today didnt suck as much as yesterday

I hung out with Alex this morning wich was cool because we havent really even talked since last year. We both take H period so we both get there super early except he takes science research and i take dance. I got into a fight with Jord last nite and it was pretty gruesome. I felt so mean afterwards and I hope he's not horribly mad at me. hmm what else... I had last free! go me! Basically I just took the bus home with Rob and dragged him to McDonalds. Laura nearly tackled me this morning at my locker and I went flying forward but it was still cool. Right now I'm semi-talking to Matt my emo boy. He seems kind of busy so I think I'm going to leave him alone though. I love him but due to circumstances beyond our control there is no possible way for us to be together and I REALLY need to talk to him about something important but I dont wanna do it over the IM... I'd rather it be on the phone. I saw Everwood today and it is such a great show. lol. What else did I do? Oh yeah, during lunch I hung out outside with Marielle, Paco(Eric), Laura B., and other people. I'm not sure if I should sya this due to an impecable fear that Laura is going to cut off the circulation in my arm tommorrow but he (he meaning Josh the orange back pack kid) was also outside. Argh!! ihatevocab.com isnt working!!!! How am I suppossed to do my vocabulary homework now?? Wellz, I think I better go do my bio homework now so goodbye for now.

Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, just mad
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, just mad
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

The Girl in my mirror
Looking into the mirrior
I see the face of a girl I don't know
I can't stand the person staring back at me
I see the cold dark eyes
The brown whisps of hair that fly into my face
The chipped black nail polish dotting my fingernails
I see the checkered pajama pants
and the black T-shirt with the band logo
The tear stained cheeks

And why the tears, you ask
I ask myself the same question everyday
And at times I don't know exactly why
the tears fall onto my face at night
But then again,
I don't really know myself either
I'm not exactly what you would call "beautiful"
But then again
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

I have many "friends"...
but I'm not sure you could call them that
A few are, but the majority are just sheep
Following the ways of conformity
And the styles of Avril Lavinge
Also known as the Poser-queen

And then there's him
who claims to love me
And it seems so real
And in a way it's not
because all we're doing
is living in our dreams
he calls me his "dream girl"
And to me, he makes
everything right in the world
And yet he is so far away
It just figures
the one I fall for
is the one I can't have
And I wonder
Is this really "love"
And even if it is
how strong can teen angst-driven love be
And myabe just maybe
It's just something
two lonely kids made up
And maybe just maybe
I am wrong

As for the girl who lives in my mirror
Her cheeks are still stained
with the many tears that have fallen
The black nail polish
still dotting her finger nails
The heart that's missing
everything a heart should have
And though
her eyes are still cold and dark
full of anger and pain
I know they will
once again shine
and even though the emptiness
Still lingers throughout my soul
I know that this too shall pass
And maybe one day
I'll be able to look in my mirror
And instead of the angst filled
teenager that hates the world
I'll see a young woman with true beauty
That shines from the inside out
But until then
I just wont look into my mirror.

Jordan is mad at me
Just waht i needed.... only my best friend 2 leave when i needed him. Because i didn't tell him whats wrong cuz it hurts too much to even THINK about and its just something I need to get thru on my own... so he leaves me. Gee thanx... is there anything else you wanna throw at me God? I'm waitin...

I dont know
I feel empty.

I hate the world

As far as I'm concerned, The world can go screw itself. And I am perfectly content basking in my own angst-filled misery and have no problem with self pity. Go away.

Oh crap
I just finished this super long pst and microsoft being the gay freak it is closed it. Grr. Life is so not fun sometimes. Blah blah blah. I am mad... and not cuz of this. I was already mad. And now I'm even more mad. Blah... and stupid Gay-O-L is refusing 2 work. And blah. I am not happy. no I am not. And no I don't want to talk about it. At all. Ever.

I LOVE GOOD CHARLOTTE

they rock hard. I'm too tired 2 type but I had to post these quizz thingys and publicly announce my bet with Rob. It's 5 bucks for me if he gets a gf by the end of school and $5 for him if he doesnt. Ill explain tommorrow... im falling asleep.....ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

which gc guy's shoes are you?

JOOOOOEEEEEEEL............

Okay

matt just got offline. He's had a rough couple of days. He's always saying stuff like "I love you".... and when I finally say it back it doesnt get returned. Gosh that guy confuses me. Oh well.. I guess I'll pray for him.

dun dun dun

Life is boring. boring boring boring. There's nothing to say that I want to world to know.
Blah.
Anyway I'm almost done with my angst inspired journal. Not this one... My like notebook... the one I fill with all my "poetry" if you can call it that and with my short stories. I don't think I'll put it on a public blog though... it's kind of something that I just do for me. I love writing... I'm just not to keen on other people reading EVERYTHING. I'm exhausted but I still need to finish my homework and brush up on current events. I'm feeling much better today and only have a mild headache so I should be in school tommorrow. Anyway, If anyone wants to make me a happy person get me the Lord of the Rings trilogy books. I really really really really want to read them... I just don't have any money at all with wich to buy them. Maybe if I stopped dragging Rob to the mall/McDonalds every day I'd have some extra cash. Anyway I better go. Later people.

When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I feel the cool rush of skiing in the Alps, or skating in Alaska, or bobsledding in lake Placid! But, while I'm enjoying my York Peppermint patty, the rush makes me oblivious to the chocolate melting in my hands. The chocolate gets on my keyboard, my mouse, my desk and every other spot to which chocolate can stick. And when I go to throw away my York Peppermint Patty, i trip over a shoe because I'm too busy looking for a paper towel. I fall over and hit my head on the corner of my desk, cutting it deeply. The sight of my own blood causes me to throw up my York Peppermint Patty. Getting up and running to the phone to call 911, I slip on my own vomit, fall down again, and break my neck.

doo doo doo

I downloaded some Mxpx songs today wich was not really fun. Talked with Jordan on the phone. I went to the doctor cuz i keep getting so sick and my old doctor didn't really pay attention so my dad and I went to get a second opinion. Seems like my old doctor gave me a WRONG diagnosis. Know why? Cuz hes a retard. Anyway turns out theres somethingw rong with me cuz I keep getting really bad migranes and i keep getting really weak and so she told me that if I get a really horrible head ache like worse than ever to go to the emergency room because I'm at risk for stroke. IM 15 FRIGGIN YEARS OLD AND IM AT RISK FOR STROKE! My Gosh. I really am a freak. Anyway She perscribed all this crap and I have to go back to the doctor in two weeks. I'll probably have to get a CAT SCAN and stuff but oh well. I've been really confused and stuff as far as Matt goes and I'm not all too sure about how he really feels about me so Matt if your reading this please please please just TELL me and make life easier for me. Clarity is good. A few days ago I had a interesting conversation with Tim...er..Jack... yeah Jack... and I refuse to get into it all but I don't kow. It was kool... at least I think it was kool. Well I'm going to go and bask in my self conscious guilt. Later.

Why do I get so sick?
I mean it just isn't fair. No one even knows what's wrong with me. Freaking doctors can't figure it out. I'm always out of school and I can never really do anything. Gosh I just want to be normal.

emo boy emo boy emo boy emo boy emo boy

Just finished talking to him.... Gosh I've missed him so much. he's so great.

