Who rocks?

I rock.

Muah <33

I have decided to secede from Caucasia and start my own country... Checlokavegan Hashropiablighe, means "Jen land" in Jenlandese. My 40 trillion followers are coming with me. Hopefully Jon will agree to be my Prime minister... it'll save me from coming up with another secret handshake.

I have been cursed.

Yes you heard right... cursed.

My socks... you see... they don't stay on my feet. They're dainty little ankle socks with thing one massively printed all over them. And they refuse to stay on. They slide into my shoes and cause me to stop wherever I am (ie a very crowded hallway/bus/stairwell/amidst oncoming traffic/etc.), reach into my shoes, and pull them back on. Roar.

I do not have moon eyes, if anyone has moon eyes, it's ed.

i think she wants him back, and im pretty sure he wants her... maybe i should just give up...

Jon is now my evil sidekick... we're criminal masterminds me and him.

Booya.

Today was grand. Somethings wrong with the enter key on this keyboard so this will be an extremely long paragraph. So today was Bridget's birthday... my lil girls all grown up. I went out to dinner with her, Michelle, Matt, Ryan (stones), Anthony, Amanda, and Marielle. After, me, Marielle, Ryan, Anthony, Matt, and Bridget all went to the park and just hung out. 'twas great. Ryan took the 88 with me for like 10 minutes and waited with me/walked with me the whole time and it was kool talking to him. Nice fella. I had an excellent time. Mike asked for my screen name (I'm talking to him now) so its muy rad. And I'm not feelin too hot and am getting sick of typing... so bye. And eddie, feel better!!

WHORE OF BABYLON!!!!!!

Mike stopped me before cor and asked for screen name.... I feel uber special.

WHORE OF BABYLON!!!!

I think its time to burn my box.

I adore my sketchbook. It's like... the one thing that's mine.... The one place where I can freely be myself. My sketchbook and my guitar... the only places where my soul can freely lie. Isn't that weird?

I accidentally kissed Bridget yesterday. When Danny reads this he's going to run over here and ask me to do it again. I just know it. We both wen't to kiss eachother on the cheek except we both went for the same area. Weirdness.

Today... I feel powerful.

quote of the day:
Me: "Danny where are our straws!?"
Danny: "You know, that was rude. Stupid girl."
Me: "Yes I know. Now be gone... out of my sight!!"
Danny: "Did you just banish me!? I'm gonna go spit on your pizza now."

Did alot this weekend.. surprisingly. I hung out friday afterschool with everyone for a while (everyone being Steve, Mellie, Roma, Smith, Larrie, Ed, Eddie, Cia, Katy, Bridget, etc etc etc.), then me. Matt, Bridget, and Katy went to the park, out to eat, and then to Matt's house. Yesterday I hung out with Loptard, Jo-Jo, and Horse for a while and then me, bridget, bea, and kimmy went to pizza hut to harrass danny for a while. ("Be gone!! Out of my sight!!... "did you just banish me? You're lucky I'm getting paid for this.") Then we wandered around deciding whether we wanted to go to the movies, bowling, or play pool and decided to just go to my house and talk/watch pirates of the carribean. 'Twas mucho fun, Bea left kinda early (before 11) and Bridget stayed 'till like 12:30 so it was all good. Wow... that was alot of mindless babble...


What makes me happy:
1. polka dots
2. legos
3. chamomile baths
4. kisses on the collar bone
5. Danny's spine
6. rain storms

What do i look like:
1. straight shoulder length hair
2. brown eyes
3. spikey watch
4. pipe jeans
5. coffee colored skin
6. squishy

Random Words:
1. nooga nooga
2. love
3. roar
4. ambidexterous
5. annihilate
6. savvy

Yells:
1. Holy Christ cakes!
2. OLAY!
3. Ouchies!
4. Your face is !
5. You could slit my throat and with my one last breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt!
6. Jill stop grabbing my butt!

