I'm okay... it only hurts when I breathe..




Christian rock is what you're categorized as, but you're more than that. Every single song you've ever written has a really deep meaning, either dealing with religion or society. You're very clean cut and nobody knew about you until just recently. Your hard work for so many years has finally paid off, putting you as the first rock cd since "Tragic Kingdom" by No Doubt to top the charts for so long. You believe in God, and you'd never, ever, deny it.

Which Piercing are you?

You Are An Eyebrow Piercing

You think most people who get peircings are posers -

Unless they have a ton of them, like you.

You've been known to scare young children for fun.

You've got more holes than friends... and are proud of it!



What Piercing Are *You*?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Which Season are you?


What kind of fairy are you?
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Your a happy go luck fairy, a fairy of the spring. bright and all

Again I go unnoticed

Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I just want to die. Sometimes I just wish I could run away to someplace where I could never get hurt again. This is one of those times.

I think that the entity of the human race is just stupid. We get mad over the stupidest things and we inflict pain upon one another when it would be so easy to just forgive and work things out. I hate my dad. I can't say why here... but I just wish I didn't live with him. I have a feeling he doesn't even want me. After all... I really was the mistake. After I was born my mom got aids (she needed to be operated and got a blood tranfusion). So it is all my fault... or so I'm told. I hate people. I hate everyone. Especially the people who pretend to care but couldn't give a rat's ass about me. No one got that I wanted to be alone today. I didn't want to sit with friends. I didn't want to be comforted. I didn't want 80 million people asking me whats wrong. Can't I just be mad? Am I not allowed to just cry by myself and lay in the fetal position and whine? Apparently not. According to my dad I can't even look pissed. He's taken on this whole role of "spare the rod spoil the child". After 16 years of not even pretending to care... he tries to justify himself when he's being an ass. And for some reason... I just want Richie to be here and make me laugh. Because out of all my friends (my boyfriend included)... he's perhaps the one I could tell ANYTHING too. I mean Laura/Jessuh/Timmy/Jordan/Rob/rest of fellowship are always there... but they just don't get it. I don't know. I just want someone to hold me. I'm so sick of pretending to be happy. I actually was happy for the first time in so long for a while... and my dad had to ruin it. Because he likes seeing me depressed and sick. He likes making me cry and trying to get me to hate myself. It's his game. Well guess what? He's not gonna win... not this time...

<333 (sort of)

PS I hate my life. I want to die. Please God... if you do me any favors... just make me happy again... even if it's just for 5 minutes. I'm sick of this pain eating me away. I'm sick of crying in the dark. I'm just so sick of this...

Hero - Superchic[k]
No one talks to her, she feels so alone/
she's in too much pain to survive on her own/
the hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife/
she writes on her arm wants to give up her life/
each day she goes on is a day that's she's brave/
fighting the lie that giving up is the way/
each moment of courage her own life she saves/
when she throws the pills out a hero is made/
heroes are made when you make a choice//

Forever in a day
Sometimes everything sucks in the world. But it's okay... it only hurts when I breathe. I don't even know what's wrong. I'm just so sick of fighting. So sick of living. So sick of everything. I'm just so bored with life and have no motivation for anything anymore. I'm sick of people pretending to care and feeling sorry for me. I'm sick of Chris always being up my freaking butt. What doesn't he understand about leave me alone? I don't want to be touched or tickled or whatever. I have a boyfriend... stop touching my butt. If he touches me one more time I swear I'm gonna hurt him. Good news... I'm passing bio. The bad news is that I'm failing french with like a 40. And my dad's gonna kill me. But I qualify for service and can take A.P. American history next year (but I'm not) and honors english (which I probably am). And I fear I've lost my knack for writing.

Is this entertaining? no. Is it fun? no. Is it boring? yes. Very much so.

I don't even know what I'm saying... Maybe todays just one of those days...

Anyway, things were a bit akward today but I guess it could be worse. Everytime Steve kisses me it drives me crazy ( the good kind ). And Ed looks like a patato. Richie is one of my besties and I love him. Timmy's trying to give me advice on nothing he knows about. Jordan doesn't even like talking to me anymore and he's with HER again I think. And yeah. That's pretty much it.

I think I'm going to go lay in the fetal postion and whine for a while now. <33 * Asta

And everything was perfect...

Okay. Yesterday was so perfect... until I got in a fight with my dad. I really had a great time though. But I can't talk about it. Because I recieved an email saying "Jen this is all your fault"... and it is all my fault. Anyway.... For those involved in this email... I chose a segment from an annoying chain mail letter to post rather than my insesent ramblings. MAYBE... you'll see that what was "all my fault" was really someone just caring about her friends. I never said to DO anything... All I did was listen.... and tease a bit... buty more than often just listen.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?
I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might
break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of
losing what you already had with that person?
Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do.
It does it on its own....when you least suspect it, or even when you
don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that
other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too
much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at
all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of
rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we
don't know, afraid of what others will think,
afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have
done, or could have had.

* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say
good-bye?

*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be
there?
*WHATWOULD YOU DO IF YOU LOVED SOMEONE
MORE THAN EVER AND YOU COULDN'T
HAVE THEM??...

Nothings gonna stop is now...
I have come to the vast conclusion that I am a bit more than slightly emo. In fact I love emo-punkish music. Sort of like how I love grape gatorade.

"You moron. You're starting the whole grap gatorade trilogy again, aren't you?"

Well there's just so much to say about the fun grape taste of grape gatorade, and not many words to say it in. It's not mango gatorade... that's for sure. It's not fruit punch gatorade either. It's grape flavored gatorade. And for that, we should be thankful.

