What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters comparedto what lies within us.

Okay so it's new years eve again and I bet you're expecting the usual look back on 200_ (in this case 2003) as well as the goals for this new year. This year I'm not going for the merely physical goal such as losing weight or being nicer... no no no... this year I want something different.
1) I want to have a closer relationship with God.
2) I want to accept the faults in myself and see the good in others.
3) I don't want to be so stressed out and worried all the time. At least, I don't want to let it get to me like it has in previous years.
Yeah, well... I think that's a safe amount of resolutions for the coming year...

Since I'm pressed on time I'm not going to do a blow by blow detailed cover for what's happened. All in all, I learned alot about myself this year. I found out about my depression, fell in and out of love, met some of the coolest people ever (Dannie, other Danny, Ari, Charlie), I formed a close friendship with the fantastic four (Diana, Viktor, and Vicky) as well as with people like Jared, Jillian, Emil, and Josh. I met Jon (big plus) and I almost accidentally kissed other Danny. I went to warped and met some of my favorite bands. I went to an awesome sleepover party. Me and Eri partied. I became even closer to Roma and Tim. I got whats going on with me under control... kind of. I became really close with Mark, Katy, Bridget, and all of those guys. I realized that I'm okay just the way I am. That I don't need to change myself. I also realized that just because you care about someone it doesn't mean they have to care about you. In my opinion, the fellowship kinda self destructed. And I'm sick of holding my opinion back on this subject so I will share it.

I think it's really freaking stupid to hate someone because they broke up with your friend. I think it's really screwed up that it's gotten to the point where you have to choose one friend over another. I think it's retarded that Steve hates me for whatever reason... whatever happened between me and Jess happened between me and Jess... not me, Jess, and Steve. But out of the people that dislike me who were once my friends... I think he's the only one with an excuse. Rob, I don't know what's going on with him. I try to fix things with Rich... and I really really love that boy. I seriously think of him as one of my closest and most trusted friends. Unfortunately he doesn't feel the same way... but yeah, I don't think that's gonna change anything. I still really care about him... and I don't think I could stop even if I tried. Cia... I dunno what's up with her. Anyway... to all of you... I apologize for whatever the hell I did because I must have done something pretty bad to deserve this. And it's not me being sarcastic or anything... I really am sorry for whatever I did to all of you. I don't apreciate being talked about behind my back and I don't like the red sea parting whenever I join the table. Anyway... to all of you I apologize and I hope we can put whatever it was in front of us behind us.

Anyway... gotta go party. Happy new year!!

"The Last Song"

This may be the last thing that i write for long
Can you hear me smiling when i sing this song, for you and only you

As I leave will you be someone to say good-bye
As I leave will you be someone to wipe your eye
My foot is out the door, and you can't stop me now

You wanted the best, it wasn't me, will you give it back
Now i'll take the lead, when there's no more room to make it grow
I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive, is this what you want
Is this what you need, how you end up let me know.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when
I'm gone
This is the last song

The hearts start breaking as the year is gone
The dream's beginning and the time rolls on
It seems so surreal, now I sing it.
Somehow I knew that I would be this way,
Somehow I knew that I would slowly fade.
Now i'm gone, just try and stop me now.

And will you need me now, you'll find a way somehow
You want it too, I want it too.

It's the small daily occurrences that make life worth living.

I long for the object of my adoration. Haven't talked to him since christmas, please don't forget me. You're my christmas miracle.

Me and Dannie do NOT share a brain, boy Danny is a silly boy anyway.

I lover Timo, ma bestie.

bye bye mates.

Congrats to myself, not only did I lose a magnificent post but I was voted most likely to hack into the pentagon. I found it strangely endearing.

A dancing Al Capone

Today I was described as somewhere between a criminal master mind and a ballerina. A dancing Al Capone, I'll be found out by tax evasion.
Courtesy of Tim.

Got a little buzzed yesterday... My aunt put so much freakin bacardi in the coquito i almost died. So after half a glass I stopped. I do not like getting plastered. All it does is make me throw up all nite... not worth it at all.

I'm having fun with my a walk to remember soundtrack. I pranced about in my underwear and my pearls and my flowers belting out Mandy Moore's 'Cry' like you wouldn't believe. Then I put on eddie's mix cd and pranced about to Pearl Jam and switchfoot. Good times my friend, good times.