Smiles:
1. Larrie
2. Romsie
3. Ed
4. Eddie
5. Jessie
6. boy Danny

Movies:
1. What a girl wants
2. Pirates of the Carribean
3. Any LOTR movie
4. Anastasia
5. The dead poets society
6. A walk to remember

Okay so Blizzard was absolutely amazing. I'm not really gonna share much because, truth be told, it was an extremely personal experience.

I will say that Cory has the most amazing glow in his eyes and Kelly has grown up alot. Katie is also fairing well and I can't wait to see them all again this summer. I met a new guy from Bellbrooke- Vince, as well as several cowboys (ie Adam). magic mountain was awesome and I got a totakl of 7 hours of sleep the whole trip.

God really really moved. It wasn't all "speak in tounges", but more of a personal thing. I'd tell you what Pastor Scotty was preaching on, but it would reveal alot of what happened to me and well.. I'm not ready for that yet.

Saturday, in starbucks, I met the awesomest guy. His name's Trevor and he wore a hat that said "Jesus is my home boy." Automatic cool points.

I roomed with Shay, Sharrel, Maria, and Jay... cool beans. It was much more fun than I thought it would be. I also talked to my bud James, it was a rather akward conversation, but I'm glad to hear he's doing well. He's grown up alot... ALOT.

One of the worship songs was way cool:

"Freedom reigns in this place/showers of mercy and grace/falling on every face/there is freedom."

and

"Blessed be your name when the sun's shining down on me/when the worlds all as it should be, blessed be your name/Blessed be your name in a world that's filled with suffering/though there's pain in the offering blessed be your name/blessed be the name of the lord/blessed be your name/blessed be the name of the Lord/blessed be your glorious name/you give and take away/you give and take away/my heart will shoose to say/'but blessed be your name.'"

Maybe I'll share more in the future, but thats all the blizzard news for now.

I made a new friend. He goes to prep is in group with me and I talked with him on the bus yesterday and he walked me home because it was late and dark and stuff. Hooray for I have made a new friend.

Meh, this is mostly mindless babble. Too tired to really write now. I'm just glad Cory's eyes are smiling once again. I love that kid.

Jessie (LopTard) is craaaazy. After school I saw her, Richie P., and some other random people. Ran up stairs, changed, ran back down to look at some pictures from the NY ska exchange and this Korn concert thinger. Turns out Ari, Chris (soph/aragorn), Scott and some other prep kids were in the pictures. Chris looks strangely attractive... I didn't notice it before. Anyway, then we watched some backyard wrestling tapes. Sure it's "fake" but the blood and barbed wire and all thats real... and sick. Some kid got hit with a black light lightbulb... there was like a peice of glass stuck in his leg. Anyway, I've been invited to go with them on the 3rd of next month so maybe I'll go...

The rest of the time we just sat around playing with mr.guinea pig (aka "Hi, i'm going to die in three days") and hung around the nightmare before christmas-esque room.

Duz is hot. I don't care if he's Loptard's cousin.

Anyway, today staretd out good, got bad, and then worse, and then good again. Eddie and Marielle are the "shiznit". Me and Eddie came up with a new and improved secret handshake and so did me n marielle.

Anywey I'm off to learn some new chords.

Much love <33

Blizzard's in 3 days!!!

Key to living:
Finding purpouse in the pain. Maybe God has a bigger plan than we have for ourselves.

Real men cry, they blow up mailboxes with dynamite... theres a heart that wants to be just like Jesus, the man of all men, the only one who can make hearts whole again and he could have backed down, with all those people around. But he proved for the last time that real men die...

I am about to die.

This is because I get too much AP homework and can't study for anything else.

I am going to fail this astronomy test.

MASSIVELY.

And I still have to do 2 labs... by last period....

.... and I'm falling asleep....

I'm gonna die.

I have a super huge hole in my tights. It looks like a large animal tried, rather unsucessfully, to eat my leg. Fun stuff.

