Okay, I admit, I've been such a downer lately. Just stupid things pissing me off. Writing things that I desperately want to delete, but I w ill not censor the honesty of that moment.

Anyway, I figured I'd talk about all the fun stuff thats been going on lately. As of sunday, I have been upstate at Jessuh's house and I'm having sooo much fun. I bought a nifty digital camera today, went to a roller rink where I fell numerous times resulting in a gaping hole in my arm, went 4 wheeling (yesterday), and pretended to be a 12 ft purple alien with 27 yellow toes and a glow in the dark tail. I then met a Pink Neptunian with 1 toe and a nub... he was awesome. I was about ready to marry the guy, when he started getting all mushy about watching the moon with his girlfriend... No longer a conquest, and no longer acting insane. His soup was bland, but thankfully, me and Jessie are the spice of life. This all not including all of the baking, walmart runs, driving, singing the "We like the moon, coz its so close to us. we like the moooon, but not as much as a spooooon..." song, and screaming bloody murder into pillows. I lover her.

I met this guy who looks like barbie (well, ken) today. He was soooo pretty. I only saw him for a few minutes, but apparently he's a "friend of the family"... very very pretty. Prettier than most girls I know. Kind of scary, actually.

So I'm pretty set on honor academy, I just need to send in my application. Hopefully I get it. Its located in Garden Valley, near Dallas... very flat, and very far away from my family, which was the only real plus of me being all the way over there. I'm a bit nervous about it all, but excited none the less.

Christmas day was spemt all over the place, ending with me at Mikes. Kind of sad that I spend more time at my youth leaders house than with my friends. Learned the tabs for Spoken For, and played it at Sinai along with Mike and Patu on drums. SOmewhere around 10pm that night, Christine anounced that she was singing Mary did you know, and that I was to dance with her. Something I wasn't expecting, since I don't even go to that church. Nerve racking, and I screwed up a bit, but I loved it none the less. I miss dancing.

Trying to enjoy my last day at Jessuhs, since I'm more likely than not grounded as soon as I get home. I've really got to ease down on the doing st upid things. Ah well, what can you do. If I was good all the time, his life would be so boring.

Sad that the highlight of Jessie getting her liscence pretty much comes down to the fact that we can make midnight runs to walmart and IHOP.

Ouch, my butt hurts. I need to meet someone interesting and strange and fun. Perhaps it will come soon. Okay it re ally hurts. bye

quotes I love:

"You can't proclaim yourself a ruler just because some watery tart threw a sword at you...

"Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!""


Quotes I hate:

"It was childish of me to think that any of this could linger on"

"phone tag isn't enough jen you know that...so do you want me to say...damn you were right?"

"Do you love me?" "I think so."

So I'll sit here and never think about you again, if I can.

To be completely honest, I really want to hate Matt. I really wish I could just hate him, never want to speak to him again, be thrilled with the fact that he hasn't called, that he won't call, and that after how many years, he's finally out of my life. But I don't.

I hate that he hasn't called, for the simple fact that it brings the pathetic reality that I'm the only one missing someone to light. I hate that as awful as I have felt, I still long for him. I am a glutton for pain.

Well I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of being hurt, sick of laying on the floor listening to songs that mean nothing. I hate that when people aren't up front with me. I hate that rather than just tell me the truth, he ignores it. I hate how he's gotten so good at pretending that I don't even k now if he realizes it anymore. I hate meaningless words. Why would you bother saying something you don't mean? Which he has proved time and time again.

And like a fool, I keep running back to him. I keep hoping for things that aren't going to happen. I hate being needy, and that is exactlty how I am. The sad reality is that if I ever were to be with someone, theyd really have to be heaven sent because I am the most problematic pers on I know. All I ever do is cry for my mom or cry for Drew or cry for Sco tt or Jim. Sure, I feel good sometimes... alo t of times. But theyre always there and it often comes out in weird ways. I hate asking someone to deal with me and when I finally feel confident in the fact that they actually care they do something to revoke it and I'm left in the dust again.

I hope he doesn't bother, just because it'll hurt alot now, but at least later it won't be so bad. And I hope he does, because I like him so freaking much and I thought for a moment we might've had something. I was wrong, surprise surprise. I hate that he has such a big impact on my life, even the lack ofp his prescence. People always say, "oh jen, you can do so much better." But that doesn't really help. I hope he does so that maybe, just maybe I won' t feel like I'm alone in all of this. But we all know that isn't going to happen.

