In the process of writing a pretty decent essay based on a conversayion Me and Matt had, It's not ready for here yet sooo... QUIZ TIME!


You are Daria.
Thinks fast; Talks slow.


What Daria Character are You?
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You are Sirius Black! The dead sexy ex-convict. You
like long walks on the beach and possibly hate
Snape with a passion^^ Go you!


Which of the marauders are you?
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You are a Dark Mask, the fourth class of vampire.
You can adapt easily to any climate and
situation. Your servants are few, mostly
because you choose not to sire others. Your
chief ability is shiftery-- you can become
anyone or anything. Overall, you are a great
person. Keep us guessing.


What class of vampire are you? (more new images!)
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WERECAT (cat shifter)
Sleek Killer of the Day


What kind of shifter are you? (finished!)
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Take the Which of the 7 deadly sins are you? quiz, and visit Castle Diqueria.


... weird quizzes huh? Courtesy of Victor the great!!

Jen's insane fight? At least I tried to resolve things.

In other news I feel like crappolla, stayed home from church today and then my dad made me go out and I didnt get home till like 8 and then I had to do homework and I'm still doing homework but I'm about to pass out and blah!. lol.

I feel like word that no body says.

I saw the most beautiful little girl in the world today. My dad's friend's daughter. We were over there, hanging out, and as soon as I walk in to her room she gets on all fours and growls at me, she then proceeded to roll around the floor giggling. Her name is Kate and she's energetic and spunky and perhaps the strangest child I ever did meet. Her brother was teaching me how to box (or trying) and he was like "go on hit me!!" so I punched him lightly and as soon as Kate saw me she screamed "My turn!" and tackled him. Bathing her was also a trip. She's 3 years old and talks a mile a minute, and she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I don't know... Maybe I'm just a little crazy right now.

I just got home and I have a ton of homework but I needed to write, and well I guess I have my priorities. It's strange how I still kind of like Matt even though he doesn't [seem] to like me like that. Oh well. I could also be really honest about something else, but well... I don't want to be.

It's been a while since I wrote something actually thought provoking or expressive. Well I mean I've written, just not in here. There are just some things the world isn't ready for. I wrote a pretty good essay for speech. but I still need to edit it so it'll have to wait to be posted up here.

I'm a bit excited for Halloween. Kimmy's going to a party and I think I'll end up over Eri's with movies and candy. Hopefully we'll get Angie and maybe Roma/Claudia/Stephen to come. I hate scary movies though... I get nightmares...

Anyway I think it's time to do homework now. Love ya!!

Oh and Jess, I didnt hate you. I thought we were going to fix that but I guess I was wrong. I apologized to you and I was trying to be nice because you told me I was coming off as a b*tch, and I didn't want to because I don't hate you or anything, I'm just not good at showing I care sometimes. Anyway, you were wondering, so that's why I told you.

Bliss Tearing Eyes

'Cause you bleed all the time.
The pieces of a broken heart are wasted time.

And I can't forgive myself for all the things I've done.
But you, you do.

Bleed one more time for me.
'Cause my heart is filled with loneliness.
And this world is filled with loneliness.
Bleed one more time for me.
'Cause the struggles of this world are blistering. Blistering.

Your cells run through my veins.
The times you lifted a dead man. That's me again.

And I can't forgive myself for all the things I've done.
But you, you do.

Bleed one more time for me.
'Cause my heart is filled with loneliness.
And this world is filled with loneliness.
Bleed one more time for me.
'Cause the struggles of this world are blistering.

Bleed one more time for me.
'Cause the struggles of this world are blistering. Blistering

Courtesy of Dead Poetic

The theme song of my life.

Johnnie is the shiznit.

Jared is... well Jared.(You just look funny!!)

Jillian is the grandest.

Ed is the king.

I tried to show Jessikah that I genuinely care. But yeah, like she'd believe me.

I tried to apologize to Rich and amend things. No luck there either. I called a couple times, but he was either in the shower or busy or something, so I gave up.

I tried to fix things with my dad. But what can I expect? One day he loves me, the next day I'm the mistake in his life. I just want to make him proud of me.

I tried to be a good sister to Kim. But to no avail... I just can't seem to be what she needs.

I tried not to miss my mom. Yeah, like that's ever going to ever happen.

