Meh. It hurts. I send him a billion rambling emails and then i feel like an idiot because why would he care what color shoes I'm wearing or why cheese smells? I dunno... nite

I wake up something more than what I'm supposed to be, something more than I have meant to show, How was I supposed to know that I've wanted, and I've waited...And I can be the one to show you that life's not simple enough. And I can be the one to tell you that I've held this back for too long. And my heart aches...these feelings I've held inside for you. And my heart aches...how can I stop the pain?

why is it that every time i talk to him im listening to that song. Its weird. I hate it.

Destiny

Looking at the time past through my window
There is beauty in everything I see
The clouds go by, calling my name
Beauty is the colors
Cars go by and time goes past
It grows late, and the lights go on
I see beyond my window's reach
Hoping someone's on the other end.
I wonder with all I have to go somewhere new
To another time, beyond my window
My train I see is beauty to my eyes
Lovely is the sound of the wind
Yet clouds don't wait while I try to catch up with them,
They left me behind
Then they told me something

"As the night grows cold
and the sky grows blue,
Someone out there is waiting for you;
Yet you must wait, for destiny has chosen you
You will be you're own person."

Yet I was confused,
Clouds going through,
A little boy came to me.
He asked, "Does everyone have a destiny?
Does everyone really matter?"
Then the clouds grew blue
And the night grew old
My hand with the little boy's,
my soul on fire,
The boy said to me
"Is this destiny? Or is this just this?
What is your name?"
"My name is Kim."
And he replied, "Hi, my name is destiny"

-by Kimberly Diamond Pollock, 9/24/2003

This was written my 7th grade sister. I think she's following in my footsteps!! Hooray!
Sure there are some gramatical errors, but the important thing is the expression, the spirit in it all. She is in fact, as I have suspetced, a hopless romantic. It's not Life that she loves, but every little part of it. Like Montag in Farenheit 451, it's not the books that she needs, it's the stories and messages and life in the books. Her writing comes down and touches earth in her own little way. Sure she's a phsyco little prick, but she is the most talented 7th grader I know. The whole relating of destiny to a person, making it more real, that's ingenius.The way the clouds moved.... I don't know. It's funny how the littlest things can inspire you.

In other news, Duckie made the talent show cut!!!!!!!!!!!! w00t!

Band of the week (and a half): Count the stars

Doesn't she look good standing in her underwear?

I was prancing about in my underwear when the boy next door walked into my room. He saw the "Cawabunga" written on my arse, said "whoa", and walked out slowly. Because of this, I am now dead.

Another reason the Brits rock

Just called Adrian, he wasn't available, buuuut.... his dad picked up!! AND HE'S BRITISH!! He actually said "Jen, darling, i've heard so much about you. I'll let Adrian know you rang." He said RANG... he called me DARLING!! AND ALL WITH A BRITISH ACCENT!!!!!!!

Live as though you'll die today...

All I want is an intensely good movie. It had me in tears.

Is it so wrong that I find my lawyer and his collegue who smiled at me insanely attractive?

Last nite I wrote a long depth-ridden post, and right when I was publishing it I got knocked offline and I lost it. And in all of 5 seconds, the thoughts rushed back into my brain, causing it to explode. Oh and my new response to people who insist that I think too much is "the unexamined life is not worth living."

I wish I could get my thoughts out on paper (or screen) right now, but they're all jumbled up in my head. I have come to the sudden realization that I use correct punctuation and grammar sporatically online... strange...

I am now looking for a new template, something that reflects my new perspective. If I had the time, I'd just make my own template... but I don't. If anyone has any ideas (other than Maystar) let me know.

The boy I wrote about before will never know that I like him if I keep writing constantly. Since he rarely checks the blog and has perhaps lost the link, he just won't see it. He isn't one to scroll backwards. Therefore I am safe and free and wonderful.

the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket...

I have come to the conclusion that this blog is a load of crap. Whiney, yet passionate, crap. But it is my crap and I am damned proud of it.

Apparently I treat Steve like crap (all of this according to my dad), so steve, if I really am treating you like crap, I'm sorry... it hasn't been intentional.

Again with the sporatic grammar.

I think I am installing Homegrown as the band of two weeks... they certainly deserve it. But next it's Count the stars

I am determined to find the most beautiful place in the world (or maybe just NYC) this year.

Just had a complete absence of thought... maybe I should go study.

Dream as if you'll live forever..

my brain has exploded

i spent an hour writing, it got lost, and all the thoughts i had put in went back into my head, thus causing my brain to explode.