He said it best himself, "Its so unbecoming of you to swear that you miss me I know you don't... and you know I'd give it all away for just one more forever after." And I hate you for it.

Trying to smile...

Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
Now I have a peace
I've never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
By the power of the cross
You've taken what was lost
And made it fully yours
And I have been redeemed
By you that spoke to me
Now I am spoken for
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
Take this world from me
Don't need it anymore...

Merry Christmas Everyone!! Here are some pictures from the evening... Not the greatest, but then again... not much was going on. Enjoy!


Lookie its me!!



Angie and Kimmy


Me again!


All I want for Christmas is You!!!


Baby!!


Singing!!


Angie


Me... again...


Merry Christmas to all!!

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Did you know
That your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you’ve delivered
Will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Did you know
That your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little boy
You’ve kissed the face of god

Mary, did you know?
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
And the dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is lord of all creation?
Did you know
That your baby boy will one day rules the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heaven’s perfect lamb?
This sleeping child you’re holding
Is the great I am

Its kind of funny. I never thought I'd regret you. I guess I was wrong.


On my knees
Before my God
Hands raised
Eyes closed
People looking
Surprise shock
They point
some laugh
Rejection class clown
I worry
But God says
"I'm all that matters"
On my knees
Before my God
Hands raised
Eyes closed
Focused and praying
Someone stops...
On our knees
Before our God
Eyes closed
People looking...

Be part of a revolution. http://30kd.org

Ubair and I lie on opposite ends of the spectrum. Ironically, I've become closer to him in 4 months than I am to people I've known for nearly 4 years. It scares me a little.

You can laugh a spineless laugh, we hope your rules and wisdom choke you.

Homework, school, lunch with Ubair, Work, and then Church... I'm going to die today.

viewing engravings like, "Megan, you are my reason" and "Only you" have made me on the sappy side. Le sigh. Anyway at work, adios.

My life consists of paper hearts and paper flowers. It is the one thing that I am certain of. Don't take that away from me. Some people hide their hearts away. They take extra special care to make sure that no one even so much as glances at it, to ensure the heart's safety. They take their paper heart and stick it in a box or a drawer so nothing happens to it. They lock it away to keep it safe. When they finally do let someone see their paper heart, they assume it has to be perfect because after all, they've hidden it away from everyone else. They spend so much time and energy protecting that stupid heart shaped peice of paper, that they forget about the paper flowers.

My paper heart isn't like that. Its worn and ripped in more that one place. Its been crumpled and flattened out again so many times that you can see the wrinkles on it from a mile away. Somewhere on that paper heart is a coffee stain. In another area there's smudged brownie mix. There are lipstick kisses and signatures and a spiderman sticker on that heart. The remnants of a cheese sandwich lurk about. My paper heart is a box-held heart's worst nightmare.

See, I don't hide my paper heart from anyone's view. I wear it on the lapel of my jacket, as if it were some tragic rose. My paper heart, though peices of it may be missing, is the most real thing I have. The most genuine. The most tangible. Listed on my paper heart are the names of my best friends, the tears I shed when Jim died, "Jen <3's Steve", The brownies I wouldn't stop making after Scott went away, The coffee that shot out of my nose when Tim made me laugh, and the lyrics to the song of a emo boy with an accent. The pieces missing aren't really gone because they belong to other things, maybe making paper flowers whole. The heart I crumpled when my mom died is the same one I flattened out when Steve came into my life. The paper heart I crumpled when Steve suddenly shot out of my life is the same one I flattened out once again on a fall day spent lying on the bridge at Holy Cow park with a few people who mean alot to me.

So maybe my paper heart isn't the most conventional thing I have. And maybe when its time to give my whole heart to someone and peices of it are missing, I'll feel differently. But my stupid paper marks who I am. It contains all the things I've vowed to let go, but knew that I couldn't possibly rid myself of. I can't "protect" it from the evils of the world because the evils of the world are part of who I am. I won't put it in a glass case, only to show to dinner guests. I won't hide it from the world. Maybe I'm just making myself vulnerable, but how do you experience the best things in life if you're too afraid to go after them?

