Sorry I havent really written in a while but ive been SOOOO busy. anyway, I talked to Jordan last night and I think things between him and HER are close to over. I feel so bad though cuz i dont want him to hurt.He wont bring it up when we talk because he "wont hurt" me and even when I say that it doesnt hurt... he knows it still does. and that he's read every single one ofmy blogs so hes sure that I might get hurt and he doesnt wanna be the one to cause me pain. And as far as Jars of clay coming to Soho, I cant go because I'm going to be in DC with my aunt. its gonna be me, my cousin Erica, my cousin Daniel, Aunt Ivone, Chris, Chris' brother, and his two sons(15 and 17 years old). I'm hoping one of em is cute and/or nice. anyway we'll be gone from monday-thursday so if I don't blog, I send my apologies. I must go now so untile next time... bye

hey hey hey.... yes i know... my blogs have been kind of short and stupid lately but ive been BUSY!!! Anyway. I didn't really do anything interesting today but Jars of clay is coming to SOHO!!! yay!! I mean theyre not doing a concert or anything and theyre just gonna talk about their new CD the eleventh hour ... but still... i LOVE Jars!!! I'm so exited because theyre coming the 29, 2days before my birthday!! I am so happy and hopefully I'll get to MEET them... I just pray that God lets me get to meet them. They are SOOO kool. anyway I have to go now. Bye bye

just got off with a really kool guy named brian. he lives in VA and he has the cutest accent. He's pretty nice, but i think he has a girlfriend. anywayz, gotsta go now. bye bye

Just got back from the VBS service and the play me,Beatriz,Kirk,Antz, and Shay did came out REALLY good. Caleb dropped me home and Carlos came along for the ride. He's so kool.

Jordan's notgonna be able 2 get online till he starts college in Missouri in may wich means I won't be able to talk to him until then. And I mean the firstthinghe does when he starts college is NOT going to be to get online to talk to me. I miss him already.

okay im baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!! Okay I guess I'll start telling you about my week from Friday to now.
Friday:Went to aunt Lilly's house located in the middle of no where where there are more cows than people. Snuck out at midnight and met Aaron, the guy Angie never stops talking about. He's staying next door during the summer and they were all cuddle-y and stuff. Went inside around 4 am.
Saturday: Helped Alex pack and stuff because Aunt Lilly and them are moving back to the city in a few weeks. Listened to music. Went to the mall and bought the coolest shurt at Hot Topic that said "don't label me" and a blink 182 patch and an AC DC pin to put on my back pack. Then I went to Claire's and bought some black bangle bracelets that were on sale. Snuck out again at midnight but came back in around 2 am because the cuddles were making me sick. Angie reported to me that he has kissed her and it was ick.
Sunday: went to the mall again when Aunt Lilly went to drop Aaron and Angie off for their "date". I mean honestly where can a 14 year old kid GO? I wasn't so happy about Aaron. He calls himself a "bad boy" and He's 16 wich is a little old for Angie. He looks like a squirl and sounds like a girl on the phone and I felt to question his gender a couple of times but Angie would have killed me. I went to hot topic with aunt lilly and she bought me these really kool UFO pants as an early birthday gift. there were 2 VERY cute boys in hot topic. One was there with his mom and her and aunt Lilly started talking and stuff. Then he started talking to me about how embarrassing parents can be ( we were waiting in line together for the changing rooms). The other guy was the one working there and he was like "those pants look really good on you" and stuff wich was kool. Then there was *sigh* escalator boy. Me and aunt Lilly were on the up escalator and I was like looking down at her cuz I was a few steps above her. Actually... I was looking at escalator boy, he was looking back at me too and when we (or I ) got off he like smiled at me. We were still kind of staring at eachother as we got off of the escalator weren't paying attention to where we were going and he walked into a pole and I walked into a garbage can. It was SOOOOOOO embarresing!!! FUNNY, but EMBARRASSING!! ANyway we were kind of laughing and stuff and then he sort of walked toward me and I was walking toward him. That's when Aunt Lilly called "JENISE!!! WHERE ARE YOU??!!" Too bad I was with my aunt. He mouthed "I understand" and I shrugged disapointedly. Then he smiled and waved bye bye and I did the same. His friends were still laughing though because of him walking into the pole. he was sooooooo hot.... he has like dark brown long-ish hair and had that whole Jimmy Fallon/Ashton Cutcher role out of bed look. Snuck out again later that nightr but left for the same reasons as the night before.
Monday: A house caught on fire across the street from Aunt Lilly's house as me,angie, and Aaron were walking back from 7-11 (aka the deli the size of a trailor in the middle of nowhere about 5 miles away). I prayed that no one got hurt as the fire spread madly through the woods. Then we went to Aaron's house (no one is home on acount of the rest of his family being away on vacation) and watched most of Pearl Harbor. That night when we snuck out again for the final time, we went to his house and finished watching it. It was SOOOOO good. It actually had original footage in it and it was like totally awesome. Went back in around 3 cuz I was leaving for NYC around 4.