I'm rather glad I decided not to drink much last nite considering it was one of the best nites ever. I now have a christmas miracle.

My sister is a retard. She, now realizing she is a teenager, has been visited by the knowledge fairy. It's all "I know"'s and rolling of eyes with that one. Because, of course, as a teenager, she knows absolutely everything. Before we leave our aunt's house I tell her, "Don't leave your cd player in the car." and she rolls her eyes and says "I know, I know." Then in the car I tell her. "Don't forget your cd player in the car, Kim." More rolling eyes and "I know"'s. When we're about to get out of the car I tell her, "Don't forget your cd player Kim." "I know I Know I know!!" While we're going up the stairs I'm like "Kim, you have your cd player, right?" "YES JEN!! I HAVE THE DAMNED CD PLAYER!!" All of this because she has been bestowed with knowledge from the knowledge fairy and knows absolutely everything. We're in the living room and guess what she says, "Jennerz, I forgot my CD player." I had to strongly resist the urge to say "I told you so." And yet she still firmly believes she knows everything. Damned knowledge fairy.

By the way, everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I Saw a guy in a kilt today, I thought of Laura and added him to the train.

Mr. I called me a journalist. He said that I was nothing but a journalist... that he'd bet his life on my success. I nearly cried. It renewed my confidence and willingness to pursue my goals.

You know what I love? The sound those subscription cards make when folded and ripped out of a magazine. It's one of thos simple yet beautiful things nobody ever has the time to think about. My mission is to find more of beautiful things in the world.

Mon Christmas Miracle, tu J'adore. I'm getting into it expecting nothing, but hoping for everything.

FAIRY TALE

nce upon a time there has a young PROSTITUTE named JON. He was MINE RIDING in the AMIABLE forest when he met MILKY MATT, a run-away KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOR from the SMELLY Queen ROMA.

JON could see that MILKY MATT was hungry so he reached into his JAR and give him his STUPID SUSHI. MILKY MATT was thankful for JON's SUSHI, so he told JON a very MENACING story about Queen ROMA's daughter LAURA. How her mother, the SMELLY Queen ROMA, kept her locked away in a PRISON protected by a gigantic KOALA, because LAURA was so SMART.

JON WALKED. He vowed to MILKY MATT the KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOR that he would save the SMART LAURA. He would JUMP the KOALA, and take LAURA far away from her eveil mother, the SMELLY Queen ROMA, and SNOG her.

Then, all of the sudden, there was a PRETTY LIGHTNING and MILKY MATT the KNIGHT IN SHINNING ARMOR began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic KOALA from his story. SMELLY Queen ROMA ATE out from behind a PEZ DISPENSER and struck JON dead. In the far off PRISON you could hear a MOO.

THE END.

Make your own Fairy Tale at fuali.com

I am 72% Emo

Well.. I've made the cut! Now I'll go buy some promise rings and knit myself a sweater.

Take the Emo Test at fuali.com

Belly button ring! Everyone wants, everyone has,
same ol' same ol', but you're still fun to look
at and play with! ^o^


What Body Peircing Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


YOUR SO INDIE...you know a new band about every
week and love making mixtapes, you have few
friends that have good taste and music and the
rest just suck


labels suck! but which one are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla


Your Punk/Freak. You Shop at hot topic, get stoned
and like to add your own touches to your
clothes. You dislike a lot of people but you
have a good number of friends. Not to many
people hate you. Braclets, Baggy Clothes,
Colored Hair.. You have it all. You dont really
care what people think although it pisses u off
with they rag on your crazy outfits you
sometimes wear. We love you tho keep bein you!


What Label Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
erm... no.

u are not a bitch at all


are u a bitch?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am 25% Goth

Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com

I am 81% Tortured Artist

Angst, and bitter resentment drive me to create works that not a single idot will ever come close to grasping. Ah, the raw and unforgiving statements that bleed from my soul are so misunderstood.

Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com


Your signiture color is . . . BLUE: Color of
loyalty. You value spending time alone, are
reflective, and rarely overreact. Being low-
maintenance is your thing.