Sooner or later I'll "give up" and throw my paper heart away again. It'll get stained, and a piece or 2 will be torn off. And perhaps that is a little less of myself to give to others. But I'm confident in the fact that I'm not the only one with a paper heart, and maybe someone will take theirs out of the box and share it with me. After all, whats the fun in having something with no indivuality. Who wants a heart all their own, no experiences, no smiles, no tears, no nothing.

Yeah. Thats what I thought.

Okay... If I double major in Youth Ministry and Film at Messiah College... after ALL fees (I'm even including the parking permit, people)... and after the one scholarship I know I definately get because of my SAT scores (not to mention if I raise it to 1400, which isn't THAT far off, my scholarship will go from $4,000 a year to $9,000 a year)... The total cost for 4 years of school will be $93,960, and I really wanna minor in Studio Art, not because I plan on a career with it, but because I love it so freaking much and am not sure that I could live without after the past 7 or so years of nothing but fine arts classes, but that would be like 18 more credits. at 3 hundred something odd dollars a credit... yeah, doesn't look like its happening unless I get some serious scholarship money.

Gah. I have no idea what I'm doing. I wish The new year wasn't coming so fast.

Every morning I wake up and think, "Oh God. What in the world am I doing up this early?" And then I remember I have AM session and pass out again. But not today my friend! I don't have to wait until Queens Blvd for my morning dose of Joe... I can get right here in the comfort of Angie's home! Of course, it isn't starbucks. But its also free. And the coffee calls out to me... cooooffeeeeeee....

Tim I'm sorry for falling alseep on you, in my dream, I was still talking to you on the phone, but I woke up and saw that we hung up half an hour later... and I know you needed me. I'm sorry =(

Anyway... 20 minutes late for school... as usual...

<33

PS I love Jan!! My polish amigo! Come to NY this weekend so we's can chill

I love Santa Clause. I love the idea of a big fat man in red suit who gives everyone presents. Why is it that no one wants to believe in him?

And now a quote from Mr. Helpful:
Madonna as...........The Slut Of Christmas Past
Britney Spears as.........The Slut Of Christmas Present
Hillary Duff (aka Lizzie McGuire) as..........The Slut Of Christmas Future
Christina Auguilera as.........The Slut No One Cares About

Although seeing Matt in November was absolutely awesome, it made everything alot more tangible. In turn, it making everything a tad bit more painful. What's kind of weird is that I've almost romantisized the pain of it all so it almost looks beautiful to me. I must be whipped. Ironically, I feel like his song, "Its so unbecoming of you to swear that you miss me, I know you don't... I'd give it all away for just one more forever after."

And I almost hate hime for it.

When did things become so complicated?

I feel like I'm losing all my friends.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. I feel like maybe I should just leave everyone alone, but I'm so lonely to begin with. I miss him.

I'm way too complicated for anyone to really be able to be with me. This adds to my blowing things completely out of proportion.

I hate complaining. No more.

whatever happened to Saturday Cartoons and my favorite holidays?

Time to ignore the irefutable truth once more.

On the bright side, Mike nominated me for this program called LEAP. Only 48 juniors/seniors in the US get selected and Mike thinks I'm definately a shoe-in which makes me feel really awesome. Especially because I don;t even go to Sinai, I just go to the cell group and they have a ton of youth there and I think they're only selected 3 or 4 total. In february, he wants me to teach a class on sexual purity in his youth group. Its just... wow... ya know? Anyway, LEAP is one month over the summer, the first 2 weeks are spent taking college courses at Eastern Mennonite University in Virginia, and the next to are spent on a missions trip in either Isreal, Gahna, or Indonesia. I'm really excited about it because my dads giving me his blessing.

In order to do Honor Academy, or Masters commission... There's alot I have to give up. I was wondering if I was willing to do it or not, when it dawned on me that thats what happens when you choose to soley focus on God for a year, other things take the back seat in your life.

Saturday night was the diner party, which was a huge success if I say so myself. I stood there hugging JK for like 10 minutes saying, "Oh my God, you're so handsom. Oh you look so nice." and him saying, "Oh Jen, you look so beautiful tonite, I love your dress. Oh Jenny I missed you so much. You look so lovely. You're so beautiful." And Jillian saying, "Girl, get your hands off my man!"

And as I try to avoid it, the truth stares at me as if I were made of glass. I hate it.

I need to paint, I can't wait until next period... I think my self portrait may take on a different look.