I tried to get over something else, also without luck.

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it isn't normal to feel the way I feel everyday of my life. All I seem to do is bring pain to others, I can't really do much right. Mayve it's just best if I stay out of everyone's life for a while. Maybe then things will be better for them.

Thank you to Jill, Jared, and Ed... for you 3 are the only ones who seem to care. I love you.

And please, if all you're going to do on this site is badmouth me, then I really don't care to hear it. Thank you.

Oh my gosh!! I love eri soo much!!
This is from her blog: (try and ignore the ghetto typing method)

i wuz readin jens blog nd it g0t me thinkin b0ut myself...i mean da funny thing is we g0ta l0t 0f da same shit g0in 0n even th0 we in diff sk00lz n we c0mplete 0pp0sites...yet we get al0ng s00 g00d n shes lik my bestest frend.she is a beautiful pers0n n0 matta wut she sayz.she is alwayz da 0ne t0 put every0ne ab0ve her even if it means she g0tta sacrifice thingz f0r herself.she sees everythin 0n an0tha level n sees beauty in wut seems t0 be da smallest thingz...like da wh0le egg thing...but h0nestly dat wuz amazing h0w she described it.i l0ve dat girl <3

And here's my egg thing:

I was drawing my egg yesterday for Ms.Buccino, and I realized the art in the egg. I mean, I saw myself in that egg. And since I was on the phone with Timmy, he was in the egg too. Let me clarify, I could see my reflection in the egg yoke, and I saw the phone in it too, and since Tim was on the other end of the phone, he was in there too. Then it was positioned in front of the window, so I saw all these lights and windows and buildings and trains. So in a sense, I captured a little part of New York... of the world, I should say... in that stupid egg. It portrayed my lense on reality, purple cellophane and all. Too bad It was in ebony, you can't really see the reflections... but I know that they are there... and so I guess that's all that really matters. In a sense, I left my mark on that egg. For a moment in time, I was in the egg, Tim was in the egg, the world was in the egg. It's amazing how so many things can possibly fit into something that small. It amazes me how you can capture so much life and emotion and everything in something so insignificant. There. Those are my thoughts on the egg.

That girl is seriously my best friend on the planet. Please we're not even friends, she's like my sister. We are complete opposites, and almsot identical at the same time. Shes one of the most beautiful people I know, she's genuinely sweet and kind. We have our stupid licking/biting/chasing fits, but we get along great. I miss her soo much... I haven't seen her in like 2 weeks. Shes like the ghetto, short, quiet, hip hop one who's not that innocent (lol), and I'm the punky, emo, loud one who's comepletely innocent. Oooooh I love my eri. Thanx luv, you madem y day!! <33

quote of the week: "there's nothing more serious than a rinocerous about to charge your ass."

Ed actually picked up on it. It really surprises me that hes the only one.

I keep on having the weirdest dream over and over. I have cancer, and I'm dying... and richard gets all of the fellowship to hate me and abandon me (By the way, this starte dbefore the whole pissfight). Jared and Emil are the only ones who stay by my side. Apparently Emil and I were going out (ew..) and he was by my bedside and i needed a bone marrow transplant but the only one that matched was Richard, and everyone was starting to forgive me and be my friend again but him, and everyone was telling him to give me the transplant but he kept on saying he didn't want to. and then emil comes in and I'm like "I'm going to die, aren't I?" and we're both crying and then I wake up. There are more details, but no need to type them. It's such a nightmare though. And it feels so real. Like I don't know its a dream until I wake up. Meh.

Ha angie wants to kick him!!!

and I quote:
ari never asked jen for her advice all jen did was make ari feel like shit, its not fare i generally like ari and she fucked it up by lying . jen is a concieted bitch who thinks shes better than everyone else. im so fucking sick of her emo shit thinking she right all the time. she told ari all i want is some ass??!!! wtf!!! oh and so everyone else knows, jen told me while she was going out with steve that she liked me and i sent her that email out of PITY. fucking cocieted thinking i actually liked her for one second. go mind ure fucking bussiness.
friendship terminated.