What's your signature color?
brought to you by Quizilla


Davey Havok will fall head over heels in love with
you! You like the way he can be trusted,
romantic and wild all at the same time! You
share the same music tastes and punky style.
You love the fact that he is hot, dark and
famous!


What Guy Will Fall Head Over Heels In Love With You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm 75% EMO, how about you?

I'm 65% hardcore EMO, how about you?

I'm 85% punk, how about you?

I'm 75% Hardcore punk, how about you?

I'm 75% Ska, how about you?

I'm 35% Kaitis, how about you?

I'm 10% loser, how about you?

I'm 60% Freak, how about you?

I'm 0% Smob, how about you?

Another reason why christmas is so great

There has been a christmas freakin miracle today. A MIRACLE.
Thats all I have to say about that.

I'll leave you with this quote:
" I know the most beautiful girl in the world. She's not beautiful because she's in shape, and she's not beautiful because she can dress sexy and get away with it. Her beauty is not defined by her tapering small eyebrows, cute nose, gorgeous lips (that send out even more gorgeous smiles), or even her amazing and captivating eyes. Furthermore, her beauty can not be amply described by the looks she gives you when she's happy and sad; nor the way your heart melts at the sight of her face when she looks happy, and cries for her when she looks sad. It is all of that aforementioned (and much more) which make her beautiful, but--most importantly--it is the fact that she doesn't know just how beautiful she truely is."

Merry Christmas to all

For a while I though Christmas was stolen. Things kept on going wrong. Then Santa came and brought be $50 in gift certificates to Afaze and Sam Goody and my cousin walked the dog. It really was a christmas miracle. Now she's awfully drunk, and I am not... and even bigger christmas miracle.

Since good friday, I have been prancing about in my christmas spirit, listening to nothing but christmas music and doing nothing but christmas-y things. So today, I will let you in on why this holiday effects me the way it does, why it brings tears to my eyes, whether it makes any sense at all or not.

Ever since before I could remember christmas eve has been the best holiday ever. It all started with thanksgiving, the prelude to christmas in which my family would all meet at my grandmas house, ever so hot and smelling of a billion different spices. All us kids (Alex, Kimmy, Angie, Erica, Daniel, and I) would wrestle or run around playing hide and go seek. There were a million games to make up and it was an entirely different world there in my grandmother's house. She'd cook Pegnuile (Maybe spelled that wrong) and Pastelles (also maybe spelled wrong) and rice and beans and chicken and salads and other kinds of food. Back then my entire family was united. Then for christmas it was basically the same thing except we were all at my Aunt Lilly's house. They'd stick all us kids (plus Steven and little Erica, who are Jewish but friends of the family) in a room until midnight, when my uncle Jr. would go to the store and at exactly the same time, Santa would come. He would always "miss" it. Once we even saw him changing into the costume, but it was so much more fun to believe he was there. We'd stare out the window and sing christmas carols and claim to see Santa's sleigh and hear bells in the middle of downtown Manhattan. Then the doorbell would ring and we'd all run and it would magically be Santa. He'd always knock first because there was no fireplace in the apartment. We'd all take turns sitting on his lap and opening the gifts and it was great. Then we'd play for a long time more, and fall asleep and wake up and do the same thing the next morning. It was fantastic.

Then christmas before my mother died (she died January 2, 1997), we had christmas at my house because she was sick and had to be in a wheele chair. I remember, she could barely talk. I don't think me and my younger cousins really understood what was going on, but Alex did. He was 13 then and perhaps even closer to my mother than me. He was the eldest boy so of course he was spoiled. I remember the look in his eyes. He didn't want to play that christmas, he just kind of sat there with my mom instead of in my room with the rest of us. Anyway I treated that christmas like every other, and it was just as fantastic. Perhaps more so because I got to play in the wheele chair after my mom laid down. I remember what she got that christmas. A patchwork quilt, I still have it and sleep with it every night. That year I got to put the angel on the tree. My dad lifted me up so I could do so. I remember she cried when she got that blanket, she tried to say "I love you" but it came out all jumbled. She was sooo happy, and so was I. Maybe in my subconscious mind I knew something would happen, I don't know.