My dad and I had the most hilariouse argument last night. I don't even remember what it was about, butthe ending went something like this:

"What the hell is wrong with you Jenise-Marie... I swear to god I don't know what to do with you!"
"uh... maybe this is a bad time to ask for $20..."
"I mean seriously... what do you do? think with your ass!!??"
"No I think with my mind... and occasionally with Bob, my big toe... but most of the time I think with my mind..."
"Don't be a wise ass Jenna!"
"Well your the one who asked!! Can I help it if you ask stupid rhetorical questions and get mad when in my anger, I redistribute my agony of not having a drivers liscence in cyisicsm and sarcasm?"
"You think you're not like me... but your exactly like me blah blah blah... grrr grr grr!!!"
"Can I go now?"
"I swear you and your sisters are like monkeys!! Fucking monkeys are smarter than you two!!!"
"Monkeys?"
"Yes monkeys..."
"MONKEYS?"
"Shutup! I'm trying to be mad at you!"
"Yeah I've established that.... but where the hell did monkeys come from? If your gonna make a big deal out of something, at least make it worthwhile."
"Oh shutup"
And then we laughed.

Well I'm off to meet Rob... Asta* much love <33

Ps.Jordan, Jessuh, and Timmykins I miss you all sooooo much. love you!

Why I'm turning emo and the starting line is the best band in the world

I'm so glad I found you
I'm not gonna lose you
whatever it takes to stay here with you
take it to the good times
see it through the bad times
whatever it takes
Is what I'm gonna do

Let them say we're crazy, what do they know?
put your arms around me baby don't ever let go
let the world around us just fall apart
baby we can make it if were heart to heart

And we can build this thing together
set this stone for ever
nothings gonna stop us now
And if this world were done with lovers
we'd still have eachother
nothings gonna stop us
ooh all that I need is you
know that I ever knew
All that I want to do
Is to hold you forever
forever and ever

And we can build this thing together
set this stone for ever
nothings gonna stop us now
And if this world were done with lovers
we'd still have eachother
nothings gonna stop us
nothings gonna stop us now

The starting line - Nothing's gonna stop us now

Dude... get out of my chair.

This guy totally tried to take my chair in the food court at Queens Center today, and I was like, "No friggin way, man!"

You have to get up pretty early in the a.m. to pull that chair-swiping crap on me. How much nerve doese does somoeone have to try to take a chair that I'm standing right next to in the middle of the day when I'm clearly well-nourished and have most of my wits about me?

I was planning to sit in that chair forever. It wasn't a bad chair. In fact, it was pretty damn good. It was pretty comfortable for cheap metal and plastic. I could have perhaps, tried to attach wheels on it and just roll around whilst sitting in it forever. Maybe I could carry it on my back and go placed with it. We could have an adventure in Brazil. That'd be awesome. Do you think those crazy Amazon natives would shoot posionous darts at me if I had a cheap metal and plastic chair with the words "Queens Center" embedded into it with me? Hell no! They'd think I was perfect. And in a way... I am.

Think about it. How many people do you know carry a chair on their back at all times? Not too many. It takes an exceptional person to do that.

"No it doesn't. I could do that"

Well then go ahead. I'll just laugh at you now because I know you won't. That's the illusion. Everyone thinks they can do it, but nobody "gets around to it".

That "getting around" factor is simply a way of describing a godlike quality that nobody has put into words yet. Mark my words... once they do find the proper verbage for it, there'll be comic books and cartoons and big budget action pictures about the woman with the ______ power.

Until then, we all just try to lay cool and act like we could do anything we wanted. But you can't do anything you want. And you can't take my freaking chair, bro... so back off.


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Anyway... updates...
Today was so much fun after school. The fellowship + Chris (not the one who should die) invented a new sport. It's called "catch the ball"... now is that ingenious or what?
Basically you bounce one of those little balls that are like 25 cents off of something and you fight for it. It's fun... except that at one point I tackled Chris and then Rich sat on my legs and I ended up bruising my knee. Which hurts... but it's okay because it was still fun. We just hung out by my locker (because everyone loves me... sort of) and everything was cool. Steve was being all cute and cuddly and stuff and everyone else was being all... everyone else-y (Laura, Rob, Roma, Richie, Chris (the cool one), and Ed). I got an A on a bio profect. But I failed 2 tests. So I'm screwed anyway. No school tommorrow...er... today.. and friday. yay for me... except I still have to go friday to pre-register for classes. so poo.

I have come to the conclusion that Chris is insane... he went after the ball at one point, ran into the wall, and just bounced off of it... laying on the floor hysterically laughing. He is so freaking weird... I think he's had one too many encounters with Mr.Wall.

Steve is also insane... but good insane. And he makes me nervouse and "girl-ish". And he kissed me today... =)... and he said the L word.... =)... and he's just cool...

In other news... well there is no other news. And I'm really tired now. ANd the only reason I'm still here is because I'm updating for Laura. Oh... and I'm wondering if I'm still going to the mall with Rob later. And I swear... if someone tries to steal my chair again... you will be seeing fragged people. Until much love to everyone <333 *Asta

Ps. Jessuh is driving me insane.

Pss. So is Jordan...

Psss... And timmy...
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> mucho amor <333
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THE END

did u feel the darkness tremble. and all the sainst joined in one song. and all the streams float as one river 2 wash away our brokenness.

I love that song... it makes me cry. That's how awesome it is.

I'm really trying to seek God more, ya know? Like things feel so empty... and it didn't feel empty when i was really close to Him. Everything was just so right. I mean sure I had my rough times... But I was never alone. Not really. It's like I know he's there... and I've really stopped what people think about it. Like I want to do this mission trip with Global expeditions to New Orleans, but it's really expensive. And I'm really looking forward to Blizzard... it was so good last year. Except this time I'm promising myself that things won't change. I'm promising that it won't just die out in a few weeks. I want it to really last. The only thing I fear, is that Steve isn't christian... I mean not really. And God is really important to me and a big part of my life. And I don't know what to do about it. I mean I guess I don't really have to do anything... but I don't know. There's just alot going on I guess. Too much. I feel a need to write... to really write. Not this edited stuff that I make amusing to the people who read it. But I need to really write. Just get things into perspective. I've also been talking to Matt lately wich has been good I guess. And I think Jordan's mad at me, which is bad. He just doesn't want to talk to me. Blah. I better go study for Bio. <33 Asta*

I just can't live without you.