JeniNyPr: hi
SlickReservation: hey you
JeniNyPr: how have u been?
SlickReservation: missing a certain punk balerina
SlickReservation: hehe
SlickReservation: :-P
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: :-) yeah we havent talked in forever
SlickReservation: did ya miss me?
JeniNyPr: yeah... miss me?
SlickReservation: contantly
SlickReservation: hehe
JeniNyPr: :-)
SlickReservation: i've just been gone alot
JeniNyPr: yeah ive been really sick
SlickReservation: the ride to dallas sucked
SlickReservation: love sick right?
JeniNyPr: i havent been in school since wensday
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: aww
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: both lovesick and flu
SlickReservation: eww...not a good combo
JeniNyPr: i know
JeniNyPr: was dallas as a whole fun?
SlickReservation: pick one or the other
SlickReservation: lol
SlickReservation: yeah it was cool
SlickReservation: just the ride there sucked
JeniNyPr: thats good
JeniNyPr: lol
SlickReservation: somethin like tha
SlickReservation: that
JeniNyPr: yeah
JeniNyPr: blah i miss u
SlickReservation: fibber
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: :-)
JeniNyPr: u busy?
SlickReservation: just listening to mxpx
SlickReservation: nothing major
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol okay
JeniNyPr: im listenin 2 them 2
JeniNyPr: what song?
SlickReservation: GSF
JeniNyPr: kool im listenin 2 "responsibility"
SlickReservation: cool
JeniNyPr: not really but yeah
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: ur buddy icon is cute
SlickReservation: :-)
JeniNyPr: yup
JeniNyPr: :-)
SlickReservation: how did school go?
JeniNyPr: i was absent most of the week
JeniNyPr: like i said.. me sick
SlickReservation: ok
SlickReservation: how did lack of school go?
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol boring
JeniNyPr: nothing 2 do but download music and day dream and stuff
SlickReservation: day dream?
SlickReservation: sounds interesting
SlickReservation: about what
JeniNyPr: stuff
SlickReservation: really
SlickReservation: clarity rocks
SlickReservation: lol
SlickReservation: what kinda stuff?
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: emo-stuff
SlickReservation: further seems forever - pictures of shorelines and new years project
SlickReservation: two awesome songs
SlickReservation: sorry you said emo...and they are the best emo band around
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol its ok
SlickReservation: get those songs :-P
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: what have u been doing in the forever that we havent talked
SlickReservation: went to dallas
SlickReservation: lol
SlickReservation: practiced
SlickReservation: made two shows
SlickReservation: found out we're playing at homecoming
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol koolness
JeniNyPr: excited
SlickReservation: yeah they like announced it and we didn't know anything about it
JeniNyPr: yea
JeniNyPr: well um u seem kind of preoccupied so i think ill leave u alone for a bit
JeniNyPr: um well IM me when ur not busy i guess
SlickReservation: why do you always do that
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol cuz i dot like bothering ppl
JeniNyPr: i dont want 2 annoy u
SlickReservation: don't worry about it
SlickReservation: silly
JeniNyPr: ok
JeniNyPr: u kno u love my silly-ness
SlickReservation: that i do
JeniNyPr: :-)
SlickReservation: so do you miss being the angst driven good charlotte punker girl?
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: o man ur reading my journal arent u...
JeniNyPr: not really... i think i might like the way i am better
SlickReservation: of course not
SlickReservation: lol
SlickReservation: why's that
JeniNyPr: lol i dont know.. i guess im just happier
SlickReservation: :-)
JeniNyPr: :-)
SlickReservation: whatcha doin
JeniNyPr: thinking
JeniNyPr: u?
SlickReservation: that's always fun
SlickReservation: listening to further
JeniNyPr: kool
JeniNyPr: yeah i know i thin too much
SlickReservation: what ya thinkin about?
JeniNyPr: cheese
SlickReservation: what about cheese?
JeniNyPr: how cheese is good
SlickReservation: yes...yes it is
SlickReservation: know what else would be good?
SlickReservation: prolly even better?
JeniNyPr: what?
SlickReservation: to feel the softness of your lips on mineO:-)
JeniNyPr: :-) ur making me all blushy and stuff again...
SlickReservation: heh
SlickReservation: cutie
JeniNyPr: :-) i miss ur voice
JeniNyPr: what r u thinking about?
SlickReservation: homecoming
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol yeah
JeniNyPr: kool
JeniNyPr: someone thinks ur cute. "Vanillamoodswing: Hiya matty...this is kelly's friend, i saw a pic of ya and u are cute...lol, well uh kelly says that you are really cool so uh i signed ur guestbook...*Luv always* Jennie"
SlickReservation: i don't know who that is
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: okay
SlickReservation: :-P
JeniNyPr: our school is having this retarded back 2 school dance soon
SlickReservation: can i go'
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: i dont think im going 2 go...
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: im cold
SlickReservation: aww
SlickReservation: come here
SlickReservation: i'll warm ya up
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: id like that
JeniNyPr: now.... how 2 get to TX and back without anyone noticing
SlickReservation: umm
SlickReservation: who said anything about going back
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: what r ya thinking about?
SlickReservation: how much purple cheese would look like cabbage
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: :-)
SlickReservation: sound good?
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: there are things that are better
SlickReservation: like?
JeniNyPr: you
SlickReservation: no no no
JeniNyPr: yes yes yes
SlickReservation: nope
SlickReservation: lol
SlickReservation: shh
JeniNyPr: :-)
JeniNyPr: i wish i could kiss u
SlickReservation: bring it on
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol
SlickReservation: :-)
JeniNyPr: :-)
SlickReservation: you wouldnt
SlickReservation: you'd run away
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: no i wouldnt
SlickReservation: yeah you would
SlickReservation: one look at me and you'd be gonme
SlickReservation: gone*

Sick again
I've been out of school for 5 days now. And the freaking doctors tol me I had a sinus infection or something... well I went to another doctor and guess what! I HAVE THE FLU. Great huh? Anyway Today has been kind of depressing so far.
It's one of those days when I'm just really missing my mom. I mean I don't rmember her much because she was almost always sick and in the hospital... But i remember a little. I remember she was soo beautiful... she could have been a model. She was pretty tall... at least to an 8 year old. She was really nice and she could be sarcasticly funny sometimes. Like when she got mad she never really yelled at us. She'd say something "Don't make me slap you into tommorrow (a little giggle)" or "If you keep back talking me your going to be picking your teeth up of the floor with a pushbroom (bigger laugh)". I don't remember what's the last thing she said but I think she was trying to say i love you. She had fallen a few months before she died and it affected her speech so she couldn't really do anything but mumble. I remember our last christmas. We decided to bring her home because the doctors said there was nothing they could do anymore (My mother had AIDS) so we spent it at home with the family. This was before the whole "disownment" of people took place. It was the first time me, my sister, my aunts and uncle, my cousins, my grandparents, and my dad were all together. My dad didn't really get along with that part of the family so he stayed away most of the time except for this once. We cleared everything out of the living room and we put a really big tree that my mom and my sister decorated (with me of course putting the angel on top... the oldest ones always got to do this) and we made sure there was room for everyone. I remember me and my cousins waiting and waiting for my uncle to dress up as santa (we figured this out one year a little earlier when we noticed that uncle junior always always always had to "go to the store" right when santa came... but as prestigiouse 9 year olds we didnt tell my sister and Daniel, the youngest, out of fear that if no one believed theyd stop giving us alot of presents). We were waiting and waiting in my bedroom... pink at that time and full of toys. When santa came all bordem was forever lost as we opened up or gifts. Most of the other kids were already playing with their stuff. But me... me and the oldest Alex (he was 14 then), watchedmy mom open her things. I remeber she had gotten a beautiful like woven blanket. It was black and red and green and had a cat on it. I don't know how we knew... but we knew this would be the last christmas. My mom cried when she got it because she was so happy. Once again.. she tried saying "I love you" and although it sounded like "uuulubbbooo" it was still the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I like to believe that blanket was one of her most prized possesions but I never got the chance to ask. Me and my sister went back to my aunts house in manhatan the next day for winter break (my dad worked nights and days so he didnt have anyone but the nurse who stayed home with my mom to watch us). Me and my sister had a great new years eve/day and didn't think once that as soon as we got home that our lives would be changed forever. I remember when we got home it was really late at night. My sister had gone straight to sleep and me and my dad had an argument over something silly. He told me to go kiss my mother goodnite and go straight to sleep. Well I was mad and as one of those spoiled brat kids who get everything they want, I peered into my mom's bedroom and at her sleeping face... and walked out. I never kissed her goodnite. Now I look back at it in tears... I didn't think something so small like a kiss would have such an affect on me. I never knew that would be my last chance to say goodbye. The next morning I faked sick because I didn't want to go to school and take a test. My sister went though. As always the little "mommy's girl" went to the room and tried to wake her up. Usually we let her sleep but my dad told her it was alright to go into the room and say goodmorning because the terrible moans that held while she slept had subsided. Everyone thought that it was because she was feeling better, and I guess in a way, She was. My mom didn't wake up so my dad just sent my sister to school. I watched in horror as my dad tried waking her up again. First he kissed her on the cheek and said "honey wake up"... then he shook her gently. Her eyes opened. "he shook her harder and realized she wasn't getting up. It was at that moment I knew... I knew I didn't have a mom anymore. After seeing her face I bolted for the door. I ran to my best friend, Christina's house (she lived downstairs and was in reality, my God-sister) and her mom offered to let me stay there for a while. I wasn't crying alot at first... it hadn't hit me fully until the funeral. In fact it hadn't REALLY hit me until seventh grade. At that time, I didn't know my mom had AIDS. In fact I had learned about it in school and asked my dad if she had it. He told me no.... he lied to me. I guess he was just and trying to protect me though. He told me she had pnemonia... wich was true... But what made it so deadly was that she had AIDS as well. I always thought she'd get better. She always had in the past. I remember her funeral. I asked my dad if she could have a closed casket because I was scared. He said okay, but told me that early, before it started, there would be an open casket so people who wanted to, could say goodbye. My mom had a 3-day long funeral because she had so many people that loved her all over the country. People came from Florida and North Carolina and everywhere. The place was packed all three days. I didn''t even bother going to the funeral until the last day. I hid in the ladies restroom (it had a sofa) with my close friends hugging me and comforting me and just talking to me about it and trying to take my mind off the pain. On the morning of the third service, my cousin erica (also one of my best friends) and I decided to say what my mom looked like. We went in at the open casket part thing and My mom didn't look like herself. I mean she looked like an angel.... just not the same beautiful angel that was my mom. No doubt the woman in there was beautiful with the same facial features. But I know my mom would have been smiling... she always was. And she definately wouldn't have been wearing make-up (i like to think I inherited my tomboy-ness from her). She always wanted her nails done though... she just never had the time. And thats one of the things I remember. She had her nails done. I went into the restroom and cried for a long time and then someone told me to come out just for a moment. The service was going on and a girl named Elise from my church was there. She had written a song for me and my sister about all the hard times and how God would always see us through.
And she was right. even through all the terribly hard times that followed, God had always been there. And I liked to think my mom was and is there watching over us. I admit it's been hard... but my dad has been great. There are so many times that hes given everything up for me and my sister. I mean he just lost the love of his life... he just lost his wife and now he has to raise to overly-rebelious kids? My dad had so much patience with us. I mean yeah, we've had our bad times, but we have our good times too. My and my sister aren't exactly the kind of children you ask God to bless you with. We're the kind who think it's funny to drop things like water ballons out of the windows on police officers. The kind who throw snowball's at taxis and aim for open windows. We're the kind who like skatebaording.. blasting rock and roll as high as it can go. We like wrestling and kicking eachothers butts. We never were the "good" ones. We back talked, didn't mind getting slapped, and who did whatever we wanted anyway. We were the kids who wore black nail polish and listened to Led zepplin at the ages of 9 and 6. We were just us. And my dad had so much patience. And I'm the person who I am now because of him. He has to be a mom and a dad to us. I mean it was hard sometimes. I remember when I got my first period... do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to have to say "hey dad... i have my period". I mean he was all I had.(he even went to CVS and bought pads for me wich was probably horribly embarrassing as well as buying my first bra with me wich was not only embarrassing but REALLY funny) He was there through all the fights with friends, all the depressions, all the hard times. When I got in trouble at school he was there trying to help me. He always stuck up for me even when he knew I was wrong. He was there when I had my first boyfriend, my first broken heart, my first alcholic drink(:wink:). I'm not going to say he didn't get mad sometimes... but he was always there for me. My sister just turned 12 a few months ago. She doesn't have a mom and now that my dad's sick, I'm what she has. I just hope I can be there for her the way she needs me to be. Sometimes I want to smack her and just kick her butt... but I really do love her. She's my best friend. She still thinks boys are gross in a boyfriend way but kool in a friend way (she takes after me in that whoel tomboy thing). She's also an aspiring artist... like me. I know she looks up to me, not because she does everything I do, but because I'm her sister. I want to be the one whos there for her when she needs me. Through her first kiss, first fight, first broken heart. I want to be there for her always. We don't have a mom and I'm all she has. I know I complain about it alot... but mostly... I like it.
Me and my sister found a video tape not too long ago that my mom had left for us before she died. In it she said stuff like "I'll always be watching over you from heaven... and I'll be ready with my baseball glove (actually a catchers mit) to catch you when you get to heaven.(giggles)" and "I'll always love you... ALWAYS." My mom had this thing called ambition and hope. She never ever gave up.. ever. She also knew how to love people unconditionally. A good friend of mine... we'll call him "Bill"... once said to me I have the same qualities and that it's a really good thing. And that he looks up to me because of it. I like to think I got that from her. And oh yeah... Remember the blanket she got for christmas? The black and green and red one?