It's amazing I remember that night in such detail, I even remember what I was wearing and how my hair was and every single present I got, when barely remember her at all. Sometimes I wish I did, maybe then I could somehow deal with it. The fact that I don't remember her much is like some big hole in my life. Like somethings missing. I mean the funeral was pretty easy. I cried because I knew she was my mother, not because I knew she was gone. It didn't even really hit me to last year, and soon after, everything went sour. Maybe that's why things happened the way they did.

Anyway, back to the story. Ever since then, christmas' have slowly dwindelled down the drain. the next year, my aunt came out of the closet and my uncle cursed her out, my dad stepped in and voilla, three bonds destroyed in one night. My dad no longer came by and neither did my aunt and Erica and Daniel. Then everyone moved upstate. My uncle stopped calling on my birthdays or anytime at all. I guess he just forgot about us since my mom wasn't there to remind him. He got married to my Aunt Suzie who's still a sweet heart. 2 years ago my Aunt Lilly came out. I'm pretty sure she was just copying of my Aunt Ivonne but I could be wrong. My uncle disowned her and my grandparents had to take his side because they're finanacially dependent on him. In the process he left me behind too. My aunt moved to Queens and last year we spent a horrible christmas in the house. It was so bad that I was home by 9 and had already opened my presents. This year was suppossed to be exception to the rule of wosening christmases. I was really looking forward to it, but my Aunt Ivonne and Chris got the flu. So I didn't see them, Erica and Daniel spent it with their dad. And me, Angie, Alex, Kimmy, Aunt Lilly, and Nancy spent it here. It was okay, I guess. But I still miss the days when we were a family. It's messed up how things can get so messed up so fast. I talked to Alex for a long while, I really love him as though he was my brother, I look up to him soo much, it's ridiculous. We talked about everything from my mom to school to friends to how messed up the family had gotten. I don't know, I guess I'm just glad he's there for me. All in all my love for christmas originated in the night my mom got that damned blanket. The joy in her eyes... I don't know, I hope that one day I'm as happy as she looked at that moment. I'm not sure it's even possible.

Sometimes I look at how Laura is with her mom, or how Jessica is with hers... and I just wish I had that, you know. I mean I love my dad to peices... but... I don't know. It's just, I guess I'm jelous. I want that relationship. And it's not even like I can work towards that, I 'll never have it. And then I look at how other people treat their parents. And I think God, humans are so stupid... It's terrible that we need to learn by experience, that we can't just take other people's word's for it, what jerks. I mean... There are some people who jsut take it all for granted... they'll never know how precious they are until they lose it. I don't know...

I saw a homeless man the other day. God I wish I could take all that pain away from him. Everyone was looking down at him... I just wanted to hug him and promise I'd change the world and make everything alright again. Make it so that he'd never have to hurt again. Imagine that. What would you do if you got kicked out of your home or had to leave for whatever reasons, and you were just so depressed that you looked towards drugs and alchohol to try and get rid of all of that pain, and you got addicted and found ourt how horrid it was, but no one was there for support to help you stop, and no one cared wether you lived or died so it didnt really matter anyway... imagine what it would be like to be completely alone? As bad as it sounds, I'd trade in my soul if that man never had to hurt again. I'd burn forever in hell if he could have a family around him and feel loved and love and never have to hurt, I'd die for it. All I could do was give him my taco, so I did. I don't know if he liked it, but I'm hoping he did. And I'm hoping someone smiled at him today and wished him a merry christmas. Just some act of love. Just so he knows, someone out there cares. I don't know, maybe I sound crazy, but that's how I feel.

I just want to make it known, I love Tim with everything I have in me. I wish I could love him "like that", but I can't. He's the one person who's always stuck by me, the one person who's never let go of my hand. He's one of my best friends. I love that boy more than I love myself, I'd die for him if necessary. I just love him with all my heart. Maybe I don't love him the way he wants/needs me to, but I love him with all I can give.

People who are fake annoy the hell out of me. People who think they're better than everyone else just because of the music they listen to or the life they live annoy me even more.

I also really care about Jon. And Matt. Those 2 are some of my favorite guys. Jon just cause he's a sweetheart, Matt because he tends to drive me crazy. Both because they're just freakin awesome.