Today I have tried for the millionth and perhaps last time to reach Cia. How can I try and regain our friendship if all she does is push me away? It's been weird since the whole Richard thing and even thinking about it hurts. What hurts even more is the great chance that I'm the only one who still wants to be friends. That I'm the only one missing it. I've tried and tried and all she does is push me away. Is it possible that she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore? I can remember when we were besties, and it really really hurts that we don't have that anymore. Maybe I'm overreacting, but how can I help the way I feel? Is it such a bad thing that I care about my friends and am hurt when I see them hurt? Is that so wrong? I don't know. Maybe she's been giving me hints this whole time. I've done my part. If she wants anything, well I suppose that's up to her.

I think I am in love with Sir Phillip Sidney

He was basically the idealistic renaissance man- Soldier, scholar, poet, critic, courtier and diplomat, he lived a life of both thought and action, adept at not only the gentler pursuits of life, but the hardier ones as well. When he was fatally wounded in battle, instead of taking the water offered to him, he passed it to another wounded man, saying, "Thy necessity is greater than mine." How romantic is that? He is my favorite poet. His sonnets are absolutely beautiful, especially the ones revolving around Astrophell and Stella. Stella meaning stars, and Astrophel meaning lover of stars. I'm in a rather strange mood. Farewell.

''Somebody who is… judged on appearance instead of heart, who is looked upon as a freak -- well… freaks are my heroes.'' --Johnny Depp

"How could anyone be lonely with a world of almost 6.2 billion people surrounding us night and day? Maybe people isn't what we are looking for. . . " --unknown

"I feel like a word that nobody says. . . ." --the normals

"Most folks smile away the blues. I mean I... I guess they do. You never really know for sure but I'm surviving on this hunch that everybody else is hurtin' too. --don chaffer of waterdeep

"Wickedness, when you examine it, turns out to be the pursuit of some good in the wrong way."

"Everybody wants to go to HEAVEN, but nobody wants to DIE."

"Maybe she hasn't come into my life, because I am not, yet who I am going to be for the rest of me."

"Why do we only thank God for the good things?"

“Tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful chord.” - sixpence none the richer

"Stories are the only science of the particular." -theologian john milbank

"There's a risk in spreading out your ugly inside in a song. People begin to pigeonhole you...You wind up typecast as a dark, doubtful, introverted [person], writing all these pensive lyrics and dealing with internal struggles of the heart and mind. That is a danger...I also have to resolve the problems and find answers for the questions." - matt slocum of sixpence none the richer

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - mere christianity, c.s. lewis

"You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same"

"I can’t see the sun for the daylight. I can’t feel your breath for the wind. I get so used to these shadows. Will you chase away these shadows when you come back again?" - jars of clay

"Sometimes you have to go slow enough to see the clouds move."

"Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom" - Robert Frost

"Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I accomplish." - Michelangelo

I spent a thousand lone cold years nights thinking I would gladly hurt if I could feel I spend a thousand empty days just looking for a girl to make me real and all this time your face was all around me in all those loving arms that held me so close and I feel blood pouring through these veins after all and I feel blood washing through these stains after all and I am coming to life - the normals

"For faith is a relationship with the Creator-God. It involves the mind, the will, our feelings and emotions indeed, the whole fabric of which is so utterly complex that no two people have the same religious experience or share the exact same viewpoint, ever. When in a friendship I suffer disappointment, the result is personal pain. That pain, however, does not justify a break in the friendship. The crucial issue is whether the existing trust is strong enough to bear up under the strain. Will the friendship mature?" - regenerator.com

"Death, thou Shall Die" - John Donne

"No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever." -Francois Mauriac

Sir Phillip Sidney- Sonnet 31
With how sad steps, O Moon, thou climb'st the skies !
How silently, and with how wan a face !
What, may it be that even in heavenly place
That busy archer his sharp arrows tries?
Sure, if that long with love-acquainted eyes
Can judge of love, thou feel'st a lover's case;
I read it in thy looks; thy languisht grace
To me that feel the like, thy state descries.
Then, even of fellowship, O Moon, tell me,
Is constant love deemed there but want of wit?
Are beauties there as proud as here they be?
Do they above love to be loved, and yet
Those lovers scorn whom that love doth possess?
Do they call virtue there, ungratefulness?

"For whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee"- John Donne.

