had today that I haven't had in an extremely long time? Grape gatorade. Yes, folks... the saga continues. I cannot be sure if I like it or if I do not like it. On one hand, it's a metallic blue color, that is a good thing. On the other hand, it kind of tastes like cough syrup, that however... is not so good. Then again, it's grape, which is the best fruit there is... But then again, there are plenty of bad people like Hitler who like grapes... that's kinda bad.

... But it just has such a unique, flavorful tatse. I can't get nearly enough of it. But do I really like it or do I just think I like it? Most of the time, I enjoy praising or talking crap about things, but I seriously cannot decide. Do I just enjoy the fact that I can ramble on about liking or disliking something or am I actually confused? Am I just a bitter, undecisive person? Is everything I've ever liked just part of my arrogant, judging behavior? Do I really like anything at all?

... The only way to finish this ongoing series to pour myself another glass and try and make up my mind.

Until next time, ignorance is bliss kids.

Let the music play, worries for another day. Dance the night way!! Down in Fraggle rawk!

Okie so yesterday was my sweet 16... an dit was the most awesome day of my life. I mean there was some drama, but it was still the best day ever. Bridgette, Eddie, Sara, and Jessica all met at my house purty early and we left round 11:30, then we went off to get Roma darling, and then to Steves where Eric was cool and we picked up Steve, Laura, Kayla, and Ed. So the ride was like 4 trillion hours long cause my dad didnt kow how to get there cause conneticut sucks. When we got there we waited a while for my family and stuff to get there- total family: Aunt Ivonne, Chris, Eri, Daniel, Rizwan, Auint Lilly, Nancy, Georgia, Dennis, Maria, George, Linda, and later uncle Junior, Aunt Suzy, and Dean. Laura was my escort and walked me down to "Jen doesn't like me anymore" by Less than Jake, courtesy of Ritchie. Then we did the shoe ceremony and I danced with my Dad to "Butterfly kisses" and then we went and had shirley temples and just hung around. We ate food and me, Kayla, Larry, Bridget, and Roma played Twister. fun game. Then we had the doll ceremony (shes soo pretty!!) and we did the candle lighting thing... Um who wasnt there to get their candles who reads this? Lets see...

4. Here’s to the fellowship, the most important girls and guys in my life- Robbie, Laura, Steven, Roma, Ed, Ritchie, Kayla Rose, Cia, Smith, and Tracey. I wish I could give you all a candle, but I don’t have enough so I’ll just say something about all of you (all besides Rob and Laura). Steven has made the hugest impact on my life, and we’ve gone through a lot together, he’s never given up on me yet and he’s really, really special to me. Roma is the cutest, most exotic, carpe diem girl ever. Her insights are much more mature than any other 15 year old and she is my summer star. Ed and Ritchie are some of the most fun people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and we always have fun wrestling and tackling. I met Kayla in my dance class and she has this light about her, you just know she’s going to be something big. She is the sweetest girl I have ever met and perhaps the friendliest and most full of life too. Smith and Tracey are so dear in my heart, they make life so much more interesting and they see things so differently and I love them for that. Cia is my little punk rock princess and I love her to pieces. She’s so orginal and cute and I just lover her so much. These people are closer than family at times, and they’re more than just my friends. I lover you all. So here’s to food fights in secret paintball fields, plans involving supersoakers, Siamese fighting fish, catch the ball, boys with video cameras, lockers on east bottom, three girls in a phone booth, and a magic forest.

8. This candle goes to Robbie, who couldn’t be here today, but is perhaps the most important boy in my life. This kid has always been there for me… ALWAYS. When I was in the hospital, he called me every night when visiting hours were over and acted like an idiot so I could feel better. He is the master of all video games and is the coolest film maker I know. He has talent up the wazoo and I am so proud to know him. He’s closer than a brother and even though we’ve had our petty arguments, when it comes to the important things he’s always there. Because we all know love is all about planes mistaken for stars.

10. Okay this 10th candle is for some really important people who couldn’t make it today. To Timmy, for all he’s ever done and because he knows me better than I know myself, To Corey because he’s insane and so very lovable, and to Matt because he has an orange tux and because he thinks cheese is the voice of a new generation. I love these boys dearly and even though they’re not here in body, I know they’re here in spirit.