Well today was certainly interesting. Okay.. well maybe not today as a whole but the last hour or so has been. I talked to Steve for a really long time on the phone and it was all cool and stuff until I read this thing I had wrote earlier... I mean it wasn't bad. Just uncomfortable. And really really sappy. And blah. I get so nervouse reading what i write, and he makes me nervouse all the time. So it's like dying and blah. It was just so weird. And it's not that I have low self esteem... It's just something that he was never suppossed to hear due to it's sappyness. Many people don't know this, but I'm a hopeless romantic. It's horrible. I live for sappyness and PDA's (not TOO many though). I love poetry and romance and sappyness. I just love it. And thats a side of me no one really sees because I end up hiding it because I get so nervouse and un-me like. I don't even know what I'm saying. i don't even know what I'm thinking. Blah.
<33 Asta*

tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone

I have come to the conclusion that I am a kick-ass writer. I mean maybe that isn't visible on this page because all I ever do here is rabmble on and on about the unfairness of life... but I really do love writing. Too bad being an English major means that I'll live in a cardboard box on East 14 street and Avenue C. I have also come to the conclusion that I am not the slightest bit entertaining, I think I may need to spruce this thing up. Also... I am completely apathitic and horrible at descision making. I was planning on using my free units for art classes but now I think I may want to take an English class. Blah... I am ever so confusing. Now I need to talk to Ms.Shaffer again and ask how I could take both visual art AND English instead of performance art. I am so very confusing. Maybe, next yar I'll take the three art classes and senior year I'll finish my art sequence AND take two English courses. Creative writing and something else. And then for Social studies, I'll just take Criminal justice and History of nyc.

I am so bad at desicion making. I also can't decide if I enjoy grape gateorade or not.You'd figure I would be able to establish some sort of judgment on it by now.... I mean, I'm a pretty judgmental person. But here, I just can't do it. Why? Why can't I decide what I think of this stuff? I am now on my third bottle of grape gatoerade and I have finally come to a conclusion. I love this stuff. I mean it makes sense doesn't it? I used to drink grape kool aid when I was a little kid, and I love Gatorade as a whole, so its logical that I do, in fact, enjoy this stuff. ...but, ever the paranoid freak, I can't help but suspect that I might be convincing myself that I have reasons for liking Grape Gatorade. Is it possible that there is no real reason? Is it possible that I just drink this out of personal entertainment, knowing full well I've romanticized this drink enough to make my consumption of it just a big joke? Am I merely enjoying being ironic in purchasing bottle after bottle? Am I a glutton for attention? Do I just want to keep my sister off my stuff, and I am certain that she wouldn't dare take my Grape Gatorade?

What do I even enjoy anyway? Is everything I enjoy associated with some sort of external idea that has absolutely nothing to do with taste?

Do I even like anything at all? Do I hate everything? If I wake up one morning with no spite in me will I just stop eating and drinking altogether? Is my jerkish and spiteful nature the only thing that keeps me alive?...

I'm also mad at Barnes and Noble. They overprice their coffee and don't even know what an au lait is. Half steamed milk and half coffee... Not a drop of steamed milk and a cup of coffee. Morons. For that I'll just get a regular over priced coffee and pay less. I'm also angered by the fact that Taco Bell is refusing to sell choco tacos. I don't go there for their lipid induced chalupas when there's a burrito bro.'s down the street... I go for the choco tacos and am proud to announce that they no longer have my buisness... Unless they bring back the choco tacos...

Well Laura wants to know about Jon K., because her best friend (erhm... not me... this is meant in an offensive tone) likes him or something like that. Okay Jon... lets see. He's pretty nice, kind of weird, has a very large nose, and kissed me when I was 7. We spent countless hours playing tag in 4th grade and he was always that annoying short kid. I've known him all my life and there's just not much to say. Is he a jerk? no. Is he funny? yes. Is he cool? sometimes. Did he used to annoy the hell out of me at certain moments? Yes. But he's a good guy. And that concludes my opinions on Jonathan K.

The End.

PS. I want to join teh seraph. writing = good

Screaming infedelities...when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I keep on reading one of Jordan's posts abot Diana and I'm really starting to hate her again. I hate when mean people steal my best friends away. And she's done so much to him. grrr.. mi gato azul... mucho amor

Another day is going by and I'm thinking about you all the time
Yesterday was soooo great. Yup it was my performance. And I know I kind of sucked but I felt soooooooooooooooooo special. Everyone (other than steve cuz he was ghrounded and richie cuz it was late and he wasn't allowed) came. Laura (pyro), the other Laura and her boyfriend Danny, Rob, Ed, Roma, Cia (who brought me flowers wich are sitting next to my bed next to the picture of us), Adrian, Kristen, and Jason came... It was really cool and I felt so loved. And Laura kept on telling me how great I was even though I knew I sucked and how cute I looked and I felt so special. And it was so much fun... it was definately the best footloose we've done. And the whole showcase was really great. There was this girl on the piano who sang and she was so great. And there were these two girls who did a skit and it was so funny. And Peter (the boy in the bathrobe) was also really great... Now not only is Kayla in love with him but Laura (pyro) was having some impure thoughts as well. And steve emailed me cuz he didn't come and he felt bad. He apologized for coming even though he knew I'd say it wasn't a big deal when it was... but I don't know. I mean I didn't really expect him or rich to come anyway. The only people I really even thought would show up is Laura, Cia, and Rob because we picked him up. And I don't know... I was really happy Rob came. Like really really happy... A perfroming arts showcase isn't exactly the place you catch Rob in his free time and it meant alot to me. And now I'm aware that Adrian and Kristen are going out wich means he really isn't gay... hmmmm... Strange.