Well that was my week, I'll write more later. bye.

Rightnow I'm on "vacation" upstate. I haven't had time to write because I haven't been able to get to a computer. My aunt is kicking me offline now so i can't say much but i have ALOT2 tell you the second I gethome. Until tomorrow, goodbye. don't do anything I wouldn't do. *wink* *wink*

I'D RATHER BE FABIO. i'd rather go on a roller coaster ride, have a bird slam into a my face, and have to get plastic freakin' surgery for my broken nose that was created by a bird running into my face on a roller coaster ride. i'd rather suffer the humiliation of having to tell people that the way my nose got broken was because i went on a roller coaster ride and a bird slammed into my really ugly face and i had to get plastic repair surgery because the bird did so much damage because the speed of impact was so high because i was on a roller coaster and got slammed into by a bird. i would rather have the job of disappointing all those little children by telling them that it was my face, yes, my face that slammed into the bird causing it to lose its little life. i would rather have the media report the story of me having that giant, impactful run-in with the bird that broke my nose on a roller coaster ride, and have it as news all over the world for everyone to know. i was hit by a bird. my nose was broken by a bird while i was on a roller coaster ride. i'd rather have those idiotic "i can't believe its not butter" commercials on tv that make me, as well as the rest of the population of earth, want to stab themselves in the eye and question "isn't that the guy who's nose was broken by a bird while on a roller coaster ride?" i'd rather be fabio then suffer all this heartache that I have felt. FABIO. it doesn't get any worse than that.

a post from http://www.boys-kill.blogspot.com/. I can totally relate.

still i must say... Jordan, I love you

Jordan I still love you, Sorry for getting all sappy on ya,but I really do love you and I always will. First loves die hard. Jordan,my bestie, I love you.

WHY?

I love you, but I can't have you.

confused...tired... me want F-a-b-b-r-i-z-z-i-o M-o-r-e-t-t-i...mmmm....

......Tried concentrating on Fabrizzio Moretti but I can't..... Jordan, I love you.

me and jordan made up... life is GOOD.

crying again... not sure why.... many many things screwed up in my life.... i feel like crap

i have just screwed up my friendship with my bestie, jordan. I hate myself for it. Life isnt fair.

I need my art and i need it now

i hate when Jordan says mean stuff about himself... hes always beating himself up. doesnt he see how much it hurtsme. He didnt do anything wrong. hes the one who made evrything right
but noooo he cant see it.. Dammit Jordan, I love you more than anything.... stop doing this 2 urself. ur the one who makes me happy, not sad. I get sad when u blame urself for stuff... i dont like to see u sad. Jordan I cant help it, you cant help it. It sucks, but thats life. Jordan, I love you.

Laura is one ofmy besties and i love her... she always cheers me up... thank you my bestie

i HATE crying....