Alright so I've paid my dues. Back to the story. I like bawled when I gave Laura her candle and when I gave Steve his 17th one. Erm then we all went in search of a place to see the sunset but we didnt really find one anyway. There was some weird things like Ed fit 16 or so double bubbles in his mouth, and Steve stuck a hell of a lot of jawbreakers in his mouth as well as like 16 tootsie rolls which was kind of gross. I wish I could have been a better friend to Sara and Jessica... but it's hard cause they didnt know any of my other friends... I tried, but apparently not hard enough. I feel like a sucky friend. Anyway we all hung out and I ate the best rice and chicken ever and we have cake. Very good cake.... with really weird candles. And then all the girls tackled Ed... and we all know he enjoyed it somewhat... and then we just hung out outside sort of like we do in school. We took all the candles for my ceremony and lit them and roasted marshmellows on them, had some more sherly temples, took some pics of me and Laura feeding eachother cherries to send to Smith (yeah we did the whole sexy cherry thing), and used the sticks to make a bigger fire that we couldnt really burn out for sometime. Then we took a candle and sat in the middle of the lawn, took some pretty piccies, and I slow danced with Laura and I wanted to do it with everyone else too, but of course I went and asked Steve to dance with me... because even though I say I'm over it, I'm really not. So we danced to two songs and it was really nice and he kept making me laugh because he's an idiot lol... oh and I danced to a mark anthony song with ED!! Anyway back to the story, and so there was drama I guess and in the car I sort of held his hand and Laura bit me really freaking hard but I got the point but of course I didnt listen and at one point I was just like "I can't do this" and he was like "well then why are you still holding my hand? You need to pick one" and I didn't say anything and hegently placed my hand on the seat and was like "don't do this to yourself, you're just making it harder" and I was... and so I layed in Ed's arms for the rest of the ride and cried really quietly. And I guess now I really get that it's over... Like this made it more real. And I can't think of anyone I would have rather slow danced with or held hands with or be around than him so he made it the nite of my life. Sure I cried... but I always cry, so it was all okay I guess. And now I know that I'll be okay and he doesn't hate me or anything which is good and I don't know. It was just nice I guess. And sure I feel a little poo-ish, but I know everything will be alright eventually. And theres nothing wrong with the fact that I love him, that it's a good thing... and I dunno. I don't feel like pouring out my heart right now, I did enough of it this weekend.

Today was Damaris' last sunday and we danced to "I can only Imagine" by Mercy me and it came out really beautiful. We also did Grande eres tu, which came out really nice too. Amira's all weird and I think she's quitting the dance team, and I dunno. This has been the longest entry I've ever written.... I just wanted to remember this day in detail... so yeah... sorry for the boring post everyone. see ya later <33

Kaboom

Jen: *tackle*
Stev: *spewing blood*
Jen: *pats on head*
Stev: *head caves in*
Stev: *brain covered hand*
Jen: *sits on you*
Stev: *eeew*
Jen: *rolls off*
Stev: *displays mortal wounds*
Stev: *dies*
Jen: *magically brings back to life*
Stev: *realizes theres no such thing as magic and falls off a cliff dead before he hits the ground*
Jen: *saves you*
Stev: (im dead, you cant save me)
Jen: *can too*
Stev: (can not)
Jen: (can too)
Stev: (no you cant!)
Jen: (yes i can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Stev: (you know you cant win, nor can you SAVE ME!!!!!!)
Jen: *tackle*

ADVENTURES!!!

Okay well we all said we'd have adventures this summer, but... we haven't. So I have decided to plan them. We've already got the dinner party (which I'm helping cook for... yay!!!) and the guys have some thing goin on, but we need MORE man. I wanna go to the beach but Rob refuses to go out... it's okay... we'll just kill him. I know where he lives. Anyway... I think we need a sleep over (us girls)... but I guess the dinner party takes care of taht too. Hmm... what about a costume party... I always wanted to go to one... and whatever happenes to the super soaker fight? SWe should make it more of a war. And rob we need your camera and your creative pessimistic genius to go to manhattan and screw with people... PEOPLE!! THE SUMMER IS ALMOST OVEEER!! We should all come to my house. we can have a picnic on the roof and watch the planes fly over (I live right by JFK)... and I can COOK!! I loooove cooking. And I make some mean aroze con pojo... And we could go to coney island... and ride the CYCLONE!!.... ooooh and we can play in a kiddie pool on my roof!! does anyone have a kiddie pool? Okay I'm getting all hyped here... And I'm going to kidnap you... yes you. So if I ever show up on your doorstep with a black bag an chokeslam you onto your front porch before locking you in a trunk, don't be afraid.. I'm just whisking you off on a romantic adventure. And if anyone wants to be my accomplise, please email me. I'm looking for a side kick. nysk8rchick@hotmail.com please. Okay and now I'm REALLY hyper... and when I'm hyper I make lists.