After the show me and Roma and Rob hung out and it was really fun and we made interesting conversation and we found a cell phone by prep so people kept calling and it was just really funny. Rob kept on posing as someone Joe something or other and it was so funny. Anyway everything was really great until me and my dad got home because we started arguing... about what? I don't even remember. He just got mad about something and then he brought up every bad thing I've ever done and it was really annoying and boring. And then he apologized for ruining my night and I said whatever but I was thinking "sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" so I didn't even really care.

I talked to Matt the other day. It was good. Maybe too good...

Blah. Anyway I'm going to take a nap now. much love <33

Ps. Timmy I don't know what I'd do without you.

I miss the way you taste...
Today was bad and good and then bad again and then good. confusing eh?

First I'm all tired and stuff in the morning and my classes are all boring and I get an incomplete for my english homework and find out theres no dance after school.
Then I actually show that I CARE about Chris and he gets all mean with me.
Then I go with Laura so we can buy dance shoes.
Then I get mugged.
Then I get home and get yelled at and cry.
Then I call Steve to complain to.
Then Jordan comes online.
And now we're talking about she who is despised (by me at least). Whatever.... I personally believe he's still in love with her. And if he wants to go and see her during spring break or whatever and most likely get together with her then that's his choice. And I promise to keep all other comments to myself... most of the time...

Anyway I was in a really romantic mood all day today wich was fun... because so was Laura and I don't feel so stupid when she's being a moron too. Richie and Sam are all cute together and I think he (Rich) wants to kill Chris because he's always all over Laura and is really mean to him. Chris was in a really PMS-y mood today and was really mean to me and he really really hurt me and now I refuse to talk to him at all. I know he's going through stuff but that doesn't mean he has to take it out on me... people who just show they actually care about you. idiot. Steve and Richie had Junior lunch while me, Laura, Rob, Ed, Roma, and the other Laura had sophmore lunch. So us girls (not rob and ed) discussed my costuming for footloose. I'm wearing fishnets and stripped kneehighs with my ballet slippers and a plaid skirt that Laura (not pyro... the other Laura) is lending me. Then I guess I'll wear a tank top and sweatshirt. I'm not quite sure yet. After tommorrow's dress rehersal, Steve and I are going to bay terrace (I think) and then his mom will drive me home and if I'm lucky my dad will pass inspection upon him. Along with other stuff, my glasses were stolen so now I'm blind and everything is blurry. I should probably be doing homework... but I'm not. I already did everything bu that dance research paper wich I think I'll be handing in super late anyway and studying for bio/global. Oh and I have to search for my clothes because I have to bring em in tommorrow. Anyway I don't want to talk about the bad stuff so I'll move onto what happened in geometry class...

Eric (Paco) was teasing me about Steve and saying he was a moron blah blah blah just playing around though and I said... and this was completely unconsiously.... "Oh shutup. I love him.".... And then I realized what I said ( the L word) and was like oh god I am so stupid. stupid stupid stupid... and i completely spazed out and I told Laura and all she could say was "awwwww" and she said that when you say things like that unconsiously it just means you were thinking it and it slipped out. Wich made me spaz out more because I was realizing I was thinking this! Gosh I am such a moron. And Steve is even more of a moron. And I LIKE that about him. I think I'm losing my mind. I think I've already lost it. And blah... I just said the L- word about him. And I just now realized that he reads this from time to time and stupid blogger won't let me edit this all out. Noooo!!!!... oh man... english calls....

mucho amor <33

I miss the way you taste...
Today was bad and good and then bad again and then good. confusing eh?

First I'm all tired and stuff in the morning and my classes are all boring and I get an incomplete for my english homework and find out theres no dance after school.
Then I actually show that I CARE about Chris and he gets all mean with me.
Then I go with Laura so we can buy dance shoes.
Then I get mugged.
Then I get home and get yelled at and cry.
Then I call Steve to complain to.
Then Jordan comes online.
And now we're talking about she who is despised (by me at least). Whatever.... I personally believe he's still in love with her. And if he wants to go and see her during spring break or whatever and most likely get together with her then that's his choice. And I promise to keep all other comments to myself... most of the time...

Anyway I was in a really romantic mood all day today wich was fun... because so was Laura and I don't feel so stupid when she's being a moron too. Richie and Sam are all cute together and I think he (Rich) wants to kill Chris because he's always all over Laura and is really mean to him. Chris was in a really PMS-y mood today and was really mean to me and he really really hurt me and now I refuse to talk to him at all. I know he's going through stuff but that doesn't mean he has to take it out on me... people who just show they actually care about you. idiot. Steve and Richie had Junior lunch while me, Laura, Rob, Ed, Roma, and the other Laura had sophmore lunch. So us girls (not rob and ed) discussed my costuming for footloose. I'm wearing fishnets and stripped kneehighs with my ballet slippers and a plaid skirt that Laura (not pyro... the other Laura) is lending me. Then I guess I'll wear a tank top and sweatshirt. I'm not quite sure yet. After tommorrow's dress rehersal, Steve and I are going to bay terrace (I think) and then his mom will drive me home and if I'm lucky my dad will pass inspection upon him. Along with other stuff, my glasses were stolen so now I'm blind and everything is blurry. I should probably be doing homework... but I'm not. I already did everything bu that dance research paper wich I think I'll be handing in super late anyway and studying for bio/global. Oh and I have to search for my clothes because I have to bring em in tommorrow. Anyway I don't want to talk about the bad stuff so I'll move onto what happened in geometry class...