..... with a passion

okay i was wrong... here come the tears

This really hurts. I mean I am beyond crying. I just cant cry. THis really hurts. I mean I've always known about HER , but this is sort of like a reality slap. I mean... I dont know if this is what heart-broken-ness feels like... but it hurts... alot. I'm notgonna let it like ruin my life, but it really doeshurt. I really do love Jordan... I love him more than just about anything. It wasnt always this way tho. Jordan used to like me too in the past. Hes told me "I love you", more than once. but things change. I once read that the worst way tomiss someone is when theyre sitting next to you and you cant have them, and it really is true. its better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.... well in my eyes, i would have gladly never loved... its just hurts alot. Jordan I love you more than anything.... but I guess HER loves you more.

Love Bites


:-P

Jordan signed off... right after the HER talk. I think i messed him up. man o man. I am in pain.... blah... i jus hope Jordan isnt reading this. and Jordan, if u are... im sorry and its NOT your fault.

Gee... this whole broken-heart thing everyone talks abouthurts a whole hell of a lot more than i expected it to.

"I love you. I love you so much. You're the first person I've ever said that too and you'll be the last."
Thats what HER wrote to Jordan.... i promised him i wouldnt get jelouse... and i lied. blah... i cant help it. I love him... ME..but i cant be with him. The one guy i want, i cant have. Life isnt fair. blah.

o man.. 4got im grounded for a week... i apologize in advanced if i cant sneak on to the computer to blog.

Too bad Phil Joel is like 12 years older than me and married... minor set back..

I was just telling Jordan of my obsession over Fabrizzio Moretti.... he says I should obsess over Phil Joel instead... bassist/singer of the newsboys... hmm thats an idea....

I was just watching Dude where's my car on TV... it is perhaps the stupidest movie I have ever seen... but that was why it was so funny. Chester aka Sean William Scott looks like a squirl... I mean he's not an ugly squirl... just squirl-ish. I'm still crushing...obsessing...same thing... over Fabrizzio Moretti aka drummer for the strokes.... hes just so amazingly hot. I guess I have a thing for drummers. For instance, my 1st obsession back in 6th/7th grade was over Travis from blink 182. It then went on to the drummer of Linkin Park and then again to Icubus' drummer. Now its Fabrizzio... even his name is beautiful. f-a-b-r-i-z-z-i-o M-o-r-e-t-t-i. hehe... anyway I am super super bored. I will eventually email Jordan and call Carlos and stuff... but I don't feel like it now. What should I talk about...hmmm....
the forst two thing sthat come to mind when I think of anything, are Music and Art. I know I know... your probably thinking to your self, "Why Jen, You ALWAYS talk about art".... but I can't help it. Art and Music... they used to be my life... now they're my soul. It's like no matter whats going on Art and music always calm me down. It's amazing what 6 frets, a guitar pick, and a sketchbook can do for you. I mean I really love singing and i love playing guitar (although I'm not very good)... but if i had to choose, the flute is what does it for me. I mean some how everything is right when I play. I feel like I'm floating. Singing is also something... I just forget about everything, my shyness, my problems- EVERYTHING. Art... art is my life... I go through sketchbooks like i go thru gatorade. I mean it just helps me expressmy feelings,thoughts-whatever and share them with people. Art and Music. I guess you could call them My passion. I want to major in that when I go to college... i mean I've worked toward it all my life. My dream schools are Juliard and FIT both located in NYC, so I wouldnt have to move or anything. But i have like this strong feeling that I'm called to do missionary work. It scares me. I mean it shouldn't right? I should know the right choice . I mean i DO know the right choice. I mean God's will, or my will? But it's much easier said than done. I've never really been able to see myself married or with kids. I mean I'd like to get married and have kids some day.... but I've never been able to picture it. Lots of people who are called to missions feel that way too. I mean they just can't see themselves getting married. It's hard to be a missionary and have a family because sometimes you can barely put food on the table for yourself... how will you do it for an entire family? And it takes alot of dedication and stuff. I mean even if you marry a missionary... what if your called to different places? There was this missionary who came to visit our church once. and her name was Tammy. Anyway she was with this guy for like 7 years. i mean SEVEN YEARS! and He was a missionary too, but they were called to go different places, and they had to break up. I mean they were IN LOVE with eachother and everything. But they ended it becauseof what they had to do. I mean yeah... im in love with Jordan.. and I wish i could go out with him... heck i wish i could MARRY him.... but if I'm really called to missions it's gonna be SUPER hard. He's called to missions as well. Maybe God will bring us together or something, but I dont think so. and even if we do end up together, what if God calls us to different places? Maybe I shouldn't worry about this stuff. I mean I'm not even 16 yet and i still have like 2 years till college. But I dunno, for some reason I keep on thinking about it. I guess I just have to really pray about it and look into my word. Pray for God to reveal his will for my life to me.
There's this youth evangelistic trip to ohio. And only 15 youth can go (there are like 40 youth inmy church). And most of teh Pantomime team is going, But allyson ( our youth pastor) told me I probably wont be able to go cause I don't minister enough in church. It really hurts because I minister in as many ways as I can. And I really do want to go. #1 I'm not in many of the pantomimes... only like 3 of them, cuz I haven't been with them since the group forst started. #2 When I don't go to church, it's not because I dont want to.... its cuz i CANT. And when I don't go to other churches with them its because i CANT, not that I dont want to.And I've only missed like two outings. The thing is... I really really love God... and I really really want to minister to other people. But I supposse If I don't go, it's because God wants me here. Everything happens for a reason... even if we can't see it at the time. Maybe He still has something for me, you know? Like maybe I'm just not ready to go minister to people yet. Whatever the reason may be, I just need to have faith and trust in God.
But still, I hope that through some freakish way, I can go.