I am starting a new chapter in my book of life. I've done alot of soul searching and I think I am ready to begin anew. Welcome ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jenise-Marie Pollock and this is my story...

everyone has their differences. its how you get through them that counts.

InvadeRx666xZiM: like that ur very emotional, ur mother died, which im still, very sorry for despite ne thing ive said tonight directed toward u, that ur very religious and u believe god is all powerful, that one of the reasons u broke up with steve was that u believed god wanted someone better for u and christian , i know u play off that u have a high self esteem but ur self esteem is very low, i know u have a low confidence issue and u have anxiety attacks, which i do too and i know what u go through with that. i know that ur very mixed up in some ways and u want normalcy. i know that u listen to punk and emo and it makes u feel like someone understands u better, i know u love to write and ur good at it, i know guys fall for u easily and most of the time it isnt mutual, i knwo
InvadeRx666xZiM: that u live with ur dad and he doesnt often apporve of ur style but loves u just the same, i know ur a good artist, i know u miss steve very much so and i know u like josh
InvadeRx666xZiM: i know that ur afraid of commitment but u love the idea of long term romance. i know that ur friends mean the world to u but ur afraid that sometimes u dont mean the world to them. i know u miss ur mother and i know she loves u very much because shes told me before to befriend u, i know that ur scared that life will pass u by and u'll have few accomplishments, i know if u got to know me and how i know all this info u and i would probably end up pretty close if we settled our differences. i know u like pizza and rainy days as well as stars and the sun. i know ur depressed and uve been for longer then u can remember but u hide it so that no one will worry, i know that u want things uve never had and it frustrates u not to have them
InvadeRx666xZiM: i know u have a connection to the movie a walk to remember cuz ur a lot like the main character, i know that ur a bit curious right now, i know that u love animals, i know u love specific colors and they express specific moods according to u, i know that u think u should be better then who u are even though ur great the way u are. i know that u tell urself things to make u feel better, i know that ur easily intimidated, i know that deep down u'd never want to hurt ne one, and finally, i know that ur mom is proud of her daughter in every single way.
InvadeRx666xZiM: ne thing i forgot?
JeniNyPr: no not someone better for me and not christian, that wasnt the whole reason. The relationship was just over. it happens. MY slef esteem isnt very high, but it isnt very low either. I know im kool and that im loved and that i have friends. I know im pretty and smart, and most of the time my ego is very large. i do have confidence in myself. I know i can reach the stars if i tried hard enough, I know that I can do anything I put my mind too. I have anxiety attacks from home stuff, nothing that anyone at all knows about other than laura, i am very mixed up, but i like it taht way. Normal can be boring. your right about the punk and emo, writing is my passion, i dont know that guys fall for me easily, and only twice has it not been mutual... and only because i had never thought of them like that before, me n my dad fight alot and he used to beat me but hegot help and now were close, thank about the art thing, i do miss steve and i do like josh, im afraid of losing friendships, not comittement. i love romance and all apsects of it, right about friends, the thing about my mothers making me cry, of that i am afraid, i do like you and think your really cool its just i was already hurting and it was kind of too much at once and i blew up, i think we could be friends, i love all of that, im not that depressed anymore, but sometimes i break, that too, i do love that movie, i like animals, right with the colors, i used to feel that way... but i do love being me, i hate hurting ppl, i dont even remember my mom really.
JeniNyPr: im sorry for calling you a wench/bitch whatever... but ive been hurt alot in my life so its a tendency to hurt them back so much that they wouldnt hurt me again
InvadeRx666xZiM: shes beautiful
JeniNyPr: i dont look like her
InvadeRx666xZiM: u do
JeniNyPr: no much
InvadeRx666xZiM: u have her eyes and her smile
JeniNyPr: i dunno
JeniNyPr: i dont get angry often but when i do i blow up

InvadeRx666xZiM: u like josh because he's someone who helps u escape from reality
InvadeRx666xZiM: he seems to be there pretty often when u need him, and that led u to fall for him
InvadeRx666xZiM: hes ur drug.. he helps u feel something more

Isn't it strange how one minute you can be fighting with someone and a few hours later, you see a different side of them that changes everything? isnt life funny like that? We must all go through a right of passage.. it must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark.

Theres something good in the air. I can feel it.

Imnot going to school tommorrow. Just called laura, dont wanna go into details since they are slightly embarassing. This is my blog. I refuse to censor it. This is where I express myself. Writing is my medium. And if you don't like it do yourself a favor and fuck off. Yes, I, Jen, am cursing. This is because I am absolutely livid. I am so livid I am not making sense, I cannot find the words to express how hurt I am.