Eric (Paco) was teasing me about Steve and saying he was a moron blah blah blah just playing around though and I said... and this was completely unconsiously.... "Oh shutup. I love him.".... And then I realized what I said ( the L word) and was like oh god I am so stupid. stupid stupid stupid... and i completely spazed out and I told Laura and all she could say was "awwwww" and she said that when you say things like that unconsiously it just means you were thinking it and it slipped out. Wich made me spaz out more because I was realizing I was thinking this! Gosh I am such a moron. And Steve is even more of a moron. And I LIKE that about him. I think I'm losing my mind. I think I've already lost it. And blah... I just said the L- word about him. And I just now realized that he reads this from time to time and stupid blogger won't let me edit this all out. Noooo!!!!... oh man... english calls....

mucho amor <33

Footloose!! Nanananana!!!

Jenise
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The name Jenise creates a very independent, practical, analytical nature with skillful business abilities. You desire freedom from restrictions and authority in order that you can pursue your own ambitions. Material and financial success are the focus of your interests, but sacrificing much for material ambition will result in a lack of harmony and balance in your personal life, particularly a lack of appreciation for social courtesies and things of a more inspirational nature. Since you often appear to be too unfeeling, factual, and calculating in your dealings with others, your personal happiness and fulfilment can suffer through difficulty in conveying your feminine qualities of love and affection. Health problems centre in the head affecting the eyes, ears, sinuses, or teeth. Also, tension could afflict the female generative organs.


Today was really great and since I wrote an email to Jordan about dance I'll just post it here so I don't have to type it again... btw today was great... And I'm still in 80's mode. As various innocent standbyers have seen... this can be dangerouse...

I've had dance everyday after school this week... it's GREAT!!! I mean I'm in seriouse pain, but I'm having so much fun. Our show is on friday and we're doing this scene from footloose. It's this 80's musical and it's so fun pretending to be in the 80's and swing dancing and stuff. In the begining of the song the tappers come out and do something and then they leave the stage and the acrobatics and gymnists do something and theres a little bit of loose ballet... basically just leaps and triple pirouettes (those are sort of like turns) and a few other random swing stuff. Then everybody else comes out (basically the modern dancers... like me) and we're hanging around in the back doing a box step (if you see 80's dancing its sort of a 4 step walk/cross thing with snaps) and then after 16 counts we kick-step (this is sort of like a skip but with kicking) up to the front while the people dancieing in the front move back and then we swing dance with our partners. All of us are girls but its still cool. First theres a partnering dance thing thats hard to explain and then one of us in the partener-groups (me) does an inward turn, an outward turn, and then jumps and locks hip with their parter's side so it looks like theyre being carried. Then we all run off and form to lines with like an aisle down the middle. And this is the most fun part. Me and a friend are like dancing n the line and whoo-ing and stuff while people go down the isle dancing and doing dance tricks. Some are doing partnering. 80's dancing, swing dancing, and splits and random dance tricks. Theres also a small ballet segment. Me and a guy (Anthony) are both doing something down the isle. It's hard to explain though.... at the end of it he twirls me all the way down the isle and we go running to the sides. My friend (whom I described earlier) is doing some really cool 80's dancing with another girl and it looks awesome. Then theres some more acrobatics and we all dance into the center and two guys- Brian and Stephen slide down the front and we all strike a pose and thats the end. It's cool.

Look into her eyes, you can find her somewhere

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Stvlive.com!

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Dream, the third of The Endless, you are in charge of the Dreaming, all imagination and creativity, everyone knows your beautiful realm, but none truly understand it. You are dark and brooding, creative, and spend a lot of time by yourself, just thinking. You are almost as serious as Destiny, but not quite. Everyone is enchanted by you, but you keep them all at a distance, even when you shouldn't.


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This is right... I don't like it very much...


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Evil Airhead Heffalump alt="Airhead Heffalump"> Soundtrack to your life: J.S.Bach - Toccata and Fugue in D minor Favourite website: http://www.mtv.com Quote: What's your star sign ? Certified heffalumps.org Personality Test result.

Motivate me... I want good thoughts inside of my head.

I just lost a super long post in wich I bitched about how much I hate my life and people. In wich I cried and complained about how I just wish someone cared... that someone would just hold me and tell me everything will be alright. and blah blah blah. And now I'm exhausted because I spent 20 minutes writing/crying/throwing shoes at people so I can't type it again.

And now that I'm over the greiving stage I just want to hurt someone. I want to break stuff and eat ice cream and watch Everwood. So I'm going to go do something mean now. bye.

I think I'm going to cry... again
I want to break stuff.
.........
.................
.......................
... Actually.... I think I just want someone to care..

Its not my fault I'm always sick. And I'm so tired of being punished for it.

.... No I've changed my mind, i really do want to hurt someone.

Oh isn't life grand
I think Miriams taking me off the dance team. Oh great. Thank you God. Just what i needed right now. rrrr...
*throws a shoe at the wall*

To be happy... That is the greatest thing of all...
Blah. I wish I was happy... like trully and completely happy. I wish I could just be carefree and fun and weird and happy. Like would be perfect if I could just smile for a whole day. When I could go a week without crying. I guess those are things to work for. I wann ago see the two towers again.. but this time justw ith Laura ndother friends. Cuz I already went twice with Steve. And I think I'd have more fun throwuing m&m's at peoples heads and screaming at the screen if I were with Laura or Cia or something. I think Sam is working her way into the fellowship. Wich is alright by me because Sam is cool. Her and Richie are gtting toghether... it's very cute. Especially because theyve been all in love with eachother forever. See... best friends DO make the best boyfriends. Dun dun dun... I'm sick of being sappy. I need to have FUN. And this whole week I won't hang with Rob because I have dance after school everyday. Poo. I mean I love dance... but I do not love mrs.mejia. I cant wait till I start REAL dance again. I'm so out of shape... It's going to be hell when I start modern again. But oh so perfect. And Steve's parents wanna meet me. His mom even offered to cook a vegeterian meal for me. Wich was REALLY kind of her. And my dad wants to pass judgement on him so we must come up with a plan to not get him(Steve) killed in the process. And blah. For the first time.. writing isn't working. What is the world coming to?
much luv <333

Another wasted night. Again I feel so empty.