I still have that blanket.

Grr im so stupid

Another conversation with Timmykins... and i meant to save it. But i got so nervous and stuff after the last thing I said that i just closed it and tried 2 get offline before him. blah. Well Matts not coming on 2nite. i might as well leave. Goodnight world

more emo boy

You guessedit. He's still away. Now he just left. It's torture seeing his name and knowing I couldn't talk to him when I missed him so much. I don't know.

Gee I am such a sap.

My emo boy
Matt is online now but his status is set to away. I hope we talk tonight because we haven't talked in so long and I really miss him. I'm just wondering if he's missed me....

Ick

Jordan is in a wicked mood. He did pretty poorly on a calculus test and fears he might loose his scholarships. When I tried to talk to him about it he got kind of mad and If he were the violent type I would have feared my head being bitten off. Anyway, I'm feeling MUCH better today although I still stayed home sick. Basically I watched reruns of little house on the prairie and downloaded lots of music. I also read that article on how christian rock is bad and whatever. Then I wrote about it. Lets see what did I download today?

Ace Troubleshooter - Kiss goodnight
Audio Adrenaline- Hands and feet
Carman- Awesome God
Five Iron Frenzy- Awesome God, Nintendo
Pillar- Fire proof
Super chick- Barlowe girls
Sonic Flood- Did you feel the mountains tremble
DC talk- Jesus freak
Thirday day and Cademons call- You are holy
Mxpx- the video for "responsibility"

BTW All of these are christian rock bands

Anyway I'm going to go find something to eat. Much love <3333 byeeeeee

take the nerd test.


and go to mewing.net. a nerd utopia.

Grrr

Right now I'm reading an article about how "sinful" christian rock is. The author of the piece continuouly brings up examples of how "horrible" some christian artists are. He keeps on talking about how they committed adultury and whatnot. Yeah I know it's wrong what some of these artists did... But who are we to judge. Isn't it written somewhere in the bibl ethat no sin is greater than another (except blasphemy...) and isn't it written that we shouldn't judge others. Haven't we all sinned? I think it's wrong to go and say mean stuff about people and then use it against ALL of christian rock. Yes, some artists aren't really christian at all. But what about the few that are. They claim it as the "devil's music" and it isnt fair. Why should a TYPE of music be worse than another type if the lyrics are christian. Grr I'm upset. What about lyrics like that of Hillsongs "And lord how wide you open up your arms when I need your love. And how far you will come if ever I was lost and you said taht all you feel for me is undying love. That you showed me through the cross. I'll worship you my God. I worship you my God. I love you I love you. Forever I will sing Forever I will be with you. be with u." Now please tell me someone. How is that glorifying satan, huh? If your really praising God and you mean it with all your heart I don't think that rock is wrong. God sees your heart.... I don't think he's gonna send us to hell for listening to christian rock. The author is also bashing abouthow someof the artists look. And I'm not talking lack-of-clothing-like-britney spears stuff. I'm talking "OHHHH... Long hair... Rebellious Nirvana style Goatee....shame shame shame" stuff. Doesn't God look at our hearts. I personally hate when People judge me by the way I look and I know most people hate it too... Why sould we judge others like that? Who cares if he has long hair and a goatee.... What's so un-christian about that? WHere in the bible does it say that guys can't wear long hair or have a goatee? And yes some rock isn't christian at all.... But still. Some is. And I don't think people should go around Rock-Bashing because they think it's evil. The point is, Christian rock is reaching thousands of teenagers and young adults all over. It's glorifying God while not boring us to death and driving us away from him at the same time. I don't like old hymns and stuff. They make me sleep. I just can't stand it. Doesn't God want us to be interested in Him. I don't think I'd even bother with christian music if all it was was hymns and stuff. God really moves and stuff through christian rock. Miriam and Bea... and all the other teens form SHOBC. Didn't God work at Blizzard through the rock music? What about all the youth who went to ATF(aquire the fire)? Didn't God work then? If christian rock is still labeled as satan's music... Why would God do such great things during the concerts and stuff? Yeah some people aren't in it for the saving of souls. Some young people are just all about "Oh my Gosh.... that guy from Audio Adrenaline is HOOOOOT!!" and yeah maybe thats wrong. But what about all the people who are in it for the music? And aren't we allowed to be attracted to christian musicians? I know that I am particularly fond Matt Thiessen from Relient K. But thats not why I like their music. In fact, I like him because of the music. One of these days go listen to the lyrics. All the guys are really young and around 19 years old so of course teenagers can relate to their songs. Not only are they really funny, God seeking guys... But they're not afraid to show it. If any of you have been to a concert or seen them perfrom live you know how awesome some these bands are. You know how God moves through the concerts.I was particularly upset about the way they blew everything about Micheal W. Smith WAAAAAAAY out of porportion:

One of the most disturbing performers is Michael W. Smith. The "idol" of screaming young Christian girls, Inside Music, Jan/Feb 91, says, "His concerts draw hundreds of thousands of fans each year, mostly teenage girls who scream out their AFFECTION FOR HIM non-stop throughout. . . . To his fans, Smith is the absolute greatest there is, BAR NONE . . ." THE ABSOLUTE GREATEST THERE IS, BAR NONE —Can any honest person who has remotely read the Bible — possibly believe God the Holy Spirit is involved in Smith's idol-worshipping music? What a mockery of the Lord Jesus Christ, who "made himself of no reputation" (Philippians 2:7). Compare Smith to John the Baptist who said in John 3:30, "He must increase, but I MUST DECREASE". Or the Apostle Paul in 1 Cor. 4:13, ". . . we are made as the FILTH OF THE WORLD, and are the offscouring of all things unto this day."

Jesus said in John 12:43, "For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God."

On the back of Smith's album The Big Picture, is Michael W. Smith — BACKWARDS! A common satanic practice, taught by satanist Aliester Crowley (Crowley is very popular in the rock music world). Crowley gives instructions to the satanist:



". . .train himself to think BACKWARDS by external means, as set forth here following.
(a) Let him learn to write BACKWARDS. . .
(b) Let him learn to walk BACKWARDS. . .
(c) Let him. . . listen to phonograph records REVERSED
(d) Let him practise speaking BACKWARDS. . .
(e) Let him learn to read BACKWARDS. . ."
(Aleister Crowley, Magick In Theory And Practice)
Having counseled teenagers in satanism, I know one of the first signs of satanic influence is writing backwards!

..............................
Carman:

Webster dictionary defines "blasphemy" as "lack of reverence for God." Blasphemy saturates Christian rock, such as the blasphemous "humor" of Carman Dominic Licciardello, better known as Carman. His blasphemous, street-jive, dialogue between John the Baptist and Jesus Christ as teenagers on his video Live. . . Radically Saved is digusting! Here's a sample of Carman's blasphemy:



JOHN: "Hey man, Hey cuz, Whatchoo doin man? I ain't seen you in a long time. HEY, BABY." (John calling Jesus baby!) Jesus turns and says, "Hey, what's up, John?" See, Jesus is always cool; he's always together. He's got his thing together, y' know, Then Carman blasphemously imitates the Lord Jesus Christ walking hip-jive doing what Carman calls "THE MESSIAH WALK". UNGODLY! BLASPHEMY!
JOHN: "This is wild, brother, now I don't know. Man, I never had anybody in my family MAKE IT BIG . . ." Listen to it.
Jesus "MADE IT BIG"? Jesus Christ died a curse for sinful man! See Gal. 3:13, 2 Cor 5:17! Jesus Christ was "despised and rejected of men" (Isa 53:3). Is "MAKING IT BIG" being beaten, smitten, spit upon, mocked and crucified?

Carman's Resurrection Rap video is some of the lowest BLASPHEMY I've ever seen! In the video, Carman portrays the Lord Jesus Christ as a confused street hippie, while the pharisees and apostles are black street gang members! The crucifixion takes place, not on Calvary — but in a back alley gang fight! The Lord Jesus Christ is buried in a GARBAGE DUMPSTER. And naturally Carman includes the occult (Carman's videos are soaked in occult imagery!) as satanic tarot cards tell the Calvary story!
On Carman's "The Standard" album is the sacrilegious (at least!) "Who's in the House", in which Carman crudely, refers to the Lord Jesus Christ as "J.C.":


You take Him high
You take Him low
You take J.C. wherever you go
Now tell me, who...who...who...who...who...who?
Tell me who's in the house? J.C.
Tell me who's in the house? J.C.
Tell me who's in the house? J.C.
Tell me who's in the house? J.C.
Jesus Christ is in the house today .
Now, in your wildest dreams, could you possibly imagine the Apostle Paul referring to the Lord Jesus Christ as J.C.? Here's what the Apostle Paul says about the name of Jesus Christ in Philippians 2:
..................................
DC Talk

Like the group dc Talk... Ecclesiastes 1:9 says, " . . .there is NO NEW THING under the sun." But that was before dc Talk came along, as they sing, "God is doin' a NU THANG through our music" (they can't spell either!).