I hate crying like this. And I can't fucking control it anymore. You know what I hate too? I hate Josh. You know why I hate Josh? Because I have spent so much time trying convince myself that I don't like him. I've pulled out every imaginable flaw out of him and still I like him. I hate it. I especially hate that he's my friend and I like him. I hate the whole liking him thing in general. Yes Josh. I like you... and I hate every minute of it. I hate your stupid hair and your stupid sneakers and your stupid absolutely retarded smile. I hate that I get nervous around you. I hate that I tend to act like an idiot when your there and actually care about it. I hate it so much that I'm venting about it on equal terms with steves asshole-ness. I hate what I see in your eyes. And I hate the way everything I hate about you makes me like you more. I hate that you'll probably think I'm some kind of phsyco freak after reading this and I'm praying you lost the link to this site so you can never ever read this. I hate that I don't want to want you, but that I want you anyway. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate the way that everytime I try and tackle you I fail. I hate that that stupid nickname has become endearing. I hate that your my FRIEND, and yet i still can't seem to not like you. I hate knowing that nothing will ever ever ever happen, and I hate the fact that I hate that. I hate the way that I have to stop to kick you all of the time. I hate that I can't be "normal" and girly and flirty instead of Jen, everyones best friend. I hate the fact that I hate that too. I hate that you will never ever feel the way about me that I feel about you. I hate that I hate that. I hate that I can't be all girly and beautiful and cool, that I can only be Jen. I hate that I don't have astounding confidence and that its all your fault. Stupid prat. I hate that after you read this nothing will ever be the same and I hate that I'm writing this. I hate you I hate you I hate you. And if I hate you so much, does it make sense that I like you? I hate that I like your floppy hair. I hate that your all cute and stupid. I hate the way I sound writing this right now. I hate that I cant make private entries on this stupid blog. I hate that I'll never be anything more to you than a friend. And I hate that I feel that way. I hate that stpid story in your eyes. And what I hate most, the absolute most, is the fact that all of these things I hate about you make me like you more. Bastard.

wehahdw9sljad
okay better news: I ALMOST got Josh today... it's okay.. when he gets it, he won't see it comin.. muahaha...

a freshmen I know from Martin Luther (he went to my old school) flirted with me!! HA!! I found it adorable, and slightly amusing. He was pretty cute, Maybe for my sister or something though.

I have a ton of homework, but am hoping we get some kind of storm in the am so I don't have to do it.

Band of the week: Homegrown
Song of the week- Tommorrow
Line of the week- "California dreaming never meant so much to me..."

oh and when I get 8,000 visitors, I think we should have a party. In favor of my rapidly growing ego.

Okay today wasnt great and now I'm even more peeved. Here's why.

Quote from Jessika from the prep:
If you dont mind me saying this, i think u think way too into things. relax a little, and stop treating ur friends like they should revolve around u. You have no idea how completely lucky u are to have such good friends there for you all the time. if they dont do 1 thing right , dont be all angry at them..or sooner or later you'll lose them. You dont know what uve had till u lost it. sorry once again, but its true. stop thinking so much, and focus on what u have before its too late.

My response:
I do think to much. And quite frankly it's what I do best, I love to think. Unfortunately, when I'm in a bad/depressed mood, I think sad rather selfish thoughts. But this is my blog, my thoughts, my world. And I if I wanna bitch and moan and complain, then I will. I don't treat my friends like they should revolve around me. Most of my friends weren't even mentioned in the post. The poeple I was annoyed at deserved my wrath, I'm not gonna be happy and rejoice if someone acts like a prick towards me. You have no idea who I'm talking about, so maybe you should stop making assumptions. And I do know how lucky I am to have my friends, I am extremely unbelievably lucky. People who were at the candle ceremony saw it when I started bawling about how much I love them and how they've helped shape me into who I am today. Two years ago I was extremely depressed, then Laura came along and soon after the rest of the fellowship. I don't have much of a family, so my friends are my family. They mean the world to me, and people who know me would know that as well. I call them all my besties because they are, the fellowship, or 8 or whatever people are my family, they're all I have and I DO appreciate them. I don't know where I'd be without them. And I don't judge whether they do things right or wrong. I'm not so much mad at Cia then really hurt by her. My reasons are personal. If I think about it too much I'm afraid I'll break. And it's the same with Rob. It's not like I'm mad or don't appreciate them than hurting. And if bitching on my blog is the way I get the pain out, then let me freaking bitch. And if anyone knows the whole "You don't know what you've had till you lost it" thing better than me. The point is Jessyka, is that I consider you a friend and I like you and stuff... but you don't really know me at all. So you don't know what you're talking about when you make assumptions. And I'm not angry as much as I am peeved. I mean, I know I can be selfish sometimes, but I'm not a wanker. I'm not horrid to my friends, and even they don't know how much they mean to me. And I won't stop thinking, that's my release. I solve my problems rather than try and ignore them.