Only got 2 hours of sleep last nite. Talked to Matt for a while and listened to the cd he made me until I passed out.


Hey can you hear me?
I'm calling your name
Hello? Or is this goodbye?
The gleam in your eyes
It troubles my brain
Will I see it again?
So I can rest my head

Angel...Angel! Dancing away
As all of my thoughts get rearranged
Angel...Angel! Turning away
Just when thing seem
To have changed
So I can rest my head


Pretending I'm okay. <3 Jen.

i have just done the worst thing in the world... i dont even think i can forgive myself for this one. oh my god. I am an idiot.

I feel like a slut.

And no, it isn't what you're thinking.

You asked me what was wrong and I said, "Nothing." After you left, I whispered, "Everything."

" It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this right of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."

I feel the same way. I don't really have a home. I have a place to live, a place where I can keep my stuff, but not really a home. And I constantly feel so lonely... so homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I really shouldn't be listening to Bruce Springsteen at this time of night.

As if I weren't confused enough, My mind has been completely befuddled by "love" of a boy mostly absent from my life, Memories of the past, New thoughts and feelings towards a best friend, and my own inability to comprehend too many emotions. I'm sick of playing my part. Each morning I wake up, I die a little. There is something seriously off about my emotions. It hurts, but its so beautiful, its addicting.

I miss Tim so much. More than anything right now. Which is kind of funny in a morbid sort of way, because I just got off the phone with him 10 minutes ago and I've spoken to him like 6 times in the last 4 days. Everytime I hang up I feel like I have to let him go again and I hate that. Sometimes we barely say anything, we just silently listen to eachother breathing, making some weird comment every once in a while. And its wonderful. But why do I miss him? There's just something about it that I don't understand.

There's a civil war raging in my head. On one side is logic, and on the other lies my heart. And its all becomes such a bloody battle that I can no longer tell what's what. Not to mention the questioning of the sincerity on someone else's part. He's so good at pretending, even I can't tell anymore. He's like a chamelion, changing appearance with his surroundings. I can never tell what he's thinking, which is kind of unnerving, expecially because I ask alot of questions, most of which are hard to answer.


10 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME

1. I have a little tin box filled with magazine cut-outs of the word "it."

2. School tatoos my brain. I cant drive down a street without thinking about natural force and centripetal motion. I found the error in the parallel structure of a shampoo bottle once.


3. I sleep with a pillow person named "Philly."

4. If i feel someone doesn't have a genuine concern with what I have to say, I don't say it. This is sort of logical, at least in my eyes, except that it often means being a bit offguardish with people I don't know that well. As much as I love my classmates and neighbors, I'm sure they don't give a damn what I had for lunch or what my new shoes look like, so i just don't bother. Then again, such an approach is an easy way to come off as a superwench.

5. When the lights went out i used to think Slimer from the Ghost-busters would come out and eat me. I was afraid of the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. I used to think it would come through my wall or something. I had recurring dreams of strange little purple giraffe creatures, the size of houshold dogs, invading the house by the millions.

6. I enjoy polka dots.

7. I hate when people say that their picture is next to things in the dictionary.

8. I tend to correct my english teacher's grammar in my mind.

9. I someday want to major in youth ministry.

10. I can't cartwheele.



9PLACES I’VE VISITED.

1. Texas
2. Ohio
3. Puerto Rico
4. Pensylvania
5. Virginia
6. New Jersey
7. Conneticut
8. Georgia
9. Mexico



8THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE

1. write a book

2. know a million useless facts and make obscurely clever refrences in every conversation

3. get married and have kids

4. backpack across Europe

5. go on a missions trip

6. spend a whole day writing

7. spend a whole day laughing

8. mean the world to someone and have someone mean the world to me



7 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART.

1. write me a song

2. sned me flowers just because its wensday

3. love me for the dramatic overbearing person I am

4. make me laugh when I feel like crying

5. hold me when I realize I'm laughing and start crying again

6. kiss my finger tips

7. dance with me



6 THINGS I BELIEVE IN

1. God

2. love

3. kindness even when you don't want to

4. angels

5. myself

6. heaven



5 THINGS I’M AFRAID OF

1. losing someone close to me

2. scary movies

3. mice

4. losing Tim

5. disappointing the people who have worked hard to get me where I'm at today.