I love the smell of rain. *sigh*

Albums of the week:
The Elms: The debute EP
Audio Adrenaline: Underdog

The Elms: Glowing

Never in my life have you ever let me down.
Have I ever told you how I’d like to leave this town?
Would you cover me if I said I was leaving tonight?
It’s the time of my life…

If you’re down the tracks, I’ll ride the train.
If you’re in the sky, I’ll fly a plane.
If my hope is gone and I could die,
I’ll let you be strong and be a rainbow glowing in my sky.

If the snow is cold and it brings me to the ground,
Would you pick me up and in, no matter who’s around?
Would you laugh with me if I said I’d rather cry?
It’s the time of my life…

diana needs a car. that way she can drive me home from Ap.

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow

Junior year has been rather unpleasant. I find myself more lost every day. School is hard and I'm struggling. I find people are changing and I hate them for it because it makes me so nostalgic.

And isn't it funny how those few friendships forged freshman year are the ones that never changed. love that.

Don't you ever wonder why Samson loved Delilah. I mean, there had to be something there. I'm not buying that she was some evil temptress that lured him to his regrettable fate. There had to be something about her... something about the way he felt when he was around her... like he was invincible even without the long hair. Maybe she loved him too, at first. Maybe she was tempted into tempting him...

Things I'm afraid of:
college
summer school
failing
letting down my dad
losing hope
Steve
Losing Scott

I feel safe when I'm lonely.

"He was a telephone man-- that fell in love with long distance."

Well this has been a rather melancholy post so I'l lend on a high note. I love AP. I love art. I love paper. I love how it doesn't critisize me. I love how I don't need to censor myself around it. I love how no matter what, it remains constant. It hears me out and doesn't make fun of what I have to say. It just listens. I love how it doesn't change it's mind about me. It doesn't care about my mistakes and strange quirks. It embraces me anyway. I love paper. Because what paper really is anyway, is freedom.

1. WHAT IS THE MIDDLE NAME OF THE FIRST PERSON YOU EVER SLEPT WITH? erm no one

2. WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING AND WHAT COLOR?
red and orange snoopy underwear that say "Cowabunga!!" on the butt

3. WHAT IS THE SONG YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
What are you talking about!?? I can't die!!! I'm Jen, Queen of Jenland, you fools! Petty humans...

4. WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR SLUTTIEST FRIEND SO SOME OF THE SINGLE PEOPLE AROUND HERE CAN GET SOME ACTION? Katy/Larrie(Pyro)

5. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR LAST MEAL BEFORE BEING EXECUTED?
boy Danny

6. BEATLES OR STONES?
Beatles... Do you really have to ask?

7. IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE PERSON ON EARTH WHO SHOULD DIE, WHO WOULD IT BE? That girl in Cor who has a teeny little body, yet a really big mouth....

8. WHAT IS THE THING MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
humor/intelligence

9. DO YOU SECRETLY HATE SOME OF YOUR FRIENDSTER/LJ FRIENDS BUT ARE TOO NICE TO REJECT THEM?
no... trust me, if I don't like you, you know it.... not that there are many...

10. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY SUPER POWER WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Teleportation

11. FAVORITE HANGOVER CURE?
Don't get hung over. SXE

12. HOW MANY DRINKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET YOU DRUNK?
Not many... which is part of why I don't drink.

13. FAVORITE OUTKAST LYRIC?
Shake it like a polaroid picture!! What's cooler than cool? Ice Cold!!

14. WHAT COLOR HAIR DO YOU MOST LIKE SOMEONE YOU'RE DATING TO HAVE?
Dark brown/black or according to prep, "colors not found in nature" (ie blue, red, green, etc)

15. IF YOU COULD BE BLIND OR DEAF?
If I were blind could I have other cool powers like Daredevil (horrible movie btw).... could I just get bitten by a spider?