1. Ari did ask my advice in locker room. I said that I wanted to stay out of it, and she said that she needed me.
2. I don't get how you could be in love with some college chick on day, and genuinely like someone two days later, then again thats my opinion.
3. I am not conceited and I don't think I'm better than everyone else. In fact, its almost the opposite. I think that maybe I should be a little more selfish, maybe I won't get hurts o much that way. The whole better than everyone else thing... well I don't think that. And thats a problem.
4. "want some ass" was used as a metaphor. The way I see it (and this is because my OPINION was asked) was that Richard doesn't even know what he wants. One day he wants this girl, the next day he wants someone else, 3 days later hes over it. Thats not fair. I was mean because I love ari, and I don't want some stupid prick to hurt her anymore than shes already been hurt. She's already gone through all this stuff, and I don't think it's fair to add more to it. Boyfriends do create stress, thats just how it is. She was confused about it, because we all know that she liked this other guys ALOT until richard kissed her. Now this other guy, he woul dhave treated ari like the goddess she is. He is one of the best people I know. And he would have had the decency to wait until she got through what shes going through now. You don't take chances and break the heart of a manic depressent. Two weeks ago she was about to kill herself, she needs to heal.
5. Since when does emo make me think I'm right? I'm just a little confused about this. Emo, generally states that I'm a very emotional person. Somewhat depressed, but okay. I don't think I'm right about everything. There are plenty of things I am not sure of.
6. I told richard that i USED to like him while i was going out with Steve. Passed tense there homeslice. And the email wasnt sent until after he and Sam broke up.. months later. Sure, that was pity all right. And even if it is, I don't want anyones pity. And I used to like him like freshman year or something, I didnt date Steve till december of last year.
7. Conceited thinking someone liked me? I did not want the attraction, trust me. And the email stated something about choosing the wrong girl or some crap.
8. I wante dto stay out of it, Ari brought me into it. When some idiot hurts my best friend, or even MIGHT hurt my best friend, I get involved. thats just how I am, I don't want her to be hurt by him. And that kind of contradicts the whole conceited thing.
9. And I'm the one who makes Ari feel like crap? Should I bring your attention back to the day of the locker finasco? And kissing someone you didnt genuinely like until 3 minutes before you kissed her isn't pain inflicting? Confusion isnt a crap like feeling?

Okay, so even if I was wrong to get involved, I was the bigger man and apologized. He's the one who has to have a piss fight with himself whenever someone disagrees with him. I wanted to squash it, I sincerely apologized. His response to my sincere apology:

im sorry but the friendship is lost u told ari all i want is some ass so fuck off. and im not doing anything wrong i gerually like her and ure a bitch for telling her i dont, im tired of this emo shit and crap so i wish ud nevr talk to me again.

Okay A) you spelled Genuinely or generally, whatever wrong. You're an idiot. And if you think kissing the girl who's practically in love with one of your best friends is not wrong, you're an even bigger idiot. No one's making you put up with my emo ways, you choose it. And if you don't like me Because I'm emo, then you're a biast jerk. Whats wrong with being emo? I don't see anything wrong with it. It's how I choose to live my life. Like Richard chooses to live his life as a punk/ska/whatever guy. And i won't talk to him anymore. It makes things alot easier. And like a friend of mine pointed out, richard hates the emo crap, but he seems to have a very emo personality...

In conclusion, I am not leaving the fellowship because of some prat. And when Ari's heart does get broken, and it will.. there hasnt been a girl after Sam who hasnt been hurt by him, I get to kill him. Hooray!!!

Don't know where I belong...

Bliss tearing eyes

Theres been alot of stuff going on in my life lately. Some good, some bad, I'm not quite sure which one prevails. Josh and Jared have really been there for me.. Josh just to listen to be whine, and Jared to make me laugh and play guitar and just been the idiot he is. I had alot of fun with Emil and Jillian last week... I saw Emil's butt which was... well... interesting.

Then theres the whole Richard thing. Now I don't do this often but. I am making a public apology. I apologize for being, excuse my french, a bitch. I apologize for getting involved. However, I do not apologize for saying what i said, maybe it was imn the wrong manner. Now contrary to popular belief, I did not talk about Richard behind his back. I was asked for advice, and I gave it. My opinion was asked as well, and I gave it willingly. I did not lie. I did not say that he asked Roma out, for he didnt. All I mentioned about myself was that of an email sent to me a long while ago. And this is because I was asked. I am not someone who just enjoys badmouthing people. But if Richard does know all the hell Ari's been through with guys, and he still does whatever with her, well then I lose all respect for him. I think it's a stupid thing to end a friendship over, but if that's what he wants... well it's up to him. I am not putting this behind me yet, though. I refuse to.