4OF MY FAVORITE ITEMS IN MY BEDROOM

1. bed

2. sketch book

3. guitar

4. eisel



3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY.

1. eat

2. listen to music

3. draw/paint



2 THINGS I AM TRYING NOT TO DO RIGHT NOW.

1. Call (emo) Matt

2. cry



1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW.

1. Tim/Laura


I wish I lived in the world of Shel Sliverstein.

Nebraska calls out to me...

Me: Come to the art show later!!
Ubair: What for? So I can make fun of you and pretend to like your artwork? I do that all the time without having to come back to school.
Me: Please?
Ubair: I was actually planning on hanging out with my girlfriend tonite.
Me: So bring her!!
Ubair: Not the kind of hanging out I had in mind...

I love Ubair. He came to my art show when nobody else could make it even though he said he wouldn't. Thats because even though he hates to admit it, he lurves me.

If it IS a date type thing with Mr. Journalism... does that mean I can see a movie for free? The biggest thing I miss about John besides the fingertip thing is that I didn't have to pay to go to movies I really wanted to see. Sorry, but $8.50 is alot of money to someone who doesn't have any. Anyway, doesn't matter... not interested in Mr. Journalism. I have an apple in my eye.

Wait. Of my eye? There is a peice of fruit that I am looking at. And it is an apple. Well... I mean, I'm not just sitting here staring at an apple. I'm staring at a computer screen. But there certainly is an apple there. Not here... or even remotely in the vicinity of the area, but its there. Somewhere. I think. I hope. I wouldn't know. I can never tell what that apple or watermelon or fruit or whatever is thinking. And I haven't spoken to the fruitcake in a while, and I probably won't... because, I have a life you know. Maybe not a very active one, but its there alright. And don't think I'm crazy, I don't really talk to fruit. I mean... I don't. Because the fruit never picks up his phone. Or her phone. Or its phone. Well its definately not a her, unless theres something I missed. It looked like it was a he. And your thinking, why would a peice of fruit have a phone. Well the fruit works at hollywood video while I'm crying in an airport so he can pay for a phone. Well, I wouldn't know what hollywood video would want with an apple, and I wasn't crying that much... and certainly not for a peice of fruit. I was... er... crying for the lone star state. It is the lone star state right? Why is it called that? I saw plenty of stars out there, I'm sure they keep eachother company. Speaking of company, I hope to be in good company tommorrow, but since my dad hates me I may not be. I hope so though. I'll get Claudia to convince him, she is my puppet. Well not really. She's about the size of a small hand puppet though. My dad is about the size of North Africa in comparison to her. Wait... back to the subject. There is or was an apple of my eye, or soon there will be? What the hell is an apple doing INSIDE MY EYE!? I mean... my eye is alot smaller than an apple. And now I'm confused... I forgotted what I was talking about.

I should probably go on account of the bell just ringing. I'll leave you with the story of my life:


It's nine o'clock on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man sitting next to me
Making love to his tonic and gin
He says, "Son can you play me a memory
I'm not really sure how it goes
But it's sad and it's sweet
And I knew it complete
When I wore a younger man's clothes"
Lalela Lalelaa Lala Lalelaa La
Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feeling alright
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there's someplace that he'd rather be
He says, "Bill, I believe this is killing me"
As a smile ran away from his face
"Well, I'm sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place"
Oh Lalela Lalelaa Lala Lalelaa La
Now Paul is a real estate novelist
Who never had time for a wife
And he's talking with Davy, who's still in the Navy
And probably will be for life
And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinking alone
Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feeling alright
It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday
And the manager gives me a smile
'Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see
To forget about life for a while
And the piano sounds like a carnival
And the microphone smells like a beer
And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar
And say "Man what are you doing here?"
Oh Lalela Lalelaa Lala Lalelaa La
Sing us a song you're the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well we're all in the mood for a melody
And you've got us feeling alright

I wrote this super long post about everything that happened yesterday. But I figured, maybe its an experience I should keep to myself... Maybe its time for a change in attitude.

I will say that yesterday, I went to the cemetery. I'm kind of glad I went by myself, its something I needed to do alone. Although I pretty much just layed there and cried for an hour... it was oddly relieving. I think I'll go back again sometime.