Blah. That is the only word I can use to describe my predicament. Blah. I remember when I used to be so happy all the time and when I thought of the coolest things and when I was all Jen(na)-y. Now it's like I'm all empty. Like my soul is bleeding or something.

Anyway friday was really really great. Went with Steve to see catch me if you can wich was agood movie but was so freaking long... It was like the never ending story. and... omg. I just found out I was suppossed to be at dance practice today. And whoever didn't show is gonna lose major points. crappolla. Now I'm going to need to get my dad to lie and say that I was sick or something. crap! I hate this class so much now. It used to be fun... until my teacher started to become the incarnation of satan. grrrrrr....

Anyway... back to steve, The movie was really great and I had fun and I was all spazy as usual and he kept on asking what I was thinking about and I couldnt say what I was thinking about because I just couldnt because I'm jen, the biggest spastic retard on the planet. So I just didn't say anything and he thought it was because I was being all stubborn and stuff when really it was cuz I could get no words to come out of my mouth because I'm jenna queen spaz. And I'm afraid to say what I was thinking then because he reads this and... I'm spazing out...again.anyway after the movie I just went home so I could see if my dad could drive me to cia or sam's house so we could all go to the red zone but I couldn't so it sucked. But I went out with steve so it made up for the suckyness.

And I think my Timmykins has a crush on Laura. TEE HEE!! And now she's going to get all freaked out like she always does around bob or 5674 or "GUY". I mean he hasn't SAID he does, but he acts like it and she's all he ever talks about.

I went to see the family today and they all stared at me like I was a freak as usual and it was horrible because I kind of hate my family. And I missed dance and mrs. mejia is going to kill me... LITERALLY. And theres all the stuff with Matt wich is still really hard. I guess this is what it feels like to be heart broken. I mean in a way I'm happy because I like my moron... but there's still that pain... I mean it sounds so dumb to be so hung up on a guy I barely know... but *sigh*... I'm not hung up. Just hurt. really really bad. Like I just wanna sit and cry, but I can't. It's like he's the most perfect person I've ever met. He is literally my dream guy. But sometimes when things are said to be too good to be true... they usually are. I haven't felt this bad in so long. Since Jordan I think. I mean I feel like on top of the world at times... especially when I'm around Steve or my friends and stuff. But like when I'm alone... like especially late at night when we used to spend hours talking on the phone... I dunno. I guess I just miss it. In a way. Because in a way I'm so glad we're over with because I mean I have Steve and he's really really great... and insane... but still great. But... I don't know. It's just so confusing. It's hard to be happy sometimes...

Oh yeah... In february I think I might be going to Florida with Erica!! yay!! This means I get to see Drew and Dereck again!! yay!!! I miss them sooososososoooo much. And yes... I'm talking about cheekbones. And Drew just got his own car and yay... if I go this will be lots of fun. Except Kim can't go. And I don't want her to be sad. I mean I know my sisters like satan's incarnate sometimes but still... I don't want her to feel left out. So I might have to give up Drew and his car. So sad. And blah. Why am I so weird. I go from like feeling horrible to feeling good in the elapsed time frame of 3 minutes. Blah. Anyway I guess I better do homework because I haven't done any at all yet. much love <333

PS Jordan I miss you sooo much. I'll love you forever my bestie.

August in Bethany
I know I have written in forever, but I've been sick. Nothing important has really happened, I watched the lord of the ring 3 times in a row today (thanx rob... that is perhaps the best gift I have ever gotten) and then I talked to Steve about a many mixed things, for instance the mission impossibel theme song and paintball and godzilla and it's just all a big blur. Now on to the semi-important stuff.

I really miss Jordan. And I mean REALLY. As in ALOT. I haven't talked to him in weeks and I miss him terribly. He's one of my best friends and the only person I know who can get me from hysterically crying to laughing like an insane moron in the elapsed time frame of 2.5 minutes. He's visiting the rents in SD so I haven't talked to him since he left a week before christmas. And I really really miss him. There's also been alot of thought about Matt. I don't even know why. If you've ever heard the song August in Bethany by the Juliana theory, that's exactly how I feel. And I don't know if it's wrong to feel that way or what... But I don't know. "I choke back each tear that bleeds. I'd rather rest forever in your arms. I'd rather stay here but I know that I should leave. As I sit here helpless. Don't go. You said you wouldn't. You said you wouldn't. Don't go. You said you wouldn't. You said you couldn't. Dont go. You said you wouldn't. You said you wouldn't. Don't go.You said you wouldn't. You said you couldn't. I think of our time together. Is it fading or am I dreaming. Everything you said is gone..." and then it starts yelling "Don't go!! Don't go!! you're eyes they see through my soul!! Don't go!! Don't go!! you say as I walk out your door!!" And yeah I know it seems bad/pathetic/whatever. And like I still have feelings for him. And in a way I do. Matt was sort of my first love, ya know? I mean, I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. I mean, the kind of love will change... But I don't think it'll just disapear. And I know how Laura feels about the whole thing but I can't really help it. How many months has it been? 5? I was hung up on him for 5 months.Is all that suppossed to just dissapear when I start liking someone else or get a boyfriend or something? Maybe I'm abnormal to feel this way. And I know it sounds like I still have feelings for him. And I do... just not the same kind you think. And it really hurts knowing that we don't even talk anymore. We couldn't even go back to being friends. Not really. I mean there's always the casual hello, how are you? And the news about the band and the cd. But We're not really friends anymore. It's like everything is gone. And we weren't even really dating or anything. Just talking. And I was stupid enough to fall for him like that. I mean it was like I let myself go so easily. I'm mad at myself for that. And now we're not even really talking to eachother. And it hurts soo much knowing that. And I'm the one who messed things up the 1st time. And then I fixed it. And then I messed it up again. And blah this sounds so pathetic and bad and stuff but... It's not easy to let someone you care about that much... someone that has had such a big impact on your life... go. And none of our stupid jokes are even funny anymore.. the ring, the orange tux, skateboarding, cheese... nothing is funny anymore. Everything is just... different.