10 reasons I am the coolest person you'll ever meet
1. Because I can beat up your dad, thats why.
2. Because I'm funny and cool and smart and I make witty remarks during conversation.
3. Because I can dance like M.C. Hammer.
4. Because I can do a damn good impersenation of Aerosmith (Walk this waaaaaaaaaaaayy!!!!)
5. Because I can name every constellation under the night sky.
6. Because I painted flowers on my fire escape.
7. Because I dance in the rain.
8. Because I'm taking over the world.
9. Because I will only go to prom withs omeone who owns an orange tux.
10. Because I can provide the 18 wheeler for the OUR bachelorette party... (Laura, Roma... You KNOW what I'm talking about...)

And I bet there are a ton of other reasons, but I'm too cool to waste all my time talking to you, ya loser. Bye now.

On this perfect day, nothings standing in my way...

Anyway got home from dance and watched legally blonde. Oh the way to return the movies, I passed by the same guy I met last summer who had the long hair and he waved. Anyway I tried on my entire outyfit and I feel like such a princess. The steve maddens I got are soooo cool... they have a really high heel though so I look abnormally tall... like as tall as my dad tall.

Anyhoo for dance we're doing this song called I can only imagine, by mercy me. It is such a powerful song that its hard to really dance to, but we managed it. Jessuh might be sleeping over friday which is cool. Tomorrows mission: Taking marc to the village, the washing of clothes, and finding out what the hell im gonna do with my hair... oh and shaving my legs.

Wellz. will and grace is on and im talking to the great timo so I'll catch up later. Much love to the masses <33

Jenni-Marie

Okay so my dad is officially the world's biggest prick.

.... Yeah so I didn't REALLY mean that. But I am pretty peeved at the moment. Me and Dad went to roosevelt feild mall today in search of shoes and accessories. And okay, I know we're not doing very well on the whole money thing. And my dad's all don't worry about it, lets just get what you want. So I did... I mean I didn't get extravegant or anything and I DID choose the cheapest stuff I can find. But apparently thats not good enough for my dad. So of course when we leave and we have all my stuff my dad starts complaining about how I'm selfish and stuff and how now we don't even have money to make it through the week and he gets me guilt tripping. And so yeah, I feel really bad, but I mean it is my sweet 16... it's not like I'm asking for a ton of money or anything either. We got some steve maddens ($54) and they were his choice... I was content with a pair that only cost $20. Then we got my Tiara ($10.50), gloves ($6.50), a necklace, earings, and some other stuff like nail polish from claires... so it's not like I spent a ton of money. But still he's determined to b*tch and moan about how we have no money like its my fault. And I mean I try to act okay with it but it's not like we make a ton of money. My dads a single parent and he works as much as he can and he still only makes like $650 every two weeks... and it isnt fair. He works like you cant believe and theres never any over time thanks to our stupid mayor and he has a very hard job. Then he pays kim's school, and now my school because my scholarship ran out, and medical bills for me, him, and my grandpa and that comes out to alot of money, and then theres rent, the phone and con ed bills, gas, insurance, and all this other stuff. We don't even have money to eat out or anything. I thought it was tough before... now he's paying over $5000 for my stupid school. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to take some of a friend's french fries or soda during lunch and pretend your kidding around and then have someone point it out and call you a mooche and have to laugh it off? Well it isnt fun. I had to stop dance because of it, I can never hang out or go to the movies, I cant even go anywhere unless I can walk there because I don't have the 2 freaking dollars to get on the bus. I cant find a job so I can't even help out. And then my dad comes out and takes out his anger on me. It is so not my fault that we don't have money. I don't even ask for it because I know we don't have it. I use my christmas and birthday money to wash clothes and buy other people gifts and it shouldnt be like that. And I don't really want everyone to know all of this because it's embarrassing as hell but I need to get it off my chest and I have no where else to run to. Anyway I have to run, Miriam should be here in a few minutes. Laterz <33

Best friends, they don't pull the trigger

Anyway, listening to some TBS... just feel like getting my thoughts out on paper... well here it goes..