So I've been thinking alot lately and I'm pretty sure I want to go to a christian college, for youth ministry. I really believe thats like what I'm suppossed to be... what I'm suppossed to do. I don't know if its like urban youth ministry or having to do with missions or if its you know, prairie youth ministry or whatever, but I really think thats my purpose in life. Maybe not neccessarily become a youth pastor or anything... maybe write for a magazine... I don't know yet. I guess I just thought I'd share that.

I hate leaving voicemail messages. Especially on guys' phones. And with Matt, I always do. Its like a sickness. I'm like some weird stalker person who yells at him. Maybe I should just stop calling him. If he wants to talk to me he can call me. Maybe then I'll stop being so weird.

Journalism-boy wants to go see a series of unfortunate events and was wondering if I'd join him. What does that mean? Gah. Bells going to ring...

Quote of the day:
Tim: If we ever get married we're not having a christmas tree.
MeDo you really want to be soley responsible for ruining christmas for our children?
Tim: It won't be ruined if they're raised not having a christmas tree. It'll be normal for them.
Me:It doesn't matter Mr. Grinch, we're having a christmas tree.
Tim: Oh no we're not.
Me: Oh yes we are.
Tim: "Wives, submit to your husbands..."
Me: "Husbands, please your wives..." Tim, I never get to have a christmas tree and I want one.
Tim: Okay. I promise.

I am insane.

bye.

I think I'd feel much better if I screamed.

Again I think, maybe I should stop thinking about my life like its some sort of mission.

Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I talked to Danny until I fell asleep. I almost forgot how much I loved that. Not many people hate december as much as us, for us... it marks the end. It feels like there's nothing to look forward to, like you're missing out on everything. I have mixed feelings about christmas... on one hand I get possesed by the christmas spirit, and on the other I'm just really sad. It isn't a time of togetherness for my family, but a time of seperation. Christmas is always a bitch.

I look at the past year and I wonder where its gone, I didn't really do anything, and yet so much has changed. Friendships have been tested and I'm left feeling as though alot of the people I really care about have slipped away from me. But reasuringly, the friendships established long ago, that have been through so much that could have damaged it, have stayed strong. Laura, Dannie, Mairelle, Matt, Roma, Timmy, Brig, Danny, Zinc, Katy, Marvin... all of these people have become so much closer to me. They have become more like family than anything else.

On discussing how fast the year has gone by, Danny said something that sort of surprised me.
Me: "Where has the year gone... I've done nothing. I haven't made a difference in anything or anyone... Its been rather a waste of a year."
Danny: "You didn't do nothing. I'm not sure exactly where, but somewhere between March and now, you've made the transition from being a girl into being a woman. And I can vouche for one girl who's been affected by you. Remember the Dannie of 2 years ago, and look at the Dannie of now. Think about it Jen."

I don't know where I'm getting at, but there are so many thoughts running through my mind that I feel like my head is going to explode. Perhaps getting them out on here will somehow release the tension. I miss my mom. And I miss Scott. I know he's going to die. Everyone tells me to have hope... but somewhere along the line I think I lost it. I think I gave up. Yesterday I passed out while going down the stairs on my way to school. The last thing I remember is being on the floor, trying to stand and not being able to, text messaging my dad for help. Not too much damage was done, a slightly bruised rib. I don't know whats wrong with me, I just hope it passes quickly because I hate living like this. I hate being afraid all the time and worrying and not being able to sleep. I hate not being able to turn my brain off. I hate the dreams where all I hear is Laura's voice telling me that Jim's dead. I hate thinking about my mom and how awful the hospital smelled. I hate wondering of the sincerity of a certain guy in my life. I hate thinking about LOTR and Steve and the box and the valentines day heart that says "sorry I'm a compulsive liar". I hate feeling sick all of the time. I hate school and I hate my job. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Gah.

PMS much?

I've been prancing about to the Get Born album by Jet. It only took 3 hard lemonades before I started giggling for no reason. Gah. Anyway getting dressed to go christmas shopping... asta la vista <33

is it wrong that i feel totally replaced on the best friend scale by Tracey and Mia? Yeah... I know. I'm jelous. But only because my "best friend" Marielle stopped talking to me for no reason. Gah. Need to cheer up... oooo... cheese caaaaaake...