And where did DC Talk get together? At Jerry Falwell's Liberty University! And what does Brother Falwell think of his "rapping-rockers"? In Calendar magazine, (Spr/Sum, 1991, p.8) Falwell says, "During Toby, Michael, and Kevin's tenure at Liberty University, it was obvious to me that God had great plans for these three young men and their powerful program . . ." That's quite a statement by Brother Falwell, considering that Kevin was kicked out of Liberty for a "drinking" problem!



Toby Mckeehan says, "Music is our tool. Our MESSAGE is CHRIST." (The Birmingham News, Aug. 9, 1996 p.2H) Remember that last statement — "Our message is CHRIST".

On their album "Free At Last", they do a cover of the Doobie Brother's song (in case you don't know — a "doobie" is a marijuana joint) "Jesus is Just Alright".(to DC Talk Jesus is "still alright") Webster defines "all right" as 1) well enough 2) satisfactory (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, 1977 p. 31) Listen to it.

Let's get something straight dc Talk! Jesus Christ is not "alright"! Jesus Christ is NOT 1) well enough 2) and satisfactory! Jesus Christ is the Lord of Lords and the King of Kings!

DC Talk's newest release is called "Jesus Freak". In Music News, April, 1996, Toby McKeehan, says:

"'Jesus Freak' is obviously a throw back phrase. It was a negative phrase back in the late sixties, and early seventies. If you were a 'Jesus Freak', that was people talking down to you. We've chosen to take the OPPOSITE approach and say that, that's something to be happy about. The word freak, I actually looked it up in the dictionary as I was writing the song. The third definition in the copy of Webster's I have says the word freak is a noun, an ardent enthusiast. It simply says you're a sports freak, it just means you love sports, your an ardent enthusiast. You can label us Jesus freaks."
"Freak" has always been and will always be a NEGATIVE word! I also looked it up in Webster's dictionary and here's what it also reads: "a person or animal with a physical oddity who appears in a circus sideshow", or "a sexual deviate", or "a person who uses an illicit drug".(Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary, 1977, p.457)

To even remotely "connect" the wonderful Lord Jesus Christ to a word with the possible meaning of a word such as "FREAK" is sacrilege, at best!
NO CHRISTIAN, following the Lord Jesus Christ would be "listening" to Nirvana! On their song "Stay Away" they sing "God is gay"! dc Talk not only "listens" to but ACTUALLY sings a song by a group that say's "God is a homosexual!" I got news for dc Talk — "God is NOT gay!".

And dc Talk has the audacity to claim, "Qur message is Christ"!


(personally I love being called a Jesus freak because to me it just means that I love the Lord and I don;t care what people call me. I like that song and there's nothing negative about being called a Jesus freak. In fact... my email adress is Jesusfrk_731@hotmail.com SO THERE. And also, Has the dude realized that no ones PERFECT? EVERYONE sins... We were born into it. Some people struggle with music. And I'm christian. Does that mean since i listen to secular bands like Something corporate and New found glory that im not christian? I don't think so.)
...........................
Point of Grace

There's no mistaking the new age/satanic influence of the group Earth, Wind and Fire. They blatantly flaunt occult symbolism, such as the all-seeing eye of Horus, zodiac signs, pyramids, hexagrams, the Egyptian ankh, and many more on their albums. To show the ultimate blasphemy, they even name one of their albums "I AM" — a name reserved for God! The album "I AM" has a cross of Christ in the center with an embryo and an old man in the center with a temple in the foreground. Their song "Serpentine Fire" is based on the new age teachings found in Shah Kriza Yogi Meditation Cult.

Surely "goody-goody" CCM's "Point of Grace" wouldn't sing ANYTHING by "new-age-occultic" Earth, Wind and Fire"?


OH YES THEY WOULD!
On Point of Grace's album "Life, Love and Other Mysteries" is "Sing A Song" by Earth, Wind and Fire". The writer of "Sing A Song" is Maurice White — a life-long Buddhist!

(some one do me a favor and download one of Point of grace's songs and listen to it. Then tell me how satanic it is okay? I actually sang a song in church like a month ago be them called keep the candle burning [When ur down and ur discouraged when the darkness clouds ur views, uve got to gather up ur courage u know the lord is gonna see u thru. When ur walkin in the dead of night and ur soul is churnin when ur hope seems outta sight keep the candle burning....] )
....................
jars of clay

Surely, no Christian would "listen" to songs by satanist Ozzy Osbourne!

Jars of Clay, not ONLY "listens" to satanic Ozzy Osbourne, but they're so "INFLUENCED" by satanic Ozzy (THIS IS HARD TO BELIEVE!) — JARS OF CLAY SING "CRAZY TRAIN" BY "SATANIC" OZZY OSBOURNE DURING THEIR "CHRISTIAN" CONCERTS!

Some of the "satanic" lyrics to "Crazy Train":

Crazy, but that's how it goes. . .
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train
I've listened to preachers
I've listened to fools. . .
Crazy, I just cannot bear
I'm living with something that just isn't fair
Mental wounds not healing
Who and what's to blame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

Is there ANYBODY that is so "spiritually" BLIND that they could POSSIBLY think Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train: would be obeying Ephesians 5:19, "Speaking to yourselves in PSALMS and HYMNS and SPIRITUAL SONGS, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;"

(This one really bugged me because Jars of clay is my favorite band of all time. Go to a concert and see how God moves... just see. It's like blizzard all over again. Go and download their songs. "Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him Someday He'll call us and we will come running and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray I want to fall in love with You, my heart beats for You." - Love song for a savior... gee thats real satanic... NOT)
...........................
Audio Adrenaline

got news for Audio Adrenaline and their "new age" lyrics!
All of the answers, will NOT come from WITHIN

If you get ANY real ANSWERS — they'll come from ONLY the word of God and the Lord Jesus Christ! I've had Christian rockers [Now, there's an oxymoron!] tell me Audio Adrenaline is really singing "all of the answers are come from him". It sure doesn't sou"> 1 Corinthians 14:15 says, "I will sing with the spirit, and I will sing with the UNDERSTANDING also." Nobody, but a carnal CCMer, trying to justify their LUST for rock music, could possibly "understand" Audio Adrenaline is singing about Jesus Christ in "Free Ride" [or about 90% of CCM]. I know, why do I keep quoting the Bible? I know this is "supposedly" CHRISTIAN Contemporary Music but – what has the Bible got to do with it — after all "I get such a blessing", "they love the Lord", "it's better than worldly rock", "thousands are getting saved" (Ha! we'll discuss this in length in another article), "the old hymns won't reach the youth" — who cares if they continually disobey the clear teachings of the Word of God! After all – what does God, the Bible and the Lord Jesus Christ have to do with CHRISTIAN Contemporary Music?

(someone go download that song and tell me how bad and satanic it is.)
.........................................

I know this was a really REALLY long entry but I wasn't in school today and I had alot to say so there.And yeah now alot of you people who read my blog who don't know me probably think I'm some kind of jesus freak. And I am... and I'm proud of it. I just hate the way some people say Christian rock is bad when It's not. I also don't think it's our place to judge others. Maybe I'm wrong... But hey this my journal and I think I have a right to state my opinions. This is the way I see things. Welcome to my so called life.

Cant sleep
its 1:40 am and I cant sleep. I have a horrible headache. And I miss Matt. And I can't sleep.
Blah.

Blah Blah Blah

I feel sick once again. I don't want to miss anymore school though. ick. I feel gross. Just now I was praying to God that Matt would be online... but I shoulda known he wouldn't be online. I have this strange need to phscoanalyze absolutely everything so like half of the part of my brain that we humans actually use is thinking "maybe he doesn't want to talk to me... maybe "us" and the whol "L" word thing freaked him out and maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me". The other half of that part of my brain is saying "gosh Jen, stop it. Your insane. He told you he was going away to Dallas for a few days. You don't want to be like one of those annoying girls who won't let their guy do anything without harassing them." I don't know. It's just I'm so unconfident sometimes that I can't help thinking that maybe he doesn't like me. You have no idea how annoying that is sometimes. I annoy myself with it... I wonder if it annoys him. I don't know. I just miss him so much. And you know what will suck tremendously? If I'm the only one missing someone. If I'm the only one who can't stop talking about the other. I don't know. He tells me he cares and that he misses me and last time we talked that he "L" word's me but I just don't know. I hope he does. Gosh I miss him. I miss him sooooooososososososososososososoooo much. I feel bad for Laura because i'm always talking about him. Jordan's another one who has to sit there and listen to my ramblings. I don't think Timmy minds it much and Lop Tard is gioing through the same stuff. Jessie doesn't even read this anymore because she lost the URL. And poor Rob. He read's this and theres not much to interest him. Well Rob you better read this post because just for you I'm going to type violent things.DECAPITATION! GUTTING! ZOMBIES BAWLING OUT HUMANS EYES WITH THERE GREEN FINGERS!