My family is filled with a bunch of stupid prats. My aunt isn't coming to my sweet 16 because my dad didnt go to her daughters graduation, and when confronted she made up some lie. But she actually said "sometimes sh*t happens, life isnt always what you expect it to be. I mean look, you guys didnt even come to kristy's graduation like we planned, that hurt us but we move don. Now its your turn" and when my dad called her she went on about how childish it was of me to get hurt by it...l but in case she hasnt noticed... I AM a child. And it doesnt even bother her that my only family on my dads side living close enough to come isnt coming, i expected it.... but not for some BS excuse like that.

Also... I have decided that I hate love. And if I could have it my way, I would never fall in love again. Ever... Not in a million years... I swear.

... Okay yeah so we know that isn't true, but it's how I feel right now. Love has done nothing but screw me over. Sure it was good while it lasted... it was great in fact... but once it's over you feel like you're in a million pieces and your heart is shattered and you don't know what to do... you try and give it to God to fix and he does but then you give it away again and some someone treats it nicely, giving it little kisses and petting it slightly, but then he starts playing with it. Throwing it in the air, playing touch football with it... after they said they would be careful and not break it. And sure it doesnt break right away, you figure that he'll be cautious and stuff and right when you start trusting them they throw it in the air and "forget" to catch it. And it shatters into a million pieces and your there crying because you're heart was just broken and they turn to you and say "oh.. my bad... sorry man." and as soon as you gain enough composure to stop crying they turn and stomp on it laughing maniacly And then you just sit there not knowing what to do, wondering where the hell you're gonna find enough super glue to pick the pieces up and put it back together.

And well, you know me, Jen the freak just can't resist giving her heart away to every guy that passes by. So yeah first it was Jordan... and that was... well weird. My heart didn't quite break or anything... I kind of knew it was over before it even started because of her and all. So then there was Tim... and taht ended up okay I guess, we're best friends now. But that period between "like alot" and "best buddies" was hell. Then there was Matt... and when I fell I fell hard. And I'm talking about the flat on my face, broken ribs, kind of fall. And then I stupidly ended whatever there was between us. I mean i guess it happened for a good reason because about 6 months later I meet Steve and fall flat on my face again (the whole everytime I give my heart away someone throws it across the room analogy inserted here) and for almost 7 months with one small break in the middle I was in bliss. And then it was over.. just like that. And sure I'm always the one to blame because I'm always the jer who ends everything, but still that was hell too. I mean I don't think I've ever been that much of a mess. I mean I'm still kind of weird about it... I mean I'm still in the process of removing the masking tape and replacing it with super glue. And then Matt steps back into my life, and I'm all "whoa".... and I can't help it... I think I'm falling... AGAIN. But i don't wanna fall. I want to wallow in self pity and misery. And this is perhaps the most confusing time of my life. Cause its not like anythings gonna happen, but its confusing. My heart is still broken and I'm still wondering how the hell I'm gonna fix it and then this guy comes in and melts it and I don't want it to melt because the whole melted heart/masking tape mess is really hard to clean up. And I know that when i started dating steve I was rebounding off of Matt but it turned out so great, I mean maybe it started up screwey because I'm a j3rk, but I mean... it was so great, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. And I don't know what's going on my mind is in jumbles. I feel this way without wanting to, I'm not asking for it... trouble just always seems to find me. And sure, maybe I'm being a bit insensitive for posting this for all to see, but this is after all my freaking blog and you shouldn't read it if you don't really wanna know what I think. And I swear to God, If I hear one more person tell me how me and steve were "perfect" for eachother or ask me 20 billion questions about why we broke up after I make it perfectly clear I don't wanna discuss it I'm going to explode... we all know I am capable of this. And I guess I feel bad about sort of having feelings for someone else so quickly, but I cant help it. And about hating love... well its true. I hate it hate it hate it. It's scares me so much... to give so much of yourself to someone and then have everything dissolve before your eyes... its just scary.