Comment from Jessika 2:
OK if you're referring to me as the jess in this post then i will have lost all respect for you. Im sorry about ur mom and all, i really am, but dont go judging everyone else with the way they are to their parents, because unless ur there 24/7 you dont know if its the other way around, and our parents are hurting our feelings

My response:
First of all, it was not you I was referring to... it was my best friend Jessica H. And she knows exactly what I'm talking about. Secondly, I don't want anyone's pity. I don't complain much about not having a mom or anything, it's not that big a deal. But sometimes... just sometimes I wish I did. And I have that right. You talked about not knowing what you have until you lose it, it's the same case with parents. You don't know what you have until you lose one. I always took my mother for granted. Then she died and I was screwed. I never appreciated it and now I can barely remember her. No matter ho wmuch your parents bitch at you or push you or whatever, it's because they love you. They want whats best for you. Sure they hurt you sometimes, but the reasoning behind it is good. I don't have to be there 24/7 to make observations. My writings are based on that. Whoever has two parents, as long as theyre not abusive and actually show they care (yes, yelling at you to do something or be home on time is caring), is one lucky bastard. People who have lost a parent, Like Rich (sort of) and Kayla, know what I'm talking about. I have every right to be jelouse of Laura as well. You don't know the whole story with me and my mom/family, and if you did maybe you'd think differently. Only a few people know about it and I'd like to keep it that way. The key point- doon't make assumptions about things you don't know or preach to me. I know what I'm talking about. If you don't like what I've got to say, then don't read it. This is my escape, my thoughts, my world. Get used to it.

Now Jessika, I know I sound bitter and prat-like, but actually think about what I'm saying. And don't take this as like I don't like you or anything, cause I do. But I need to respond to it somehow. I respect your opinions... but I like mine better.

I was feeling kind of down today and then Josh came behind me and pushed all the buttons on the vending machine and it cheered me up. Then Steve jumped on me and i crumpled to the ground. That kind of cheered me up too.

That and made me want to kill him.

Anyway, besides that I felt down some more, and then the senior on the bus smiled at me and it made me feel special. Sometimes that's all you need.
And no, I'm not saying I like him or something stupid like that. I'm saying that the friendly gesture made me feel appreciated.

I think I'm experiencing courtly love for Mr. Jardines. Now there is absolutely nothing attractive about my US history teacher, but I do adore him in a way... mind you not in a romantic way... it's hard to explain.

Anyway, I'm still feeling kind of down. I think Rob's a wanker. Don't bother asking me why. I also think Cia is a wanker. Again, Don't bother asking me why. I don't feel like even thinking about it.

Somethings wrong with Nicky but I don't know what. He told me not to worry, so naturally I'm worried to death. I hope all is well.

People added to my list of wankers: Joe, Sam, Satan, that creepy girl- Crissy I think, Carmelo, Kiwi, and all those other prats at prep.

Josh's hair cut looks nice. His hair isn't quite as floppy, and the whole unshaven look works for him.

Richie's un-hair-cut also looks nice... unfortunately, the unshaven look doesn't work for him. It's okay, he's a cutie anyway.

People have annoyed me lately, don't be mad if I just stop hanging out with you guys. I just feel so blah, it isn't fun.

On a brighter note Adrian and I talked on the phone breifly today. He remembers the strangest things said in conversation. A little embarassing, but nice. Not many people notice the little things. He inspired me to catch 2 hours of Smallville in which I bawled like a little baby.

That's all folks.

I, Jen Pollock, am a complete idiot.

Piccies!!


Robbie and Steve!!


Pyro (Laura) and me and someones legs!!


Duckie!!!


Ed and Steve!!