You can dress me up diamonds
You can dress me up in dirt
You can throw me like a line-man
I like it better when it hurts
Oh, I have waited here for you

You make me wanna la la
in the kitchen on the floor
I'll be a french maid
When I meet you at the door
I'm like an alley cat
Drink the milk up, I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream

You can meet me on an aero-plane
Or in the back of the bus
You can throw me like a boomerang
I'll come back and beat you up
Oh, I have waited here for you
Dont, keep me waiting

You make me wanna la la
in the kitchen on the floor
I'll be a french maid
When I meet you at the door
I'm like an alley cat
Drink the milk up, I want more
You make me wanna
You make me wanna scream

Getting sloshed with eri and dancing about.
Haha... bread lobster, I lobe you erica.

"I am the girlfriend of a sexgod, never mind the fact I'm stuck in most freezing bloody place on earth. I have finally managed to trap a sex god and he is miney mine mine!! There is a song that plays in my heart... Robbie, Oh Robbie, I... er... Lobbie you, I do, I do!!"

I am suffering from withdrawl. Sacre bloody Bleu and double le sigh.

How did I grow up without realizing it? I mean... its been a good 17 years, you think I'd notice myself changing, getting older, shaving my legs, dating guys, running off to Texas for a week... but ya know, I haven't.

When did the rain stop being an excuse to take a shower outside and become a reason to carry around an umbrella, cursing the stupid bus who splashed water on you rather than laughing about it? When did I stop running into my dads room whenever I had a bad dream? When did working at a job I hate replace playing hopscotch outside with my friends? When did I become so self-absorbed that I stopped realizing that the things I say and do, do in fact affect other people? When was catch the ball replaced with stupid highschool drama?

All of this was brought to mind by a seemingly small thing. Wensday, after my cell group, I was playing with Mikes son Gabriel. He was "beating me up" and I was tickling him. He kept laughing and screaming for me to stop, and everytime I finally did, he'd run into my leg and try to get me to tickle him some more. I remember being a kid and being thrown onto mattresses by Alex and Scott, tickled and laughing until I couldn't breathem, and begging for them to do it again and again and again. Fast forward: Everytime someone tickles me, I laugh and stuff, but I don't really ask for it or anything. I just kind of giggle and move on. Most of the time when I tell someone to stop, I mean it. What happened between then and now to evoke a change like that. To not enjoy simple pleasures, but instead be kind of annoyed by them? What happened?

I'm really wondering where everything went and why in the world it went by so fast that I didn't have a chance to latch on to things that once were so important to me. In a few months I'll be leaving home. My things will be hidden away and although I'll always have a home there, I won't really be a part of the system that was so integral to my upbringing. I'll be leaving my sister, my dad, my friends. I'll be leaving the rooftop I've always snuck up on, the bathroom I've always hidden in, and the fire escape I've always sneaken out of. My whole life is in New York... and I'm leaving it behind. It doesn't neccessarily feel bad, but it certainly is a little scary.

Christmastime always makes me nostalgic. My mom's birthday is in 5 days. She would be 42. I remember the last christmas we had with her, we hosted it in our apartment... which was kind of funny because we live in the smallest hole in the wall and we had to fit forty billion people inside of it. She couldn't really speak anymore then. Me and Kimmy had bought her a patchwork quilt with little kitties on it for christmas. It was the present she chose to open on christmas eve... she cried. She hugged us and tried to say I love you, but she couldn't because of all the sores. I remember how she wouldn't take her medicine... we had to trick her by putting it in her mashed potatoes. She saw the humor in it. I can only remember clips and peices from that christmas... its almost as if it were a movie. Like it didn't really happen to me. After she died, I did all I could to forget her... maybe not right afterward... but within a year or two. The reason I say this is because I have let her memory slide from me so much that I barely remember her anymore. Let this be a warning to anyone who has ever lost anyone that they love... don't let them slip away from you. As corny as it sounds the memory of someone can live on in you... but only if you let it. My mistake was that I let everything slip away... I was too wrapped up in myself and what I was feeling to realize how hard my dad was trying and how my sister didn't understand what was happening. Everytime my dad would try and make me go to the cemetery, I'd sit in the car because I was mad at her for leaving me. I hated her for getting sick, I hated her for dying. After a while, my dad stopped making me go altogether. Since I didn't go, my sister didn't go. And pretty soon, everyone stopped going. Everyone forgot. And it shouldn't have been that way. She was the best person I ever knew... she should have flowers everyday and he tombstone shouldn't look dusty and old like no one cares. When I was little and my dad used to make me go, he used to by extra flowers for everyone who looked as though they had been forgotten. It shouldn't be that way. You shouldn't forget. I want to go... but I'm afraid. I definately don't want to go with my family... I don't even want anyone to know where I went. Maybe I'll just have to go by myself. I made a wreathe for her... with angels and flowers and everything... aunt Ivonne brought it there when she went. Not forgotten.