Theres alot of stuff going at home, the only people who have even picked up on it are twin numero uno (Andrew), Ed, and Beatriz. I had to see a nueralogist today, apparently me and Jared see the same doctor. Weird huh? Theres som estuff "not normal"... whatever. Nothing too serious... its more annoying than anything. I went to church today, I really missed Carlos and Gil and Bea and stuff... Me and Bea caught up.. lol... many things have gone on. And I just talked with Carlos about stuff and it was good. And Gil... was just all... Gil like. Went to the diner after church, saw a really hot guy with a mohawk and his really hot friend who smiled at me and made me feel special. I'm also regaining my friendship with Jord which is good.

On a not so great note, I've gotten addicted to one of my medications. Not in the sense that I like get high or OD or anything, but I take it a few times a day because I get really awful migrains and its the only thing that stops the pain. Now my body cant really function without the medicine. Like if I don't take it I'll get pain and stuff, so they took me off those meds and upped my meds on something else and hopefully it'll even things out. Theres other stuff I just don't feel like the world knowing.

I'm so sick of the same old thing, day in and day out. I guess school is a bit of an escape from home, and the fellowship is an escape from school, and jill, Emil, and Jared are my escape from the fellowship. I don't know. Just alot of crap I need to sort through, I guess I just don't know how. Maybe it's one of those days...

And Jared is the shiznit... stupid emo kid...

sometimes you just need to be held by a friend, someone who you know will protect you from all the bad out there. I think I need that now more than ever... only I don't have it...

It feels like somethings missing...

fighting the tears
not sure of who i yet am
or am suppossed to be
cant seem to get it right
not for a while at least

I lover Josh. He is like Scott... but in duck form.

I guess it has something to do with the fact that he's the only one whos there for me when I need him most. He makes it all go away. I guess I look up to him in a way.

Still shaking, need some juice. bye.

I've got cable modem!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!

Other than that, had a panic attack without ralizing it was a panic attack this morning. Doctors suck. I need to get another EEG and where this stupid heat moniter for a day. The jerks.

I love you ed... just because you're ed!!

I am not what most people would call beautiful. In fact, I don't think even I would call myself beautiful. But I have something for more worthwhile than beauty, and that is art. Yes my friends, I am an artist. I am the girl with the messed up pony tail/bun thingy, who doesnt usually wear make up, who's white shirt has smudges of charcoal all over it. That is me. And I wouldn't change a damned thing for anything in the world.

If Josh were not Josh, I would probably like him. He has a poetic demeanor and an interesting outlook on life. But he is also the same boy who i refer to as "duck face", and he's just so... Josh. He reminds me of Scott a bit... maybe that's why I like talking to him so much. No matter.

I am pretty much convinced that all boys named Daniel are absolutely gorgeous. I haven't met one who isn't yet.

I am longing for the return of the king to come out. In fact, I am completely enthralled.

I saw the cutest thing today. I was hanging on the fire escape and I saw a very old, very tiny couple crossing the street together, hand in hand. I hope that when I reach that age, my husband still loves me enough to hold my hand like that.

I woke up this morning to the alarming fact that my sea monkeys were dead. I cried. I'm not sure which is more alarming, the fact that Socraties and Mindy and their family is dead, or the fact that I cried over sea monkeys.

I saw a walk to remember today, and during all the sad parts I would cry.

I have changed so much over the past 6 months or so. I remember not feeling anything, and being willing to trade anything if only I could feel something through these veins of mine. I'm not even sure exactly when the feeling came back, but I'm glad i