I've been thinking lately, about life and love and my personal philosophy. My philosophy being stolen from Mark Twain- Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like you've never been hurt, and live like it's heaven on earth. I've also been thinking about how the British tax policy was basically salutary neglect and insanely unfair. I mean sure the British had reasons to tax the colonists, but it was a disgrace that they weren't even represented in parliament. they weren't really free. Some might argue that since they were under British rule, they had to. But all of the other British subjects were represented in parliament except for them. Taxation without representation is tyranny. Their rights were being infringed upon and it wasn't fair. The whole point of it all is that sure they could have payed the taxes, but it was a disgrace to not even have a say in it all... they weren't really free, as they came to the New world to be.

Sorry about that... school tatoos my brain. I cannot wait until astronomy, I love the night sky. Ever notice how different it is here in the city than it is upstate? Crazy. I want to go on an adventure... I want to find the most beautiful place in the world.

Funny how you never know who you're gonna fall for until it's too late, isn't it? How your heart does all the deciding and your brain doesn't even get a say in it. How even though it feels so nice, it's so miserable at the same time.

Isn't if funny how even the worst qualities you can bring up in them make them perfect all the same? Not perfect in the without-fault sense. Perfect as in every little imperfection and prick-like quality makes you like them even more.

Isn't it funny how you spend all your time trying to force yourself to persuade yourself of something and it ends up smacking you in the face anyway.

Isn't it funny how just being around them for 5 minutes at a time is enough?

Isn't it funny how they make the stupidest things sound interesting. How their beliefs somehow influence your worldview? How an empty jar of peanut butter just sounds so much more interesting.

Isn't funny how not telling them how you feel kills you, yet telling them does even worse?

Isn't it funny how someone can get you to believe in the good of the world, in love, and in fate... and yet stop believing in it themselves?

Isn't it funny how something like an orange tuxedo can brigten your day?

Isn't it funny?

" for some reason whenever you were around them, peanut butter becomes that much more interesting. and the ensuing 4 hour conversation about that half empty jar leaves you feeling more content and with a higher sense of accomplishment than anything you could have done that day"

I want that.

No more talk about him. No no no no.

At the moment I'm talking to Matt. Yes he hurt me and yes I'm still kind of peeved... but my heart goes out to him. No more talk of him either.

My grandma had a cancerous mole or something on her face. She went to the hospital to getit removed today. I hope the cancer didn't spread... I dunno what I'd do without my grandma.

I want to go to the cemetery where my mom is buried. I haven't been there since I was 12, when my dad used to make me go. It's called Maple grove cemetery. I don't want to tell anyone in my family that I'mgoing or when, I don't want them with me. But I don't want to be alone either. I wouldn't dare ask any of my friends to come with me though. I'd feek ajward if I started crying or something around the guys (except perhaps Josh or Robbie, both of which I wouldn't dare ask... then THEYD feel akward) and I don't want to with my girls either. Especially because they'd feel weird too. It sucks when you don't have anyone. I figure I'd stop telling people I don't remember her because if she is like watching me from heaven, it might hurt her feelings. And just because I didn't know her very well doesn't mean I don't love her. I found her old wedding album... my uncle Jay looks like a moron, young and stupid. What if she's dissapointed in me.. I'm kind of a wanker. I also dress weird. What if she thinks I dress weird? What if she doesn;t like my earings or my music. Holy Christcakes... what if she doesn't like the way I am at all? Great now I'm getting paranoid. This is why I try not to think of her. That and because I miss her so much. I see how close Laura is with her mom, and how Jessica's mom tries to get close to her and she just shoves her away, and it makes me think, you know? And it's just like, I'll never have that. I mean I'm not complaining about my family. I love them. we're big and unique and fun... but I still think I'd rather have my mom than my homo aunt. I mean we're cool because we stick together, my dad's side with our whole spanish thing, my mom's side with my whole liberal thing, and then Aunt Ivonne and Cris' family and that whole italian thing. But man, sometimes I wish I just had a mom. I may appear to be uber close with my dad but we don't get along all that well. I just get so upset when people don't appreciate parents that care about them. I mean Steve disses his mom ALL of the time and complains about her constantly... If I had a mom, especially one as rad as her, I don't think I'd complain. And Rich with his aunt... it makes me sad to see how he acts with her. I mean... don;t they care that they're hurting their parents' feelings? And Jess and her mom... God her mom loves her to death, and all she does is complain about how "she doesn't understand"- newsflash! She does... she was 16 once herself. Her mom worries because she loves her. Christ, you know how long it took my dad to actually love me, or maybe show it? Years. Parents worry because they love you and want you to turn out better than they did. It doesn't been they should all be dammed to hell for not letting you have your way. Thank the Lord for unanswered prayers. Anyway I'm done and feeling more melancholy than I was before. Goddbye all.

is it strange that the first thing I think when I wake up is "find a notebook and write"? Is it weirder that the second thing I think is of that someone and think "wow, I want to shoot myself in the knee"? I've spent YEARS convincing myself of something and then it comes and smacks me in the face. And I hate being smacked in the face. Hate it hate it hate it. And all you guys who think you know who I'm talking about, you might as well give up. It isn't who you think it is, I don't even think he know's who he is.