Personally I don't know why any guy in their right mind would like me. Im sarcastioc and mean and weird, I'm not the the most beautiful or the smartest, I don't have the brightest smile, I have an akwardly morbid sense of humor, I can beat up my dad... I mean... I'm just me. I can be a total wench sometimes. I'm the girl your best friends with, not the girl you fall in love with. And as it turns out... all I ever do is hurt the people I love most. I wish I could fall in love the way it is in the movies... unfortunately that isn't real. I believe in true love and soul mates and love at first sight... all that stuff. But it hasnt exactly gotten me anywhere. I mean I'm a dreamer... I sit around all day and think and write about how great love and life could be... the power of it all... the beauty of the world, how you cant have the good without the bad... the peace without the war. But I don't go out and do. I don't go out and experience life. Sure, I may be smart... I may know alot. But knowing and doing are two completely different things...

... I don't know. Maybe I'm not making any sense... but hey you're the one who wanted to see inside my mind. These are my thoughts as of the moment. I'm so sick of my blog just being the tale of my day's events... It used to be a creative outlet and thats what I'm determined to keep it as. And if you don't like what I've got to say... well... no ones making you read it.

Good nite everyone <33

Okay so this weekend was extremely eventful... lets start from the begining...

Friday
Slept over Erica's house. We went outside late at nite and danced in the rain... it was soo great. Then we came in and watched TV and played scrabbel. It was Daniel's birthday so he had his friend Rizwan over and he started showing off and being a jerk, but hey what can you expect from 13 year olds? Around 3 am Daniel punched Erica in the ankle, Aunt Ivonne came in and turned into satan because we woke her up, Cody sat on my stomache, Daniels friend threw something at my face, and me and Erica plotted to get revenge. Oh, I also talked with Steve for a long time... he's still wearing the bracelet. Roberto was a jerk to Erica so we bashed men for a while.

Saturday
saw th doll for my sweet 16 and some cool decorations, saw aunt Lilly for a while, and headed up to Conneticut. The SUV was PACKED. In the front seat was Chris and Aunt Ivonne and Willy, then in the back seat was Daniel and Rizwan and most of the luggage and Cody and Lucy, then me and Erica and the Doritos were in the trunk. Got there and celebrated Daniel and Eri's birthday, had really good cake, saw Georgia's tiny stomache, and played 2 intense games of street ball with Daniel, Erica, Rizwan, Dennis (Georgia's husband), Joe, Dave and Chris. I remember falling alot and tackling Daniel and I have a huge bruise on my back and am still sore... but I had the time of my life. I haven't had so much fun playing basket ball since Drew and Derek were here last summer. Then we watched sweet home alabama, From Dusk to Dawn (this really crappola vampire movie with George Cloony and witty remarks), and the begining of xXx. Then me and Erica headed up to the rose room and broke night talking... we went to bed at 6am and woke up and 10 am.

Sunday
Went go cart racing, saw some of American pie, washed Chris' cars and played with the hose with erica, headed home with a bunch of stuff because Aunt Ivonne went and bought a bunch of home goods stuff. Came home and had the most intense conversation with Matt... I learned ALOT about him in that little time, Realized that Tims still mad at me for "ignoring" my feelings for him, realized Tim still HAD feelings for me, an ambulance came and picked up my grandpa... I have never been so scared in my life. Matt was trying to comfort me but I was really freaking. Turns out he doesnt have a heart problem, he had food poisoning and stones. He's going into surgery tommorrow to remove the stones and he'll be home in a few days. Stayed up worrying till my dad came home from the hospital around 4am.

Anyway that was my weekend... my dads all grumpy and telling me to get offline hopefully ill go out with erica tommorrow to go shopping. Much love <33

*EXPLODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Jen: *tackle*
Josh: *ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
Josh: *falls to ground*
Josh: *and cries like a little emo girl*

Jen: *explodes*
Sam: why are you exploding?
Jen: *cant talk... is exploded*
Sam: um
Sam: can you unexplode?

Jen: *tackle*
Laura: hello

Jen: *explodes*
Joshykins: *cleans up the mess*
Jen: *explodes again*
Joshykins: *cleans up the mess again*

Jen: *explodes*
Kelvin: HUH??

Jen: *explodes*
Cia: should i get an ambulance

Jen: *explodes*
Ravi: what happened?

Jen: *explodes*
Stefferz: lolz dont explode we like you in one piece

sure, maybe now I don't fit in, but someday, I'm going to be something great. You'll see.

had a long post written about my feelings about mr.coward-commenter who wrote "deal, its your own fault" or something to that extent plus stuff that went on recently. I'll try and duplicate it tommorrow... too tired now. asta <33

I wanted to tell you i miss it, i just wanna let you know how the last year has helped me grow...