Okay. it has been an awful long time since I've written. For a while I guess I just lost all motivation. Scott was missing, My heart was still in the healing process, and I was worried to death about certain situations. When I woke up this morning my blood pressure had dropped alot and I couldn't really stand up because I was dizzy so my dad made me stay home from school. It was just a passing thing, drank some orange juice and am feeling alot better. I know I'm making very little sense, but I'm hoping spilling my thoughts out in the order they're in might help me get some answers that I've been looking for. Saturday was the scariest day of my life. I've never been more worried. Sunday I was at Eri's all day studying, monday I went to pearl paint... the smell of art makes me lightheaded and happy... and bought a few markers and blenders. Then I went to pizza hut and my dad embarrassed me in front of Daniel (Pizza hut boy) some more. Then I came home did homework and got yelled at some. Talked to Tim.. I've missed it so much. Laura kissed Steven. Let me say this once more for reality's sake, Laura kissed Steven. But yeah, I am totally and completely fine with it. Totally. I've given up on Matt, 'bout time, huh? There is some strange comfort in knowing that no matter what, Rob will always sit next to me on the Q11. The comfort being that we usually sit next to eachother, each of us listening to our cd players, half-asleep, not saying a word to eachother. Now I'm not sure if this makes any sense to you, but I guess it doesn't matter since it makes perfect sense to me. It gives me a certain sense of reality. I was drawing my egg yesterday for Ms.Buccino, and I realized the art in the egg. I mean, I saw myself in that egg. And since I was on the phone with Timmy, he was in the egg too. Let me clarify, I could see my reflection in the egg yoke, and I saw the phone in it too, and since Tim was on the other end of the phone, he was in there too. Then it was positioned in front of the window, so I saw all these lights and windows and buildings and trains. So in a sense, I captured a little part of New York... of the world, I should say... in that stupid egg. It portrayed my lense on reality, purple cellophane and all. Too bad It was in ebony, you can't really see the reflections... but I know that they are there... and so I guess that's all that really matters. In a sense, I left my mark on that egg. For a moment in time, I was in the egg, Tim was in the egg, the world was in the egg. It's amazing how so many things can possibly fit into something that small. It amazes me how you can capture so much life and emotion and everything in something so insignificant. There. Those are my thoughts on the egg. With each and every passing moment, I miss Jordan more. It's painful to see how a friendship can almost disapear so fast. But because of him and his outlook on life, I am a little more different. I don't even know where I want to go to college yet... but I'm guessing I should probably find out soon. I was looking at SVA... a freakishly amazing school. And if only I could study art and journalism there... meh. It's going to be strange when those of the fellowship go their seperate ways. I mean theres Roma whos going to Cali, Larry who's going to another country, Robbie and Steve who are both going to SVA, Ritch who's joining the airforce, K-La who's probably going to stay in new york city, and Ed who I don't even know where he wants to go. And me... well... I don't know yet. I'm considering UMASS... but I'm not sure yet. I mean I want to travel the world... and short visits aren't nearly enough to actually LEARN and be affected by the culture of another land. I don't want to be restricted to a little box called New York for the rest of my life. The world is just so big... I want to see it all. Maybe I won't be able to right away. But I plan on traveling the US before college, and then spending a semester abroad... maybe two. Then the rest will have to wait until I get lots of money. I want to go away so badly for college... but my dad and sister are playing the guilt trip on me. My dad needs my help here... Kimberly doesn't guilt me purposely... but she does. She tells me all the time how much she's going to miss me and how much she needs me here and how she doesn't want to be alone. But what about me... I need to go away... I need to find myself. I need to experience life from a different perspective. I guess what it comes down to is who's needs are more important. And I know the answer. Kimberly's. Sure you may have a different outlook, but I'm all she has. If I leave... who's going to cook? For all I know, my dad will just order pizza or chinese food everyday. she's going to be so unhealthy if I leave. Plus... she's just starting like boys and stuff like that. If I leave, whos going to make sure she's okay... who's going to have "the talk" with her? I can't just leave her... she doesn't have anyone else. And my dad is always working. She'll be home alone alot... that's not good for her. She needs someone to watch her and make sure she does her homework and eats well. Who's she going to go to for advice if I'm not here? Plus we have mice... we're both scared of mice so we sleep together and it makes us less afraid. Who's going to protect her from the mice if I'm not around!!?? She's just a little girl... I can't leave her alone. I have to stay and protect her and make sure nothing bad happens to her. That way, she can go to whatever college she wants, as far away as she wants, and be ok. And I need to make sure she's around for that. I just wish that I could go and stay at the same time. That way I could find myself, and live someplace new, and experience life... all while making sure she's okay. No. No matter what happens, I can't leave her. I just can't.