Kimberly is busy driving me insane as usual. I mean, who came up with the idea of little sisters anyway? Tattle-talling little brats whos scream "Jenise is on the computer! OOOOOO!! daddy, isn't she grounded?" I mean what evil scientist came up with this screwed up idea. Thanks to my parents, I have now totally lostit. I mean, at least before I had some sense of sanity... now its gone... GONE!!! ahahahaha!!

Blah... sometimes I hate it here. I can''t wait till college so I can move out... not that I don't love my family, I do. It's just sometimes, they drive me insane. Anyway, I have to go finish cleaning up my room. laterz.

What is love? I mean really. I think it's kind of strange that I'm not even 16 yet, and i feel like I'm in love. Maybe I'm too young to even know what love is. If I'm not in love with Jordan... what is he to me? I mean what would I call it? Jord is my best friend and hes the absolute koolest person on the planet. I've liked him for around 2 years now and although sometimes it hurts knowing I can't have him, for some reason, it's worth it. With my ex-boyfriend... well call him "Y". With Y, he only lived a state away and it was just too hard to have a long distance relationship with him. Jordan will be starting college in Missouri in August and for some reason, I could deal with it. Not seeing him very often would be worth it... it's like... he's just so special to me. I mean I can't even describe the way I feel about him. He's just a really kool,smart,funny,sweet,amazing guy. There's the issue of her tho... i mean i guess he knows how i feel. Tolike love someone so much that it hurts... and knowing you can't be with them. It truly truly sucks. I mean i could see myself MARRYING him... thats alot...maybe TOO much. But I can't help it. I mean I like other guys too... but it's different with Jordan. It's...special. I mean just talking to him is enough, you know? He is just the most amazing guy. Then tehres Carlso. Carlos is mad kool... and i like him... ALOT. But I mean he doesn't like me. He knows how I feel about him and he hasn't done anything. Plus I think he likes another girl from my church.... he treats me like his little sister. I mean it's not a bad thing, it just means he doesn't like me. and i can deal with it, but with jordan its different... i just cant stop thinking abouthim. Im starting to think this infatuation isnt healthy... i mean hes my BEST FRIEND. I'm just so confused. I guess I'll just pray for God to do his will. Maybe Jordan is "the one" and maybe not. maybe i dont even have a "one" i guess I'll just wait on God.. after all... I'm really really young. I don't even WANT a boyfriend...yet. I just can't help how I feel though. Ahhh... I'm starting to get even more confused. I guess I'll go give myself a break from thinking. Until next time.