I forgot what the point of all of this was, I guess it doesn't really matter though, does it? Just... Don't forget, okay?

Bye

So I'm finally back from Texas. I had a really great time, though it ended on a rather sucky note. Getting there, my flight was delayed a few hours, but thankfully I spent more than half of it discussing proper ettiquette around cowboys. And no, I am not joking.

Matt picked me up around 11:30, grabbed my hand, and shoved me into an elevator. Il est tres magnifique @ le snog. We drove back to his house, went out again for Jack in the box, and then Jeremy came by bringing a thick accent along with him and they sang and played guitar and we watched movies and home videos and stuff all night. Now let me take a break to explain Jack in the Box. It is like the white castle of Texas. Except much much better. The food is heavenly. sigh. Jack in the box was perhaps my favorite part of Texas. Somewhere around 9am Jeremy started to play ringtones on his phone resembling cheap porn flick music (you know what I'm talking about) and Matt started prancing about, and Jeremy said "Its time for one of my sexy parties!! (a la Family Guy)" and fell off the couch laughing. We proceeded to watch family guy on DVD and fall asleep.

The trip to Corpus was a long one, and I'm really thankful that Matt drove me all that long way... I know he was really tired. Inadvertent drama happened... as is usual. We had dinner with his brother and his fiancee at K-BOBs which is really country, but nice.

Anyway, had tons of fun with Marc and John (who is rather fun to stare at), went to Premont to visit family for thanksgiving, went to see Texas A&M in Kingsville. Really nice school... but its so boring I think I'd die in that town. It's literally the sticks. Roy stole the car and we drove to Mexico with Marc and John which was freaking awesome. Went back to Corpus and went to a few shows, snuck out of his window in the middle of the night to see some band play, played pool and did the usual with some of his friends, and watched PUREBLOOD (Marc, John, George, and Mike) play. It wasn't my cup of tea, but they are really talented. Met some more Texans and got asked random questions about Pizza and the price of cigarettes and then begun my travel home.

Before I get into my "Things you need to know about Texas" segment, I guess I'll mention why the trip's end wasn't quite great. It can all be summed up with the fact that Matt didn't show up at the airport when I left. He worked till 5am, my flight left at 8, he promised he'd do his best to be there... but he wasn't. And I guess that just kind of hurt. And by kind of hurt, I mean I sat in the airport crying talking to Pyro. I know I'm a big drama queen and I know I sometimes take things way to personally... but I don't know... I guess it just hurts knowing that it meant alot more to me than it did to him. I mean... I don't live around the corner, I live like 2000 miles away. Its not like I see him every so often or anything... it was just a big deal to me. And I haven't really talked to him since sunday, I guess if he wants to talk to me, he'll call. Maybe I'm just afraid he wont.

Okay, now that I'm done depressing myself... its time for another one of my great lists!!

Things you should know about Texas:
1. Its really hot during the day, and absolutely freezing at night. I guess it's something having to do with desert temperatures.
2. There are palm trees. PALM TREES!
3. The mosquitos can kill you. I have returned from the land that doesn't quite exist nearly eaten alive.
4. At Taco Bell, they say "Well now ya'll come back now, ya here!"
5. Everyone says Mam or Sir.
6. The Buses are only 25 cents and you can ride on a transfer all day.
7. The Pizza sucks.
8. You can buy a pack of cigarettes for $2.50.
9. There are no basements.
10. Everything is one floor. EVERYTHING.
11. It's really freaking flat.
12. A head cowboy is someone who is in charge of a ranch.
13. There are cacti.
14. There are only 2 seasons: fall and summer.
15. Once you say you're from New York, everyone wants to talk to you.
16. Most frequently asked question: Is pizza there really that big?"
17. Second most FAQ: "Are cigarettes really $7?"
18. You can buy tacos at McDonalds.
19. You can buy tacos everywhere.
20. The punk clubs are alot cooler than anything Redzone will ever see.