Oh man I just read Jordan's blog and I'm like tearing. I love him so much he's my best friend in the world. I'm so confused about like my feelings and stuff now. I don't know. I finally meet a guy(Matt) who is like so cool and my idea of perfect and then the only other guy I know who is perfect stumbles along after 2 years of me secretly liking him. I start to think I've finally gotten over "bill" and now I just don't know. I don't want to think about it. And I just want him to know that I'll ALWAYS love him. ALWAYS. maybe not the same kind of love... but always love him. He's my best friend... I'll never stop caring. I just don't know what to say. I don't. And I'm missing Matt so much. And blah... I make no sense... I'm just going to shuttup now. Yeah.

Talking with Timmy

Sometimes we're so retarded. I think that's why we get along so well. Tim's breaking up with his girlfriend for reasons I will not disclose but he's having a really hard time and God is giving him strength just like i said. Back when I was secretly crushing on Tim aka one of my clostest friends, or Guy X as I like to call him. We were talking and he saved the convo. Then his mom read it. I just found out. He's grounded and stuff for a while and I'm so like embarrassed because I said some way stupid stuff in there. I'm not going to say anything about that conversation though other than what I just said. As always I'm JeniNyPr and he is Bluefishbonepunk....dont ask...long story. Before I end this though I'd like to tell Jordan that I lover him and he'll always be my bestie. ALWAYS. Oh crapola. I just closed to convo with Tim... :-( i wanted to save it. Oh well. I'l survive.

BlueFishbonePunk: man im all wierd.
BlueFishbonePunk: you liked me when I liked you......
BlueFishbonePunk: but we were too "smart" for that.
BlueFishbonePunk: now look at us......
BlueFishbonePunk: both in love with people WAAAAAAY far away
BlueFishbonePunk: lol
BlueFishbonePunk: its funny
BlueFishbonePunk: God's sense of humour is awsome cool
JeniNyPr: lol
BlueFishbonePunk: im bore ed
JeniNyPr: i can tell
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: im still in awe of the fact that u liked me when i liked u and i didnt even like do anything
BlueFishbonePunk: yeah i know.
BlueFishbonePunk: man we musta been REAAAAAAALY retarded.
BlueFishbonePunk: lol
JeniNyPr: lol yeah i think we still are
JeniNyPr: thats why we make such good friends
BlueFishbonePunk: 8-)
BlueFishbonePunk: yeah.
JeniNyPr: yeah
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: gosh ur mom read that ahh lol
BlueFishbonePunk: yeah
JeniNyPr: yeah lol sorry
JeniNyPr: ima shuttup now
BlueFishbonePunk: shadap?
BlueFishbonePunk: naw.

Are you an alpha, beta, or gamma girl?

~In life, most people choose to follow the crowd, I choose to lead it
~You know what happens to popular people...They get fat.
~God gave us mouths that close and ears that don't, that should tell us something.
~When you judge others, you don't define them, you define yourself.
~RAP - retards attempting poetry.
~Punk's not dead, its just taking a nap.
~A good friend bails you out of jail...but a BEST friend is sitting in the cell next 2 you saying "damn that was fun"
~I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.
~Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
~All that is gold does not glitter,Not all those who wander are lost.

Hey people check out Lop Tard's cousins band. Theyre pretty good. theyre called Shovel Head. Also I have a new email address. Jesusfrk_731@hotmail.com and Laindia512@hotmail.com are still up but I check the new one more. Jen's new email addy= nysk8rchick@hotmail.com

You're AIM, probably the most popular instant messenger out there. The bad thing is that you're run by a bunch of corporate assholes, but what isn't nowadays?

Gee... I feel so special.... not.

I'm really really bored. I talked to Chris for a little while online today wich was okay i guess. Lop tard (Jessie A.) might cum over later on I guess. I want to go out and skateboard but I can't because my dad's an over protective jerk and thinks that If I accomplish a kickflip I'm going to fall and break my head and die a painful death. I'm semi-hyper but I don't really have anyone to talk to. I probably should do my homework but as always, I'm going to procrastinate until the very last possible moment. I don't even know what I'd call Jordan and my relationship anymore. We used to be best friends and I'm hoping we still are. We have so many stupid fights over nothing really lately. Over her mostly. i really miss the way we used to be. I don't know. It just seems like he's growing up and getting a life without me. We're like in two different places in life. I don't know how to explain it. I just don't. I'm begining to wonder when I'll talk to Matt again. I really really miss him. We haven't talked in so long... I mean in reality it's only been a week... but it still feels like such a long time. My blog entries have becom unbearibly boring. I just don't really have anything interesting to say anymore. My sarcastic wit is begining o fail me. Anyway yeah... God I really miss him.... I miss him so much. And it really really hurts. And I don't even know why. Isn't this whole "love" thing suppossed to feel good? Blah. I don't even know what I'm saying. Anyway I'll hopefully talk to my emo boy later. If anything interesting happens I'll update.
<33 adios

I have had a slight ego boost

My good friend Tim used to like me. lol I think it's so funny. It was such a long time ago but he admitted it. Go me!!! SUPASTAR!!! The reason I think it's funny is because back then... when I was young and stupid I used to like him too. It's okay though because he's one of my closest friends and like the brother I never had. He has his girlie and I have my Matt wich is really good except for the minor fact that my Matt lives a billion miles away and I haven't talked to him for a week. I was pretty down last nite about it and then I talked to Timmy and he made me feel better. He's everything a brother would be. I mean he's really kool and funny and knows how to make me feel better when I'm down. When I'm all self conscious and stuff about the way I look he makes me feel beautiful (in that loving friend sort of way). He's gross (he has this gas-thing). And he knows exactly how I feel about Matt because he's gone through the same exact thing (except from the guys point of view). He always gives great advice and I don't know. I just really care about him. Plus he used to like me (that was before he knew I was complete and total freak....) wich gives me that ultra ego boost.Anyway I'm going to shuttup now. Later. And Matt... I "L" word you.

:-(

Oh God I'm really missing Matt. Does anyone out there have the slightest idea how it feels to not be able to have th one person you want most. Let me tell you... It hurts. I haven't talked to him in almost a week now and I really miss him. He lives so far away :-(. The last time we talked (on the phone) he said the "L" word and then I talked to him once more the next day. I haven't talked to him since though and I really really miss him. I'm not even sure about how he feels about me.. I don't know. He said he "L" worded me, but I can't help having some doubts. I don't know. No one who I "L" worded has actually "L" worded me back and I guess it just kind of freaks me out a bit. I don't know. I just miss him soo bad. I hope I talk to him soon. I know he went to Dallas for a few days but I'm not sure when he left or when he's coming back. Blah I just want to hear his voice again. I just want to kiss him. I just want him to hold me. No screw that... I just want to touch him.. to be in the same room as him. To know he's there. Gosh why am I being such a sap? But just hearing his voice and the stupid nicknames he has for me makes me melt. "Punk monkey".... I let the boy call me "punk monkey". Last time we talked on the phone I was practically in tears. It just hurts so much knowing how far away he is. And it hurts just wanting to be in the same room as him and knowing you can't be. I told myself so many times when I met him that I didnt want to fall for him. I really really didn't. I was perfectly fine being my usual cynical sarcastic Good Charlotte loving self. But no... now it's too late. All I can do is hope that I don't get hurt out of this. That's all I can do. I have absolutely no control and you have know idea how much that scares me. I let myself completely go... and 've never done that before. Letting myself go meant giving up all the control I had over myself. It meant risking getting hurt. I really didn't want to let go, but it's too late. I couldn't help it. He's just so perfect. I just hope he's as perfect as he seems... I hope that me letting go wasn't a mistake. And most of all I hope that I don't get hurt... and if I do, that I'll move on.

Sara's sweet 16
My good ole friend Sara's sweet 16 is october 5. We haven't seen eachother since 8th grade like 2 years ago. I don't know any of her friends and stfuf and I'm suppossed to go to this party. And even though I'll feel utterly stupid not knowing anyone, I'll still come because she is my friend and I lover her. I can only expect the same when my time of need arises. I also need to bring someone with me. Matt is obviously out of the question with him being in Texas and all. So if anyone out there wants to come with me let me know!!!

I miss my Matt but lookie... quizzes!!!



Kool!!!!!!!

target="new">
border=0>


Which Character from The Last Unicorn Are YOU?

Find out now! Only from href="http://quizjunkie.tripod.com">the Quiz Junkie
Unicorns are pretty :-)




What is your best personality trait?
gee.... this makes me just so much more self confident...

ahhh!!

Okay so the images screwed up the template so I had to ditch them. so sorry!!

Okay

I just added some new links and added a few buttons and such and I want to see how it looks and make sure I didn't totally screw up the html... so yeah. This is just a test.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!