And now I have a.. Steve. And yes I care about him and of course I like him alot because if I didn't we wouldn't be going out. But it's really scary. Knowing that the same thing could happen all over again. That I could get all scared and afraid of committment of any kind and just mess things up. And then of course the fellowship will be ruined. Because you can't just go back to the way things were. You just can't. And at first I thought nothing could break the fellowship... But things can. It's only strong because we make it strong. But once someone gives up... It's like the sheild is broken. And I do realize that too many people read this. But I really don't care. This stupid little weblog is like my refuge. It's where I place all my fears, and worries, and hopes, and dreams. It's all I have...

And all this may seem vaguely stupid to you, but my mind is such a mess. It's like a massive storm hit it and left eveything in it in a state of destruction and mass confusion. And I know it sounds like I'm all hung up on him, but I'm not really. I guess I'm just hurt. It's hard to deal with everything at once. It's just like I don't know what to do. And even though it sounds bad... and no one really understands why. I don't think I'll ever "get over it" and it's not a bad thing. I don't think I ever want to...

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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have...
Blah... My computer got a virus over the weekend so I had to get it fixed and stuff and now I lost everything I ever had on this stupid pc. Plus 3 labs that are due tommorrow and a research assignment and other stuff. It was so not cool. But at least I got it upgraded to windows xp. And I can't get my sound to work. And I lost 400 songs on Kaaza. Fun stuff... not. Blah blah blah. I'm also really very sick today. My dad thinks I have the flu... and this is just perfect timing. I so cannot miss even one day of school right now. And I feel like crap... and I have to do labs. Blah. I guess if I miss one day of school it should be tommorrow that way I'm not TOO far behind and stuff and I can get the work from Rob and other people. But that also means I won't see Steve till tuesday. Blah. Anyway I guess I should probably be doing labs instead of writing. much luv <333 bye.

When will the pain end?
Oh crap. I'm sick again. I hate being sick....rrrrr. Why won't I get better? Everyday I have to check my blood pressure and it's unreasonably low at the moment. My fingers are numb. And I have a terrible headache. And walking hurts. Poo. I wish I could just get well...

And since walking hurts I can't get from my computer to my bed...grrrr.... But I will stop complaining. I need to do homework anyway. But I still feel sick. So poo.

Make my world
I woke up at 7:30 am this morning... 7:30 And i couldn't fall back asleep so I decided to write. About what? I have no idead. I guess I'll just see wher emy mind leads me to.

The reason I woke up so early this morning is because my mom's old best friend, Terese, stopped by. Now this is a woman I haven't seen or heard from for about 7 years. You can imagine my surprise when my sister, Kimberly came screaming into my bed room, Jenny... Jenny wake up!! Jenna.... Theres the lady here. She used to be moms friend but I don't remember her name... Jennnnaaaa.....J.P. come on.." So of course I reluctantly got up and I saw her there. And I was thinking to my self "Ohmygod. Oh. My. God." No one really knows this, but so much of my past rests in her. So much of the life I used to know. She used to have 2 foster kids, Lourdez who was my age, and a boy, Angel who was a bit younger. I don't even remember much what they look like other than Lourdez was very pale with distinct features and wavy almost black hair. We all used to be best friends along with another girl, Shaniqua who I haven't talked to since maybe 6th grade. She changed her phone number and I never talked to her again. I also remember that Lourdez and Angel were taken away from Terese soon after my mom died. So of course when Terese was here, I asked how they were. I was crushed to find out that Angel was in a mental hospital... I don't even think he's 13 yet. And he desperately wants out and asks Terese to take him out of there all the time but she can't. And wow... he must have been put there since he was 10 or 11 because Terese also said she left when he was put there because she couldn't deal with living there anymore about 2 years ago. And she's not even allowed to speak to Lourdez until she's 18. And so I'm thinking gee, this sucks majorly. She also told me that she talks to Shaniqua all the time and that she lost my phone number and yadda yadda yadda. Now this same Terese, who had her foster kids taken away from her bnecause of the way she treated them, is studying to become a decon!! She moved to a little place in Florida surrounded by woods and stuff. We talked about other things too... Like my mom and she asked if I had a boyfriend and I said yes, and she was like "but your only 16!!" and I just didn't say anything back.

She wanted to know if we were going to the cemetery today being the day my mom died and all and I told her I don't know wich sounds really bad because I should want to go and stuff. But I don't want to go. It creeps me out and makes me sad and make sme guilty that I'm always saying I hate her when I know she loves me and she's out there in heaven watching over everything I do. Wich makes me feel guiltier because I'm always doin things I probably shouldn't be doing. And I'm always saying I hate her wich probably would make her sad and stuff because I shouldn't hate my mother but I don't REALLY hate her... I just hate the fact that she left me all alone. But I guess it's only because she was sick and I mean she was in pain and stuff all the time. So I guess it's better this way anyway. But I still want a mom.