And I love my art kids. The fantastic four (me, Diana, Vicky, and Viktor) along with Mike (the boy who's music I love), Katy, Michelle, Ally, Squirrel face (aka Jared), and Mark.

I love my sister. She is my best friend ever. The stupid little girl.

I apologized to Steve, 'twas all I could do. And to make a few things clear. I do not want Steve. I do not like Steve. But I also do not being on hatred terms with Steve. Most of all I don't like how people got involved and felt the need to choose sides. I do not like being talked about behind my back. And I do not like people pretending to be my friends. I would rather have my feeling momentarily hurt than feel like an idiot. I think that's enough for now.

Ryan is the best. I love him and his punky ways.

Anyway I'm off... talking to Jon.

Too bad I cant get what I really want for christmas.

much love,
Jen

And to all a goodnite.

All I want for christmas is yooooooooooouuu

Thing too (Girl dannie according to other danny) told other Danny that he's all I want for christmas. I will be extremely pleased if he jumps out of a big box with a bow on his head.

If nothings going on with the fellowship tuesday I might go to thing too's house... there will be a trading of cultural foods, Chile vs Puerto rico... I'll take this as a sign of peace between our families.

I went christmas shopping yesterday with girl Dannie. She was all gothed out, she looked cute and people were staring... we're like complete opposites. The gothic black lipstic chick and the emo kid... I love it. We stopped by other Danny's job to say hello and when we were leaving he was like "Wait? You guys are going? Why!?" In response thing too just kinda sat on the floor in front of the door. We all hugged and kissed goodbye and proceeded to Austin Street where I proceeded to buy lots and lots of presents with a small amount of money. I got Romsie, Ari, Angie, Kimmy, Jessuh, Timmy, Timmy's mom, something small for Larrie, Eddie, other Danny, thing too, my dad, Christina, and my grandpa. And I bought a really cool dress for christmas. It was on sale for like $12 and it was originally like $70. Am I great or what? Everyone else is getting cookies.

I went to eat at Fridays for the first time ever... it was... interesting... lol.

Gotta get Tim and Jessuh's packages shipped by tommorrow as well as do a toooon of homework today. Don't have the slightest idea as to how I manage to get it done on time.

Jess sent the coolest gift.... lots and lots of candy. it was like a huge bag of these minty things, the kind they have at dinners except with a chocolatey flavor and the little white things that they have on the snow caps candy on the bottom of each one.... soooooo goooood. I think me and thing too are going to join a Y together... Maybe we can get Roma in on it too... she lives close enough. Oh crap.... I wanted to go out with Ari today... I'm not even hooooooooome!!! Oh wellz... =(

Jon broke up with his girlfriend last nite. 75% feels really bad because I don't want him to be sad, 24% of me is a bitter little wench, and 1% of me is like hooray. As mean as that sounds...

Talked to Matt last nite... it was.... interesting. Good interesting. =)

9,056 visitors!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOT... UBER WOOT....
*does a little dance, makes a little love, gets down tonite*

Last night I tackled Erica in her sleep, she just kinda grunted and slept some more so me and Angie talked really loudly to wake her up. And Elmo got a bath... he is no longer my stinky little puppy... he now smells like coconuts.

Christmas is sooooooooooooo soooooon... I'm really really excited!! I loooooooove christmas. I spend the eve with my aunts on my mom's side and the day with my dad and his side of the family. I think for the day this year we're all going to BBQs and then to see the tree... not very traditional but very fun.

Quote of the day:
"You two could just hide under the bed and if someone here's you just say in the best Irish accent possible 'It's only us Gremlins!!'"
Song of the day:
Alicia Keys' rendition of "All I want for christmas is you"
AND
Less than Jake- Jen Doesn't like me anymore

let me explain the legacy of my nickname, coconut. Only people who are in constant contact with my family, Jon, or thing too know about it. My grandpa started calling me that because apparently I'm brown on the outside and white on the inside... according to him.... meh my dad's here. I shall continue later.

much love,
Jen

I need to wake up put on my make-up pick up the phone, nobodys home. I need to break out, get me some take out. Stand inside a crowd, I need to scream outloud, that I'll be okay.

The theme song of my life.