i am so very bored.... i guess only a teenage girl could have a blog like mine... cept I'm probably not how you picture me. yes I am christian and yes i do like boys. But i don't want a boyfriend yet... theyre too much work and I'm not one of those freaks who only dresses in long black skirts and doesn't wear make up. I'm not a brittney-spears wannabe either though. I like to say I'm original and unique.... but there are many more people who would just consider me a freak. I skateboard and play guitar and art is my LIFE. I'm going to die the tips of my hair blue and I'm a rock fanatic.cyber hugs freak me out and both of my best friends live so far away. So what if I'm a little boy crazy? that doesn't mean I can't be a blog of note.... and so what if my punctuation isn't grammatically correct... who CARES? yeah maybe I'm weird... but who said weird is bad? I have more guy friends then girl friends and i can practically beat any guy up... well that was until 7th grade when guys started working out. So what if I'm short? I'm so sick of people judging me. I usually dont even care what people think about me, but sometimes things just add up. I like being me and i'm not going to change for anyone or anything. I'm not going to let people ideas of me get in the way of me achieving my goals and I'm not going to let the fact that no one even READS my stupid blog get me discouraged. I am who i am and i can't change that. I've never done anything bad to anyone for them to hate me and I'm sick of it. If they wanna hate me thats THEIR problem and THEIR loss. all i can say is I am me.

ahh 2 be a blog of note.... something my blog is not...

went to church today... saw carlos... who likes "X".... still in love with my best friend.... dont want to like anyone, just want to do Gods will.... just want God to be my everything.... no want talk like Tarzan

just got back from the youth party/diner thing at my church. It was fun.I cutmy hair really short but it looks better this way, i supposse. I'm really tired so I'm sorry if i am being boring. I'll check back wit ya in a few minutes.

Talking to Jordan.... most of my confusion is going away... :-)....

why why why do i like carlos? I dont WANT a boyfriend. i really really dont. WHY?? Carlos is like a brother to me... on eof the koolest guys i know, and i've known him all my life. WHY DO I LIKE HIM??????? I mean yeah hes cool and funny and smart and mature and cute.... but hes also Carlos. This is so confusing. Jordan and Carlos. It isn't fair. I don't want to like anyone. I don't wanta boyfriend. I just want to focus on God. Well I mean i don't have to worry about either of them liking me back. They both know how I feel about them and Carlos hasn't done anything and Jordan has HER. I am so confused, Not only about guys and that type of thing.
All my life, I've known what I wanted to do. I've alwasy wanted to study art and/or music and college. I've worked all my life ( okay okay all of my SHORT life) towards it. And now.... I think I'm called to be a missionary. It's so weird... everytime someone talks about missions i get this feeling... like theyre talking to me. I get this tingliy feeling inside too... like anxious. I mean the decision should be easy.... What i want to do or what God wants me to do... but for some reason... it isn't that easy. I still have a couple of years of highschool left, so I'm not making any desicions YET, but soon I will. I dunno.... I guess I'll just think about things and see what happens.

All my life I've always been the smart one. The one who makes her parents proud and who has never gotten below a B+ on ANYTHING. My report card came today and lets just say it was a pretty sight.
Earth Science- 79.3
Concert band- 93.6
Music- 94.2
French- 84.5
English- 81.7
Phys. ed.- 90.8
Global History- 84.1
Religion (yes, i go 2 parochial school)- 92.9
Earth Science regents (Theses sucky state tests that highschoolers in NY are forced to take)- 71
Now maybe these grades don't sound bad to you, but having my dad as a father... they SUCK. anyway, i dont want to talk about this depressing subject any longer so I'll just write about last night.