There are more spelling and gramatical errors in these last few posts than there are words wich really says something about my typing. And yesterday I spent all the time I was suppossed to be doing homework talking to Steve wich is alright because I rather talk to Steve than read Frankenstein anyway but now I'm all far behind and instead of talking to him today I'll be doing bio labs. Fun stuff. Not.

Anyway I have to go take a walk to the deli to buy breakfast because there's nothing to eat in this God forsaken house. (sorry God). Anyway I guess I'll be going now. Much luv <333

Look into her eyes, you can find her somewhere...
This new year has started off pretty good... mildly confusing but still good. I've hurt two of my friends that I love dearly, Matt and Tim.... and probably Jordan too. And for that I feel awful. I hate when my friends are hurt, and knowing I was the source of that sucks even more.

But on a better note, Steve is very very very very very cool... and yeah. I'm not getting all sappy on here. I refuse to... at least for the moment being. I miss all my friends, but not school. Not the teachers. In other news my dad has a date on friday with a "lady-friend". I have to approve of her first. If he has to meet my boyfriend I have to meet his girlfriend... or "lady-friend".

I feel entirely poetic today but I have no idea what to write about. And in the small forthcomings I do have in mind, I don't know where I would begin. In addition to this, I know that when I start wrting I never ever stop. This could be bad considering I have to read seven chapters in Frankenstein. Fun stuff. not.

I think my sugar rush and hyper activity has just ended. Maybe I need a nap...

Never stop dreaming..<333

Which Annoying Two Towers Character are You?
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Which Annoying Two Towers Character are You?
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live life... not hide from it
Okay now I can actually write. I've been trying to think of meaningful things that happened this year and so many have happened that I don't know where to begin. I guess in some ways 2002 was a big year for me, not neccasirily meaning the thing have happened have been good things. For one, I met Matt. And for the first time ever I felt like everything was right i the world. And then I threw it away, crushing all hope and everything I stood for in the process. This made me learn how to fake hapiness and hide my misery and try not to bitch and cry all the time. Then I got over him, and everything was okay... not quite good, but okay. I also realized that I don't REALLY hate my dad... he just pisses me off sometimes. I also came to the conclusion that I don't hate my mom, it's hard to hate someone you don't know. Another big thing, perhaps th biggest obstacle, was my being sick. From May through November I was in and out of the hospital... constantly breaking down and making myself sick. Hating the world and everyone in it. At the same time I became really good friends with Rob, Steve, and Rich. And the fellowship was formed. This helped alot because it made me realize that people actually care about me, and know that I have somewhere to turn when I just feel so alone... so worthless. If anyone reading this has gone through this feeling you know how bad it is. Feeling completely alone in the world... it's so hard. It's like trully believing no one loves you...like no one would care wether you lived or died. I mean I wasn't depressed or suicidal or anything... I just felt alone... so hopelessly alone. More recently I started going out with Steve wich is really great. The sappyness is fun despite popular belief... and it's just sort of like everything is right in the world. Even if it's just for a moment. I also met Darleen Perkins... She's an adult who actually cares about me. She didn't even know me and yet she cared... You don't know what a big deal that is to me. There was a confusing thing between Jordan and I... and for this I'll keep my comments to myself. Other than he's one of my best friends and I love him very much. And he is really dear to me... These are the first things that come to mind, Although I must admit that much more has gone on in my life in this past year.

There are also several things I need to learn, How to be myself without anyone's help. How to not critisize myself so often. How to let my soul flow through my writing without being afraid of people getting to close to me. Letting people inside my mind. I want to have an adventure... To experience the world, both the good and the bad. I want to live life and not be afraid of it... maybe even find out who I'm meant to be. I want to make history, not just learn about it. I want to stop sheltering myself and being so afraid of everything... Just let myself be me. And then there are the more practical resolutions, being on time with library books, doing homework on time, practicing guitar, writing at every spare moment. But I think I should maybe focus on the inner me. Who I really am... work on the me that I have to deal with and not the me that people see. The real me....

The best quotes of the year are as follows:
*We will go * no wher we know * We don't have to talk at all --Beck
*In your eyes I am complete --Peter Gabriel
*Is there world enough for me? --Jane Frances
*What you do speaks so loudly that you canno*t hear what you say --Ralph Waldo Emerson
*Never stop dreaming, for when you stop dream*ing, you lose all hope. ---Me
*Ha! we are gigantic --Poem
*You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also feirce you cannot hurtthe world or even seriously distress her. --Winston Churchill
*Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile intheir shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. --Frieda Norris
*The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Got that? --Sisterhood of the traveling pants
*If you feel like you're under control, you're just not going fast enough. --Mario Andretti
*Sometimes your the windsheild; sometimes your the bug. --Mark Knopfler*
*When life hands you a lemon, say, "Oh yeah. I like lemons. What else ya got?" --Henry Rollins
*Love is like war: easy to begin, hard to end. --Proverb
*There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. --Jerry Seinfeld
*Can you make yourself love? Can you make yourself be loved? --unknown
*Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday --Anonymous
*Not all who wander are lost. --J.R.R. Tolkien
*Dance like no one's watching, Live like today's your last, love like you've never been hurt. --unknown

The best songs of the year
*The starting line- Best of me
*Something Corporate- Konstantine/Understand the dream is over
*Simple Plan- I'd do anything
*The Julianna theory- August in Bethany
*Relient K- Those words are not enough
*Sonic flood- When the music fades/Did you feel the mountains tremble
*Good Charlotte- Motivation proclamation
*Hillsongs- Forever
*New found glory- forget my name

Well I guess this is pretty good for the first post of the year.. Much reflextion has gone on. I hope for the best for me as well as all the ones I care about.

God bless all my friends and loved ones in 2003, let them fear not to live life, just because they might not see 2004.
much love forever <33 *nite

Time for resolutions!!!
I will do my homework every nite.
From her until forver I will practice my guitar for at least an hour EVERY day