Today I took a much needed mental health day. Sure I've been absent tons... but none of which I could use for me-time. Nobody knows how much I needed it.

When I get 9,000 visitors I'm throwing a party. W00t.

I need to go to a concert and stand in the middle of a mosh pit and scream my lungs out and jump around and let the music take over. That's what I need.

Next week I have a most excellent plan for me and my girlies. My girlies meaning Eri (Angie will be with her dad), Kim, Bea, Natalie, Romsie, and perhaps Marielle and Laura if they so desire to participate... oooooh and Ari!!.... and Dani (If she can get doooooown here)!!!

Name: Jenise-Marie Pollock
Nick names: Jen, Jenni, Jenna, Jennipepper, Goober, JP, and coconut.
Age: 16
Best Friends: I'd say the fellowship, but theyre just my really good friends. Umm... Jessica, Timmy, Larrie, The Dannys, Bea, and of course Eri.
Best thing that ever happened to you: Steve
Worst thing that ever happened to you: Steve
Crushes?: Jon, kinda Charlie.
Best time this month: Museum with the Fantastic four (Di, Viktor, Vicky, and me) plus Squirrel face (Jared)
You feel like: A word that nobody says
favorite color: It changes from day to day, right now it's bright red.
favorite place: My roof.
Favorite sport: Basketball/swimming/feild hockey... in that order.
Most valuable possesion: Either my sketchbook, journal, or my guitar. They give me a sense of being.
Favorite person: guy: Tim/Ed girl: Kim/Erica
Love guys with: long Curly hair (Think Hyde or... erica... Drew, lol), long hair period, deep eyes, goofy smiles, vintage t-shirts, messenger bags, etc.
Favorite class: Drawing/English
You're passionate about: my heritage (both Taino- a kind of indian/puertorican AND American), children, art, writing.
You hate: Not being able to find my socks in the morning, umbrellas
You look like: Dark brown shoulder length hair, brown/hazel eyes, tanned skin, about 5'5
Best way to spend a day: Venturing to the top of the world, beach, watching a movie, and looking for shooting stars whilst eating smores.
Philosophy: a have a few adopted and my own : ":Dance like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, and live like it's heaven on earth."; "Dream as though you'll live forever, live as though you'll die today."; and "A real woman is someone to whom the sky is not the limit, but the starting point."
You in a nutshell: poetry reading, guitar playing, wrestling watching dreamer with a flair for metaphysical sonnets, orange tuxedos, and adventures.

Okay I've given up on teh quiz... taking too long. And homework must now be done.

loverz Jenzalot

PS. Lalala Girl for God's sake just come home

Bright lights.... baby baby baby!!

Still feeling kind of "meh" today. Jammed with Angie on the guitar for a couple hours today. That was rad. I haven't played in a while so my fingers are killing me. I think I'm sick, I dunno... my throat really hurts and im all dizzy. I think I've caught something bad. My belly hurts too. Just waiting for my dad to pick me up so I can sleep. First I'm cold and then I'm hot and then I'm all sweaty and meh.

Me and Angie cooked eggs and french fries for lunner. Ha.

SADAAM HAS BEEN CAUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe it's half over. Everyday my family lights two candles. One for and one for Devon. May God bless them and keep them safe.

Been listening to all this girl power music today. You know, the likes of Vannessa Carlton, Michelle Branch, Liz Phair, Lilix, etc. Plus Clay Aiken (so I like him? Big deal.), Fountains of Wayne, and Matchbox 20. That and the snow has put me into a really good mood.

I hope I get to talk to him before I leave my aunts, there are some things I'd like to discuss. I doubt he'll call after last nite, but there things that need to be said.

Diana and the whole Charlie thing still kinda makes me smile though... I dunno.

put on your yamaca its time for chanuka its so much funuka to celebrate chanuka!