Crossroads

I just finished watching the Britney Spears-infested movie, Crossroads, wich much to my surprise was a really great movie. What Britney lacks in musical talent and clothing, she makes up in acting skills. I could actually feel for her character. Like she seemed so real. That my friend, is what we call "good acting". Plus the guy is really hot. I was absent today again and I will hopefully be in school on monday. Robby didn't get my message so now I am text-book less wich means I cannot do my homework wich means my teacher is going to kill me. Mr.I is generally pretty nice and funny and stuff... but he's big on thewhole "you have to do your homework to pass my class" thing. Right now I'm reading a really good blog called "Listless thoughts" and he's a pretty good writer considering its a journal-type weblog. Jackson aka the author is a pretty basic teenager and I don't know.. it's just fun reading about his life I guess. Anyway in other news I still haven't talked to Matt and I really do miss him. I don't know how to describe what I feel about him. I'mnot really sure what love is so I don't know if it's that. But I don't know... it's like just talking to him makes everything right in the world. And yeah I know it sounds so sappy, but I can't help it. A few months ago I was your typical cynical troubled "i hate life" angsty rock-loving teenager. I was all about Anarchy and hating the world. I don't even know what I am now. I know I'm not depressed anymore. I mean there are days when I feel horrible and hate the world and I just want to throw something or blow up an oxygen tank but as soon as I talk to Matt, I'm not mad anymore. It's really hard dealing with the fact that no matter how we feel we can't together. He's all the way in Texas and I'm stuck here in NY. He wants me to go there for college. I want to stay in the city. I want to study art or music. I want to be a rock star and prove everyone wrong. I don't want the sky to be the limit, but the starting point. I wantto live in a big city you know? I grew up in Manhattan and Queens and I don't even know if I could deal with living in the middle of nowhere suburbia, USA. I mean I'm freaking 15 years old... I'm not like planning my marriage and stuff yet. I just don't know. It's so bad wanting someone so much... more than anything... and not being able to have them. I'll hopefully see Matt this summer. Hopefully. I'm not even sure what I want yet. I know I want to do something with either Art or Music... those are my passions. But I'm not totally sure yet. I mean I want to live. I don't want to get married at a young age. I want to experience life, go on a road trip with my best friends (Laura, Steff, Jessie...all you guys). I want to play guitar , I want to mosh at warped tour. There's just so much I want to do. I've decided I'm not letting anything get in the way of my dreams. I mean I don't even know what I feel for Matt and I'm already like planning out my life. Geez, am I paranoid or what? But the whole point of me reflecting upon my life story and dreams is to state the fact that I'm not letting anyone get in my way. Like I said before, I want the sky to be the starting point, not the limit... And that's exactly how I'm going to make my life happen.

new stuff

Yes, I have a new template. You may be wondering why I changed it because my old one was pretty darn kool. Well, if you must know, I screwed up the html while tweaking my site for the best. I strongly believe it was time for a change anyway. This new template better fits my needs and it was easier to kind of personalize and make my own as far as html goes. Also, it's very clean and fresh and since I refuse to become depressed I have gone for a lighter cooler color. Plus green rocks. It has something to do with serendipity and optimism or something. whatever. Anyway in other news, I'm really awfully sick today. I went to the doctor and stuff and I'm not deathly ill or anything. He gave me some anti-biotics and some Allegra. Turns out I just may have asthma... yay...NOT. I'm hoping Rob got my message to get my english book for me, if not I'm screwed because I have ALOT of homework due monday. I can do the rest with what I have here... but I desperately need my English lit. book. I have to do this outline and stuff. Anyway I'm going to go watch Cross roads right now because I'm sick and basking in my pain. I have a sore throat so maybe I'll have one of those cherry ice-popsicle things. Also... I miss my Matt. And I miss my Laura and Steffie and Rob. Being sick has it's disadvantages. Not only have I not seen my best friends, talked to my emo boy, or had art class in days... I also haven't been able to go to dance. How depressing. Anyway I best go take my medication. Later.

Lifestyles of the rich and the famous....

GOOD CHARLOTTE ROCKZ!!!!!

blah
I feel like crap and my blog is refusing to work and I can't sign on to AIM and i havent talked to the freaking boy of my dreams in almost a week. I am blah.

wacka wacka wacka

I've come to the sudden realization that me and Jordan aren'tnearly as close as we used to be. He's still my best friend but we seem a little distant. I don't know why but it saddens my heart. I think it'll pass. Maybe it's just one of those weird times all friends go through that makes them stronger in the end. I don't know. Basically, I'm writing to see if my tweaking with the html is making this site look okay and to make sure I haven't completely ruined it. ta ta for now.

Just finished talking to Chris

Chris is way kool. I'm surprised we weren't friends last year. I don't know. We just have alot in common I guess and he doesn't make me feel like he's just around to be around. Like he's not looking into my eyes/ staring into my soul, trying to find all the things I'm trying to hide. He doesn't care about that. He's not just one of those people you call a friend just to be nice. He's one of the few that care.

Blah

I REALLY miss my emo boy... ALOT.

Which Boyband Member Is For You?

OTOWN?????? ::barfs::


Which 10 Things I Hate About You Character Are You?


href="http://www.catwalkqueen.net">What's Your Perfect Teen Movie?

Heathe Ledger.... :-)


Who's Your Clueless Love Match?

I always thought he was hot...


Who's Your Josie Alter-ego?


href="http://www.catwalkqueen.net">Which Literary Heroine Are You?


href="http://www.catwalkqueen.net">What's You Designer Style?
Conformity=GAY

I refuse to conform.

SIck.... again

This morning I passed out again and I'm starting to get a bit worried. I mean I don't feel sick other than the whole passing out thing and migranes. But other than that I feel fine. I feel really bad because I borrowed Chris' notebook yesterday so I could copy down notes and then give it back to him and then I was absent and he needed his notebook today and I feel sooooooo bad. :-( I'll call him later today and since he lives pretty close by maybe we could meet up somehwere and I can giv ehim his notebook because I don't know if I'll be in school tommorrow. This is really bad because it's still the begining of the year and I've already been absent twice. I'm hoping that maybe if I get sick in the begining I won't get sick later on in the year. If I'm absent tommorrow I'm going to see if maybe Rob can get my books and I can somehow get it from him after school because I have ALOT of homework due monday. Maybe Chris can get it for me because he lives closer to me but I don't know... we're not really good friends so I don't know if it'll sound weird me asking him for favors and stuff. Plus he gets rides to and from school so I don't know if his mom will be up for bringing books to me. I don't know but I really need to do the work over this weekend because it's too much to finish in one day. I'd ask Laura to get my crap for me but she lives so far away that it'll be a pain for my dad to get it from her. I don't know. I guess I'll try and call Chris around 3:30 or 4:00 and see what I can do. I don't know but I just feel so bad that I have his stuff when he needed it. blah.

Rob is insane
He is the most violent kid I know. Check out his blog if you don't believe me. And the scary thing is, he's probably the person I hang out most with at prep because we take the 40 minute bus ride together home from school and we're in the same Cor and Religion class. Rob and Joy.... I hope I never get on their bad side, Not only would they like blow my head off of me, they'de torture me slowly. Rob is way into like making movies and stuff and I have this gut feeling that one day he's going to be winning MTV awards and Grammys and stuff for his movies. He's a "tad" bit violent but as far as from what I hear, way talented. Anyway I'm going to go sleep and then wake up at the crack of dawn and finish my homework. Goodnight all. Adios. And Matt I "L"word you.

Oh yeah

All must rejoice for Rob was born 16 years ago on March 27.

And yes Rob... even though I freak you out I still lover you!! your my bud!!

I am a sap

I MISS MY EMO BOY!!!!!!
I haven't talked 2 him in a few days and I miss him. :-( I hope i talk to him soon. Anyway in other news I feel much better today. I saw Chris in the halls and he nearly scared me to death. he like jumped up behind me when me and Eric(Paco) were walking up the stairs and I like screamed. I'm getting better at dance and stuff. After school Rob dragged me and Joy to this stupid video game gay-O store. Then when wanted to go to Claires and the nget something to eat he started complaining. Joy was rambling on to some kid on the bus about bio club (ick!) and then I saw Greg!!! I missed Greggy so much!. Anyway since you have no idea who the hell Greg is unless you went to grammar school with me I'll let you know. I've known Greg since I was four and we used to be really good friends. Then we went to different highschools so we didnt talk at all. I haven't even seen him in two years but it was good to see him today. We traded email addys and stuff. Then I went home. And did homework, and took a nap, and cam online hoping my emo boy would be on... but no... Matt refuses to come online. Whatever, I hope I talk to him soon though. Well gosh I better go finish my homework now because it's getting late and I have to wake up at the crack of dawn tommorrow. Much love<333 and if my Matt is reading this... I "L" word you!!!


Laura... I know your laughing... or throwing up... and I have one word to tell you... "JOSH"

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

Gee this makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. It just convinces me that I'm not as much of a freak as I thought I was... thank you so very much... NOT.

:-(

I passed out about half an hour ago and I'm getting a little scared that I'm goingto get really sick again last year. I'm definately going to TRY and go to school tommorrow though. And the jerk I call dad didn't even care that I passed out. He was oh why do you have to do that when we have company over? He didn't even ask if I was okay. Stupid Jerk. I got mad and then he said sorry and asked if I was alright. A little late huh... I have like such a migrane. I am in PAIN. :-( I hope my emo boy comes online tonight though. I doubt it. I don't remember exactly when, but I know he was suppossed to go out of town. Anyway I'm going to go lay down and sulk in my pain.

I am soooo sick

I feel like crap...literally. I woke up throwing up this morning and I didn't go to school. Sugar Buns called me and yelled atme and then said she hoped I'd feel better and Kelly said hi to during Cor. I don't know what to say so I'm gonna go and sleep. bye bye.

Everwood

I just watched Everwood's first episode on the WB11... It is a wicked awesome show and all of you better watch it. It airs Monday's at 9:00pm on the WB. In other news I feel sooo sick. I just want to throw up. I'm not sure if I'll be going to school tommorrow because I really feel horrible. I don't have any tests or anything so it'll be okay if I miss a day. I hope I don't get sick like last year though. I have a weak immune system and when I get a cold it takes it's toll on me like I have the flu. And I don't just get sick for a few days. It lasts weeks and weeks. Last year I missed an entire month of school in a row because I got so sick that I couldn't walk and I kept on passing out. Hopefully I'll be fine though. I don't know whether I'll talk to Matt tonight, I talked to him for a while earlier today but he had someone over his house so we didn't really go in depth all though he made a few comments about how he wished he could kiss me and that the reason we live so far away from eachother is because if he was here, his world would make sense. He also used his nicknames for me a bit..."Punk monkey" and "Dream girl"...yeah I know...it's weird but I like it. Anyway I'm REALLY sick, so I think I'm going to go. Maybe I'll talk to my emoboy later.

Sugar Buns

Instead of using the nickname Pyro for referring to Laura(my bestie) I will now be calling her Sugar Buns. Thankyouverymuch.