16. DO YOU HAVE ANY PSYCHIATRIC PROBLEMS?
Not huge ones

17. SIBLINGS THAT SHOULD GO INTO REHAB?
erm no

18. LEAST FAVORITE MONTH?
January

19. FAVORITE HATEFUL THING TO DO TO SOMEONE?
Blow them up

20. FIRST MOVIE YOU CAN REMEMBER SEEING AS A KID?
The Never ending story

21. FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD?
Tim/the Dannies/Bea

22. DO YOU LIKE VIOLENT MOVIES OR DIRTY MOVIES?
violent...ish

23. FALL OR SPRING?
Fall

24. PERSON YOU MOST WISH YOU HADN'T MADE OUT WITH?
I'll give you a hint... his name starts with an M and ends with an E

25. IF YOU ARE STRAIGHT, WHAT PERSON OF THE SAME SEX WOULD YOU DO IT WITH?
Laura... but I'm not gay... so lets not worry about that. I think it has something to do with her boobs. Theyre so big I can't get to close without losing some oxygen.... j/k Pyro, I lover you!!

26. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLD AND BRITTLE?
In an interplanetary spaceship

27. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU CAN COUNT ON MOST?
My sisters: Kimmie, Eri, and Angie

28. IF YOU COULD DATE ANY CELEBRITY PAST OR PRESENT IF AGE AND TIME ARE NOT FACTORS, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Jesse James/James Dean/Jonny Depp/Mark Twain

29. WHAT BOOKS HAVE YOU PRETENDED TO READ?
Reformatting your hard drive for dummies

30. WHAT'S A WORD YOU WOULD USE TO DESCRIBE YOUR LIFE?
evanescent/interesting

31. FAVORITE DRINKING GAME?
who can finish the grape gatorade first.. Timmy or Jenna?

32. WHAT DID YOU DREAM ABOUT LAST NIGHT?
It involved Emil, Roma, Jillian, Josh, and a dancing lobster....

33. FAVORITE VICES?
What in the world is a vice? Is it something you wear... say... eat..? Are they colorful? Do they smell kinda funny? Do they uncannily look like ferrets?

34. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU'D EVER TELL SOMEONE?
I can't tell YOU... untrustworthy vandal...

All to you

Quote of the day:

Ryan (Stones): Hey, I'm Stones... or Wanda... but my mom calls me Ryan.

I hate love. I hate the way it makes me vulnerable. I hate how I lose control. And I hate the fact that once I am in love, I decide I don't hate it anymore. It causes me to lose my mind. It drives me crazy that has some sort of weird control over me. It bothers me that I can get dumped, watch my ex stick his tounge down a 13 year olds throat, and not be bothered at all... yet can live across the country and still make my heart pound. Now I'm not saying I'm in love with him... I don't even want to think about that. But he does make me vulnerable. He has some sort of control that I don't understand. He knows me well... maybe too well.

I catch myself thinking about him when I don't want to be. I don't even think I can name one thing about him that I don't like. And that scares me. It scares me that I can't find some sort of blemish in him. No he's not perfect... but even his imperfections I like. I hate that I'm not all too sure if he's interested in me... and I hate that I even care.

And yet with all of these things I hate, I can't help hoping that maybe I'm not alone in all of this. That maybe, as I fall into my bed at nite and my mind drifts from trying to remember all the new chords I've learned to him without realizing it (and once I do realize it... trying rather unsuccessfully to not think about him) and I have an akward goofy smile on my face, maybe he's in his own world... doing the same....

I don't know. Maybe I sound crazy. You'd think after a few years I'd forget about it... But I can't.

For some reason... he's all I see.

"You take nothing else from me
Please ignore my tendency
To be unthankful to God
Because he dropped you in my lap
And he can take you just like that
But don't you worry
And when I see you standing there
I realize my life doesn't really seem that bad
And I'll... hold you
And I... need you
And I... want you to know... that I love you
And I'll never let you go."
-Mathew Sliva, As you wish

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore —
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“ ’Tis some visiter,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door —
Only this and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow ; — vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow — sorrow for the lost Lenore —
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me — filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before ;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“ ’Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door —
Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door ;
This it is and nothing more.”