Quote of the day:
Jen: meh... its so wet outside
Duckie: ehh fuck snow.
Jen: if its like this 2morrow i dunno if ill be in school
Jen: yes. Stupid snow...
Duckie: really?
Jen: yep
Duckie: in the ear.
Jen: yes, right in the ear.

i feel so stupid right now. I mean I feel like a real idiot. Apparently Jon has a girlfriend... a tiny bit of information hes managed to keep from me for as long as I've known him. I just... I mean I cannot believe I fell for it. I mean he's a great guy, don't get me wrong... and I don't think he was lying when he told me what he did. When I asked him why he even said all of that to me he told me that he did because he really couldn't stop thinking about me and he didn't know why. I don't know whether to believe him or not. God... how could I have let this happen. It was really stupid of me to let my gaurd down like that so fast. I mean... I'm not mad or anything, I really think he just screwed up, not that hes a bad guy. But I really feel stupid and I really feel hurt. I mean, Angie was here and I was kind of afraid I would cry. Because I mean... I really liked him, and I really thought we had something and I mean, who knows... maybe we did. And it could have been something really nice, but he messed it up. And if he has been honest with me from the begining, maybe I could understand... but he didn't give me a chance too. And it's not fair to me or his girlfriend. He's screwing both of us over. And I don't think he realized what he was doing till it was too late... and I guess thats really unfortunate because although I've already forgiven him and stuff, I don't think anything can happen there. I mean... God how stupid can I get? I can't believe I actually started falling for him. The first time I let my gaurd down and open up with someone since Steve and I'm already getting burned. And he said he was falling for me too and he didn't know why... and he said he felt bad... but he lied about not having a girlfriend... how can I be sure he wasn't lying about that too. And if he really did care about me why did he let it get so far before saying anything? I dunno, I guess it just really really hurt my feelings.... and he was so cool too... rr, whyd he have to mess it up by lying? Why are guys so stupid? And he was so cute... his eyebrows made me happy... and he had one of those cute/goofy smiles... and rrr... I can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for it all. I feel like such an idiot. Meh.

I bet "Jack"'s going to have a feild day with todays post... full of whining.

And he had to screw things over while I'm PMSing...

I am not going to cry. I am not going to waste tears over something as stupid as this...

Why did he do this... why did he act all sweet and say all the things he said and mean them but still have a girlfriend.

He said she was going to break up with him... yeah right. And even if she was, what was I? Back up?

And I want to believe that he actually cared but how can i?... i don't know...

I can't believe I wasted all this time talking to him. I could have been getting my homework done.

And my heart hurts.

Man, I'm an idiot.

New Revelations

Okay so I've been thinking alot lately. About absolutely everything. I haven't been myself lately... and it's been pissing me off. I've been going through some stuff lately, and I don't think I should have to pretend to be happty, which is why I've openly been weird. Anyway, here's the stuff I was thinking last nite.

Excuse the sappiness and "whining" tone.

Maybe the hurt of losing your first love necver goes away. Maybe your heart is just never the same again, lik eit never fully heals. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. It reminds you of how much you once loved that person and how you always will, even if its just with a small part of yourself. Perhaps the fact that it's taken me so long to get over him proves that I really did love him. That all of this trully was real. And maybe the fact that we're not really friends anymore is some sort of sign that I don't need him anymore. That even though I'd like him around, it isn't something neccessary to my life. Sure it sucks being the one he doesn't talk to... and I'd love to be his friend again, I've been beating myself up for like 3 months about what I did wrong, but I figure that it doesn't really matter. And that if he really loved me the way he said he did, someday, things will be okay again.

Maybe you never stop hurting. Maybe you'll always cry at some point or another. Maybe life is just a series of life altering moments, some good and some bad. Both of which leave you completely different. And like a friend once told me, nothing makes eyes look more bautiful than tears.

Maybe the people who you once considered friends (who somehow turned their back on you when you needed them most) aren't such bad people after all. They make you aware opf the good friends you do have (Larrie, Roma, Robbo, Ed, the Dannie's, Matteo, Diana, Eri, Timmy, Jon, Angie, Victor, Jill....) and somehow give you a newfound appreciation for them. They also help you to realize that no ones perfect, including yourself (and I quote a boy whos name is disclosed "I wonder what Jen's gonna whine about today...").

Maybe the father you never thought loved you really does, but isn't so great at showing it. Maybe his attempts at making you "strong for youself" are just the ways he looks out for you. Maybe he's just being the best he can.

Maybe I'm allowed to openly be a wimp sometimes. Maybe the idea that I have to be strong for myself and can never let anyone in is really just a fear of what'll happen when I do. And hey, "thats what Matt's for."