SUGAR BUNS!!!!!

My stupid and disfunctional family

I am convinced that I have themost disfunctional family...ever. My dad is such a pain and the biggest jerk among other profain things. And you guessed it... we just had ANOTHER fight. Now I don't know how often I'll be getting online wich means I don't know how often I'll talk to my matt... :-( Blah. It's too depressing to think about.

I am Rapunzel!

Find your fairy tale character at kelly.moranweb.com.





I'm exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Twelve
angels descended from Heaven, each
putting a piece of themselves
into those
who would follow them....
Which Angel rests inside
you?
Challenge their trial to
find out.

Angel...riiiight...

which song describes you the best?

TRAVIS....


Take the quiz here!
That makes me feel a whole lot better about my life....

The "L" word

Last night was soooo good. I was on the phone with my emo boy until 1:00 am and he is the sweetest most romantic guy. He's just so perfect. It's depressing knowing that we can't REALLY be together. When I told him about how I fell for the one guy i cant have. His reply was something to the extent of, You can have me... we just live far away from eachother. Yesterday we had our first "I love you"... and for the first time, it didn't completely freak me out. And I actually said it back to him.. meaning it. If you know me, you know how hard it is for me to say the word "love".... And you also know how insesnitive I can be when it comes to "romance"... but now everything is different. I don't know. I'm going to spare you most of the things he said so that you don't think I'm a total freak. He's just soo romantic and perfect though. I don't know... I told Tim that I didn't want to get emotionally attatched to Matt because I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to let myself go, letting myself go completely was one of things I feared most. I don't know what's going to happen in the future but it's a bit late to try not to fall for him.... So I'm just hoping I don't get hurt out of this. Everyone has that idea of the perfect boy/girl... everything u want in the world rolled up in one... well Matt is my everything. And i know that I sound completely sappy and I'm really hoping Laura isn't throwing up after reading this. But I can't help how I feel... I don't know how to explain it. But I do know I love my emo boy. It just hurts knowing that he lives far away and I don't when I'll see him next.... I don't want to think about it now though. Too depressing. And yes... In case your wondering, I still have that stupid smile on my face.

Emo boy emo boy emo boy emo boy emo boy

He is by far the most romantic just about perfect guy in the world. And it's not like eww get away from me romantic. It's like I'm now breathless romantic. Oh God... I want to be with him soooooo bad. Im about to call him so bye bye for now.

I have made a decision

I have come to the conclusion that Texas is way too far away from NY. All the states in between are pretty useless so when I become sole ruler of the world I'll blow em up. then Texas will be close to Ny and I won't feel so sad. AND I'll have my emo boy. :-)

Blah

I just spent an hour blow drying my hair out striaght just to realize that I have dance tommorrow morning so I have to wear it in a pony tale anyway.Me and my dad are on semi-speaking terms. It's not angry ., just akward and extremely sarcastic/cynical. I'm afraid I have alot of his traits including the sarcastic wit. We could proabably go on all day just insulting eachother and making sarcastic remarks if he didn't have such a short temper. Anyway I am refusing to feel sorry for myself and therefore since I cannot skateboard I can't play my guitar because it's electric and it would make too much noise, I have turned to my blog and my art. I'm not going to go down to his level and be mean because then Id be just as bad as him and I really don't want to be anything like him. Plus, I just talked to Jordan for a bit wich raised my spirits and my emo boy is on so I guess I'll be able to talk to him, even if it's just for a bit. Things will get better at home, I know they will. Maybe not now or soon... but they will eventually. I'm hoping I see Chris tommorrow because he's way kool. Maybe I'll hangout with Marielle too. Anyway, I'm going to go talk to my emo boy. So later.

By the way... Since I'm always talking about "my emo boy" maybe you people who don't know me should know that he's not my boyfriend. He lives in Texas so I mean all we can REALLY do is talk. But still... he's my emo boy and he makes me melt. And all you people who say I should just get over it because of the distance can go and suffer in your own opinions.

grr

Me and my dad got into anotehr semi-argument about skateboarding. I was trying to tell him how I can almost ollie and he like yelled at me. He went into all this crap about how he's going to break it the first chance he gets and how when I fall and break my head he's going to laugh in my face. Whatever. I hate him anyway. I was like, well I thought I could talk to you about anything. And then he says, everything but that. He says that about everything that means alot to me. He says it about some of my friends my ex-boyfriend my skateboarding my rock.... everything. God, I can't even talk to him about a freaking sport without him going postal. I really can't stand him. And know what? I'm NOT going to talk to him abouit anything unles I have to. I'm not going to tell him about my school or my friends or anything going on in my life. I'll say hi and I'll say I love you even when I don't want to... but I won't talk to him. He won't be my friend anymore and instead of sitting with him and talking withhim for a while when I get home. I'll hug him and go in my room. And when he asks stuff like "how was ur day" i'll just shrug and move on. He doesn't want to talk to me about things that mean alot to me so he just won't talk to me period. Screw him. I'm mad and this weekend has totally sucked. Whatever. I can't wait till college.

SlickReservation: silly girl
SlickReservation: :-P
JeniNyPr: u know u like my sillyness... in makes me "unique"
SlickReservation: :-P
SlickReservation: i like a lot more than your sillyness
SlickReservation: hehe
JeniNyPr: lol
JeniNyPr: thanx
SlickReservation: anytime
SlickReservation: hehe
JeniNyPr: im all blushy and gross again... ick
SlickReservation: awww
SlickReservation: i wanna see



Emo boy emo boy AHHH!!! LIGHTNING!! okay well i better go. much love <33
peace!!!!

JeniNyPr: in my journal entries i have to stop calling you "my emo boy" because technically ur not mine so im just gonna start calling u by ur name istead of using acronyms
SlickReservation: why?
SlickReservation: lol
SlickReservation: i like being called your emo boy
SlickReservation: :-)

Isnt my emo boy cute? muahahaha

emo boy emo boy emo boy emo boy

Matt's on.

::dies::

He makes everything so right. why? Its like i CANT stay mad while talking to him... it's impossible. blah.

Okay I have calmed down.

What Was Your PastLife?

what movie symbolism are you? find out!

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti


Okay so I'm not completely pissed off anymore.

Grrrr

I am so mad. I hate my freaking family... I swear. I have the most disfunctional family. I freaking hate my dad... We got into another fight and I can't freaking stand him. He won't let me skateboard anymore. And he was like "You have to do whatever I tell you to if you live inder this roof and that includes going to sleep and skateboarding and when you play your guitar and blah blah blah" and he just screamed "Turn the f*cking music off!" Because he's stupid and won't let me do anything. According to him I'm the most selfish person on the planet. No, cooking, cleaning, babysitting and doing every freaking thing for my entire freaking family isnt enough. It aint my fault I don't have a mom... Or wait. Actually to him it IS my fault. Everything is my fault. It's MY fault he's sick because I get him mad all the time and get his blood pressure up... it's MY fault my freaking mom died because I was born and it was because of ME that she got theblood transfusion. Everything is MY freaking fault to him. It's MY fault my sister is over weight because I'm not a good enough sister to her. Damn I'm not an adult so stop freaking treating me like one. And then I'M selfish when I want to take dance classes or when I want to skateboard or play my guitar. I'm the freaking selfish one. Has he any idea that I have like no freaking social life because I have to be "mom" here. I'm not pregnant for a reason you know. I didn't have kids yet because I want to be a kid. But no... I can't be a kid and me asking for that is freaking selfish. I am so sick of him. He was like if you don't like it here and you won't follow my rules go live somewhere else. And I think I just might. My aunt invited me to live with her because she lives closer to my school and she has an extra room with one of my cousin's away at college. Maybe I WILL leave. I'm not even sure I care if he'll be hurt because of it. He's always hurting me. And then he brings up some crap about how he knows me better than I know myself. #1, I don't even know who I am. and secondly, My dad freaking left me when I was a kid. He doesn't know me. The jerk doesn't even love me. God I hate him. I hate him so much. It's like he doesn't even get how hard it is to be me sometimes. And he swears he's had it bad. "Well my father used to beat the crap outta my mom and us and blah blah blah" Well guess what asshole... at least your dad LOVED you. At least he didn't constantlt tell you he hated you and everything is your fault. At least he didn't curse you out AND try to shove a freaking bible down your throat. And I'm not even that bad. I don't do drugs, I'm a virgin. I don't mug people and go and beat them up. I get good grades, I go to church. And I spend all my freaking time cleaning the freaking house. What does he want from me? Oh I'm a bad kid because I listen to punk rock and I like skateboarding. I'm a bad girl because my favorite ciolor is black. And I'm horrible because I actually stand up for what I believe in. If I believe I'm right I'll stick to the truth till the end. And my stupid father is always accusing me of lying. And if I don't "admitt" to it he hits me. What a loser. At least I believe in myself. At least when I grow up I'm not going to leave my kids because I'm having an affair with some other bitch. At least I love myself. I hate him so much. I really do. I mean I love him... but I STRONGLY dislike him. I love him because he's my father.... and I'm not as bad as he is. I'm not going to go and tell him to his freaking depressed face that I hate him. WHat kind of dad tells their daughter that? What kind of father tells his daughter she's a worthless mother f*cker.... what Kind of dad does that? I really can't stand him. I really can't. I can't wait till college so I can get away from him. And then he makes me feel guilty because he's sick all the freaking time and then he apologizes and says he "loves" me. What bull. I stopped believing in love. I hate this place. Not that I'm not having enough of a freaking hard time not being depressed but I need his crap piled on top too? I only lost my mom and 2 of my freaking friends and mopst likely the only family member who actually cared about me. And I don't care if I sound sorry for myself. Because I'm pissed and I think I have a right to vent. My dad doesn't believe I hate any rights. Whatever. I'm leaving in two years anyway. Grrr I'm so mad. And just now he called me to his room and apologized and wants to "make peace" and of course I said yes because I'm a little whimp. Grr I'm still mad though. Just because I forgive him doesn't mean I'm all happy. It's not easy to forget when your parent... you know that freak who's suppossed to love you, makes you feel like crap. Whatever. I guess I'll go do something now.

