I don't know what to say or think or feel anymore. It isn't fair... and I wish I could make it better and I can't. I hate feeling helpless. I don't even know what I'm saying... Jim, we love you.

SO... I've been thinking alot about college lately... and I think I may be going just a teensy bit insane. I'm seriously considering going to christian college... maybe minoring in youth ministry. I think I'm way too shy to be a youth pastor or anything but I think it'd be cool to maybe write for a magazine like Relevant, ya know? I really feel something really strongly for youth. It just... Makes sense, ya know?

I just finished reading Joshua Harris' "I kissed dating goodbye", which was really good and insightful. I don't think I'm gonna kiss dating goodbye all together, but I do think I'm going to be a lot more careful of the type of relationships I tend to get into. I'm not even so sure I wanna date or anything for a while... which is weird coming from me, but it means alot. Not to mention said boy of the moment (of alot of moments) lives in another time zone. I've gotta go shopping for tim's birthday present... its coming up next month, and I'll probably shipp I kissed dating goodbye to him so he can read it too... it seems like his type of thing.

In other news... bought a new skateboard today. It truly is the most beautiful (scratched up a lil) thing... It's a GIRL board and it rides sooo well, 2 tails, Desrtucto trucks, and its like 7.5.... oh man... it just rides soooo well... I love it. I'm missing the sins sooo much lately... not to mention stones and ant and some of my other prep friends. Took the SAT today... I don't even wanna think about it. I miss holy cow park... i havent been there in a while... so many memories... sigh. Kind of missing some old friendships, with one boy in particular. We haven't even spoken in like a year... but I miss him. And I wish we did talk. And gah. Danny's engaged!! I'm soosososooo happy for him! I was so shocked when I first found out... I mean... Pimp daddy Danny married!?... but he is growing up... and he is in love... and I'm just soo happy. I keep having weird dreams involving Eber (his real names Emmanuel... Don't ask me where the hell Eber came from, its a mystery) which is weird... cause I don't even really know Eber. I mean I've met him a few times, and we say hi to each other and stuff... but the closest we've ever come to a conversation would have to be me messing up his hair or him makind sly comments about me and John at the 4th of july party. Sigh. Those dreams could mean anything... Nayve Kim finished off the poptarts...

Amyhoo, I'm in CT now with Eri and Daniel, so I should be on my way. Much love <33

Lots of Matt confusion in the air. Going on four years... sigh... it never ends does it?

Apparently I have the flu... and I'm dying... DYING.

Gah. I don't know what's wrong with me. For someone who frustrates me so much he certainly has me whipped, doesn't he, folks?

Welp, in other news, I went to the talent show friday... Nicky's band was awesome, and the girl who sung "stranger in my house" certainly has a set of pipes. This guy (Dylan) sung piano man. PIANO MAN! And he played the harmonaca!! And he kept doing these little exxagerated hand motions!! I fell in love with him. Le sigh. Well it was great to see all these people who I haven't seen in forever and day, the show was so much fun and I'm glad I went. Went to blue bay after with the sins/Shner/Little Deitman which was fun, its been a while. Saw the LP, a little akward but not too bad. At least he was nice. Saw Ed, and met Jamie, who seems like an absolute sweetheart. And thats about all.

Sick allllll weekend.

I'm getting a computer soon so hopefully when it arrives I'll actually do some more freelance stuff of the elder days rather than journal-esque entries.


i'll make the calls
you cover your ears
niagra falls
still flows on new year's
i will save
your plunging neck-line
kiss your face
you try to deck mine
if i behave it's going to cost him
stop the rave in downtown boston
and we know the show
must go on

cause you confused me more than anyone
an adjustment has begun
to let me feel the desperate need to leave what we undid undoneand maybe you could sympathize
with the bags under my eyes
and we'll see the signs are saying that we have used up all our (tries)try to be a better person
to be a better friend
to be a better son

he tries to be a better someone
that understands the difference
and that he can't show all the people all the things that really mean as much as he could (feel)
feels like i don't remember
ever being this tired (before)
before now my eyes were closed to all of the beauty in this world
jefferson airplane
i'm trapped and i am enclosed
but i won't complain
i'll open all the windows

cause when it's colder
i feel much better
when i cry on my own shoulder
i'll just throw on a sweater and go

and i'll go to undergo a surgery to purge me of this lonely mood
and my ego, the status quo, provides me with a decent attitudeand i'll go to undergo a change of heart, a change of clothes
and i'll go, oh yes, i'll go and hope the new me shows so everybody knows
that i've found myself able to fly away without magic feathers or jefferson aero planesi've got with me all that i need