Maybe writing and thinking and dreaming isn't all there is to life. I mean they're great, but I'm pretty sure I would rather live life than just sit around all day dreaming about it. (My goal is to suck the marrow out of life...)

And finally, maybe it's time for me to step down as Queen of JenEdlandia. If Ed so chooses, the name can remain the same, but I think it may be time for Ed to find a new partner in crime. Someone more apt at being evil than me. And anyway, I'd rather be the kid paining the town my favorite color.


How do I feel lately?
Like I'm being left behind.
I feel like a word that nobody says. Like a word that doesn't exist.

The Quote of the week: "My celing is sooo big!! It goes from the floor to the ceiling... "

The bands of the week: 3 doors down and Matchbox 20
Song of the week: Bright lights- Matchbox 20
Guy of the week: Mike Moorisey/Shaun White (pro boarders)
Girl of the week: Jen O'Brien and Hannah whats-her-face (also pro boarders)

Nothings more beautiful than the faith of a child.
Nothing smells better than grass after it rains.
Nothing sounds better than a little kid screaming your name from down the block.
Nothing feels better than sand between your toes and water around your feet.
Nothings more fun than spending 3 hours raking leaves with your cousins and then proceeding to jump in.
Nothing tastes better than the snow that your best friend just shoved in your mouth.

Here's a reminder... Jen's computer had a stroke!! So email me... nysk8rchick@hotmail.com ... it'll make me feel loveded.

mucho amor dearest friends
Jennerz

Went to the doctor today, things are definately looking up. Danny got himself a girlfriend!!!! But I dunno, apparently it's just a "fling" but I do hope things work out. It really bothers me when people who make it blatantly obvious that they don't like me make it a habbit to routinely check my blog and discuss it with other members of the I-Hate-Jen club. I also hate the fact that no matter what I do, Steve and I will never really be friends. And that sucks majorly. Maybe I was rather naive to think that things would be okay. Whatever.

Today I was thinking and stuff, you know how things used to be. My mind went back to the day me and my boys ran through the girls bathroom, when we were talking about ways to kill "Bob"... you know, Kiss of the dragon style. I guess it made me smile. I miss when Rich used to come over and then come to church with me and stuff. And I miss bell blvd with Larrie. I miss going over to Cia's house and dancing around her back yard. I miss attempting to tackle Ed and trying to steal Robbie's hat. I miss hanging out with Romsie after school and talking to Kayla online. I miss how me and Steve were before we were JenandSteve, when he thought I hated him and we were content with eachother's presence. I miss playing acting games with Stefferz. I miss Scott. I miss catch the ball and our foodfights in teh woods. I really miss rich... ALOT. And I miss Rob and how we used to be best friends. I really wish I hadn't been so much of a bitch, I mean... People dislike me for a reason. It's not like I'm some great person, with some people I guess I jsut really screwed up. I know I have problems... but it's because of my anxiety. I wish people would just have the patience to get to know the real me. I miss talking to Matt about whatevers bugging me and have him (sometimes rather roughly) bring me back to reality. I miss Jessica living down in Brooklyn... I haven't seen her since my birthday and God only knows the next time we'lll see eachother. I miss playing basketball everyday afterschool and hitting the pool whenever I wanted. I miss not having to think about things all the time. I miss not worrying and just living the moment. I miss the talks of Siamese fighting fish. I miss playing BF 1942 because even though I act like I hate it, I really don't. I miss my hair being short and spiky in the back. I miss my glasses that reminded me of thunderstorms. I miss my mascara. I miss talking to Nick. I miss Sarah and Katie and Amy and Gisela and Sara from St. Johns. I miss Mr. O'neil and Ms. Olsen who was so much prettier than Ms. Best, but never got the guy. I miss having a secret crush on Jimmy without it being complicated. I miss Jon K. and how I could tell him absolutely anything. I miss beating Matt's ass (teh few times I did) at basketball. I miss how Jon M. used to pull my hair in 7th grade and how we used to tease eachother nonstop, but how at the end of the day, he was more family than anyone I ever knew. I miss playing the flute. I miss being good at something all on my own. I don't know, I just miss it.

lover you
Jen