Blah

I just had another argument with Jordan abour HER. I feel so bad because we always fight about this.

Me says:
if she really loved u the whole not getting the goodnight kisses and dating and goodnight phone calls wouldnt matter
Gato Azul says:
and that's why I'm stupid for liking her
Me says:
just u would be enough
Gato Azul says:
because I know you would never do that to me
Me says:
no shes stupid for screwing u over
Me says:
and messing up
Me says:
and no matter how bad it hurt knowing u were so far away... at least it didnt hurt as much as not having u at all
__________________________________________

I really am going to try and not hare HER. At lest me and Jordan are okay though. I hate arguing with him. I don't want to go any further into detail about our fight. Me and Matt barely have time to talk... we're both so busy with school and he has his band and I don't know. We talked for about 5 seconds today.

SlickReservation: i'm not staying though sweety...
SlickReservation: i'm sorry if i made you upset at me
JeniNyPr: im not upset
SlickReservation: i miss you...i wish i had more time to talk...but i have to leave
SlickReservation: sweet dreams
____________________________________________________

And that was basically it. I don't know. I'm just so frustrated today... it definately was NOT the best day of my life.

I am so stupid sometimes


GRRR

GRRR!!!

I just lost everything I wrote because stupid explorer decided to shut down on me. Whatever. I spent like freaking half an hour typing up my entire stupid heart and now it's gone. grr. I'm not typing it again. Plus I'm pretty sure emo-boy has realized that I'm just a dork with a skateboard anyway... not his dream girl. Whatever. I'm mad. And I can't even talk to the stupid guy I like so much. And the thing is he's not stupid. he's just always busy. And I'm just really selfish. Gosh am I that annoying? He must be so sick of me cuz I'm always IMing him and stuff... ALL the time. That must be such a pain. And he's been "brb"-ing and then never coming back so maybe he's trying to tell me something. Or maybe I'm paranoid and I just over phsyco alayize everything. Blah. I don't even know how i feel.

What punctuation mark are you? Find out at quizlets.tk!
by Krysten



Which Angelina Are You?



I'm not as big of a sap as u think.

Are you a freak? find out at quizlets.tk! by krysten


Are you evil? find out at quizlets.tk! by krysten

school sucks

Right now I should be doing my homework... but I'm not. I'm probably going to procrastinate all nite and just do it in the morning. Anyway, yesterday I met Laura B.'s boyfriend Danny. he's pretty kool but seems a little old for her. I've been taking the bus home with Rob(one of my friends from cor) and Joy(a junior... we're sort of friends)... wich has been overall pretty kool. Rob is so violent!!lol... gosh... he's always like "yeah, and then their head blew up!! How cool is that?" lol... he's cool though. I got a letter from Jordan today and I was so happy lol. It was very nice. In dance we're learning a routine from Brittney Spears' video "I'm a slave for you"... I'm not really into pop and stuff but I really like dancing. I'm having a hard time with the hip hop routines though... maybe monday I'll ask my dance partner to maybe help with it out of class. And in performing arts, we started improv today wich was really fun. I'm really glad Steffie and other people I know are in my class... it makes it more fun and I'm not as shy. Laura (pyro) had junior lunch so we didn't really hang out much. I also saw Alex and Stephen a few times in the hall wich was cool. Right now I'm talking to Tim who's going thru a really rough time and he still has time to b a good friend to me and make me feel special when I feel like crap. i've been getting lots of hugs fron Chris wich is kind of strange since we're not that tight but it's all good. You guys keep timmy in prayer cuz he's goin thru stuff, alright? anyway I should go do my homework now. much love <333 prace!!

Tim=BlueFishbonePunk

JeniNyPr: i dont know... i mean i seem so like unconfident and thats not it at all... but i mean im a girl... i dont always think im beautiful or anything,.... i just dunno
BlueFishbonePunk: OK I see i'm gonna have to Be blut.
BlueFishbonePunk: *blunt
BlueFishbonePunk: I think you look beautifull.
JeniNyPr: thanx
BlueFishbonePunk: (and combat boots are hot)
JeniNyPr: lol
BlueFishbonePunk: lol
JeniNyPr: ur a really good friend

**note**
he meant beautiful in a friends sort of way. dont get any idea. he has a girlie of his own.

emo boy emo boy emo boy

Why do u make melt. u live so far away it's depressing to think about. And yet I am powerless over the way I feel...

JeniNyPr: Maybe ud find another dream girl and forget about me
SlickReservation: no way
SlickReservation: hush it
SlickReservation: lol
JeniNyPr: lol
SlickReservation: i'd make my lips make yours hush
SlickReservation: lol


Why is he so hot????? Why does he make like everything right in the world... I don't know. ick... i'm turning into a sap...

Hmmmm

Matt is still the sweetesr guy on the planet, but I'm begining to wonder if he's realized that I'm not even the "dream girl" type... that I'm just a geek with a skateboard.

Matts on...

I missed him.

September 11, the day my world crashed

I remember exactly one year ago.... It was my second day of highschool and I was freaked. I was in cor when I heard about a plane crashing into the twin towers. Mr.Novoa had told us and I remeber Laura joking about it with me and Pork chop (micheal). No one thought it was that seriouse, just a small accident. I also remember seeing a girl named Erin crying later that day. She found out later that her dad, a hero, a firefighter, had died. I can't remember every detail of the whole day because it's just a big blur to me now. I DO remember that it was perhaps the scariest day of my life. Both of my aunts work down by the world trade center and the fact that I couldn't in fact get in touch with either of them scared the hell out of me. Then there was dad. My dad did rescue work during 9/11 and I didn't even know until a few days later. I remember when he didn't come home the first day, I thought something terrible had happened to him. I couldn't get in touch with him through his cell and I remember I cried so much. I already don't have a mom... My dad is all I have. I remember him coming home late that night tired... telling me and Kimberly (my sister) what happened, sleeping for a few hours, and then going back to ground zero to help some more. I felt so helpless and afraid. My friend Amy's mom also worked in the twin towers. Amy and I have been friends since about the fourth grade, and even though I wasn't particularly close with her mom, I was still so sad and so afraid and so confused. I remember calling every day for weeks on end asking if they found her. About a month after the attacks, Amy and I were the only remaining of our friends who still thought she'd be okay. I thought maybe she was in a hospital somewhere, or maybe she was trapped somewhere and the rescue teams would find her. I remember praying so hard that things would be okay. In the end, I was told by a mutual friend that Amy's mom had died. She didn't even know. It wasn't fair, I kept thinking to myself. Why would someone want to murder so many people? Why? So many innocent people died. No one knew it would be the last "good morning" or the last "I love you".... No one even had a chance to say goodbye. And they(Osama and his stupid freakin followers) claim this suicide mission wich killed so many people to be what their God wanted them to do. What God would want innocent people to die. What God would think thats "honorable"... You know what the terrorist attacks were? PURE EVIL. September 11 was the day my world crashed down on me. You atomatically think your safe because your an "american". Then something like this happens and you realize that everyday, things can change. No one ever gaurenteed tommorrow to you. For me, it changed simple things. Like I never leave my house with out kissing my dad and sister goodbye. There's not one day where I don't say "I love you." I know that now it's harder for me to trust people, harder for me to remain optimistic and hope for the best. It's so hard knowing that everyday, you know that it might be the last time to say "I love you". I never ever leave my dad's side without fixing and argument we've had. I never know if that's going to be the last time I talk to him. In ways it also brought us together. People started remembering that they were Americans. We started to actually become the UNITED states. Especially here in NY things had changed. If you've ever been to NY, you know how mean people can be. After september 11 though, It seemed as though we were all in this together. No matter what race, age, sexual orientation, religion -whatever- we were all facing the same hardships at the same time. I usually think they overdo the september 11 things. It's hard enough losing everything you love all in one shot, but to be constantly reminded of it just hurts so much. I can't even begin to describe how September 11 changed my life completely, but I can tell you it really was the most horrific day of my life. And it really was the day my world came crashing down.

GOD BLESS AMERICA


1. Where were you when you heard about the attacks on the pentagon and WTC?

Mr Novoa told us that a plane had crashed into one of the Twin Towers in Cor.

2. What country or group did you suspect immediately?

We all thought it was an accident. No one expected it to be so seriouse.

3. Who were you with? How did you react?

I was with Laura and Porkchop(Micheal). I can remeber Laura joking around about how she was going to join in the army and fight in the war..

4. Who did you call first?

My dad.

5. What did you do the rest of the day?

We got out of school semi-early. I took the bus home it was like a 4 hour ride because the buses weren't really coming and there was alot of trafic. I walked almost the entire walk from school to the second bus stop wich is about a 20 minute bus ride.

6. Did you have any friends or family killed in the attacks?

Just Amy's mom.

7. Do you think 9-11 should be a holiday?

I think that in 50 years people will remember 9/11 as much as they remember Pearl Harbor.

8. Do you think even a % of the money donated really made it to the families?

Money isn't gonna bring back what was lost.

9. Did you feel an increased sense of patriotism? Did it last?

I already loved my country, but it was nice knowing other people remembered they were Americans too.

10. Have you flown since the attacks?

Haven't had a reason to.

11. Have you been to Ground Zero?

Yeah, I helped out down there with K-9. (K-9=the dogs who searched for victims) basically I just helped feed the dogs and help take care of them and stuff. I hated ground zero. Everytime I went there I cried.