As you know, last night I stopped blogging cuz i was talking to Jordan aka my best friend and the guy I'm in love with( or have been in love with for the past 2 years). Jordans really kool but weve been fighting lately, thank God its all over tho and were back to normal... or as normal as you can get with 2 paranoid freaks who just happen to be best friends. He knows that Ive liked him for a long time and I mean at first he felt the same but then he met HER* I will not mention HER's name because i dont want her to know that im talking about her. Anyway, ill copy and paste some of our conversation. My screen name is : I AM SHORT and his is: I AM TALL


I AM TALL says:
and I don't look forward to telling her that I'm gonna call it quits
I AM TALL says:
but oh well
I AM SHORT says:
stuff happens
I AM SHORT says:
life goes on
I AM TALL says:
lol, you don't like her
I AM SHORT says:
lol
I AM SHORT says:
sorry
I AM TALL says:
it's alright
I AM TALL says:
I still think it was a mistake for me to say anything
I AM SHORT says:
the only reason i dont like her is cuz i like u
I AM SHORT says:
lol
I AM SHORT says:
it wasnt a mistake
I AM TALL says:
yeah, I know

AND


I AM TALL says:
but I'm not sure if you think that I think what you think you think you know is what you really think you think I think you think you know
I AM SHORT says:
lol!
I AM SHORT says:
fine fine
I AM TALL says:
now say that 5 times fast
I AM SHORT says:
lol
I AM SHORT says:
okay i wont ask
I AM SHORT says:
but u really are a scardey car
I AM SHORT says:
cat
I AM TALL says:
yes!
I AM SHORT says:
lol
I AM TALL says:
I'm a scaredy car!
I AM TALL says:
vrrooooomm!
I AM SHORT says:
cat*
I AM TALL says:
*screeeech!!!!*
I AM TALL says:
OH NO!!!! A FLAT TIRE!!!!!!
I AM TALL says:
AHHH!!!!
I AM SHORT says:
lol
I AM TALL says:
alright....and if you were thinking you, you're right

and heres part of an email:

" no matter what you say, you really are pretty, and friendly, and a Christian, and I don't know if it'll be me that ends up with you, but whoever it is is going to be a very lucky guy, because you know how to love someone with all your heart, taking both the good and the bad. not many...actually few people know how to do that. and you obviously have a desire to serve the Lord, so that just adds so much to who you are. I really mean that."

The reason i included taht part of the email is because it meant ALOT to me... i mean ALOT. I'm very confused about Jordan... very very confused, but I guess I'll just have to wait things out. Anyway I guess I'll go wait.


* name has been changed

oh yeah if people actually read this and want to contact me... my email address is Jesusfrk_731@hotmail.com

Okay, sorry I haven't written in a while, but the last few days have been quite hectic.
Saturday:
Babysat for my cousin Daniel and slept over. Daniel taught me how to skateboard. I spent most of the night playing Tony Hawk pro skater on play station 2.
Sunday:
Went to the beach with my cousins Daniel, Erica, and my Aunt. Pretty pretty boys there. most any of em said was "hey gorgeous" and he wasn't even a cute one. I was blinded by balding men in pink thong speedos and I'm still contemplating over wether Ill EVER go to the beach again.
Monday:
Youth group outing to a roller rink. There were some college-age kids from WA staying with members of our church as a part of a ministry thing. I got really close to 2 in particular - Ron and Maggie.... they are SOOOOO kool. Ron is like 20 and hes really funny/nice/fun/easy to talk to and Maggie is all around sweet and totally totally kool. Ron and I have alot in common as far as music and stuff goes and Maggie is just really friendly and shes a really sweet girl. Theres another guy- Matt and hes really really kool too. I exchanged addresses and other info with them so that we could stay in touch.
Tuesday:
Fight with Jordan. =0(
Wensday:
Make-up with jordan, fight with dad.
Thursday:
4th of JULY!!! lots of pretty fire works and went to diner at night. Debbie might have breast cancer, theyre operating on wensday. I pray shell be all right. well Jordans on and i want to talk to him so later!