Josh is so in love with sarah, Jessuh has zuca, Lop tard has red zone boy, rob has his computer, ritchie has his little frosh girl, pyro has the small rabid elf, matt has every girl in the state of Texas, Roma has life, Miriam has squirrel face, eri has pizza hut boy, everyone has someone but me. And I'm jelous. and grumpy. and lonely. and angsty. and I have to wash clothes now... so bye.

Sleeping over Eri's again. Found the perfect dress. Saturday's mission: Shoes. I'm kind of feeling under the weather and I talked with Erica and cried with Erica and stuff for a while... Matt's apparently too upset in his own life to talk to me which is stupid, but hey, sometimes you just have to put yourself first. Talked in the car on the way home with Aunt Ivonne... Kim is getting really obever weight and it's worrying me. SHe's also like developing some sort of complex, God forbid you see her in a bathing suit. I'm her own sister and she gets mad if I see her with just a bra on. She hides under her hat and pushes her really long bangs into her face. I dunno... it's complicated. Apparently I'm a "caretaker"... now I know where I get my mom-ness from. I remember ever since I was little, I was always the One who took care of everyone else. My mom was sick and even though she wanted to take care of everyone and be the "mom", she was always too sick to. I always took care of my sister and my dad... I was always the strong one, I had to be for everyone else. If I wasn't strong for them, everything would fall apart. Aunt Ivonne told me I shouldn't be so worried about everyone... that I get anxiety attacks because I'm always trying to take care of everything and I can't cause I'm just a kid... but how she's proud of me because I'm so caring and because I "flow against the wave", because I'm no ones follower. I felt so special. And I was trying on the dress at this time, so I felt like a princess too. I talked with Eri about Roberto and Steven and Matt and we got all our stuff out... I kind of cried even though I didn't want to. I don't know why I'm so emotional lately. It's not like me to be like that. Anyway I'm tired so I'm heading to bed. More 2morrow <33

So I went to redzone with Loptard and Amanda today... a few good bands, most of em sucked though. Got a Taint pin and a free Montey love cd, saw Mark and some other prep kids wich was cool. Taint was probably the best band out there today. I had fun but half the time I felt like I was babysitting since I'm so much older than Loptard. Talked about Duz, he's in Seattle right now, but will be back soon. Turns out the same Cory I met on the bus with Rob who drank my yoo-hoo who was very pretty indeed (Cory with a K) is the same Cory Amanda knows. Too bad he didn't show up today. blah blah blah... I watched like 4 episodes of Dawson's creek this morning, ate fruit loops, talked with Aunt Ivonne about the party. She went all out with everything, I'm gonna see her tommorrow. Had to look through old photo albums for baby pictures and pictures of my friends and stuff for her... i have one with me and my mom. There's stuff with an elf and a friend and another friend who was left clueless going on. Marcus is being a pain in the butt... he broke my element board... my FAVORITE board... the one that cost me 112 bucks... I wanted to kill him. Noel called and sent his love to me. I still feel kind of "meh" though. I'm still not done with step one of laura's cure. Miss Tim, Jord's on a mission trip in new orleans, Matt isn't on, no one to really talk to. I feel poo-ey. My back hurts from pilates and jumping so much at redzone... aka the hole in the wall. Know who I miss? Ed. I miss Ed... I miss kicking him in the shin, I miss bothering him, I miss borrowing money from him, and I miss his stupid little comments. So far the people who cant come to my party are Alex, Scott (still over seas), Carlos, Jess, laura B., Ritchie, and Rob. My blood pressures been really low latelys o I'm getting worried. My chest keeps hurting and my fingers go numb and I get really cold... I hate this feeling. I thought it was gone and it's not. I just pray it goes away again... I don't want to be sick anymore. I'm having a block of creativity. My writing isn't what it used to be and no one really finds me entertaining anymore. Oh well... it happens to the best of us. Anyway I'm gonna catch friends in 10 minutes so adios. <33