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore ;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you” — here I opened wide the door ; ——
Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore !”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore !” —
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon I heard again a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice ;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore —
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
“Tis the wind and nothing more !”

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore ;
Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door —
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door —
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore —
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore !”
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning — little relevancy bore ;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door —
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as “Nevermore.”

But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing farther then he uttered — not a feather then he fluttered —
Till I scarcely more than muttered ”Other friends have flown before —
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.”
Then the bird said “Nevermore.”

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore —
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore
Of “Never — nevermore.”

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore —
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamplght gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore !

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Angels whose faint foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee — by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite — respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore;
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore !”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil! — prophet still, if bird or devil! —
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted —
On this home by Horror haunted — tell me truly, I implore —
Is there — is there balm in Gilead ? — tell me — tell me, I implore !”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil — prophet still, if bird or devil !
By that Heaven that bends above us — by that God we both adore —
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting —
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore !
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken !
Leave my loneliness unbroken! — quit the bust above my door !
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door !”
Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted — nevermore !


Most interesting conversation with Smith... started out with Ed writing on my shirt to the mystery of the Spray and wash stick, The meaning and controvery of the statement "I'm going to kill you and eat your children" which doesn't really make sense when one is talking about 16 and 17 year olds who don't children yet, and ended with the question "what if the center of the earth was made out of cheese?".... I heart bus rides with Smith. I hope he marries Pyro and has bunches of paranoid masochistic red haired ferret-like kids. Reminds me, apparently owning ferrets in NYC is illigal... imagine that... Thanks to Smith I now know an obscure fact.

Congrats to Miriam who is now a married 18 year old highschool drop out with a husband who not only works at starbucks... but is the manager and the best of luck to the both of them.

Happy birthday Jared... I love you!!! Wow... 17... *tackle*

If we're God's body, then why aren't our arms reaching, our hands healing, our love speaking...

Saturday I went to see The Passion of Christ with Jovian, Monica, Vivian, Elizabeth, Tricia, Justin, William, Joey, Kathy, and Mellissa. It was such an amazing movie. I mean it really really moved me. It's amazing how someone could love me... the world.... so much as to get the beating of a lifetime, be betrayed by his best friends, and die a terrible death... just so that I could get into heaven. I mean... I don't even love my self sometimes... it just really strikes awe in me... I don't know... there is really nothing I can say except... I love you Lord, You're amazing...

Afterwards I went to New Life underground with Monica... bought a really rad book called Just Like Jesus. It basically talks about how God loves us the way we are, but that doesn't mean he wants to leave us that way. He wants us to have a heart like his, and love the world the way he did. Sure, it's easy to love those who love you... but the real challenge comes in loving those who don't.

Blizzard is in three weeks... I am very very very very excited. The theme this year is Revive! and this guy, Pastor Scott, is speaking. I'm missing Kelly and Cory soooo much... It'll be good to see them again.

And now a passage from Just like Jesus, before this Max Lucado is talking about the leper that Jesus healed and how he might've felt... not being touched for years, no one around him, not welcome his community, not even in his own home... :

I did not move. I just spoke, "lord you can heal me if you will". Had he healed me with a word, I'd have been thrilled. Had he cured me with a prayer, I would have rejoiced. But he wasn't satisfied with just speaking to me. He drew near me. He touched me. No one had touched me in five years. Until today.

"I will." His words were as tender as his touch. "Be healed!"
And I was. I was!
And I would never forget the one who dared to touch me. He could have healed me with a word, but He wanted to do more than just heal me. He wanted to honor me, to make me "real" again, to christen me. Imagine that... Unworthy of the touch of a man, yet worthy of the touch of God.