Ahh!! Elmo licked my toe!! The bastard!!

Anyway, I really must stop myself from thinking. If I do, then maybe it'll go away.

Yeah... I'm going to go read and forget all this stuff. AUnt Lilly wants to buy me a new back pack from old navy, If I don't find anything rad there, im just gonna ask for a plain old jansport. bye bye.

And during all the sad parts, he would cry...

I saw forever in your eyes

You know what sucks hard? liking someone soooosososo much and knowing you can never ever do anything about it. That's what sucks. And I figured out what I saw in his eyes that day, it was forever.

Just a little vindictive
So I'm taking a break from Slaughter House Five, By Kurt Vonnegut, and have decided to write about my day. It basically consisted of talking to Tim and showing up extremely late for my last day of work (w00t w00t). I just spent a couple of hours at Loptard's watching Homer (He's the new hamster) repeatedly fall whilst trying to run up his excersize wheel. On more than one occaison, we walked away from his cage and sat on her bed vowing not to spend our time watching a loser like Homer run and fall through his wheel like a little moron. And on more than one occaison, we failed. It turns out that Homer is actually very interesting. Joe showed me some of the warped pics and then we flipped open Circus and it turns out that Jessie's Good Charlotte cartoon that she sent in a few months ago made the magazine. It was sososoooo cool. Anyway, that's about all. bye now.

I thought my soul would rise and fly

Tonite, as I now speak of course, the world is ending as I know it. Tonite is my last night as a free woman. Tonite, my dear friend, is the last night of summer.

So what do I have to show for the last school-free two months? Some of you might respond to this question with "nothing", that would be the obvious answer of course. But sometimes the obvious answer is not always the correct answer. I began this summer with high expectations and big dreams and sadly, most of my 'brilliant' ideas didn't quite follow through. But I find that I did indeed do alot of soul searching and learned a whole lot about my dangerously sane self. Let us begin at the start of the summer of 2003, the summer I turned 16.

Early this summer my cousin Noel stayed with us for a month. It was undoubtedly one of the most miserable months of my life, but I also had alot of fun. I thought I had forgotten to be a kid, but Noel showed me, through various annoying ways, that you don't stop playing because you grow up, you grow up because you stoped playing. He was an annoying little pest, but he was fun. When my grandpa didn't come home he'd crawl into my bed and ask if he could sleep there because he was afraid. He constantly wanted me to take him out places and told me about all his dreams. He told me I was his favorite cousin... an hour later he told me he hated my guts and stormed away, the next day I was his favorite again. That said, he also listened in on all my phone conversations, wrecked my room, lost my Tony Hawk poster, and accidentally lit the bathtub on fire. At first when he went home I was so happy to have my old life back... then it hit me: I missed the little wanker. I missed taking him on "adventures" and playing in the fire hydren, I missed the made up stories and the bragging, and for some reason, I especially missed waking up on the floor of my room in a cluster of pillows wondering why he was sprawled across my bed and I was on the floor. All in all my little prat taught me alot about life, and how it isn't all about dreaming it but living it.

Sometime after all of this, I broke up with Steve. Which was pretty similar to what I imagined hell to be like. It was just so bad. I mean, I did it for a good reason, but it was still hard. The healing process was insanely difficult, you don't just get over your first love in a week, but things have gotten easier with time. I don't mind so much just being friends anymore... I mean Steve is a cool guy and stuff. I'm pretty sure I would rather talk to him about stuff than suck face with him. Okay so thing #1 that I learned from this- It's okay to fall out of love and move on (next paragraph has more on this). And I realized how PDA-y I was. I mean... no one wants to watch you stick your tounge down your boyfriend or girlfriend's throat. It is especially un-fun for the best friends of both partners who were trying to tell you something until they started making out in their face. You know the saying "love is blind"?... well it is. I didn't even realize how I was until afterwards. I mean... I'm not complaining or anything, I so enjoy kissing... I just think it would be more fun if it wasn't in front of everyone.