Physco Analysis Jen
why is it that Joey and Dawson get to be happy and i get to be miserable? I miss the hugging an dthe kissing and the holding and the everything. I didn't feel like this the last time we broke up.... maybe it's cause this time, I know deep down that it's over. And I keep pretending that I'm over it and I'm not. And I'm so stupidly prideful that I can't let anyone see me cry or even help me. But I am over it... kind of... not... well I think it's more that I miss things than I miss it, ya know? Like I miss the feeling and stuff... oh you know that feeling... the kind that makes you feel like you're about to die and that would be quite alright if you could just stay in that moment for a little while longer. Maybe it's that I've had a boyfriend for so long, I'm not sure I remember what it's like to be just Jen... not Jen-and-steve... and this happened a while ago too. I mean... should I still be in the same place I was when we first broke up? But I'm not... no no no I'm moving on... slowly... very slowly... but I AM moving. And I just saw LOTR again and it just brought back stupid stupid memories that aren't really all that stupid but are the kind you wish you didn't have to remember because it makes everything so much harder but the kind that you wanna remember in the future so you can tell your kids and blah. Am i making sense? No, I'm not. Because I'm writing out every thought that comes to my mind and we all know my mind works in very strange ways partially because it's covered in purple cellophane and partially because I'm insane. I've been delving into my art lately, but to no avail. Anyway I found the perfect shoes for my dress, they're heel-less and doll house-like and they're pink and they have cherries all over em and they're Mary-Janes... aka they're perfect. Unfortunately I dunno how I'm gonna get em because they were in Alloy magazine and I don't know how I'll ever order them on time, considering my sweet 16 is in two weeks exactly and I haven't even completed my court yet. Erica will be home tommorrow from Bolivia so I guess we could work on it then and since Daniel is my escort it works out great. And because I have run out of friends who are coming to my sweet 16 because rich isnt coming and rob isnt coming, my escort is a 12 year old video game-addicted boy. And I don't even know. The people I thought I was closest to turn out to be the very same people who don't give a rat's ass. It doesn't matter though because I can honestly say I don't care. I wish i had a pet lobster... someone to keep me company. I had strange dreams last night involving Matt and Ashton Kutcher... no doubt these dreams were very good, yet somewhat strange. Reading cath-22... still an't believe one of my favorite harry potter characters is dead... I cried... and Cho is such a freaking idiot... that's all I have to say. Anyway I better go watch T.V. and to all those reading this who are coming to my sweet 16, If I have to dress up.. YOU have to dress up. Bye bye. <33

Okay so there hqasnt been anything worth writing lately. I feel like that Dashboard confessional song - And as for me I'll listen to the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how your making out. And as for me I wish that I was anywhere with anyone, making out.
Anyhoo... I guess things are getting better. found cool shoes. Rob's not coming to my party. Learned how to body surf and a 23 year old Irish guy winked at me. Matt said he didn't need cheese. Kind of lonely. Noel left so I have no one to wrestle with. Masters commission left so i have no one to shop for shoes with. I want to remember them all so lets see what i member bout everyone...
Carly was so small and cute with blue eyes and golden brown hair. Micheal was so sweet and quiet and funny and he said "rad" all the time. He had brown hair and blue eyes and he was very short. He helped pick up the peices and hugged me when I cried. Drew was good with kids and could never be found not playing with someone a foot shorter than him. He was also a short one with dark brown hair and dark eyes. He looked kinda like tobey maguire. Aaron was insane... "fruitys!!" he had big blonde/brown brit hair and green eyes and he was hilarious. He had 17 pairs of Deisle shoes, was into brit-rock, was way into music and interior design, and is perhaps the strangest person i have ever met. Jason and Aaron kept on singing Jackson songs in car (smooth crminal... OW!!) and Jasons so giggly and adorable. He's short and half black half white and he said "sweet" alot. He's also an amazing preacher. Tracey was soooo funny and kida ditzy and crazy. She was all punky and the youngest in the group withs hort hip blonde hair and a cartilage peircing. She liked hugging. Amanda was so cute and she made friends with my sister fast... she had blonde hair and blue eyes and looked like someone in my dance class. Steve is the oldest one there at 30 and we played "peg eachother with a baseball". Derek stayed at the other church and was a complete goofball... and a very cute one at that. Andre had cool sideburns and was very quite... but i taught him how to skateboard and he fell on top of me and i fell on top of carly and carly fell on top of drew and drew fell on top of micheal. I think thats everyone I became friends with. Good memories...
I want to write but I dunno what to write about. It's like I have no will power. Maybe tommorrow will be a better day. I'll look forward to seeing the sun again.

the river I'm crying is flooding my room.
=(