After this as well, I was blessed with a crush on a friend of mine. Surprising the feeling was mutual, even though I've decided to do nothing about it. I thought I liked him alot, and for a long time too, but now that I look back on it I can't decide if I really liked him or was just infatuated with the thought of it all. Anyway, a while ago he showed a really disgusting side of himself. I don't know wether it was the real him or just a side effect of his illness, but it still made me question myself. He still hasn't apologized for being a total wanker, but whatever. I'm not all too sure I even care anymore. This part of my summer had two lessons, the one mentioned in the previous paragraph and the fact that I deserve a guy who actually cares about me and wants me around. I should not feel like I'M the lucky one.

A extremely good thing that happened this summer: I made a new friend. I shall call him Duckie. And he shall be mine. And he shall be my Duckie. For all you who don't know duckie refers to my dear old friend- Josh. Well I've known Josh for a year, but I wasn't really friends with him until this summer, when I started harassing him online. Anyway I'm really glad I met him because he's really cool even though he looks like a duck. Plus, deep down he's a shmushy mushy sappy emo boy.

This summer was also the summer of my sweet 16. It definately wasn't the traditional fancy hall kinds, but it was the best. I had most of my besties there and my family. The only downside was that no one on my dad's side came other than Marc and Rob and Cia and Stefferz couldnt make it. Otherwise it was great. I couldn't have hoped for anything better. And Elmo raped Willy. HA!

There was also the random hanging out with my friends. I saw Laura and Steven alot. We saw Pirates of the carribean and I decided that Johnny Depp is one of the sexiest men alive. Together Laura and I screamed and giggled. I hung out with Rich and his ex girlfriend once.. which was... interesting. Roma, Steve, and I crashed at Robbie's and I finally met Sam, who is perhaps even cooler than Rob. Biggest perk? I got to see Finding Nemo, pirates of the carribean a third time and I saw a baby naked Rob.

Cia's sweet 16 came around quickly. It was extremely fun and I danced the night away. And hey, now I'm Italian!

There were many nights spent at Eri's and Joe and Lindas. I missed Angie tons and I hung out with Alex a little. I went to the beach and met hot Irish guys who taught me how to body surf... stuff like that. I spent alot of time with Kim and went to the city alot with Marc... and that's pretty much it. Eri and I got lost at Riis beach and found ourselves surrounded by guys in pink thong speedos, a drag queen named Harry, and a ty-died poodle.

I'm pretty pleased with the way the summer ended- a sleepover sunday night including Laura, Erica, Stefferz, and Cia.
5 girls.
1 basement.
A hellova alot of movies.
A nest.
And a video camera.
Spells fun to me. In my opinion, it was the perfect end to a strange, but great, summer. A summer in which I changed... alot, and learned alot about my self. A summer in which I mourned Heroin Bob's death and cumulitavely with 4 others, named a bird after him. I don't know how many of you remember this blog 6 or so months ago... but let me say that it was a depressing sight. I've changed alot, and this summer probably had alot to do with it. Many things happened, some good, some bad, but somehow this summer had to be more than just a coincidence. Everything had to happen for some reason. Anyway, I'll end this now. It's been the perfect day.

Tommorrows the real end... What I'll do, I'm not quite sure. But it doesn't really matter does it?

YAY!! yay yay yay!!!

My computer has been fixed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh how I've missed my blog. Okay so here's the update...

A few days ago I got into an argument with Matt. To make the story short and slightly less frustrating I wittnessed a side of him I'm not exactly fond of. I do in fact think he's a jerk. And the funny part is that he made it look like I was the one who was missing out.

I also went to see S.W.A.T. with Steve, which was... interesting. Laura bailed on us but I still had fun.

Dinner party (sunday) was fun, slept over Laura's with Erica, Steffie, and Cia... 5 girls and a video camera... fun stuff. We stayed up all nite and watched The Mask of Zoro and listened to My Konstantine and cried and then we pigged out on wipped cream and chocolate syrup. We did the usual girl talk and had fun. Ed's dad forgot about him until nearly 2 am, it had me worried. Turns out Erica used to date Jon... tee hee. Laura's mom made awesome pancakes and we hit the park. Then I went home... and then I went to Vivian's to watch movies and stuff. I saw About Shmidt and Signs both of wich were excellent.

Today I did nothing, got yelled at, etc etc. Cleaned up a bit. Anyway Kimmy needs the pc. Laterz people. <33